Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

He has said he’d like to film me giving him oral sex

So the only thing he's interested in (besides 'getting it over with' by having perfunctory sex and then wanking himself off) is the idea of creating some porn with you, that he can watch alone later. Probably something similar to some of the stuff he already watches. Definitely porn addiction. I'd stake my house on it.

Porn or no porn he is crap in bed and doesn't care about your pleasure. I would dump the selfish arse asap.

Like most PP, I was thinking 'porn over-user' when I read your post.

Whatever it is, it's terrible for you. Move on. I can't understand why you're still with him. He needs to have counselling or see a doctor or something.

God almighty, you were actually seriously planning on buying a house with a guy who is the shittest stag on the planet?

Are you on glue??!

Sorry, not to be rude but that was an astonishingly strange thing to even contemplate with a man who won't even touch you or look at you.

You've only been with him 8 months, just cut your losses and run. For the sake of his next girlfriend you could tell him it's because of terrible sex but I'm sure she'll figure it out if you don't... No reason to put in loads of effort to fix him etc.

Seems his last relationship messed him up and he’s now going to counselling to work though that stuff - this seems pretty huge that he’s doing this for me

Therapy is for himself, though, firstly. You'd benefit from him getting some clarity because of the relationship with him, but he should do it for his own sake.

Sounds a waste of time, OP. Some guy out there will want to be with you. He isn't that guy.

I'm sorry op

Your self esteem will be rock bottom soon, and you will start to blame yourself
Your not his sex/personal therapist

You don't have to stay around for this, i doubt you are the first to have this with him

You deserve happiness, you should be a bit more selfish and demand more for your own peace of mind

Throw this one back

If he is that rubbish at 39 he isn't going to improve. Dump him.

Don't do that vid of you sucking him off. You don't know where it will end up.

Nothing to add to the chorus of pornsick/selfish/gay/crap shag. Seems you're going to stay with him anyway.

Don't do that vid of you sucking him off. You don't know where it will end up.

Absolutely this!

Haha! No I’m not on glue! I don’t know I guess I’ve had some pretty bad relationships with some unkind people and this guy is amazing and makes me happy. I’ve also dated for years and met some bloody idiots. I guess I feel like sex is just one part of a relationship and although it bothered me the other stuff made up for that. Now, the sex is starting to become a bigger issue, It isn’t something I’ve spoken about to others (I’m embarrassed to talk to my friends about it) hence why ive come to an anonymous forum to see what other people would think. And it’s really helpful

OP, just no. Please please please want and expect better for yourself than this. He’s rubbish at sex and doesn’t want children. Ditch him.

Have you been in love before? It’s not supposed to be this hard!

If I knew you I’d shake you, move on and find sunshine who takes your breath away, shares yours dreams and is a true partner to you - in and out of the bedroom!

Ask him if he is a porn addict and if he can only come by masturbating with a very firm grip; it's worthwhile to be frank and encourage him to confide in you. Even if he is gay it's better he tells you before you commit any further.

Where you go from there is up to you but it would be unwise to continue as you are.

8 months!

Here’s a simple formula: if the first five shags are terrible and show no improvement you talk to your partner clearly and tell the what you like, ask them what they like and work out where the overlap is. If the next five shags show no attempts at improvement, leave them. It’s not about sex, it’s about having a considerate intimate partner who wants to please you.

I think most likely porn related, especially if he has been on his own for a while before meeting you?

Sadly, I think everyone suggesting he prefers fantasy sex is probably on the money. I think you should walk away. When you gulp at what's ahead, it's physically truthful, and unless you get at least a glimpse of delight mutually, then it would be selling yourself short to settle for less.

I think he is gay.
To quote him ' I love fanny too much' is quite suspicious. I've said ' I like dick too much' to a friend of mine when I was attracted to a female ( I'm female myself) because I was embrassed.

Porn, prob gay porn. He doesn't like you much either.

Seriously love, get rid. You’ve been with him 8 months and the sex is shite already ffs?!!! Ultimately, if you stay with this man you will have a lifetime of bad sex. This will grow into huge resentment from you.

Don’t waste any more time on him. You sound like you maybe have low self esteem - you shouldn’t be happy to put up with that treatment in the bedroom, I would say it’s borderline abusive.

Oh lawd! Talk to him about it OP.
Ask him what the problem is?
If you are seriously considering spending your life together / having kids then you need to be able to talk about everything and understand each other.
As Prince said: "Forever is a mighty long time"

Hi op, I’m echoing everyone else and I’ve been exactly where you are now.

I met a man last autumn who kept telling me how much he loved sex and couldn’t get enough. I was a bit worried! Having ended a 12 year relationship where we had a crap sex life which was pretty non existent I was going from one extreme to the other.

He loved blow jobs. I very much enjoy doing it ( TMI I know ) and he started getting greedy asking for 2 a night etc and didn’t ever return the favour in the whole time we were seeing each other which was a pathetic 12 weeks.

He was crap in bed. Made no effort and kept asking me if he was the best I had ever had etc etc. He struggled to cum too and I felt shit when I was with him which set the alarm bells ringing. Add to that he was a stingy bugger and didn’t take me anywhere apart from one meal and was obsessed with watching tele. I got rid of him 2 days before my birthday after he said if I wanted to go out for a meal then I would have to pay

Funnily enough he has messaged me twice this week on Twitter asking how I am and I’ve completely blanked him. I have nothing to say to him. Once you feel like this op there’s no coming back from it.

Look a little further and see if there are other red flags. You may not have to look far.
I’m 42 and my “ex” was 43 and to give you a good laugh he asked me within the first week of meeting if I fancied having a baby. We have 4 kids between us, an older teen and each and a junior age child each.

What a nutter. I would 100% rather have no sex than feel like that again. My mum and her husband are 63 and newlyweds and are swinging from the chandeliers

Porn addict. Crap in bed. Selfish wanker (literally!).

You honestly deserve better & if you don’t believe that then get it of this shitty situation, work on believing that before starting another relationship. Basically..run for the hills!

He has said he’d like to film me giving him oral sex (quite the surprise).
No, don't do this. Just no.
Definitely into porn - wants to make his own porno so he can watch it back and wank.
In the back of my head I think I’m worried he’s gay and maybe he doesn’t even know if he is.
He's probably not gay but he prefers porn to being with a real woman.

My god I don’t know what to do at all
Bin him. You don't need to waste any more time analysing what his problem is. It's very simple - sexually, you aren't compatible. He also doesn't want kids and you do.

He has said he’d like to film me giving him oral sex (quite the surprise)

Then he can post it on Reddit, where all the other men can rate it. No thanks.

*other rate my girlfriend sites are available.

How are you ever going to have a baby with a man who is not interested in sex and cant ejaculate with you?

He is doing counselling for him - not you - you have nothing to be 'grateful' for. Aged 39 he sounds like he should have done it a long long time ago. Have you considered the freedom programme, if you have a history of difficult relationships it might help.

Dont let him film you, some types of guys can get real nasty when you figure out who they really are, he could use it against you.

If you move in together you'll get to see all that selfishness play out in all the other aspects of your life too.