ttc for a year - now he says I'm an abuser

[SnowWhite1985]

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years. We're both 35 (I'm almost 36). About a year and a half ago we took some time away from our relationship (temporarily) because I wanted kids and he didn't (at least for the foreseeable future). Prior to that he'd said he'd be ready in a year, and then the next year said can we wait another year etc. After getting fed up of this, I told him that he needed to tell me straight what he wanted because I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice having kids to be with him if he didn't want kids. When we were apart (it lasted a couple of months), he spent a lot of time with one of my close female friends, who has a young daughter. He hadn't wanted to split/take time apart, and after spending time with my friend he sent me all these messages begging me to get back together. He said he wanted kids with me so badly and that spending time with this woman and her daughter had made him realise how much he wants to be a dad. He said he was just scared about being a good dad and he wanted us to be in the best position we could be to be parents. At the time the only two friends I told about this thought it was manipulative, as he did a 360 going from "I'm absolutely not ready to have kids right now" to "it's my dream to have kids and please don't take that away from me it's all I want and I want it with you". He said to me that I had taken away his dreams and that his dream was to have kids with me. So we reconciled.

We started ttc almost immediately after that. I started doing all sorts of tests, researching etc to give us the best chance. I have low AMH but all my other tests came back normal. He was reluctant to get tests. He was supposed to be getting sperm tests but put it off and hasn't done it yet. He didn't give me any emotional support or take any interest in my tests etc but I didn't think that was a massive red flag - it just felt a bit lonely so I turned to the wonderful ttc boards on here for support.

Anyway, this month we missed the first two days of my fertile window. My partner - as soon as he knew it was my fertile window - said he was struggling to cope and had to focus on work. He barely talked to me for a couple of days. I asked him if we could try to conceive at least once this cycle and he got upset with me saying he had to prioritise work. After I asked him again what was up and if something bad had happened at work, he said he doesn't want kids right now and that he has to focus on work and can't cope with the pressure of doing "both". I asked what he meant by "doing both" and he said his work and a relationship. He said he never wanted to ttc, but that he thought it was the only way we'd stay together because being "just us" would never be enough for me. He said he wants kids in the (distant) future but not anytime soon because the timing isn't right. He said he can't even focus on our relationship right now never mind kids because he has to focus on work.

Earlier tonight we had a big argument. I was feeling particularly emotional because it's close to my ovulation and it felt like such a missed opportunity. I feel like I'm losing time to ever have kids. And he was barely talking to me which felt like some sort of punishment. In any event, I started off really quite calm, but then I got incredibly upset because he wouldn't look at me and he wouldn't say what he wants or how he feels or where we stand. So I just got more and more frustrated. He ended up not saying very much and I just got upset and talked about my feelings a lot. I did give him plenty of time to talk but then it was just incredibly long, awkward silences. What he did say was that he feels that this relationship was a means to an end for me and that I'm only with him because I want kids. I said isn't it normal to want a family with the person you love and who you're in a long-term committed relationship with? But he said it hurts him that he'll never be enough for me and that I prioritise having kids above our relationship. He said I've made it a condition on us being together and he can't deal with that.

As it became clear to me that he doesn't actually want kids, I said that what he said to me a year ago now felt misleading, and that I felt like he's been stringing me along when it wasn't really what he wanted. He says he meant it at the time but that his feelings fluctuate from day to day. He said sometimes he feels fine with ttc in theory and other times he doesn't and he said in practice it makes him feel physically sick because I'm ready for it and he's not. He wouldn't say when he'd be ready, if ever. I then asked him to describe his ideal life scenario over the next 5-10 years if there were no rush or fertility issues. How he wanted life to be. He then proceeded to describe where he would live, work, success in professional life etc and didn't even mention me or kids.

Anyway, we then took a bit of a time out as he said he didn't know how he felt about me or about having kids with me and that he needed time to think. I just got more and more upset with the silence and the lack of answers. So I went to the kitchen to do the dishes and ended up breaking down sobbing then I threw a glass at the wall. He was upstairs at the time so nowhere nearby. He then told me to leave as he couldn't stand to look at me but I proceeded to clean up the glass. Once I finished cleaning it he said I'm an abusive and violent partner. He asked me again to leave and said he couldn't even look at me right now. So I left. I'm staying in a hotel last night. We live together but I bought the house we stay in - so technically if anyone should leave it should be him. But I also felt really ashamed.

I still have no answers and I haven't heard from him since. He says he definitely wants to be with me but he'd rather it be "just us" for the foreseeable future (or forever because by then it would be too late for me to have kids anyway, which he acknowledges). I suppose he is right to say that I've made our relationship conditional on us having kids. But I don't think it's fair for him to ask or expect me to give up ever having kids just because he doesn't want them right now. He also pointed out that time isn't an issue for him as he can likely have kids into his 50s - so this is an issue for me not him.

In summary, it's all a big fat horrible mess. The conversation, which lasted for hours, was really distressing for me. But I don't feel like he's listened to, or will even acknowledge, anything I've said now - because I threw the glass and I'm now the abuser. I just can't see how we could go from actively ttc a few days ago to this now.

At the same time I feel like I already knew all of this deep down and none of it was a surprise to me. He already showed all of this before he begged me for us to reconcile last time. His actions throughout the ttc also showed me that but I chose to believe his earlier words, which didn't match his actions.

I don't think I do want to be with him if he doesn't want kids with me. I've always thought of relationships as a (potential) family, rather than just being about two people. He seems to think I have to put him first before everything and not want anything myself. I made it clear from when we first met that having a big family was really important to me.

It all feels horrible because now he's acting like I was using him to have kids because that's all that's on my one track mind and it was some sort of plan of mine from the start to use him as a means to an end. He actually said that the relationship was just a means to an end for me and that all I wanted was kids. And he's saying I'm abusive and violent so as to avoid acknowledging any responsibility for his own action. It's like me throwing the glass cancels out everything I've been through for the last few years. Before I threw the glass he acknowledged he'd never been there for me emotionally but said he just didn't have the bandwidth for a relationship most of the time as he can only concentrate and expend energy on one thing (work).

I've found it all incredibly unsettling - I'm starting to feel like I was responsible for this entire argument when in fact he initiated it by completely changing his mind about ttc. I feel so guilty for smashing the glass. He wouldn't look at me afterwards and told me not to come near him or even think about touching him. I felt horrible.

I know we won't talk for a few days at least, possibly weeks, because that's the way he is whenever we have a disagreement. When anything is difficult emotionally he retreats and I'm left wondering where I stand for ages.

But I think the relationship is over. I'm finding it difficult to separate my feelings regarding the relationship from the grief I feel about not becoming a mother anytime in the near future, or perhaps ever at all. It feels like more lost years and that time really is running out for me to ever have children. He's been incredibly distant recently but I just put up with it and tried to focus on other things because I was grateful we were finally ttc. I feel like he's taken that last bit of hope away from me. And so I threw a glass.

Sorry to post such a short reply but I wanted to put something.
Calling you an abuser? Oldest trick in the book especially when they are themselves
In your house? Get him out now. Arsehole. Cocklodger.
He doesn't want kids. He might want you but do you want a man like this? I've seen friends lose their chance to ever have kids because of selfish pricks like this.

Freeze your eggs. Then you have time. Expensive probably but you aren't at the mercy of men like this. You could have a baby now and that's fine but a baby with a loving partner who wants kids is even better surely? You can probably pay it off over a few years.

Unfortunately a lot of single men are arseholes and see women your age as 'desperate to have kids' with 'just anyone'. And this way you won't be, and that ability to relax will attract much better quality men. Ones that see it as important and share your goal.

This one though is a knob. Nature is doing you a massive favour. Huge. You are not an abuser hers just saying whatever's convenient- like he did when you split.

Not a short reply after all! Do wish MN had an edit feature!

@SnowWhite1985
With donor, the child may wonder for ever who his or her father is.
It is a fundamental need for people to know ''Who they are''.

The not knowing can really affect them.

At least find a donor who you know about, so the child knows who his or her father is.

I do know a Donor who said he donated ''and would have nothing whatsoever to do with the DC, they would be their mother's sole responsibility {he has two donor DC with one mother } ....but he has been a better dad to them IMO than many 'married dads'.

It is important to think of it from the DC's point of view... Please don't lose sight of that.

What an absolute shit. He has completely misled you by pretending to want kids just to stay in the relationship. That’s awful. I’d get rid now. That it the behaviour of a very selfish man.

@SelkieQualia

Honestly, in your position, I would leave him now and go have donor insemination. Having a baby on your own is hard, but it's way easier than having one with a man who doesn't want one.

I came on to say exactly this. I have two children and have been a singer parent since they were very young. I wouldn't miss the opportunity to have a child. He has wasted enough of your time.

He called YOU manipulative? YOU?! When you have been totally straight with him all along about what you want. Nice bit of projection on his part. Just get rid. He's wasting your life.

I think you must move forward from this relationship. Neither of you are getting what you need.

Believe this man when he says “next year, next year” with regard to having children. You will be 45 and childless. That’s perfectly fine if he is what you want over and above a family.

Don’t waste another month OP. Move on.

This article from a donor born person:
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/met-mysperm-donor-birth-father-years-wondering-left-crushingly/

Oh, and I had a child in my own in that I had DS and then ExDH decided family life wasn’t for him. He moved out. It was hard. I got over it. I wouldn’t swap my beautiful son for a relationship with his dad. I was 38 when we eventually had DS and still ExDH “wasn’t ready”.

He should have left the house as you own it and I would end this relationship if I was you.

He is far too uncertain about wanting children. You don't have all the time in the world and he knows this.

He'll just continue stringing you along to it's too late and then swan off with a younger woman and have kids.

He was misleading you and I would be pretty pissed off about it. If he doesn't want kids that's not a problem...but he's not been totally honest. He knew you wanted kids and if he truly loved you...he would have let you go so you could pursue that with someone else.

Sounds like he can’t cope with any amount of pressure or expectation, real or imagined. So he’d struggle as a father anyway. Sorry you’ve been made to feel like the unreasonable one here.

Go back home now. Tell him it’s over and he has to leave immediately give yourself time to grieve and move on. He’s not the one

@rorosemary

I see the freezing eggs is given. A word of warning: most eggs do not develop into blasts, most blasts die off. I've had ivf twice, with around 15 eggs taken out of me in total. 5 developed into blasts, 2 made me pregnant, only one pregnancy was viable. Just one pregnancy while I started with 15 eggs! Seeing egg freezing as a safe option to save your fertility is a bit dangerous. Freezing blasts would give you better chances. Tbh I'd just go it alone if I were you since you already know that you're okay with that.

Yup, I was also going to say that the people suggesting egg freezing, while doubtless meaning well, probably envisage it as more of a sure thing then in reality it is.

Not to say it's pointless; it can work, and the technology is much, much better than it was even a few years ago. But it isn't an ironclad insurance policy against your future fertility, by any means. For the greatest chances of success, I'd suggest that your options - in order of preference - would be 1) trying to conceive now (via IUI or IVF depending on your clinic's advice), 2) freezing blastocysts for future use, 3) egg freezing.

Go back to your house today and tell him to leave OP, it's your house! And the second he tries the 'abuser' line again you need to shut him down. You threw a glass because you'd been pushed to your limit by his constant moving of the goalposts, don't accept the abuser narrative, a one-off momentary expression of anger and frustration which hurt no one does not an abuser make. Really you just need to get him out with the minimum of discussion and move on with your life as quickly as you can, you've wasted more than enough time on him

I am very sorry you're going through this and I absolutely agree with everyone who said he's wasting your time and he's doing it on purpose. That's not love. That's manipulation for his own selfish interests.

The question you need to ask yourself is: Are you willing to sacrifice your chance to have a child for this man? This relationship? Will you be happy if you do that?

If the answer is no - then you know what you need to do. Sooner you kick him out, sooner you'll have your life and YOUR options back.

You know the answer op . It's a heartbreaking situation , but when it comes to babys/marriage , you have to be on the same page , you will end up resenting each other , which you already are beginning to. Do not waste another moment on this .

I've been through ivf , its physically and emotionally draining . So if you choose to go down that road , be prepared. Good luck

@RyanBergarasTeeth

Oh op i think you know this relationship is over. Theres no coming back from this and you absolutely should not put your desire for a baby off forever for him. In a way i know how you feel. I have been trying to get my dp to ttc for a year now and he said he wanted a baby and we could try but then everytime i ovulate he refused ro come near me and our sex life died completely. Last week we had a huge argument about it and he basically said i was manipulative and a bitch and was pressuring him and he didnt want to be near me. Ive been upset since but am working through it as unlike your partnwr mine already has dc from a previous relationship and said one day he wants more so i live in hope. But yours will steing you along until your fertile days are over and i wouldnt be suprised if he then left and saught someone else to have a child later in life with. Its always the way with these men.

I really think you need to reconsider your relationship. He called you a bitch and manipulative and you still want to have kids with him and hope he'll consider it in the future? He's shown you who he is and what he thinks of you. Do not have kids with this man.

You're flogging a dead horse here . Time to move on from him . I hadn't even had my first child at your age . However for now get rid - he's dragging you down . These men who chop and change their minds about you are devastating to your mental welfare.

Why did he spend time with YOUR female friend and her daughter when you split up, that seems a little weird. Is/was something going on there?

I don't mean to hurt you OP but I'd put money on him getting a new girlfriend (if he hasn't already) and her getting pregnant within the year. Sadly I think he just doesn't want children with you.

Get back to your house and get him kicked out, I can't believe you listening when he told you to leave your own house!

@SnowWhite1985

Thanks *@rvby* - this is the thing though. He REALLY doesn't want out of the relationship. Whenever we've fought in the past he's acted (and even said on a couple of occasions) that his life isn't worth living without me. I know that's super unhealthy but I don't think he wants to break up. He doesn't show that day to day though - he massively takes me for granted.

He lives in your house? Of course he wants to stay! Are you equal partners otherwise?

Honestly? He has been stringing you along because he wants to be with you . He also knows that no baby is deal breaker for you so he acted as if he wanted it too/he changes his mind on a day to day basis blablabla.

However what he is showing is that he has no respect for you at all. It’s all about him. Him not wanting a baby. Him not wanting to separate. Him being in an ‘abusive’ relationship. Has he ever considered YOUR feelings and what YOU want out life?? I Would say NO as he clearly has been in the intend of fooling you with his ‘I want a baby so much, you are taking that away from me’ talk.

As others have said, let it go. Go your own way, have a baby your way. The only thing that will happen by staying in this relationship is for you (and him) to become more and more resentful and unhappy.

You shattered a glass, in response to him shattering your dreams, and he tells you to get out of your own house?

C'mon, now! He wants to stay with you because you provide everything for him in this one-sided r'ship. It isn't unreasonable to want a family with the man that you are in a long-term r'ship with. What is unreasonable is him shifting the goalposts and telling you to leave because you reacted to his dismissive, minimising, and selfish attitude.

Even if he did another 360, 180, whatever..he will forever hold you in contempt for 'forcing' him do to something against his wishes.

And, God Forbid, if the baby cries while he is doing his oh-so-important work. Or you need a rest during his oh-so-important work...you will be told that he never wanted this and he has to focus.

The fact that he didn't do his fertility test, speaks volumes, too.

You need to ask him to leave, mourn the r'ship, spend some time reflecting, and then carefully consider your options. You mention that being a single parent isn't ideal. It isn't, but is having a child and making you both feel you have inconvenienced him, ideal?

It doesn't matter whether he wants to be with you ( you mention that in a few posts, in response to other posters telling you that he is being unreasonable), don't be flattered by this, because all he has done, thus far, is manipulate the situation to suit his own needs, wants, and desires. So why would he rock the SQ?

Sorry, I'm flitting..getting back to the scenario where you and he have a child..you can guarantee that any time you told him you felt tired, or frustrated, or lonely, or exhausted (all the things that you are presently feeling), you best believe his answer will be any variant of: 'This is why I told you we shouldn't have kids".

Someone like him will never be a part of your dream, only your nightmare. I wish you well, OP

We live together but I bought the house we stay in

So let me get this right. He threw out of YOUR house because you had a disagreement and he can’t look at you in the eyes. Despite being emotionally unavailable for years and lying to you in the first place?

How entitled is this guy?!?!?

@Saracen

He also pointed out that time isn't an issue for him as he can likely have kids into his 50s - so this is an issue for me not him.

That comment indicates that he doesn't see your futures together. He doesn't particularly want to be with you. What on earth does that mean, he could have kids into his 50s? He can't do that if you, his partner, are no longer fertile when he's in his 50s.

He's saying that there's no hurry for him because if, after stringing you along for years, he later changes his mind and wants kids, he can just leave you and take up with a young woman so he can have kids after all. What a kick in the teeth that would be! This is his actual plan, and he isn't ashamed to say so??!

^ Yes, this!

OP, he's happy enough being with you right now (and why not? It sounds like you're proving a roof over his head and various home comforts, and I'm sure you're a nicer, fun person to hang out with to) but he has effectively said to your face, "if I change my mind about having children I can just go and find a younger woman who hasn't wasted her fertile years waiting around for me to be ready and create a family with her instead".

That's what he asking you to give up your dream of a family for. I want you to print this off and pin it somewhere you'll see it any time you're tempted to go back to him (once you've taken your own house back and kicked him out, of course!)