Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

The fact that you can't have a conversation with him about this is a massive problem.

He puts more effort into his porn habit and his own satisfaction than he does your pleasure - he has no interest in that.

A very good friend had this problem. Once he realised it after the break up of his then relationship, he went for help and changed.

He now has a very happy marriage. He's a very decent man, just a bit blind and got lost down the rabbithole of porn. Something that a lot of anti-porn people seem to forget is that a lot of young people don't realise how exploitative and unrealistic porn is. A shame to chuck someone in the bin without at least trying to address the problem.

Delighted to hear that man got help a f changed.

I'd tend to be pessimistic about most men doing the same though. That hope/expectation will probably just subject op to a shit relationship for much longer than she should be.

@SidSparrow

I don't know much about the sex thing, but I do know one thing - he's not the one.

I persevered in many relationships, made excuses for things which weren't right. Tried to see the good, made myself believe that I could reach them and make things better somehow... And the truth is you can't.

When you meet the one, you'll know it. There will be fireworks on all fronts. You'll be on the same wavelength and you'll just know that it's right. From someone who has lingered too long in relationships that weren't right, take it from me, move on. And before you know it you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

Best wishes

I totally agree with this. Regardless of what is going on, this is not the man for you. You'll never be happy with a sex life of this kind and there's no point in trying to 'fix' a nearly 40 year old man (or any man).

There are plenty of men who will engage with you during sex and care about you enjoying it. You don't have to resign yourself to this.

I wouldn't necessarily say porn, but if he is used to just masterbating then he probably uses the same technique every time and that's what works for him.

That aside, how the hell can he think it's acceptable to be so selfish, and not even be willing to discuss it.

Hello everybody, I am new here and I want to start a tread, but I cannot find how to start a new thread on this website?

Also did your good friend have the "problem" of not wanting to touch his girlfriend : by hand or mouth, or just the problem of death grip wanking and not being able to climax from penetrative sex?

Because I'm wondering how you therapise someone into giving a fuck about their partners sexual pleasure and climax, when they're clearly happy for them to have nothing from your sexual interaction (other than a sore wrist and neck).

I did first think porn. Sorry OP. You need to have a talk with him and find out what he's watching, if anything, and if it's not porn see if you can get him to talk about his issues and how you can work together towards a more mutually satisfying sex life.
good luck

@DameA

Blue arrow top right, drop down menu, add thread.

@DameA Try here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships?call=NewConversationPage

(start new thread if you're in this one, add thread of you're out on"relationships").

Life’s too short. He has problems. Don’t make them yours. Bin him and move on.

Literally a wanker, dump and run, selfish prick

he doesnt want sex with you, he just wants you to 'service' him :(

@GilbertMarkham

Also did your good friend have the "problem" of not wanting to touch his girlfriend : by hand or mouth, or just the problem of death grip wanking and not being able to climax from penetrative sex?

Because I'm wondering how you therapise someone into giving a fuck about their partners sexual pleasure and climax, when they're clearly happy for them to have nothing from your sexual interaction (other than a sore wrist and neck).

Exactly. He’s not even looking at the OP during sex let alone touching her or showing her even a tiny bit of reciprocity in terms of foreplay. So, he expects her to blow him and masterbate him for ages but won’t even look at her or touch her AT ALL. Nope. That’s not just about porn, that shows a deep seated selfish attitude where sex is all about him and he simply doesn’t give a shit if she gets no pleasure at all. That’s way beyond porn addiction and to me communicates everything I need to know about his shitty misogynistic personality.

This will destroy your sense of self worth.

You deserve a decent sex life! He knows he's being a selfish shit and he doesn't care.

He's not the one.

Your sex life sounds grim - bin him and move on - expect more for yourself! This is the kind of thing I would expect a naive early 20-something to be posting, not a 34 year-old woman. Sorry you've had so many shitty relationships but doesn't mean you need to settle for this 'slightly less shit' one.

I had an ex like this. Had sex once on viagra and then again on holiday.
He said he was paranoid about getting someone pregnant.. both his ex and I (separately) left him and got pregnant very quickly with our new partners (probably all that frustration 😳).
It could be porn use.
He might be gay.
If he won’t tell you, leave.
The ex I’m referring to also tried to strangle me to death, so ...

Dump.
If you're feeling guilty, buy him a blow up doll or one of those weird fleshlight yokes as a leaving present. Same same.

Sounds so awkward and unsexy to read. I can only imagine how it feels to actually experience it.

I'd have to leave.

Also as a side note...men who say "they love fanny too much" or any variation of the phrase are normally obsessed with them to the point where they want to play with them and give oral all the time!!

He's 39 years old.

He's had YEARS to learn how to do sex properly.

He's chosen not to.

Get rid, your sex life with him is always going to be crap and masturbation is more efficient, cheaper and far less trouble. Also there are other men who are still able to please women in bed and you're more likely to stumble across one of them if you aren't having terrible sex with this man.

Dump. If you're feeling guilty, buy him a blow up doll or one of those weird fleshlight yokes as a leaving present. Same same.

I can't better this comment!!

Op I know where you are. When you have shot relationships you end up trying to be super open minded with vaguely nice men but you're just selling yourself short.

In other news I've just realised what the problem was with a lad a dated years back was

@Plussizejumpsuit

So op have you talked about any of this with him? Why he's so selfish , can't look at you, the lack of oral? His response to you raising the issue around how he comes is awful! This whole thing just shows a lack of care for you sorry.

I’ve spoken about the lack of sex, he acknowledged this and initiated it (for a short time) saying things like - ‘I’ll give you sex’ (this pissed me off, like it’s a ‘gift’ something he’s giving me!)

He’s made his own comments about not coming, saying things like ‘I’m just weird’, ‘it takes me so long to come’.
I actually felt a bit sorry for him and haven’t wanted to bring it up more as I feel he’s embarrassed about it. I put the lack of him initiating sex down to him feeling embarrassed about not been able to come, and him becoming so ridged when mastubating to him trying really hard to (like feeling embarrassed and ‘forcing’ himself). I guess I’ve tried to be kind and understanding about it all.

The not touching me Or giving me oral I’ve put down to him maybe been inexperienced, he hasn’t had many sexual partners and has been single for 4 years before meeting me.

I’ve also read around things online; ‘why doesn’t my boyfriend give me oral’ (I feel pretty pathetic googling all this!) and fell on chat rooms where men described it as disgusting. I guess I’m kind of worried he might think that. Like it’s something I shouldn’t ask for.
Moving forward it’s all starting to feel a bigger issue. I know last weekend I was wanking him for ages, and I knew he was going to end up finishing and me left with nothing so I asked if we could have sex! ‘Course we can’ was his reply - it feels shit having to ask for it.

I think (or I thought) that my sex drive was just much higher than his (now I’m thinking he’s just massively into porn).
I am going to speak to him and very greatful for all the comments that have helped me see that this isn’t ‘normal’. I am equally upset at the prospect of us breaking up. Although this part of the relationship is shit the other stuff is really good.

Your first three paragraphs - I was beginning to think I’d written them about my DH! 😢

His lack of experience coupled with him avoiding sex, avoiding touching or looking at during sex and being unable to come unless he masturbates and closes his eyes or looks away imo means he’s gay, and I say this as someone who is gay.