Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

This is grim and sad AF. He will never change, he didn't for a 10-year-relationship and he was 'shocked' when she left him? Can you imagine how the poor woman felt? He's crap at intimacy. He doesn't love fanny. He's an adult, the fuck he doesn't know how to give oral sex.

Life is way too short for this, way.

This relationship is totally dysfunctional.

@CarolBains
Ignore all that sour nonsense from pinky!

I'm sorry but I've been In a similar relationship- him not returning favours, barely touching me etc and while he was very enthusiastic and came quickly, the only orgasm I ever got was the one I gave myself while he was in the bathroom afterwards.
End it. It won't get better.

Hi OP.

I've just read the thread and see how you are torn as he's great in other ways.

He is, however, exceedingly selfish in sex - something that is usually a key part of a relationship as it contributes physically and emotionally to you both.

A man having a physical problem needn't prevent that.

He hasn't given a shiny shit about your sexual needs, physically or emotionally. Not one tiny bit.

He is 40, had previous relationships, yet claims to not know anything about how to touch or please a woman. That means that he has never bothered with foreplay, or oral, or giving any pleasure ever to any woman he has ever been with. He doesnt just think your needs don't matter - he has always believed womens needs don't matter.

Op - no excuses, heis justselfish, lazy and shit in bed because he cant be arsed with women wanting pleasure - women are just to be used to get himself off.

There are sadly lots of men like this who somehow get a woman who thinks it's her fault, or that maybe she is unreasonable in having her own needs. It's a big con by self-entiftled men.

I'm a big believer in having sex quickly when dating so you can weed out these losers at an early stage, before you get attached. It must be hard for you now, but I'm sorry, my advice is that it's an attitude problem, not a sexual problem, and at 40, that's who he is. You have found yourself with a man who doesnt think women deserve any sexual pleasure of their own. His comment about feeling under pressure to cum for you, proves that. He imagines his pleasure, is how you get pleasure? You dont want your own orgasm? Fucking selfish man.

He will always be shit in bed. If they dont know how to have sex by that age, they never will. He doesnt know how to because hes never been interested in the woman's pleasure or lack thereof.

Be clear that the only 2 options you are choosing between are leaving him, or staying and always having shit sex.

Don't let being kind force you into a sexless relationship.

It won't be long before you feel like you are the one with a problem in terms of sex. It is entirely usual to have sex with your partner, and he is withholding a normal sex life from you.

Life is too short to pretend that sex doesn't matter or that someone giving you a life somewhere or texting you nice things is more important. Friends can give you a life and cheery supportive WhatsApp messages.

Cut your losses. Let him sort out his lack of sex drive and you can move on. You won't have failed him, he has an issue that was there before you met him. If a previous partner left him for someone else, and they had had little sex before, you know that it's not you who has the problem.

Don't be kind here. If he can't even ejaculate then how will you have try to conceive children? He may well say there are ways around It, but how will you find trying to conceive when he has to "perform" when he can't do it now when it's meant to be fun?

You will lose years of your life to this man if you let him convince you that you should overlook a full and fulfilling relationship can be ignored because of him looking after you when you weren't feeling well.

He imagines his pleasure is how you get pleasure
you're supposed to enjoy the fact that he uses your body as an appliance to facilitate his orgasm, lucky you!
the chosen one!
You get to witness the amazing spectacle of his orgasm, what more could you possibly want!

OP I thought twice about posting on this thread, because just reading your posts made me choke up and get tearful. You've described my ex to a perfect tee.

Amongst the many things he did, I discovered he had a porn addiction, and the material he was watching was absolutely disgusting and depraved behaviour against women. Our sex life was very similar to the one you've described. Just like you've said about your partner, mine was a lovely family man to the outside world. People simply couldn't believe it when I threw him out.

Please don't take any notice of any insults on here, only you know what's going on in your life, and these people don't instantly show themselves to you. That's why the first time was great, then it became not so great.

I personally think that this relationship wont get any better - but there is life on the other side of splitting up and you need to grab the chance to have a decent relationship with someone who wants to have sex with you!

My first thought was porn addict. How he's behaving is not normal

After 8 months I would cut my losses and run. I don't think it's even worth having a conversation with him about it, he's not going to change. Just tell him you don't think it's working, wish him well and move on with your life.

All the time you spend torturing yourself about why he's like he is, is wasting an opportunity for you to find someone you're actually compatible with. Like PP's have said, it's not your job to fix him.

Kills my arms

😂😂😂

Yeah what PP said, if he honestly finds himself to be clueless about why his 10 YEAR relationship ended, wtf does that tell you? That woman tried. He refused to listen/address it/change. How long are you willing to put into this?

I’ve ended it and said many things along the lines of feeling like he’s selfish, that in 8 months he’s not bothered about my pleasure and that his attitude towards sex is somewhat misogynistic.

He’s spoken about all the lovely things we’ve done together and feels like he can’t be like that, he feels there’s a problem that he wants to address.
The advice I’ve received is what’s in my head, selfish, gay, porn, doesn’t care about my pleasure. I couldn’t hear anything he was saying. So it’s over and feels like shit.
He’s sent messages explaining how he’s in counselling and now dealing with understanding he has issues surrounding sex. He said under all this he hates that he’s become a negative force in my life and agrees that on the back of that we shouldn’t be together.

I want to feel like I’ve made the right decision but I’m not sure if I have. I’m not sure if there’s ever a perfect relationship and I’m not sure if I’ve just thrown away someone in my life that makes me so happy and cares about me in lots of ways for an issue he’s acknowledged and something he wanted to work on.

It seems easy doesn’t it to think I could find someone else, someone who ticks all the boxes, does anyone, really tick all those boxes? I know I’ve tried to meet that person for 10 years and he’s the only one that’s come close and seemingly might have tried to tick the ones he wasn’t reaching.

I wish it didn’t feel so hard

very brave of you OP.

It will feel crap for a while. Focus on the good things in your life and look forward to all the lovely sex you'll (eventually) find!

No there’s never a perfect relationship but honestly that is a major issue that you can’t compromise on and despite what he’s saying, he is unlikely to genuinely change his behaviour.

Agree that he sounds like a porn addict. Get rid, it will never get better

It is hard @CarolBains, but it is the right thing to do. You just can’t fix him and you would only have broken yourself trying.

Finding someone can feel extremely hard but it really is not impossible. There are good, single men out there. Men who will be fun and kind and generous (in and out of bed) and who will make great partners (and co-parents in the future). They do exist and you deserve no less than that.

Let yourself grieve the end of this relationship now, but don’t feel you’re doomed to be single forever just because you didn’t meet a good one between 24 and 34.

I stayed in a dreadful relationship from 25-36 out of inertia and fear. I met (now) DH at 37. He’s currently irritating the hell out of me (we have a month old baby, so lack of sleep may be contributing) but he is the right one for me nonetheless.

My mum divorced my dad (who is an alcoholic nightmare) in her 30s and met my stepdad in her 40s. They’re very happy together (in their late 60s).

You have plenty of time yet. Even if you are hoping for children, you have time to find someone worth parenting with.

He is trying to diminish the importance of sex tbh. He may be having counselling but that isn't to sort him out for you, it's to sort him out for himself. Don't let him tell you he is making changes for you to guilt you into staying.

You aren't throwing away a perfectly good relationship. And he hasn't been making you feel good about yourself if you've been upset or worrying about the sex aspect. He very much left you to fend for yourself there without giving much of a shit for how it made you feel.

It will be tough, but staying with him wasn t a viable option by the sounds of everything.

Sorry OP

Really if he was a 'good guy' he would have realised he had issues and stayed single or ended it til he, hopefully, resolved them. He knew he had issues but thought that that was ok to do to you?

Therapy together? Developing intimacy without sex to take the respite off him? There is clearly a lot more to this than simply porn or gay. You have feelings for him. There are other ways.

Good decision OP. While there is no such thing as the perfect partner, things should be at their best in the first year. Small problems grow and become bigger over the years so this pretty big problem (and by that, i'm referring not giving a damn about you in the bedroom) is going to be huge in a short time.

I never understand why men who watch so much porn are so bad at sex. Isn't it supposed to be educational?

@ChavvySexPond

I never understand why men who watch so much porn are so bad at sex. Isn't it supposed to be educational?

Why would porn be educational?

What Juno and Extremely said. He's an adult, he needs to sort himself out but you deserve so much better than the worst shag on the planet who just doesn't care about your pleasure. That's fucked up and utterly shit.

You have done the right thing OP, you have given it 8 months and he has made little or no effort to please you. I also find the way he wanted to be "bitten" a bit concerning, makes you wonder what was going on in his head at that time and then "it" all went peculiar subsequent to that.

I know it is sad Op but it is sad that he has not addressed his problems before now. His previous partner went off with someone else and if he's as nice as you say he is makes you wonder why.
He knows he's got a problem and he has never addressed it and if you stayed with him I don't think either, why would he, he was quite happy the way things were.