ttc for a year - now he says I'm an abuser

[SnowWhite1985]

My partner and I have been together almost 6 years. We're both 35 (I'm almost 36). About a year and a half ago we took some time away from our relationship (temporarily) because I wanted kids and he didn't (at least for the foreseeable future). Prior to that he'd said he'd be ready in a year, and then the next year said can we wait another year etc. After getting fed up of this, I told him that he needed to tell me straight what he wanted because I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice having kids to be with him if he didn't want kids. When we were apart (it lasted a couple of months), he spent a lot of time with one of my close female friends, who has a young daughter. He hadn't wanted to split/take time apart, and after spending time with my friend he sent me all these messages begging me to get back together. He said he wanted kids with me so badly and that spending time with this woman and her daughter had made him realise how much he wants to be a dad. He said he was just scared about being a good dad and he wanted us to be in the best position we could be to be parents. At the time the only two friends I told about this thought it was manipulative, as he did a 360 going from "I'm absolutely not ready to have kids right now" to "it's my dream to have kids and please don't take that away from me it's all I want and I want it with you". He said to me that I had taken away his dreams and that his dream was to have kids with me. So we reconciled.

We started ttc almost immediately after that. I started doing all sorts of tests, researching etc to give us the best chance. I have low AMH but all my other tests came back normal. He was reluctant to get tests. He was supposed to be getting sperm tests but put it off and hasn't done it yet. He didn't give me any emotional support or take any interest in my tests etc but I didn't think that was a massive red flag - it just felt a bit lonely so I turned to the wonderful ttc boards on here for support.

Anyway, this month we missed the first two days of my fertile window. My partner - as soon as he knew it was my fertile window - said he was struggling to cope and had to focus on work. He barely talked to me for a couple of days. I asked him if we could try to conceive at least once this cycle and he got upset with me saying he had to prioritise work. After I asked him again what was up and if something bad had happened at work, he said he doesn't want kids right now and that he has to focus on work and can't cope with the pressure of doing "both". I asked what he meant by "doing both" and he said his work and a relationship. He said he never wanted to ttc, but that he thought it was the only way we'd stay together because being "just us" would never be enough for me. He said he wants kids in the (distant) future but not anytime soon because the timing isn't right. He said he can't even focus on our relationship right now never mind kids because he has to focus on work.

Earlier tonight we had a big argument. I was feeling particularly emotional because it's close to my ovulation and it felt like such a missed opportunity. I feel like I'm losing time to ever have kids. And he was barely talking to me which felt like some sort of punishment. In any event, I started off really quite calm, but then I got incredibly upset because he wouldn't look at me and he wouldn't say what he wants or how he feels or where we stand. So I just got more and more frustrated. He ended up not saying very much and I just got upset and talked about my feelings a lot. I did give him plenty of time to talk but then it was just incredibly long, awkward silences. What he did say was that he feels that this relationship was a means to an end for me and that I'm only with him because I want kids. I said isn't it normal to want a family with the person you love and who you're in a long-term committed relationship with? But he said it hurts him that he'll never be enough for me and that I prioritise having kids above our relationship. He said I've made it a condition on us being together and he can't deal with that.

As it became clear to me that he doesn't actually want kids, I said that what he said to me a year ago now felt misleading, and that I felt like he's been stringing me along when it wasn't really what he wanted. He says he meant it at the time but that his feelings fluctuate from day to day. He said sometimes he feels fine with ttc in theory and other times he doesn't and he said in practice it makes him feel physically sick because I'm ready for it and he's not. He wouldn't say when he'd be ready, if ever. I then asked him to describe his ideal life scenario over the next 5-10 years if there were no rush or fertility issues. How he wanted life to be. He then proceeded to describe where he would live, work, success in professional life etc and didn't even mention me or kids.

Anyway, we then took a bit of a time out as he said he didn't know how he felt about me or about having kids with me and that he needed time to think. I just got more and more upset with the silence and the lack of answers. So I went to the kitchen to do the dishes and ended up breaking down sobbing then I threw a glass at the wall. He was upstairs at the time so nowhere nearby. He then told me to leave as he couldn't stand to look at me but I proceeded to clean up the glass. Once I finished cleaning it he said I'm an abusive and violent partner. He asked me again to leave and said he couldn't even look at me right now. So I left. I'm staying in a hotel last night. We live together but I bought the house we stay in - so technically if anyone should leave it should be him. But I also felt really ashamed.

I still have no answers and I haven't heard from him since. He says he definitely wants to be with me but he'd rather it be "just us" for the foreseeable future (or forever because by then it would be too late for me to have kids anyway, which he acknowledges). I suppose he is right to say that I've made our relationship conditional on us having kids. But I don't think it's fair for him to ask or expect me to give up ever having kids just because he doesn't want them right now. He also pointed out that time isn't an issue for him as he can likely have kids into his 50s - so this is an issue for me not him.

In summary, it's all a big fat horrible mess. The conversation, which lasted for hours, was really distressing for me. But I don't feel like he's listened to, or will even acknowledge, anything I've said now - because I threw the glass and I'm now the abuser. I just can't see how we could go from actively ttc a few days ago to this now.

At the same time I feel like I already knew all of this deep down and none of it was a surprise to me. He already showed all of this before he begged me for us to reconcile last time. His actions throughout the ttc also showed me that but I chose to believe his earlier words, which didn't match his actions.

I don't think I do want to be with him if he doesn't want kids with me. I've always thought of relationships as a (potential) family, rather than just being about two people. He seems to think I have to put him first before everything and not want anything myself. I made it clear from when we first met that having a big family was really important to me.

It all feels horrible because now he's acting like I was using him to have kids because that's all that's on my one track mind and it was some sort of plan of mine from the start to use him as a means to an end. He actually said that the relationship was just a means to an end for me and that all I wanted was kids. And he's saying I'm abusive and violent so as to avoid acknowledging any responsibility for his own action. It's like me throwing the glass cancels out everything I've been through for the last few years. Before I threw the glass he acknowledged he'd never been there for me emotionally but said he just didn't have the bandwidth for a relationship most of the time as he can only concentrate and expend energy on one thing (work).

I've found it all incredibly unsettling - I'm starting to feel like I was responsible for this entire argument when in fact he initiated it by completely changing his mind about ttc. I feel so guilty for smashing the glass. He wouldn't look at me afterwards and told me not to come near him or even think about touching him. I felt horrible.

I know we won't talk for a few days at least, possibly weeks, because that's the way he is whenever we have a disagreement. When anything is difficult emotionally he retreats and I'm left wondering where I stand for ages.

But I think the relationship is over. I'm finding it difficult to separate my feelings regarding the relationship from the grief I feel about not becoming a mother anytime in the near future, or perhaps ever at all. It feels like more lost years and that time really is running out for me to ever have children. He's been incredibly distant recently but I just put up with it and tried to focus on other things because I was grateful we were finally ttc. I feel like he's taken that last bit of hope away from me. And so I threw a glass.

[CooperLooper]

OP please go and get your house back, kick him out, get rid of all of his shit and start to focus on yourself. Wanting children or not wanting children are two very fundamentally different outlooks on life. You are not compatible for each other and no amount of discussion will ever change that. Stop wasting your fertility on someone who doesn't deserve it, and stop being with a man who is trying to manipulate you into apologising for wanting children.

[JustCallMeGriffin]

Positives to focus on this morning:

1. You haven't married this selfish gas-lighting arsehole so you can literally turn your back on the relationship and never have to deal with him again
2. You own your home, he has no rights to stay there or claim on the property
3. You're still young enough for your dream of being a mother to be realised, through whatever means works for you
4. You know at least one of your friends needs to be kept at arms length because of her actions when you were on a break from arsehole

I wish you every strength for the next few days. They won't be easy but you know from the time you took a break that being free of this toxic man is good for you. Just make the break forever this time.

[ClementineWoolysocks]

Do you have someone who can go to the house with you this morning? I'm a bit worried that he may have already had the locks changed/refuse to let you in. He probably thinks the house is his now.

[Bigparrot]

In your relationship I can see you have been so patient and understanding with him and tried to do the right thing. But he's behaved appallingly.

You should not be with someone who does not take your dreams of the future seriously. He has not even been there alongside you as you've had all these tests done. How would he be there besides you as a father? Is this what you want for your children? Do not waste your patience on him any more.

Save your patience and understanding for your future child.

[Laaalaaaa]

If he smashed the glass not one of you would be glossing over it - fact.

Anyway, this is clearly not a relationship to be bringing a child into.

[ZoeTurtle]

I didn't think I'd be able to sacrifice having kids to be with him if he didn't want kids.

The relationship was dead from that moment. Move on.

[Latenightreader]

I had a baby on my own almost two years ago. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. She’s amazing, I have a network of great friends and my parents are very supportive. It’s very tough at times, but I have a friend whose partner does absolutely nothing regarding the children, and I imagine that would be much harder. If you want to chat about the reality of solo parenting and the processes involved, feel free to pm me.

[BottomOfMyPencilCase]

When you read your OP, did you realise that actually he has been clear about what he wants and you just weren't hearing it? He doesn't want DCs. He wants you to provide his house and be his shiny, happy gf with no demands or commitment until he decides to move on. You're not in his 5 year plan and neither are DCs. He probably didn't realise how much he'd revealed when he told you his vision for the next few years.
But, hard though it is just now, you should be grateful that he has both shown and told you who he is.
Now, tell him to move out. Block his numbers because he is a manipulative arse and will try to weedle his way back in. Don't feel bad about wanting DCs. Don't let him make you feel bad that he isn't 'enough'. He's offering you crumbs - of course, that isn't enough.

[Howallergic]

I'm presuming there's more to what you did if you felt bad enough to leave your own house? Do you think you're in the right frame of mind for a baby?

[QueSera]

OP he sounds absolutely horrible.
Run for the hills and never look back.

[Latenightreader]

I should add that I’m not encouraging you to rush into things, but I found it really helpful to talk through it all with friends who had been through the donor route before I started the process.

The main thing is it really feels as if you and he want completely different things from your lives, and they cannot work together. Do not let him manipulate you. Look after yourself.

[Howallergic]

Either way, end this relationship today before you're in jail when it's him you throw the next glass at, rather than the wall.
Babies are not everything. Get your life together first.
You're not in a relationship suitable for babies. I would question whether your state of mind is ready for the stress of a baby.

[incognitomum]

Laaalaaaa

If he smashed the glass not one of you would be glossing over it - fact.

Anyway, this is clearly not a relationship to be bringing a child into

This ^^

[zafferana]

He has been stringing you along pretending he wants kids so you don't end the relationship. Everything else is background noise and this bullshit about you being abusive is him panicking, because he's now been honest and knows it's over.

You need to end this relationship now OP. There is no going back and besides, he's now come clean - he doesn't want kids with you. So if you do want kids you have no time to lose. End this relationship now and stop wasting your time!

[NoGinNotComingIn]

I think you need to get him out your house and dump his arse. He doesn't want kids, he's wasting your time, don't waste anymore time or energy on him. To be honest it doesn't sound like a great relationship to bring a child into anyway, no doubt you'd break up further down the line anyway. It isn't too late to meet someone else, so don't feel like you are out of time, you aren't. I'm not sure I'd have a child without a dad personally, but that's always an option too.

My husband's aunty was in a similar situation she'd been with her partner for 16/17 years since being 18, they met at uni. Creeping into mid-30s it was clear her partner who she owned a house with and shared a happy life with was not going to budge on wanting a family. She really wanted children so left. Their relationship wasn't an unhappy one though, she literally left a happy relationship because of her desire for a family. She already worked with the man she eventually married (there was no overlap!), they went on a date and hit it off and things moved pretty quickly. They moved in together and had a child pretty quickly, married 2 years later. In a weird twist they are best friends with the ex partner and his new partner and their son (who is now 18) calls him uncle! She made the right decision but she really took a leap leaving as she had a great life and everyone loved her partner. She was 36 when she had her son, she felt like time was running out but she found someone on the same page. She's still very happily married 16 years on to a great bloke. I think the fact the man she married already had a child in some ways helped, they had the kids talk at the vv beginning and both were on the same page.

[Inpeace]

Concentrating on the actions and not the words or feelings - given you agreed to ttc

If you had both agreed to get a new house you’d be on Rightmove regularly so as not to miss any opportunities.

Or you might be the type of couple where one does all the researching and the other joins in for viewings - given you have the same goal

If one person does neither then there is no new house


On the subject of his feelings, hurtful words and deviating from goals - ttc when there feels like a
Time imperative is difficult it’s Possible he’s switching to bail out, maybe feeing like a failure as it’s not happened yet could lead to him self soothing by deciding he doesn’t want it anyway or it’s just not meant to be etc. Then you will leave him and it’s all your fault

Maybe he’s worried about the sperm test identifying a problem and that you would then leave him as he can’t give you your ultimate goal

I would say remind him of your commitment to him and that ‘project family’ is about building in your 6 years together as a team for the future and that your first and only choice is to do that with him (assuming it is)

Tell him how far you would go to achieve this with him (sperm and Or egg donar ivf surrogate)

Ask if he is happy to work towards creating this family together as he has always indicated - how far would he go? Sperm count, ivf, adoption, fostering ..... what?

Remind him that as a couple if he is committed to you and your joint family project he would respect your biological time line as it’s a feature of your ‘team’ - it is not your choice, you being a brat a control freak or an abuser!

Imagine he was right there with you charting and hitting that fertile window and the all interventions after what if none of that works and you still are without a child do you still want to be with him - he thinks not and he feel out of control of his own destiny.

So
If his sperm test result is poor what will you do - leave? Want to agree how to solve the problem together?

[athousandwords]

The fact that he has refused sperm tests makes me wonder if perhaps he already knows that HE can't give you children, but doesn't want you to leave for someone else?

Sounds like all he wants is a free house and a victim.
Get your house back and throw him out. And don't admit to throwing the glass in case he uses it against you.

[emma911030]

@SnowWhite1985 just come across this post.. hope your doing ok this morning! x

[wishing3]

You do not sound like an abuser at all, just a regular person at the end of their tether because their partner is a bellend. I totally get the worry about time for us I g a baby as I was the same. I decided that I was happy with adoption as an option if other routes didn’t work out in time, but then I met my lovely other half at 36 and am now pregnant at 38. No-one knows their future obviously, but you’ve still got time to make a new life for yourself with someone who treats you well, and to have kids with them. Xx

[Howallergic]

Posters, be careful what you're advising here. You're advising an obsessed woman, who has enough of a temper to throw a glass at a wall, has done enough for her partner to call her abusive, has felt guilty enough to move out of her own house - to go on, just have a baby!

[EugenesAxe]

I can’t believe you left when you own the house. Yes it’s definitely over and I would pursue having kids artificially if you do want them as your fertility could easily start dropping in the time it takes you to meet another man and get to the same point.

Sorry that his shitty floundering has brought you to this.

[Longwhiskers14]

It sounds like he lied to himself as much as you. He's never wanted kids with you but convinced himself he did because he missed you after your first split. I think the soonest you accept the relationship has run its course, the better. He's being selfish not being honest and wasting your time.

I have a slightly different view to PP about the smashed glass though. I think he was OTT to call you violent and abuser for doing it, but had it been the other way round and he'd thrown it, the MN massive would be calling him all sorts of names. Whether aimed at a person or aimed at a wall, throwing something in anger that dangerously smashes can be intimidating.

[QuentinWinters]

[QuentinWinters]

(That was for howallergic)

[modernmystery]

Oh OP, I have been EXACTLY in your position - the shifting of blame to me being obsessed, him not being enough for me, him really really not wanting to break up but me forcing his hand with my unreasonableness, me putting my desires over the relationship, him not being bound to a timeline and therefore being free to waste my time and then have kids with someone else in his 50’s, dangling the carrot of always wanting it ‘at some point in the future’, me being abusive for raising my voice once, I was so demanding if he gave me what I wanted what would I go and demand next etc etc. It was my house too and he was always too busy and young to give up his lifestyle.

The only saving grace was that I was late 20’s, not 30’s by the time I was 7.5 years in and could take any more. The dealbreaker discussion was marriage and the expectation of kids, not kids at that moment. The gaslighting made it hard to leave, the thing that really really made me do it was stories from people (and there are many) who had swallowed these lies and been strung along into their 30s and even 40s begging the man to pick them and increasingly getting more and more bitter.

It’s been 2 years. I can say that I am only just recovering from the depression and severe self-doubt it left me with. I can see clearly for the first time what a terrible terrible relationship it was (even though he was always outwardly ‘nice’ and ‘doting’ as he was always quick to point out when telling how crazy I was to leave over such a minor issue). I feel much better now. I have travelled, excelled in my career, I met a lovely man who wants the same things - brought it up himself - I could barely believe my luck at the time - that’s how low my standards had dropped.

Leave him. Do not look back. I wish you the best OP. It will feel devastating and like the end, but things will get much better from here, I promise.