Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

Please dont take him back. I'm sure he'll try to make a return but you must not. I think that is the key thing. Look after yourself and look forward to all the good things in your future.

@badoukas I don't think he will he seems perfectly happy with his decision and is off out with her tonight

How is he responding when you contact him and get upset?

My ex husband cheated on me with a much younger woman. My sixth sense kicked in immediately and I outrightly asked him. He denied it. He convinced all my closest friends I was jealous, crazy etc. They took his side!

Shortly after it all came out. He'd had her in my house. My bed. He admitted it. He blamed me. Said I nagged all the time. He wasn't happy. First I'd heard of it! The same old shite that they seem to be programmed with. Because my self esteem was very low at this point, I actually believed it was my fault.

I stupidly thought I could stay with him. This gave him permission to continue to be deceptive. I'd excused his cheating by staying with him. Should've kicked him out there and then! He continued to sneak around and be evasive. Then he told me he loved her! I told him to get out!

I was truly and utterly heartbroken. I wanted to die. I lost so much weight. Took time off work. It made me ill. But heartbreak is a grieving process and it takes time. Bit by bit I grew stronger started to really enjoy the single life.

All the while, he was with this new young women, who was very vulnerable, having recently split from her fiancé, due to be married. I knew it wouldn't last. It didn't. It lasted all of a few measly weeks.

He came crawling back to me for sympathy and had the fucking nerve to tell me "now I know how you feel!" Really? Eight years of my life can not compare to a few months of him dipping his married wick into a random colleague. I recall patting his head, like a dog and gloating to myself.

I made the horrible mistake of thinking we'd get back together and live happily ever after. We met a few times. The inevitable sex happened. This is when I felt utter disgust. The sex was different. He was tainted. He'd been elsewhere. He'd betrayed me in the worst way possible then lied to me and my friends. Blamed me. Manipulated everyone!

Suddenly, reality hit home. Our marriage vows had been fucked away, like they meant nothing. He only wanted me because she dumped him. I wasn't prepared to be anyone's second choice.

He harassed me for three years. Manipulation, emotional abuse, twisting my mind and breaking my heart all over again. He couldn't deal with how everyone looked at him. He'd lost their respect. He'd certainly lost my respect. I still loved him but one ever the trust and respect goes, it's over.

I reported him for harassment. He was not allowed to speak to me or come anywhere near me or my family. He went on to have another affair. Broke up another marriage. He's still with her. Two cheaters together. Karma at its very finest. But even when he was first with her, he still tested the water with me. Not thank you. I deserve far better than a such trashy, sleazy excuse for a man.

IMO cheating is more than just a mistake. The trust has gone. It's over. Who wants a man who's dipped his wick elsewhere?

@sacredspace just says he's sorry and that he loves and cares for me and I'll be ok soon but seems quite emotionless and cold. He says that's in my head though.

@firecracker69 wow that's absolutely awful. It sounds like the experience made you far stronger and I can't wait to get to where you are now.

@user1469989812 he doesn’t want to confront the pain he’s caused you that’s why he appears cold and emotionless. Honestly, he is unable to offer you the comfort you need at the moment. Get it elsewhere and do not torture yourself by contacting him as you will feel worse xx

It was awful. The worst time of my life. However, I'm so glad it happened now. Honestly. I've got to know myself inside out. Looking back, I really didn't know myself at all then, which is why I married such an arrogant, narcissistic prick. I didn't even know what narcissism meant. I've learned so much about myself, love and self care. I've been heartbroken since but that's a whole new story....

If I could advise one thing that will help it would be for you to cut contact with him as soon as you can. It's only then that you will get your head around everything and gain the inner strength you need to pick up the pieces of his betrayal. Whilst you're still talking to him you're stuck, confused and I suppose hoping you can sort things out. The reality is, the trust has gone.

I know how difficult it is to cut contact. That was my downfall. It took a bereavement in my family for me to see sense. He told me the same things I'm sure your ex is telling you. "I love you. I miss you. I'm so sorry. I think of you all the time . When I'm with her I think I should be with you." Manipulative Bullshit! If they truly loved us, it wouldn't enter their heads to have sex with someone else.

Thank you, I know you're both right cutting contact is the only way. I'm actually quite proud of myself as in the past I would have used alcohol as a crutch to get through but I haven't. I've also surprised myself that I haven't sent her any messages other than the first few where I asked what was going on. I really do want to maintain some sort of dignity. No @firecracker69 he doesn't say those things to me really. He does say he misses me and he's finding it difficult as lots of things remind me of him, says he loves me but is not in love with me. Still can't shake the feeling I'm being kept as a backup plan which makes me feel so rubbish.

The other way to look at it is, if he thinks you are the safe little back up plan for when things go wrong, what a shock he'll get when you tell him to fuck the fuck off!!!'

I would love that @footprintsintheslow but I really doubt he's going to regret his decision.

I never post but couldn't not reply to this as I can totally relate. My partner left me a number of years ago for another woman and it was a total shock. I was in such a dark place and developed body dysmorphic disorder which consumed me for around a year, so the impact was so significant. My advice would be give yourself time to grieve, access counselling to process the break up and get to the gym! Do some classes and make new friends/make more effort with existing friends.

Like others have said it WILL get better. I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have toLd me that seven years ago, but it will work out for you. The sooner you accept he's a twat and not right for you then you can move on and meet a real man whose right for you and whose meant to be your future baby's daddy and start enjoying life again xxx

Thank you for sharing @slc352. I actually haven't eaten for 2 weeks because I have no appetite but also because she's slimmer than me and I keep comparing myself.

I wish I could realize that he is a total twat and a horrible person but I just keep thinking of the good times. Just taken my bin out myself for the first time, that was always his job. Knowing all the neighbors know is really embarrassing me too, I wish I could escape this feeling that I have something to be ashamed of.

I know in time I will feel ready to meet someone else but at present I can't imagine allowing myself to be hurt like this again.

Putting the bins out was a reality check for me too!

Don't expect too much too soon. Time will heal.

Of course you must take as much time as you need. He's left you feeling not good enough so understandably you'll feel rubbish about yourself for a while, which is why it's helpful to process the break up in a way that helps you realise you did nothing wrong and therefore have nothing to feel ashamed of. Time is a great healer x

When I was 30 my partner got someone else pregnant. He wasn't planning to tell me because he was hoping she would miscarry. She didn't, so I found out just before they were going to the first scan together.
He wanted to stay with me and said it didn't mean anything. I told him to fuck off, then spent six weeks doing weird shit like asking him to propose, which fortunately he realised was just grief. Anyway, he did me a massive favour, I met a great guy a few years later and we have a lovely marriage.
Don't even consider taking him back, he's a toxic loser and will destroy your life.

@Tootletum I begged for a proposal too. I cringe now and would hate to be married to such a pig

@footprintsintheslow I know, it's so massively cringe!! I was so in love with a moron. I like that I can now just be happy about some of the fun stuff we did together though. Also, he struggles a bit in life, probably helps me feel quite cool about it.

I’ve had counselling for stuff in the past and one thing that helped me was viewing myself in the third person. So looking at myself from the outside, almost like a little sister I need to take care of. That enabled me to put myself first and to take actions that were difficult. When I thought about myself as someone I loved who had been hurt, I found I felt quite protective and I got angry at people who had hurt “her”/me.

Sounds a bit mad I know, and I’m not explaining it very well. But if you really commit to the concept, it’s actually very powerful and healing.

Thank you @exhaustedflamingo I'll try anything at this point.

Today I woke up feeling a bit better but the thought of this whole weekend on my own is really getting me down. I feel incredibly alone. He was my best friend

I also spent ages trying to be 'a friend' to someone who'd left me. I so desperately wanted to keep myself forefront and centre of his thinking that I promised to be there to help him find new housing, to go out with 'as a friend' so he wouldn't be lonely...

What was I thinking? It only got better when he wanted me to help him write his dating profile and I woke up and blocked him on everything. Only when I no longer obsessed over where he was, where he was going, who he was seeing, did the awful feelings start to abate.

Cut all contact, block block block. Honestly, It feels dreadful ('what if he needs me?') but he's made his bed. You need to think of you now.

Try not to compare yourself with her, you are a kind loving strong woman. You wouldn't start a relationship with someone who lived with his partner like she did. She knew about you and didn't care so don't waste any energy worrying about her or follow her on social media. Who cares what she looks like, its inside that counts.
He is not your best friend, best friends don't deliberately hurt each other.
It hurts now but you will look back and realise he really isn't worth all the pain.

NRTFT
@user1469989812, you do want him back, but that person doesn't exist.
He might have existed once, he might not.
He's probably been lying to you for weeks, months, years - who knows.

It's not what you want to hear. It will hurt like you have been punched in the stomach, and your head will be all over the place.

Been there (but I got my user name from what happened when I found out)

I wrote down what happened to me as if I was writing a letter to his mum or sister, or his friend. I didn't send it and I still have it. It helps put into perspective just what a liar and cheat he was.

Use the heartbreak thread on here to vent, it helped me enormously, because it was anonymous and I didn't feel judged.

Get through each day by getting through each few minutes. Try to eat healthily. Cry if you need to.

A huge hug to you OP.

Oh I am so sorry. I know you do not feel it but you are still young and you will recover from this. You need to be kind to yourself and gradually get involved in things. Do not have anything more to do with him. If he had any respect for you he would have ended things before he even considered this other woman. I wouldn't be surprised if he decides in a bit to come back

Writing it all down is very therapeutic. You will look book and see how far you've come. Really does help.