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Original poster

Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

324 replies

CarolBains · 05/09/2020 20:16

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

OP posts:
Bence69 · 05/09/2020 22:00

Jesus Christ fuck that shit get rid of him. Anything that is that hard should be fucked off

howlathebees · 05/09/2020 22:01

Dump him!

TwentyViginti · 05/09/2020 22:01

How can you say he's like the 'kindest, loveliest person' when his idea of sex is wanking furiously with you there totally unsatisfied? And wanting to film your mouth round his cock for god knows what purposes or uploads?

IJustWantSomeBees · 05/09/2020 22:02

Please don’t assume that because he watches porn he’s into rape. I know MN is very anti-porn due to the human trafficking stats related to it, but it is simply not reality that all porn is trafficked women being violently raped.

Porn definitely shapes the way men view women (and themselves) but the fact that he watches it does not mean that he’s a closet sadist. I suggest doing your own research into it and having a frank discussion with him

Elsiebear90 · 05/09/2020 22:02

I’m not sure about the porn thing tbh, seems more like he’s gay to me, and I’m gay myself. Either way does it really matter? He’s not sexually interested in you.

HazelBite · 05/09/2020 22:02

OP you cannot ignore rubbish sex, it may be okay for a while whilst everything else is okay, but it ultimately will have an effect on your self esteem and you will regard him as selfish and self centred, and will start to question your relationship.
I lasted/wasted 14 months of this sort of shit and it affected my confidence so badly.
If he really loved you he would want to express this intimately and physically please you but he doesn't does he?

SidSparrow · 05/09/2020 22:03

I don't know much about the sex thing, but I do know one thing - he's not the one.

I persevered in many relationships, made excuses for things which weren't right. Tried to see the good, made myself believe that I could reach them and make things better somehow... And the truth is you can't.

When you meet the one, you'll know it. There will be fireworks on all fronts. You'll be on the same wavelength and you'll just know that it's right. From someone who has lingered too long in relationships that weren't right, take it from me, move on. And before you know it you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

Best wishes Flowers

TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 22:05

What do you mean his last relationship messed him up?

That is one of the classic excuses of men behaving badly towards women you know.

JellyFishSquish · 05/09/2020 22:05

Porn. Lots of it. You probably don't want to know what is in his head while "he has to masterbate vigorously for agesssss".

You deserve better.

He is not the one.

queenofknives · 05/09/2020 22:06

Is this really what’s going on here!?!?

It sounds like it. You could ask him, but he might not tell you.

Either way, he doesn't sound loving or kind towards you sexually. He doesn't want to have any kind of intimacy with you. He doesn't want to make love. So, that's at least one area in which he's not loving. Does he ever touch you, kiss you, hold you, compliment you, tell you he desires you?

How does he show love to you in other ways? Do you think maybe you are confusing him not being horrible to you as him being loving? I'm sorry if that sounds patronising or just way off base.

Plussizejumpsuit · 05/09/2020 22:06

@Bluntness100

Gay.

Porn he’d at least look at you. The fact he can’t, means he’s thinking about something else.

Sorry op. He’s gay.

Do you really think that? So the only thing he could be thinking about other than the woman he's with is a man? This is fucking mental you'd just assume this.
TwentyViginti · 05/09/2020 22:07

I'm thinking you are focusing on the possible porn addiction, and not on the actual problem of him just not being interested in your pleasure.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2020 22:07

Christ calm down, she asked gay or porn, I pumped for gay.

Really go fight with your shadow in an empty room. 🤣🤣🤣

Plussizejumpsuit · 05/09/2020 22:08

So op have you talked about any of this with him? Why he's so selfish , can't look at you, the lack of oral? His response to you raising the issue around how he comes is awful! This whole thing just shows a lack of care for you sorry.

TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 22:10

How does he deal with conflict in other areas. What happens when he wants something and you want something else? What happens when you say no to him?

IJustWantSomeBees · 05/09/2020 22:11

@TwentyViginti

I'm thinking you are focusing on the possible porn addiction, and not on the actual problem of him just not being interested in your pleasure.
This!
category12 · 05/09/2020 22:11

Potentially gay seems a good shout to me - closeted guys often have a girlfriend, I mean there's a word for it (beard), it's common enough.

He's a decent enough chap outside the bedroom apparently, so his lack of interest in touching her, looking at her and giving her oral would make perfect sense if he batted for the other side.

Plussizejumpsuit · 05/09/2020 22:13

@Bluntness100

Christ calm down, she asked gay or porn, I pumped for gay.

Really go fight with your shadow in an empty room. 🤣🤣🤣

Soz I know cos you comment on here a lot so probably think you're important or something. I'm calm thanks. It really quite misogynistic to assume a woman is not calm just when they express an opinion. Whatever gender you are you might want to think about that. I just like to call people out when the talk shit and sound. homophobic.
CodenameVillanelle · 05/09/2020 22:15

He might be gay or porn addled but equally he might just have a really fucked up attitude to sex. Either way it's really not worth hanging out to find out.

TorkTorkBam · 05/09/2020 22:18

What's the point in a new relationship if one of you has no sexual attraction to the other? That's a platonic relationship at the most charitable.

Aspergallus · 05/09/2020 22:20

I think gay, based on my own experience but ultimately agree with @CodenameVillanelle.

Just walk away. Life’s too short.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 05/09/2020 22:21

Porn addiction or he's gay and can't admit it to himself.

Russellbrandshair · 05/09/2020 22:21

It’s death grip.

Dump this loser and find someone who enjoys actually having sex with a woman in real life, rather than watching porn all the time.

ZoeTurtle · 05/09/2020 22:22

@IJustWantSomeBees

Please don’t assume that because he watches porn he’s into rape. I know MN is very anti-porn due to the human trafficking stats related to it, but it is simply not reality that all porn is trafficked women being violently raped.

Porn definitely shapes the way men view women (and themselves) but the fact that he watches it does not mean that he’s a closet sadist. I suggest doing your own research into it and having a frank discussion with him

Even if what you say is true, viewers have no way of knowing whether the woman they're watching is fully consenting or not. So yes, anybody who watches strangers in porn is okay with masturbating to rape.
CarrieFour · 05/09/2020 22:23

I think either you need to put absolutely everything on the table, explain why you're so unhappy and ask what the issue is.

Or just tell him that it's over.

You deserve so much better and it's really sad that he doesn't even care about your satisfaction. That's not kind and loving at all.