ttc for a year - now he says I'm an abuser

[SnowWhite1985]

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years. We're both 35 (I'm almost 36). About a year and a half ago we took some time away from our relationship (temporarily) because I wanted kids and he didn't (at least for the foreseeable future). Prior to that he'd said he'd be ready in a year, and then the next year said can we wait another year etc. After getting fed up of this, I told him that he needed to tell me straight what he wanted because I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice having kids to be with him if he didn't want kids. When we were apart (it lasted a couple of months), he spent a lot of time with one of my close female friends, who has a young daughter. He hadn't wanted to split/take time apart, and after spending time with my friend he sent me all these messages begging me to get back together. He said he wanted kids with me so badly and that spending time with this woman and her daughter had made him realise how much he wants to be a dad. He said he was just scared about being a good dad and he wanted us to be in the best position we could be to be parents. At the time the only two friends I told about this thought it was manipulative, as he did a 360 going from "I'm absolutely not ready to have kids right now" to "it's my dream to have kids and please don't take that away from me it's all I want and I want it with you". He said to me that I had taken away his dreams and that his dream was to have kids with me. So we reconciled.

We started ttc almost immediately after that. I started doing all sorts of tests, researching etc to give us the best chance. I have low AMH but all my other tests came back normal. He was reluctant to get tests. He was supposed to be getting sperm tests but put it off and hasn't done it yet. He didn't give me any emotional support or take any interest in my tests etc but I didn't think that was a massive red flag - it just felt a bit lonely so I turned to the wonderful ttc boards on here for support.

Anyway, this month we missed the first two days of my fertile window. My partner - as soon as he knew it was my fertile window - said he was struggling to cope and had to focus on work. He barely talked to me for a couple of days. I asked him if we could try to conceive at least once this cycle and he got upset with me saying he had to prioritise work. After I asked him again what was up and if something bad had happened at work, he said he doesn't want kids right now and that he has to focus on work and can't cope with the pressure of doing "both". I asked what he meant by "doing both" and he said his work and a relationship. He said he never wanted to ttc, but that he thought it was the only way we'd stay together because being "just us" would never be enough for me. He said he wants kids in the (distant) future but not anytime soon because the timing isn't right. He said he can't even focus on our relationship right now never mind kids because he has to focus on work.

Earlier tonight we had a big argument. I was feeling particularly emotional because it's close to my ovulation and it felt like such a missed opportunity. I feel like I'm losing time to ever have kids. And he was barely talking to me which felt like some sort of punishment. In any event, I started off really quite calm, but then I got incredibly upset because he wouldn't look at me and he wouldn't say what he wants or how he feels or where we stand. So I just got more and more frustrated. He ended up not saying very much and I just got upset and talked about my feelings a lot. I did give him plenty of time to talk but then it was just incredibly long, awkward silences. What he did say was that he feels that this relationship was a means to an end for me and that I'm only with him because I want kids. I said isn't it normal to want a family with the person you love and who you're in a long-term committed relationship with? But he said it hurts him that he'll never be enough for me and that I prioritise having kids above our relationship. He said I've made it a condition on us being together and he can't deal with that.

As it became clear to me that he doesn't actually want kids, I said that what he said to me a year ago now felt misleading, and that I felt like he's been stringing me along when it wasn't really what he wanted. He says he meant it at the time but that his feelings fluctuate from day to day. He said sometimes he feels fine with ttc in theory and other times he doesn't and he said in practice it makes him feel physically sick because I'm ready for it and he's not. He wouldn't say when he'd be ready, if ever. I then asked him to describe his ideal life scenario over the next 5-10 years if there were no rush or fertility issues. How he wanted life to be. He then proceeded to describe where he would live, work, success in professional life etc and didn't even mention me or kids.

Anyway, we then took a bit of a time out as he said he didn't know how he felt about me or about having kids with me and that he needed time to think. I just got more and more upset with the silence and the lack of answers. So I went to the kitchen to do the dishes and ended up breaking down sobbing then I threw a glass at the wall. He was upstairs at the time so nowhere nearby. He then told me to leave as he couldn't stand to look at me but I proceeded to clean up the glass. Once I finished cleaning it he said I'm an abusive and violent partner. He asked me again to leave and said he couldn't even look at me right now. So I left. I'm staying in a hotel last night. We live together but I bought the house we stay in - so technically if anyone should leave it should be him. But I also felt really ashamed.

I still have no answers and I haven't heard from him since. He says he definitely wants to be with me but he'd rather it be "just us" for the foreseeable future (or forever because by then it would be too late for me to have kids anyway, which he acknowledges). I suppose he is right to say that I've made our relationship conditional on us having kids. But I don't think it's fair for him to ask or expect me to give up ever having kids just because he doesn't want them right now. He also pointed out that time isn't an issue for him as he can likely have kids into his 50s - so this is an issue for me not him.

In summary, it's all a big fat horrible mess. The conversation, which lasted for hours, was really distressing for me. But I don't feel like he's listened to, or will even acknowledge, anything I've said now - because I threw the glass and I'm now the abuser. I just can't see how we could go from actively ttc a few days ago to this now.

At the same time I feel like I already knew all of this deep down and none of it was a surprise to me. He already showed all of this before he begged me for us to reconcile last time. His actions throughout the ttc also showed me that but I chose to believe his earlier words, which didn't match his actions.

I don't think I do want to be with him if he doesn't want kids with me. I've always thought of relationships as a (potential) family, rather than just being about two people. He seems to think I have to put him first before everything and not want anything myself. I made it clear from when we first met that having a big family was really important to me.

It all feels horrible because now he's acting like I was using him to have kids because that's all that's on my one track mind and it was some sort of plan of mine from the start to use him as a means to an end. He actually said that the relationship was just a means to an end for me and that all I wanted was kids. And he's saying I'm abusive and violent so as to avoid acknowledging any responsibility for his own action. It's like me throwing the glass cancels out everything I've been through for the last few years. Before I threw the glass he acknowledged he'd never been there for me emotionally but said he just didn't have the bandwidth for a relationship most of the time as he can only concentrate and expend energy on one thing (work).

I've found it all incredibly unsettling - I'm starting to feel like I was responsible for this entire argument when in fact he initiated it by completely changing his mind about ttc. I feel so guilty for smashing the glass. He wouldn't look at me afterwards and told me not to come near him or even think about touching him. I felt horrible.

I know we won't talk for a few days at least, possibly weeks, because that's the way he is whenever we have a disagreement. When anything is difficult emotionally he retreats and I'm left wondering where I stand for ages.

But I think the relationship is over. I'm finding it difficult to separate my feelings regarding the relationship from the grief I feel about not becoming a mother anytime in the near future, or perhaps ever at all. It feels like more lost years and that time really is running out for me to ever have children. He's been incredibly distant recently but I just put up with it and tried to focus on other things because I was grateful we were finally ttc. I feel like he's taken that last bit of hope away from me. And so I threw a glass.

[Bobblehatwobble]

OP do not feel ashamed about the glass - I have a low AMH and have been ttc with my partner (we’re now on the IVF route) and I know how frustrated you must feel with everything. Some days it takes all my strength not to smash things! Anyone who has been in your position will understand. He is using it as an excuse to get his own way.
The house is yours - kick him out - go and see a fantastic fertility consultant and have that baby on your own.
Good luck 💐 x

[TwentyViginti]

I'm wondering now if he knows he's infertile, maybe had the snip without telling you?

[ErinBrockovich]

This would be my plan:

1. End the relationship.
   
2. Ask him to leave the property.
   
3. Rally friends/family/support to grieve and recover
   
4. Spend some time alone to focus on you
   
5. Make a plan for the future
   

All I will say OP is I know someone who became a father to keep his partner. He’s the most miserable, down trodden, negative person I know and whilst he puts a brave face on it, someone will eventually tell his daughter how much he didn’t want her because absolutely everyone knows he got bullied into it.

That’s not the life you want for your child/ren. Yes, he took the last year from you with lies and false promises. Don’t let him take a minute more.

[Bluntness100]

He said that any woman who has a baby on their own is selfish as that's putting herself before the child

This is one of the more insidiously abusive things I’ve read on here. This isn’t just he doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want you to have a child alone either so he can be with you, if you had a child it would defintely be over for him

What he’s doing to you is awful. He’s lying and abusing you. Robbing you deliberaly if your chance to have a baby, and given the chance will ensure you don’t have one alone either.

You need to run op and you need to run fast.

[Dery]

Hi OP

Hopefully you've managed a bit of sleep now and are feeling better about yourself. Feel no shame - you've done nothing wrong. You threw a glass in the kitchen, not at him. You threw a glass because you have trusted this man and he is happy to steal from you your chance at motherhood when you have always made very clear that it is what you want.

It's chilling that he's suggesting he should be enough for you - no healthy, functioning adult would take that view. I think that's actually quite sinister.

You're allowed to have deal-breakers in a relationship and whether or not to have children commonly is one because there is no compromise between having no children and having children and having children changes your life completely. Also, once a couple are in their 30s, it has to be done on the woman's timeline, not the man's - as you've flagged, he could comfortably father children 20 years from now (though whether he would fancy the sleepless nights etc in his mid-50s is another matter, of course). Your window will close much sooner.

And this man is clearly quite selfish enough that he would steal your chance of becoming a mother and then swan off 15-20 years from now and have children with a younger woman.

He's a manipulative bastard and you need him out of your life. As PP have said, even if he turned round now and said he wanted children, you couldn't trust him - he would almost certainly vanish again during pregnancy and/or the early years of parenting and since he's already said he should be enough, he would resent the attention you gave to your children.

It's great that it's your house. I'm looking forward to your update saying you've given him his marching orders. I would try to get him out as soon as possible. He sounds capable of turning really nasty (he already is behaving nastily) once he realises his cushy number has gone.

At 36 you're right that you don't want to wait much longer because it will be getting harder to conceive but you do still have a bit of time. In your shoes, I think I would have been tempted to go it alone rather than risk not meeting a willing father in time or rushing into the wrong relationship because of pressure from my body clock. PP are right that you have to think about the child as well as yourself in this. But it sounds like you could give your child a secure home and family life.

I wouldn't rule out sharing parenthood with your gay friends - it would have to be very carefully mapped out and negotiated but I know of two gay couples (one female and one male) who share parenting in this way and it has worked out really well. But of course the potential for complications increases greatly if you do try to involve other people. But that is also the case if you're raising your children with a partner, in fact - unless you have identical views on parenting which is certainly not the case in our house.

[SVRT19674]

Sorry, im afraid you're the ggod enough for now girl and he gets upset when you try to move up from that status. He either doesn't want kids or he doesn't want kids with you. Move on. Your desire for a child is not selfish it is totally normal and if he isn't on the same page he can move out and stop manipulating you with his life isn't worth living tripe. He obviously doesn't give a damn about the pain u are goi g through and that speaks volumes. Look at his action not the honey coated lips!

[Doggodogington]

Op my best friend is 43, she wanted children. She has been with her DP for 20 years, he (48) kept telling her “not yet”, “next year” “after we marry” (they aren’t even engaged). That’ll be you. Your DP is stringing you along. Do not waste your remaining fertile years on the twat. It’ll end up in tears and resentment.

[weathervane1]

I'd envisage what you might be feeling when you're much older and people ask "so you decided not to have children then"... and you say "no, my partner refused"... I think you'll feel pretty bitter by then.

[ErinBrockovich]

I’d also add not to discuss this any further with him.
He will fuck with your head. Fill it with hope. Mess you around and make you doubt yourself. Everything that needs to be said has been said.
No good can come for you from discussing it any more.
Good luck OP.

[TorkTorkBam]

Are you scared of going home, telling him it is over and asking him to leave?

You seem to rank his feelings way above yours. You seem to believe his words even when his actions are contrary.

Are you shitting yourself about the tsunami of emotional manipulation that will come from him when you split up?

[QuentinWinters]

I'm wondering now if he knows he's infertile, maybe had the snip without telling you?
I thought the same. I thought that might be why he wanted a two month break, so everything was recovered.
But now he's panicking because you want fertility tests so he's making it your fault.

He's an absolute shit. Bin him.

[LillianBland]

@RyanBergarasTeeth

Ofc he doesnt want to break up. You have provided him a house and love and are currently doing what he wants in shagging him without having a baby why would he want to give it up. He thinks he can bide his time until your too old and then say oh well it wasnt meant to be.

This. He’s such a cheeky bastard, telling you to leave your own home. He’s really done a number on you. Lives in YOUR house, lies to you about wanting to have children, moves out and realises he’ll need to support himself, so manipulates you to get back into the house YOU own. I can’t believe he tricked you into leaving your own home.

[Dery]

"I’d also add not to discuss this any further with him.
He will fuck with your head. Fill it with hope. Mess you around and make you doubt yourself. Everything that needs to be said has been said.
No good can come for you from discussing it any more.
Good luck OP."

This. And don't risk finding yourself in the same position as @Doggodogington's friend.

And if you think he will make trouble over leaving the house (though goodness knows he shouldn't), get one or two family members and/or friends to come and stay with you for a few days so he doesn't try anything and gets the message that he needs to be gone.

[QualityFeet]

OP hope you have had some sleep. Reread your post. You threw a glass - so what? You are not a habitual thrower of pots around your partner. He hopes his response puts you back in your box. He has lied about a huge fundamental thing and doesn’t care because he thinks it’s his right to mean more than your hopes, wants and more than any truth. He is a baby yelling put me first. He struggles not to know he is a supreme deity and you struggle to know you dont date someone just because they want to go out with you. You need to work on your boundaries- you are worth much more. Stop all the anguish go and briskly remove him from your house (yeah I bet he doesn’t want to go, boo hoo) and block his numbers. Move on with your life. Date, have fun and go it alone - it won’t be lonely but lovely.

[CC12x]

Hi Op, so sorry you are going through this my only advice to you would be to end the relationship.

I Know easier said than done but the feeling of wanting your own child will never leave and you will only resent him down the line. Its a horrible situation and i feel for you. But be strong and do whats best for you as life is really too short, you will meet someone or do it alone either way you will be so thankful you picked being a mum over being his partner. Good luck x

[JammyHands]

I also think he’s had a vasectomy you don’t know about. He could eve have had it done while you were separated.

[Waterwipe]

I’m with the previous posters who say you need to kick him out of your house. Send him with ALL his stuff so he can’t come back. And change the locks.

And then concentrate on moving on.

You say you have some gay friends who have offered to have a baby with you - I know a few local people who that has worked out really well for. You’ll have help, and the baby will have an extended family etc.

Either that or a sperm donor would be better than your partner, from all you’ve said. He sounds like a very negative presence in your life. He doesn’t sound like he’d be a terrific dad either.

I don’t think the fact that you threw a glass at a wall is a big deal. He’s trying to shame you for that to deflect.

[LillianBland]

@JammyHands

I also think he’s had a vasectomy you don’t know about. He could eve have had it done while you were separated.

I thought that same thing, when the OP said he was refusing to get tested. However, he’s still making excuses not to have sex on her fertile days.

[tara66]

Get a grip OP. Why did you move out of your own house? Why did he feel he could tell you to leave your own house? Can't get over that for a start. He is a ''Me, Me. Me'' person. ''Poor me - you threw a glass so you have to leave''?? (I suppose he does not play rough sports like rugby or do horse riding etc. then?) Probably too immature to have children anyway. He is also a liar. You must see that. Get rid ASAP.

[Nanny0gg]

@UnfinishedSymphon

Why did he spend time with YOUR female friend and her daughter when you split up, that seems a little weird. Is/was something going on there?

I don't mean to hurt you OP but I'd put money on him getting a new girlfriend (if he hasn't already) and her getting pregnant within the year. Sadly I think he just doesn't want children with you.

Get back to your house and get him kicked out, I can't believe you listening when he told you to leave your own house!

I was wondering that too

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

Definitely get rid and it is more common than people think. I know of 2 women. One he convinced her to his way if thinking. When she turned 50 he had an affair with a much younger woman and guess what? Left her and had a child. Another one who's partner has been stringing her along for years. When she was 44 she excitedly told me they were TTC and although it's nine of my business I was annoyed because guess what? They can't conceive but now he gets to sit back and say we tried. In her case she really just can't see how manipulative he has been. Follow the advice, get him gone and start a new life

[Al1Langdownthecleghole]

He is emotionally abusing you. The sulking, the silences, the controlling "when I'm ready" tactics, not wanting what you want, but not wanting you to have your own life...

I'm sorry, but I agree with other PP. this relationship isn't working for you and I'm afraid that means it's over.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[Notredamn]

You'll never agree on this. You want a baby desperately whereas he has no intention of ever being a father. He only says he does when trying to manipulate you. He is actively trying to prevent you from being a mother. His end game is that he'll have pulled the wool over your eyes for long enough that you'll be of an age where having a baby will sadly no longer be a possibility.
Endless heart to hearts are pointless. All the conversations will do is cause you further distress. He won't change. And you won't change in that you suddenly won't want a child anymore.
You need to end it.

[dottiedodah]

Well firstly you need to take back whats yours surely? Its your bloody home not his! Secondly I dont think he wants children at all really .Deep down I think you know that too.You are coming up to 36 which is a good time to have DC now ,Hanging around with this guy means you could be wasting the rest of your fertile years! Pleas reconsider your R/L and find someone nice to have kids with. Dont want to be on here in 5 years time at 40 odd still in the same position do you?

[INeedNewShoes]

Time to stop messing around. See this as a lucky escape and get rid of him.

I had a baby via IUI at a fertility clinic as a single parent. I was 34 and single and sick of being messed around so I sorted my priorities out and realised I needed to get on with it and become a parent.

DD is 3 now and even on the toughest of days I’ve never had even a glimpse of regret at having done this.