Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

Like the old wise saying goes , if he does it with you , he’ll do it to you .
Basically that means that it’s highly likely that it won’t be long till he’s cheating on her , or she’s cheating on him , since as she knew about you but carried on anyway , she obviously has no moral compass either . He was trying for a baby with you days before , so there is no way you could have known he wasn’t happy ,even if that was the case . Two options here 1) he wasn’t happy but was too cowardly and immature to speak to you about it 2) he just saw something newer and shinier that he fancied pursuing ( this is far more likely ). This had nothing to do with you at all .
Leave them to it , they sound like they deserve each other .
You said you felt like you had let yourself go , do some things to make yourself feel better (this is not a criticism, my reasons for saying this follow shortly ) . Start eating healthier , do some home work outs , do things you enjoy doing . Work On yourself till you feel like you are the best version of you that you can be . Feeling good about yourself will be your best revenge , it really really will I promise you ,and will enable you to start thinking about the future , and getting out there , hopefully meeting someone lovely who DOES deserve you

Oh OP I understand the shock and how upset you are. You need to look after yourself so you can think clearly. It’s okay to cry, but now is the time to eat properly and pamper yourself. You’re only 29 so you’re still young. She sounds very immature (your ex too) and I doubt this will last.

Also - it does hurt horribly - I felt my world had ended, I did want him back but thankfully he was firm because I'm sure that would have messed me up more in the long-term.

But your feelings are valid. As I say, I don't forget how it felt and what he did. It just gets less important with time. I thank god we didn't have kids so I didn't have to maintain contact with him.

Have you tried any apps to help you sleep? I can recommend the headspace and calm apps, both have a couple of sleep stories that are free. Be careful of herbal tablets, I tried calms and while they did help me sleep the effects carried on into the daytime and I had to stop taking them. That's not to say don't try them, just be mindful of what your body is telling you.

Try and set yourself some small goals today. I think eating should be on the top of your list as even if you don't feel like it you will feel better if you do. Just something small, maybe a piece of toast to start you off? If you haven't eaten anything for several days I would be wary of suddenly eating a large meal as this may make you unwell. Exercise on Youtube is a great idea, you could start with some stretching videos, nothing too taxing as you'll be lacking strength and energy at the moment due to not eating.

This may seem like a big mountain at the moment but with small steps it will start to seem more doable. If you start to have thoughts about wanting him back, remember - he was happy to disappear and let you think that something awful had happened to him. Can you imagine doing that to him? No? That's because you're a better person. You deserve better and today is the start of journey towards getting that.

Sending hugs and support op xx

Uggggh. He is showing you his true colours. This happened to me in my 20's too, and I thought it was the end of the world (not exaggerating). I was an utter mess. Two years later I married a wonderful man, and we have been married for 18 years, still happily and have 4DC.

What you are going through is rough, and will continue to be for a while.

But he is a twat. And you deserve better.

Big hugs

What a complete bastard but better to find out now.
For what it's worth my 30's turned out to be the best. Even though I started them single and lonely and having been cheated on, my esteem was rock bottom.

You haven't embarrassed yourself at all. You have behaved exactly how is natural. I stayed with my cheating partner and looking back that's what I regret as that really showed how desperate I was.

I imagine you will start to feel anger at some point which will help you move on. It's a process.

As for Netflix 'Dear John' has two good series and they are about bastard men. In the second series the bastard gets shot (that isn't a spoiler, its in episode 1). I'm not advocating you shoot your ex but it might be something to watch.

‘ jellybeansincognito yes I know you're right but he's somehow managed to make me doubt myself. I was faithful to him and I treated him with care and respect. I deserved the same in return. I can't even imagine myself with anyone else at the moment, this all still feels so wrong’

Your feelings are completely valid op. I’m so sorry you’ve been destroyed by him.
Its nothing you have done, he just doesn’t clearly respect anyone. You do deserve respect and loyalty, I’m sure you’ll find someone who will give you that and more.
You’ll look back on his single ass one day and wonder why you cared. Honestly, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last.
Take care xx

Daily checklist to aim for:

✔️Eat
✔️Short walk even if it's just 5 minutes round the block.
✔️Contact friends/family
✔️A little treat: whatever you enjoy: cake, reading in the bath, cooking, a pamper treatment
✔️post on mumsnet

And definitely try going back to work. It will help add some normality.

Lastly I didn't acknowledge your miscarriage sorry. Remember you are never alone on mumsnet as you've seen it's great for advice and support. Try and access the counselling as it can address so many things for you.

Also yes. When is your period due op? Are you worried you could be pregnant?

At 29 you have not wasted your best years on him.

You are at a low. Have some breakfast, a shower and show him you are better than him.

He wasn't the one for you. He wasn't strong enough to deal with a miscarriage and support his partner going through it. He wasn't strong enough or able enough to tell you he was struggling with your relationship. He wasn't honest, he was sneaky and looked for an alternative option before leaving you. He still isn't being honest.

You are therefore better than him. You have been honest on here and understand where it went wrong. Use that knowledge and work on yourself. Get better, get stronger and move on with your head held high.

Best wishes.

Op the grass is never greener on the other side . That's what men seem to think . When I suffered with depression and I still do now mind . But at my worst i do think back sometimes and can see how the way I was kind of put a stain on our relationship. He was obviously happy in work then coming home to mopey me . He did used to tell me he struggled with my moods . I'm a lot better now but still have my down days I just get in with it now . Think Iv just got used to it lol . My ex left me after 9 years together . He didn't come home one night . I was up worried sick . I was at this point sitting on the stairs waiting debating what to do next at 6.30 am and in he comes . Pissed . But the moment I looked at him it was such an odd feeling I just knew he had cheated on me . I didn't have depression until after this relationship. I had to practically throw him out because he wouldn't go . He admitted he had cheated on me that night . I liked you was such a mess . A few days later I couldn't cope anymore . I text him and said for him to come back . And guess what ! He didn't want too ! After days of begging me ! I was devastated. I myself made a complete tit of myself . Texting phoning crying my eyes out . Our daughter was only 2 at the time . I was so pissed off that he had done this to her too . 6 months down the line I was still so sad but kind of getting there . Tried having a date but I always remember when he went to kiss me at the end of it I totally freaked out . In my head may I add ha ha . The thought of being with somone else killed me . I rushed home and bawled my eyes out all night . Realised that I just really wanted my ex back . I phoned him that night at 2.30 but he wouldn't come to see me . I thought I had no choice but to try and move on. I sold the house . Moved in to another one . One day when I was decorating he comes down to get our daughter . That was that he left . An hour later he comes back down and said he was going to help me . When we were together it was just like before . We ended up sleeping together 😴 and he stayed the night . He had taken out daughter to his parents house may I add ha ha . But that night I had mixed emotions. He was sleeping on the sofa and I remember standing there looking at him and thinking what the hell have I done ! All them months of heart ache and when I'm finally getting so where here he is and we are back to square one . A week later we were in bed asleep and it was early hours . I here his phone constantly going off . I get up and look . I had a feeling something was going on . It was the girl he had left me for . Asking where he was ! And that ..... and this always makes me cringe . I'm horney 🤢 . He hadn't even told her we were back ! I woke him up and asked him why was going on . He said she wouldn't leave him alone but I didn't believe him really . But we stayed together . Another 6 years later . In all the time we were back I found out that he had constantly cheated on me . He was never happy . His friend told me all this when we finished for food . Again he was cheating with a girl from work . Now this time he was doing all the begging and crying turning up on my door step stupid hours of the morning curled up in a ball saying he was going to kill him self . I meet my current partner a year later . Still with him ten years later 😊. He made his life hell . Tried attacking him the lot . One night he bumped in to him and said to him do me one favour and don't ever hurt her like I did . I guess at that point he realised that it was over . Morale of the story is . When a man acts the way yours is . Don't ever lose a nights sleep over it . I learnt the hard way . He will come crawling back . But it will never ever be the same again . And you'll be constantly worrying if he's going to do it again . Am I not good enough ect ect . It's nothing to do with you at all . It's him ❤️ xxx

Also I forgot to add. One , the people who always seem like they are happy and have amazing lives on Facebook are in fact the least happiest and two , she's probably doing it because she knows your looking or wants everything to get back to you . Do exactly the same . As soon as he thinks your over it and actually getting on with your life that's when he will start having doubts and come running back but honestly my advice is don't ever go back there . He made his bed let him lay in it . Once the excitement goes thats when they will finish . Everything new is exciting but how long for ? Xxx

Could you go back and stay with your mum for a few weeks? Give yourself a break and be with people who love you?

Oh OP - stay strong - all the heartbreak as come to surface of when it happened to be.
It does get better ❤️❤️❤️❤️

You are only 30 OP, your best years are ahead of you waiting alongside your perfect partner. I know you are hurting but stop checking their Social Media pages, it's all fake blagging it to make you jealous because they both know you will be checking. Leave him too it, block him and look forward to a future which will bring you the love and happiness you deserve.

Would sorting somevpractical things help? Get his name off council tax for instance. Will you be ok financially? It will get better. I used to sob listening to sad songs.....but it does pass.

@footprintsintheslow

What a complete bastard but better to find out now. For what it's worth my 30's turned out to be the best. Even though I started them single and lonely and having been cheated on, my esteem was rock bottom.

You haven't embarrassed yourself at all. You have behaved exactly how is natural. I stayed with my cheating partner and looking back that's what I regret as that really showed how desperate I was.

I imagine you will start to feel anger at some point which will help you move on. It's a process.

As for Netflix 'Dear John' has two good series and they are about bastard men. In the second series the bastard gets shot (that isn't a spoiler, its in episode 1). I'm not advocating you shoot your ex but it might be something to watch.

This made me laugh about your not saying she would shoot her ex . Made my morning 😂😂😂. Dear John is awesome !!!! Definitely give it a watch . Xxx

She is not better than you. She has low standards in men going out with a man who literally goes on dates while he's in a relationship.

Xx

I was also pregnant when he done what he was doing . It was a Xmas time that he stayed out and cheated . The day before we were painting the nursery and all excited for another baby xxx

Ah bless you. Heartbreak is painful but the majority of us go through it.

It takes time but you will be fine. Plus 30 is still young.

One day you will look back and realise whilst you did love him at the time, your so much better off without him.

Best advice: stay away from her social media, do not look!!

Oh honey, a month before yr 30th? The same happened to me. Spend the next year building yrslf back up. Really work at it. I only worked on my appearance. I was thin, tanned, blonde, but i hadnt worked on my SELF so my next relationship was bad because i went in to it feeling worthless.

This will pass. Take care of yourself. Watch youtube videos for people suffering from heartbreak! It helps

You poor thing, such a horrible feeling. I hope you get through it quickly, block and try not to make sense of it or hang on to the idea of a reconciliation. Keep busy. Your best years are definitely ahead.

When i was heartbroken i found crime novels all i vould tolerate. Any suggestion of romance in a book/film/play made me sick.

Block her. If she feels any guilt she will block you, so do it first.