Page 5 | Left for another woman

DBML · 21/08/2020 12:38

I’m so sorry this has happened to you op. It happens to a lot of people, you’re not on your own.

And if it’s any consolation, when my sisters LT partner ran off with another woman, not a single person felt that it was her embarrassment. We all felt that he was the selfish, nasty wanker and we didn’t rate the other woman too highly either. (My sister had a toddler with him).

At the moment he is living in a fantasy world, which may last a while. But no human is perfect and we all have our faults. This woman will have hers too. She might be slim and pretty, but she might spend too long preening over herself; or she might spend far too much money on beauty products; or she might have a god awful personality; perhaps when he wants a pizza after a night out, she’ll pick at it to retain her figure etc
One day your ex will experience what he perceives to be her faults and that’s when he’ll begin to compare her with you and what you had again. That’s when he’s likely to try to come back.

But when a man has shown himself to ‘chase whatever seems better at the time’, you learn who he really is and you know that he will always be tempted by the shiny and new. If you were to take him back he won’t have ‘learnt his lesson’ (this sort of person don’t learn lessons, they are far too entitled)....instead he’ll eventually do it again.

So you have to be strong now. He’s shown you who he is and you have to decide that you don’t like this person very much and resolve never to allow him back into your life.

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but the ow has done you a favour and as long as they stay together, she’s continuing to do you a favour.
One day he’ll do the same to her.

Right now the hardest thing is missing company and adapting to single life. But this can also be positive, if you can look at it that way. You can decorate how you want; you can keep the house as clean and tidy or as messy as you wish; you can cook when you want or order takeaway when you please; you can go out when you like as you have a new found freedom too.

The best revenge is to look happy. To be happy.
Make yourself one promise today...one first step...that you will not phone or text him again.

Sending

TheVanguardSix · 21/08/2020 12:49

Of course he is grieving too. He isn't entirely without a heart and your years together have had enormous meaning to him (yes, even if he's slammed the door shut and done the unimaginable, he is going to grieve and miss you). But don't interpret his grief for hope or love. Once they walk, they walk. Even if it doesn't work out with this woman, he's thrown a molotov cocktail into the heart your marriage and the damage is done. You don't come back from that as a couple. Be strong and weather this storm. This other woman is a symptom that your marriage wasn't rock solid. You're 30. My ex-husband walked out on me and our 6 month old baby when I was 30. I thought I'd never recover. Not only did I recover but I came through a much, much, much stronger person. A happier person! It took time and a lot of tears but then, literally, it was like hot summer sun beaming down after a long winter's rain. That sounds so corny, but to this day, I remember the moment when I knew I'd healed. It was a real, crystal clear moment. And it was glorious. I struggled. I was a single mother working too many hours and I was skint at the end of each month, but it was my life, my son's life, and I could invest hope in anything, the day could have brought any gift and I was happy because my ex couldn't shit on any of it anymore. I didn't have to live with the uncertainty of where I stood with him. Did he love me? Did he not? It didn't matter anymore. My life became my own and that was a wonderful feeling.

Don't be afraid to go through the pain and trauma to get to where you deserve to be. He's an obstacle on your path. You deserve a loving marriage with someone who will absolutely respect you as an individual and cherish/preserve/protect your union. Your current husband is not that guy. Release him to the wind. You don't need his stale crumbs.

Herja · 21/08/2020 12:53

He pretended to be your best friend OP. At least for the latter stages. You are lonely and scared now, but it will not be forever; really for a very short time in the story of your life.

You're pretty much exactly the same age as me. I promise you that our best years are not over. My 20s had large patches of misery splattered over them - my 30s will not be the same, and nor will yours. You are in control now, even if it doesnt feel like it. And when it hits you, the feeling of power is amazing. You are the only person who's feelings and opinions matter suddenly. You can do anything you want to, just on your whim.

Please eat. Don't punish yourself. You are comparing yourself to someone you are far better than. Be kind to yourself; indulge yourself; love yourself. When every other person is an utter wanker, this is the time to be the kindest to yourself you can be. Eat and exercise, try to sleep at the right times, treat yourself as you would someone else in this situation.

You will get through this and it will make you a stronger, more compassionate person.

footprintsintheslow · 21/08/2020 13:27

Can you fill your weekend to keep you busy?

SJK34 · 21/08/2020 15:47

Just wanted to send you hugs. I was where you were, felt blindsided and turned 30 during the divorce. I knew he didn’t deserve my love but he had it anyway and that was really tough for a while. Also losing that companionship. It’s the little things, like reading something interesting and realizing you have no one to share it with. And then being mad at yourself for missing him!

I remember conversations where I told a friend that I knew I’d get past it one day, I just wanted to fast forward to that part. Where I didn’t care about him anymore. Another conversation with a very earnest friend where she told me about other friends who found happiness after divorce, and how maybe I’d find someone else and have a family one day.

It feels miles away when you’re turning thirty, getting divorced, and don’t even want anyone else.

Several years on and I’ve remarried and we have a baby together. My life is nothing like what I had imagined it would be. It’s strange to remember those conversations how far I’ve come.

I’m not saying my divorce was a good thing. It was an ugly, heartbreaking, soul-destroying thing. I never would have wished for my marriage to end. But it did, and I didn’t have control over that. And actually looking back, I learned to have a lot of fun in between.

You’ll be okay, even happy, one day too. But I’d like to send you hugs (and perhaps ) until you get there!

Original poster

user1469989812 · 21/08/2020 23:34

Thanks all for your replies, I know deep down I couldn't forgive him. I also know he doesn't want to come back he's moved on and I just need to accept that as painful as it is.
Feeling a little better this evening, haven't cried as much and cooked myself a nice meal with some wine . I still miss him terribly but I expect I will for a long time. He's a stranger now though, he's not the man I was in love with.

OP posts:

firecracker69 · 22/08/2020 10:43

I'm glad you've started to feel a little brighter. ❤️

footprintsintheslow · 22/08/2020 10:56

Have you got plans for the weekend OP?

GurlwiththeCurl · 22/08/2020 11:06

I had a similar thing happen to me at the same age. I was totally devastated too but went on a self improvement kick: dyed my hair, went to the gym and worked on my body, took up some new activities and threw myself into my job. My friends helped too.

After about 18 months, I found myself fancying a bloke at work and got up enough courage to ask him out. We have now been married for over 30 years. My original DP has never married and has gone from one relationship to another, never settling down.

So, keep your chin up, have a good cry when you need to. Something good is just around the corner, I am sure.

ScarletMouse · 22/08/2020 11:39

@TheVanguardSix beautifully said, your strength shines through your words!

@user1469989812 I would love you to come back to this thread in a couple of years to update us with your own journey.

Original poster

user1469989812 · 22/08/2020 19:29

Thank you for sharing all your stories it really is helping me through. I haven't done anything all weekend and today I'm pretty low again but I know I will get there. I've never been on my own before so it's a huge adjustment but I'm trying to push through the sadness and starting to see our relationship wasn't as perfect as I had in my head. Have been doing better with no contact although right now I'm forcing myself not to text him telling him what a twat he is and how much I hate him. @scarletmouse I really am looking forward to that day just wish I could fast forward all the ugly parts.

OP posts:

footprintsintheslow · 22/08/2020 20:51

I'm glad the anger is starting to emerge. Sounds like progress to me!!!

Original poster

user1469989812 · 22/08/2020 21:02

@footprintsintheslow yes I do feel like I'm making a little progress now. I've accepted he's not coming back, I'm still hurting a lot but feel very angry now. If he hadn't been caught he wouldn't have even told me about her, he's admitted that. He's not a good person and I've made excuses for him for years but now my eyes are opening to the kind of person he really was.

OP posts:

footprintsintheslow · 22/08/2020 22:17

Come on then give us a list of his bad points. The sly bastard that he is!

Original poster

user1469989812 · 22/08/2020 22:50

@footprintsintheslow he's a compulsive liar, he's incredibly selfish, doesn't do anything around the house, never cared about anything but himself. Even when my dad passed away or my nan was in hospital, he never asked how I was. He put me down constantly, would never make any effort to do anything together so we were just always at home on the sofa while he was on his phone. Despite all of this I still adore him. There's still lots of things I do love about him but I'm realizing I'm better off without him as much as I still want him.

OP posts:

Finkelbraun · 22/08/2020 23:08

OP, I haven't RTFT, but I just wanted to ask you to go easy on yourself. These are the very, very early days and things will feel so much better even a month from now, never mind a year from now. Be kind to yourself and let time pass.

When I read your first post I thought:

She's only 29

She doesn't have kids with this loser

She's got rid of a selfish, cheating twat

You are actually in a much better position than you were before. But it always takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head.

Original poster

user1469989812 · 22/08/2020 23:32

@finkelbraun thank you. I know I'm actually very lucky in a lot of ways, just hard to see it right now. I'm finding it difficult knowing he's with someone else already while I'm alone and hurting. Doesn't seem fair. But I will be happy again and this has been a huge eye opener for me that I must be more independent. Just wish I could speed up the process.

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 22/08/2020 23:37

@user1469989812

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

How can she possibly be better than you. She has been complicit in this and the pair of them are hurting you.

They have done you a big favour here. I am not in your position, but having left you for another woman would be the reason not to let him ever come back.

Iloveme30 · 23/08/2020 01:31

Karma is a wonderful process. The wheel always turns . Let them to it you've dodged a bullet .

EKGEMS · 23/08/2020 02:14

Too damn bad he packed up all his clothing it would serve him right to find all his trousers with the crotches cut out! Best wishes OP he's a jackass

Original poster

user1469989812 · 23/08/2020 03:29

Good point @anordinarymum I could never put another person through this. I do hope karma catches up with them. @ekgems it was very tempting to mess with his stuff. He's still logged into our joint Google account, I've only just noticed and he's been looking up how to book an STI test on Friday so chances are he's been shagging about alot longer. Have signed out of that now so I can't torture myself looking up what he's doing.

OP posts:

firecracker69 · 23/08/2020 09:06

Don't even consider for one moment that the other women is better than you. How could that even be possible? Would you sneak around behind someone's back? Would you cheat? Do you have a distinct lack of morals? You are the better person. There is honestly no excuse for cheating. I've had some very challenging relationships, never once did I consider cheating.

I've been cheated on more than once.

The first time literally floored me. Like you, I thought she was better than me in some way and it didn't help that she was much younger. I blamed myself and was consumed by jealousy. In reality, she was very vulnerable and my ex played on this! It went tits up very quickly.

The second time, she was extremely vulnerable. Fragile in fact. That also went tits up within days. I didn't blame myself in any way.

The last time, which I've only just discovered, she was also very vulnerable. I felt no jealousy at all, just empathy as I knew what an abusive arsehole she was dealing with. I spoke to her - after he attempted to lure me back in under false pretences - she didn't know about my existence. She dumped him and thanked me profusely for telling her the truth. This is still deeply affecting me as I truly loved him.

As you can see, these relationships rarely last. It's extremely bad luck on my part that this has happened three times but I know I need to work on myself. I have taken a step back and really started to reflect on my poor choices.

I ignored a multitude of red flags and didn't listen to my gut instinct. I gave too many chances too. Because of previous abuse I think trauma bonding played a huge part in my choices. I too was vulnerable (yet seemingly strong and confident on the outside) and many men prey on this. It's very difficult to comprehend how some people can be so dishonest, as a very honest person. It simply makes no sense to me and I don't think it ever will.

Women like us learn life long lessons from heart break. We go on to become stronger and more self assured. Men like the specimens we've encountered don't, they go on to make the same mistakes through their entire life. ❤️

Fefifofaff · 23/08/2020 09:20

If he's signed up for an STD test then you should too. Sorry 💐

Yankathebear · 23/08/2020 09:22

Look at it as grieving. You have to go through different stages.

I remember posting on here in tears because I couldn’t open a jar and couldn’t give it to Dh to do. It was so silly but I was completely broken.

Now ten years later and married again I’m fiercely independent and proud of myself for even the smallest of things, like opening jars! I’ve completely changed as a person and I finally know who I am!

You’ve got this.

SuperbMonkey · 23/08/2020 09:45

@user1469989812, I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. In addition to your own thread you will find additional support here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3959100-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group-Part-5

We are a group of women, with and without DC, long marriages, who find themselves in the same situation as you. We share our thoughts, challenges (there are quite a few!), rants, lots of laughs, and lots of advice. If you want to, have a look and see how you feel about reading along, or posting if you want to.

An encouragement. I’m 60, no kids, nearly a year in (this week). Family lives nowhere near. I wasn’t working when he dropped the bombshell which blindsided me. I later found that he had been having a long-distance EA, then physical affair with an ex from 28 years ago. She was his ‘one who got away, sliding doors woman’. After 26 years together (18 married), I was thrown away so cruelly, with a character assassination, that I was suicidal. I reached out to every single bit of help, every free meditation, NHS mental health course, Women’s Aid (who were great), the Freedom Programme (also great), friends, neighbours, lawyers, Relate, GP, to heal me. An affair was always a deal breaker for me. Ex did not have the guts to admit it (I found emails on the home computer) and still hasn’t. I started divorce proceedings after I had recovered enough (6 months in). I’m now working on the finances. Mediation failed (he said barely anything and, weeks later, has not responded to my proposal. He is now on a deadline.

The good news is that I have obtained 2 well-paid jobs (now working 6 days a week which is fine) this year plus high-profile voluntary roles. I earn more than I did when I was with him. And I can do what I like. The freedom is amazing. I have more money, am super-healthy and mostly happy. Of course I’m lonely. It’s impossible to leave a long relationship and not be lonely. However I miss the man he was or the man he pretended to be. I don’t miss the reality of him.

Keep you chin up and believe that it will be ok. I am elderly in age, young in spirit living proof!