Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

OP, so sorry you're going through this awful time.

A friend of mine had this happen, 29, wedding all planned and so devoted to trying to make the relationship work, she was willing to look past all of the issues and the warning signs, him texting other women, gaslighting her etc. She's nearly 18months on from it now and I promise you, doing so much better and able to see the bullet she ultimately dodged.

This slug of a man did not deserve you. You're going to be in turmoil for a while, no doubt OP, it's going to be the shittiest rollercoaster of emotions for you but that's the grieving process. All you can do right now is care for yourself as much as you can, do what you need to do to stop your mind running back to those unhelpful thoughts. Weather this storm as best you can until some more time has passed and I promise you will start to feel better.

Build up yoir resilience, you will need it, because I have no doubt the slug will come knocking again before long when he realises the grass isn't greener/silly girl bores of him (as happened with my friend more than once!) He is no longer worthy of your time OP, he blew his chance and will have to live with that.

Block them on social media, lean on your supports, mum and friends, cry when you need to, scream into a pillow when you need to, let yourself feel what you need and don't apologise for it. You'll learn a lot about yourself through this process and will come out the other side stronger.

This happened to me it was such a shock - but you need to take each day as it comes. Eat a little, fruit, yogurts, smoothies to keep up your strength. Phone the counselling helpline provided by your employer. Exercise. Dont look at social media i know its tempting but makes for more pain. Let your friends help. It will pass, take it slow and above all be kind to yourself.

You’ll want to grieve for a few weeks, listen to music and watch films, have a good cry and get it out your system. Take him off bills and sort the financial side, block everything to do with them on social media, you don’t need to see it. Then you’ll be moving on to the angry stage and you’ll realise what a tosser he is and that he never deserved you. You’re still in shock but just take each day as it comes, you cannot see it now but time heals. Being single gives you the opportunity to be selfish so enjoy it! You need the utter bastard boyfriend from your 20’s to appreciate the good guy you end up marrying. When you hit the anger stage try to channel your new energy into exercise you enjoy and spend some time making yourself feel good. When I broke up with my ex I just deleted him from my life and pretended he’d died. I just grieved for a few months and then moved on, probably a bit drastic but it worked for me!

OP, you're in shock. Be kind to yourself, go and buy that cake and enjoy it. I would also recommend that you join the gym and maybe book a few sessions with a personal trainer. Do not block up that negative energy, go and work it out.

You will be OK. No matter how hard it rain, it will stop eventually. Concentrate on yourself and stop thinking of them.

@LirBan

When i was heartbroken i found crime novels all i vould tolerate. Any suggestion of romance in a book/film/play made me sick.

Oh gosh, this was me too. I also watched all the action films I could get. I also couldnt listen to much music and had to go and hunt down strong songs as that was all I could cope with. I hope you find peace for yourself soon x

So sorry you're going through this op, keep posting on here of it helps.

I remember the blind panic of not knowing about my future and him gone, it's awful.

Try and eat, even if it's a small yogurt - that's all I could stomach.

I also couldn't listen to the radio or watch anything with a sexual or romantic element, crime is your friend (not literally of course)

I'm sorry OP. Lots of us have been through it. It literally makes you ill. But - and this is a huge but- don't go back. When they crawl back all the old issues are still there. All that happens is that you keep re-living the pain over and over again in ever shortening cycles.

Get support here and from your friends. Focus on you. Lots of us don't even meet our future DHs till our thirties or even forties. You have everything ahead of you ❤

And yes as others said be careful of what you watch and listen to music wise. Especially avoid music you associate with him.

In a few months, he'll probably beg to come back. Don't let him wear you down. He will only do it again.
Sorry OP but I agree with this.

Please do everything you can to get yourself mentally strong a) to live your life for yourself the best you can but also b) in case he tries to persuade you to let him come back when it doesn't work with Miss Thing. 🌹

Make sure you eat.
Let your friends and family console you.
Let yourself cry. A lot. If you have the funds see a therapist (on own not w him).

Then go and enjoy the best decade of your life! V similar happened to me aged 29. It hurt. I grieved. But i also grew up, learnt what I was really seeking in a relationship, had lots of fun and basically moved on.

Get excited about new plans. I promise you will be ok.

I'm sorry that he has done this to you, OP. It's a cowardly thing to do.

I hated my 20's with a passion. I wasn't comfortable with who I was and I hadn't found my voice. I had MH issues. My 30's came, it was a relief and it was the best. I got better, I got married, I had a child, I did everything I wanted to do and I became comfortable in my own skin. So don't give up. It will get better.

So sorry OP 💐

Think of it this way, this ‘lovely’ young model will either A; cheat with another man in a relationship
B; get comfortable (as we all do) and let her self go C; become the other woman.
Him on the other hand has left a woman he was with for 10 years of his life after meeting someone he fancies after 2 weeks. Honestly they won’t last, and if they do they’ll more than likely be cheating on each other. You’re 30 and have your whole life ahead of you. You have no ties to him now so get on with your life and make it bloody brilliant! I guarantee when he sees you doing better he’ll be all over you again.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I know how hard it is.
To echo a PP you haven’t wasted your best years. I was with someone for 12 years throughout my 20’s. I’m now engaged to my wonderful DP at 33 and have never been happier, much more so than I was in my 20’s. You’ll learn from this relationship, in time you will probably realise it wasn’t as good as you thought and you’ll know exactly what you want in a future partner. It’s incredibly rare for people to get together before they’re 20 and last a lifetime together. They usually grow apart. You don’t want to be with someone who is trying for a baby with you and a few days later, with another woman. That’s not the sign of a good partner,

So he's wheeled out 'the script' - how he hadn't been happy for a long time (despite the fact that he was quite happy to ttc with you!) blah blah, they all spout this when a new shiny comes along.

You will be fine. It will take time, quite a while I'm afraid, but you will feel better. For now, warm drinks, suck a lolly or eat yoghurt, something easy to get down you. And, when it happened to me, I watched Come Dine with Me to an insane degree - it's oddly soothing and mind-numbing.

You will recover. He, on the other hand, has to live with himself forever.

Very similar to my story except we had a child. I was completely devastated and hadn't seen it coming. It takes a while for the shock to wear off. Three years later I met the man of my dreams and have been completely happy since. Good luck with your recovery.

It’s hard now but soon you’ll be glad he’s left and you can move on to someone else who won’t cheat and break your heart
Cut him off and move on as hard as it’ll be
Take care

Join a running club. Or hill walking. It will make you sleep better and improve your mood too.
He doesn't have to love you but you need to learn to love yourself.
Hang in there - it will get better.

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies. Thank you all for your advice, kind words and sharing your own experiences. Most of the household bills are in my name apart from 1 or 2. My period is due on the 27th.

I have downloaded some apps to help with sleep, I have done some exercises, went for a walk, had a shower, did alot of crying and had a little sleep and am going to attempt to have some soup and a slice of bread soon. I have unfortunately though texted him several times today telling him how much I love him and I need him after he called me this morning, I've tried blocking him but it's so easy to just unblock and I know his number even if I delete it. I know they're probably laughing at me and I get such short blunt replies. Although he does still tell me he loves me and cares about when we speak to me. I need to find some self respect and not let him see what he's done to me but he's been my support network for so long .

Not looking forward to another long evening staring at my phone, my cats really miss him too. He was always the favourite . I need to stop wallowing in self pity but can't seem to pull myself out this hole.

OP,
I was in your shoes recently but I am nearly 40, mortgage and 2 young kids. He left for a woman of 24.
You feel horrendous right now and no matter how many people say you have and a lucky escape you won't see it like that...yet.One day it will hot you that it was the best thing it happens now. You are young, you have been through an awful time with your miscarriage (I have been there) and that in itself needs to time to heal from.
Do not think this is the end of the world, it may feel like it but it really isn't.
Surround yourself with friends and family who will support you, and move on from this. You will do, it just takes time.
Please block them on all social media you do not need that hell. I made the mistake of checking the OW Instagram and she had a photo of a Christmas tree, with "our first Christmas tree." He had walked out on me and my 2 young children and my heart was shattered and that just broke me. It does nothing for you but cause you heart ache.
Do contact the docs,get the help you need. I suffered with depression for years and he threw it in my face as the reason to end our 18 year relationship. In hindsight I should have sought help earlier, but for me not him.
Do this for you. Sod him.

Thank you @apricot10 I'm sorry you had to go through that. I still can't get it through my head how someone can do that to someone after sharing so much together. Glad to hear that it does get better. I think once I can fully accept this is all real and he isn't coming back I can start to heal but can't shake the feeling we're supposed to be together. Silly I know since he's shacked up with someone else.

I've been where you are, it's an awful place to be. Soon, you will find the strength to block him. I know you can't see that now but you will. Then you will start to feel stronger and begin to move forward. It's actually very empowering when it happens.

This is when the shit will hit the fan for him. He's had no break from you to her. Very unhealthy indeed. In reality, the chance of it lasting is minimal. Nobody trusts a cheater! He will quickly realise the grass most certainly is not greener and may well attempt to worm his way back in. Be prepared for this. You deserve so much better. There's not one good reason I can think of that excuses cheating. Greed and a distinct lack of morality is what's happened.

The likelihood is that he was probably quite happy with you but used that as an excuse for his infidelity. In his eyes it portrays him in a less sleazy light. And, IMO, if anyone showcases their relationship on FB, proclaiming how amazing it is, it's often just a facade.

Keep your chin up. Try to eat. Keep talking to us and your friends. ❤️

Thank you @firecracker69. I'm hoping this part doesn't last too long although I'm also well aware I'm doing myself no favours. I feel stupid refusing to give up on us when the reality is he's already moved on and in the honeymoon period with her perfectly happy. He will only text or call me when he isn't with her.
It has hurt me badly that he's tried to make me at fault for this, if he was so unhappy he should have left a long time ago but I'm aware this is the same reason every man who cheats uses. I just don't want them to be happy as selfish as that may sound. I want them to suffer like I am.
Just wish I could focus on something, anything else because I'm so fed up of thinking about them .

You can’t just switch your feelings for him off after this terrible shock. I know others are calling him all the names under the sun, but good people make bad choices sometimes.
Perhaps he will realise that the grass isn’t always greener and then you will both have to consider whether you have a chance at rebuilding. Especially if there is a baby on the way. Which is around a one in five chance.
Wayward men often return. Give him a chance to miss you by having absolutely no contact with him. Try to get your rest, eat little and often and maybe journal your feelings. It’s so hard xx

He’s not fit to lick your boots , remember that
You are so young, and lucky to have escaped this horrible slug. They deserve each other.
Be kind to yourself.
It sounds like he’s been eroding your sense of self for years
See your doctor, take the tablets and change your number. Stop all contact with him. He’s not worth your breath

Thank you @sacredspace I know I have to leave him alone but can't seem to stop myself. I'm just pushing him further away and I know that. I really don't know what I think crying to him will achieve. I need to work on myself and learn to be independent.