Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

Try to allow yourself to feel how you feel. You were together for a long time and he didn’t just break up with you, he went on to be extremely unkind on top. You will be traumatised by that to a certain extent. Let go of the self disgust. Your response to him and what he he’s done isn’t disgusting it’s entirely human.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or do certain things. Just move through the days and let time work it’s magic 💐

@lookingoutside thank you. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I cry myself to sleep every night and then dream of him and wake up crying. I just want it all to stop. I know the only thing that will help is time but I just want to fast forward through all this part.

I feel so incredibly lonely and sad all the time. I know I'm the only one who can help myself but I'm really struggling to find the strength to even get out of bed somedays now. I feel like I'm going backwards, yesterday was a really bad day and I feel today won't be much better as I'm just laid in bed crying. I know i need to get a grip I'm a 30 year old woman but I just can't see how to make things better. I still see my future with him and don't know what it looks like alone .

What you've got to ask yourself is, do you want a future with him and risk being like this in 5, 10, 25, 20 years time? When we make decisions for ourselves we are empowered and it raised our self esteem.
I'd also try to create a routine for every day. Eg, a good walk or run, have a healthy lunch, read a book, watch TV, soak in the bath etc. This pandemic is not helping with you being on garden leave but you can create your new routine for yourself. Reach out to your mum and family and try to avoid talking about him, focus on something else. These are just my initial thoughts but I'm sure you will get some other good advice on here and from your counsellor. Best wishes x

Oh OP I feel for you; heartbreak is so tough. My exh dumped me after a short affair and after 14 yrs of marriage it was devastating. We’d been doing ivf unsuccessfully. I was 36 and had never lived alone as I’d been with him since 17.

I remember feeling like I had no future- It had been taken away and future was blank. He and OW made great displays of how wonderful it was they’d found each other which led to more pain. (It didnt last of course).

I had bad days and terrible days, then ok days. I felt sometimes ok, then it would wash over me like a great black cloud. Its gradual to feel better. One day you realise that you feel ok and then good! Sometimes its one step forward then one back. Exercise helps, doing things that make you feel good helps. Heartbreak plus a pandemic is a bit crap isnt it. It will get better. Eat a little, get counselling and talk lots to people who will listen and support you.

For what its worth the experience has made me a stronger, more independent person and life is so much better now. I’m glad it happened.

You will get there. Just focus on getting through each day. Working helped me- it was the only thing that was constant in my life and took my mind off things.

Eat yogurt, shakes, smoothies to keep up strength. It will pass.

How are you OP? Hope you are doing okay

@baronesswrongcrowd. Hello. I haven't posted in a while because honestly I seem to be going backwards. Really not doing very well at all but trying to push through.

It's quite sad really how reliant I've become on being in a relationship. I'm very, very unhappy on my own. I think this is the longest I haven't had a boyfriend since I was about 13 and I'm finding it incredibly difficult. Really hoping I get some counciling/CBT sorted soon but given the pandemic I'm not feeling very optimistic. Thank you so much for checking in on me. It means alot .

Now my anger has subsided I'm back to the sadness and remembering all the good times and I'm ashamed to say I've reached out begging once again during a moment of weakness. Thankfully he has ignored me this time which I know is for the best.

Im so sorry you are going through this , in time you will get over this trust me , please do not contact him again and stop obsessing over the other woman , I think you are lucky not to have children to this man , I’m just starting over at 31 with 3 children and I completely understand the feeling of how you’ve invested so much into him but honestly Hun anything you do now regarding him is waisting your energy, you will find love again I promise right now focus on yourself x

@Lonelynow so sorry to hear that, the pandemic won't be helping. Set yourself little goals like going for a walk or doing some yoga, eat well too. We're here if you want to reach out.

@lora88 I know you're right in saying that but honestly I feel that I've lost him and my chance at having a family of my own as right now I feel could never trust another man again. The future looks very lonely.

@oblahdeeoblahdoe thank you, I'm seeing my GP on Monday as I can't go on as I am. I'm utterly obsessed with him, it's all I think about. I'm not eating, barely leave me bed, hadn't even brushed my hair in days until today, I've gotten up, showered and dressed. I'm an utter mess. I'm so ashamed of how badly I'm taking this even when it's been months now and the fact I can't do the things I know i need to. I know i need to get a grip I'm a grown woman fgs but I just can't seem to do it

Well, you've made progress, you got up, showered, dressed and booked a GP appointment. Take the GP's advice and take for every bit of help you can get.

Hope
You’re ok op x

@eryouwhat sorry I didn't see this. Thank you for checking on me. I think I was doing ok but the last week I've gone totally downhill again. Not exactly sure why, I think struggling financially, looking for a job, lockdown, the anniversary of my miscarriage and thinking how different things would be and the festive period are all factors. Who knew receiving cards addressed only to me would hurt so much . Just about to start a new thread for some hand holding .

@Lonelynow I may have missed an update. How are you Lonelynow?

just read this entire Thread... I hope you are feeling better OP.. please keep talking 🌸

@willowmelangell Hello! I'm so sorry I've only just seen your comment. I am actually doing very,very well now. A far cry from where I was last year.

I'm now coming up to one year when my old life fell apart and whilst there are still some aspects of my old life I miss I know what is ahead of me is far better than what is behind me.

I am doing very well in my new career, I have lost over 5 stone and some days I don't even recognize myself! Whilst I was so positive that I would never meet anyone else and I genuinely had no interest in doing so I met a lovely man a few months ago. It is still very early days and I'm taking things very slow, so I am not in a relationship just having fun as I do still have issues with trusting anyone. Meanwhile my ex is still sleeping on his mum's sofa, begging for me back at any opportunity and seems to finally regret what he done, too little too late! The horrible girl (she acts like a child so I won't call her a woman!) still makes fake profiles to message me pointless nonsense despite the fact she has moved on (to another man who was in a long term relationship may I add ). I ignore it all now. I was the winner in this situation despite how awful it was. Reading back on this thread , I can't believe that person was me! It is definitely true what they say you hit rock bottom to get back up.

YES!!!!!!

I am so happy to read this. Have a wonderful summer and lots of love ❤️

@Lookingoutside thank you so much, you too !

Wow I just read this whole thread from start to finish; well done @Lonelynow! So glad to hear you're feeling better, and I LOVE that this pathetic excuse for a man is living out the pathetic existence that he deserves, long may that last!

Well done you, I hope that things continue on the up for you

@Lonelynow how amazing! You need a name change to Fabulousnow or similar.

And change your bloody number again so the pathetic worm can't get to you!!!

I'm so pleased to read your recent update OP You are amazing x