Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

[quote user1469989812]@footprintsintheslow he's a compulsive liar, he's incredibly selfish, doesn't do anything around the house, never cared about anything but himself. Even when my dad passed away or my nan was in hospital, he never asked how I was. He put me down constantly, would never make any effort to do anything together so we were just always at home on the sofa while he was on his phone. Despite all of this I still adore him. There's still lots of things I do love about him but I'm realizing I'm better off without him as much as I still want him.[/quote]
Sounds like a real catch!!! If you'd made a thread about any of these things you would have been told by the majority to leave the bastard.
You've had a lucky escape. Nice men don't cheat and leave. Nice men don't treat their partners like this so it is heartbreaking for you but ultimately better in the long run.

PS. He's going to be a shit dad too!

Thanks all, I know you're all right. Hes a horrible human being. No contact has helped because I think part of me hoped he would reach out to check if I was OK but he hasn't because I mean nothing to him. I've been doing a lot of reading and really do believe he's a narcissist so none of this will be bothering him as he's found his new supply.

And I will be getting myself checked out as I highly doubt he'll tell me if he has given me anything.

hello - I am dealing with aspects of this at the moment. I asked my partner of 15 yrs [we have 2 DC] to leave but I really did not want it to end. I suspect there is someone else but it was to do with his relationship with alcohol and chasing other women online that drove me to call it a day. He seems to have rewritten the end of our relationship to suit his own needs and whilst I appreciate we all do that to an extent I am quite staggered by his attitude - I am being presented as the bad guy and him the poor victim. The level headed me knows he is not for me and I will in the long term be better off without him in my life but the emotional me is working so hard at the moment to get through my days. I barely sleep and barely eat - it is such hard work and requires so much resiliance. I am having to dig so deep and it is exhausting and actually very lonely. Keep going.....things will be brighter.

I wanted to add that i was sort of waiting for the big regretful apology - but now I am really focusing on what would I actually get from that. What would it actually mean to me. I think we have all the answers and all the strength we need inside of us already. I also hold onto the fact that there is not one email, message, bank statement that I would have had an issue with him seeing - I am quite a loyal transparent person. My ex cannot say the same and I do wonder how some people look in the mirror. Keep hold of this stuff because you are fabulous and he is a knob.

@seriouslynotagain I'm sorry you're going through it too, it really is very tough when you've been nothing but loyal to this person and they discard you like you're nothing. I know my ex is definitely playing the victim to his new conquest, making out he's been depressed and unhappy for a long time but stayed because he cared. All complete lies of course. He destroyed my self esteem and left me picking at breadcrumbs of affection for years. I was just out a very physically abusive relationship when we met and he made me believe he was my hero in the beginning but slowly wore ne down until I was a shell of a person. I don't even know who I am anymore other than his partner or ex now. But I will get through this and learn to love myself again.

Part of me is still waiting on the big apology but I know it isn't coming, he's too busy pretending he's something he isn't atm but his lies will catch up with him eventually.

I wouldn't bother even half thinking he'll have any self awareness or grace to give you an apology about how he treated you. He saw your vulnerability from the beginning and exploited that for his own reasons then dropped the bombshell on you, at the end, with no warning, when he could do most damage.

Remember this is the man who googled about STI clinics for himself but didn't bother about giving you a heads up..

Even his current person deserves better than that.

Onward and upward OP. Wipe you feet on the bad memories he's left you with. Your life will surely get better from here. 🌹

Thank you @happynow001 he's a disgusting excuse for a human. I wish I could switch off any feelings I have for him but I know that will take a long time.

Keep thinking I'm getting better then 20 minutes later I'm a sobbing mess crumbled on the floor. Why am I not one of those strong women who can pull themselves together

It's a rollercoaster coaster of emotions. As other posters have mentioned, you're grieving. The five stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These don't occur in a specific order and we move between these stages before processing our loss. It's awful, I know. ❤️

Thanks @firecracker69 just wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself now. It's making me feel even more worthless that he's done all this to me and I'm still crying over him and missing him when he couldn't give a toss.

It's fine to feel sorry for yourself, if this happened to your friend you'd feel so sad for them so why not for yourself!?

Please don't feel embarassed or ashamed that you begged him to stay or whatever, you were in shock, most people would have done the same. In the future, he will see how strong you are and you will dispell that memory of yourself, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's him who should be ashamed.

@user1469989812

Keep thinking I'm getting better then 20 minutes later I'm a sobbing mess crumbled on the floor. Why am I not one of those strong women who can pull themselves together

You can be both. Im strong. But my predictably human reaction to being let down very badly has always been to feel it.

Feel what you feel.
Then when you are ready, work on resilience.

Feeling hurt right now is the logical consequence of what you have just experience. Feeling very hurt right now doesnt mean you arent strong.

If you felt nothing right now, it'd be because you hadnt cared about him.

Thank you @muser314 today has been an exceptionally hard day. I've had to seek out to the mental health team for support because I truly feel I may end up doing something stupid. Feel so completely and utterly alone .

You aren't ever alone with mumsnet around. Well done for getting help. Any idea how long you need to wait? Have you been to work today?

No. No idea my GP just said that someone would call me I thought that would be today but that was at around 10am this morning, work sent me home because I wasn't able to function and they're desperate for people to take annual leave after furlough. I am at my GP for a smear test tomorrow afternoon so will follow up with them if noone has been in touch I think the reality of it all is hitting home. I feel absolutely pathetic, like I should be ashamed my abusive ex years ago attempted suicide after I left him and I absolutely hated him for it. Hiw pathetic to feel you can't go on without a man whos shacked up with someone else. Truly feel like karma has come for me and I've gotten what I deserve.

It's not pathetic. You are heartbroken and hurting. You can't control how you feel, unfortunately. It's still very early days and your pain is still so raw. There are many of us on here who've experienced what you're going through and will support you as long as you need it. We're here for you.

@footprintsintheslow thank you that means alot. It's the fact I know its going to be a long hard road thats scaring me to be honest. I can't see the end where I will feel better even though I know that I will.

You only need to manage one day at a time not the whole journey. Just aim to get through one day at a time. Eat, contact friends, have a walk. Anything else is a bonus

My heart goes out to you - at the moment you are going through a process similar to grieving. You think you're fine and then the panic sets in - it's so hard. Please believe you are not alone and you WILL get through it. I do think you should try to get back to work and into a routine (you're not WFH are you? That probably won't help your MH).

Is there a chance you could go and stay with your family for the weekend to get away and different scenery?

Don't try to compare yourself to her - you don't want to be someone that takes someone else's boyfriend away. He will probably do the same to her (or her him).

You were thinking about what to watch on TV - what about something easy like Judge Judy, Come Dine with Me or if you were up for it something like Silent Witness?

Aww my darling I feel for you and hope you start to feel better soon. Big hugs to you.

@footprintsintheslow thank you I really do appreciate your support.

@bbconeandtwo thank you for your kind words. We are working from home but office should be opening very soon thankfully. I know routine will help but I'm really struggling to function or concentrate on anything. My appetite is still non existent and I haven't been sleeping because I lay here torturing myself thinking of them in bed together. I look absolutely horrendous, I really haven't been taking care of myself. Everyone keeps saying I have to show him what he's missing but I just don't care about anything atm.

I don't have the best relationship with my family and have only seen them a handful of times in the last 10 years, I know I'd be welcome but it's just too much to cope with. My best friend is currently on holiday so I can't see her either although she did try before she went away. I've pretty much seen no one for weeks, I'm doing myself no favours at all I know

I have been rewatching Greys Anatomy or true crime documentaries to try and stay distracted and have made sure to go for a walk everyday, even if it is at bizarre hours.

Tonight I lost the last of my dignity, I told him I was feeling very low and suicidal and I was scared that if I died no one would find me for weeks (yes I know I should not have done that, I'm very ashamed and it sounds like emotional blackmail but that wasn't my intention) I have no one else to talk to but he didn't even care and I think that's the moment I've finally realized that there's no going back. My last ex was extremely violent and when he was suicidal I contacted people to get him support but I barely got a response and don't think I'll ever contact him again now. Really made me feel worthless but now I have to pick myself up and start to put myself back together again.

Sorry if I'm babbling on here or just being annoying. I'm finding it helpful to write stuff down and hoping I'll be able to look back on how far I've come in the future.

[quote user1469989812]@footprintsintheslow thank you I really do appreciate your support.

@bbconeandtwo thank you for your kind words. We are working from home but office should be opening very soon thankfully. I know routine will help but I'm really struggling to function or concentrate on anything. My appetite is still non existent and I haven't been sleeping because I lay here torturing myself thinking of them in bed together. I look absolutely horrendous, I really haven't been taking care of myself. Everyone keeps saying I have to show him what he's missing but I just don't care about anything atm.

I don't have the best relationship with my family and have only seen them a handful of times in the last 10 years, I know I'd be welcome but it's just too much to cope with. My best friend is currently on holiday so I can't see her either although she did try before she went away. I've pretty much seen no one for weeks, I'm doing myself no favours at all I know

I have been rewatching Greys Anatomy or true crime documentaries to try and stay distracted and have made sure to go for a walk everyday, even if it is at bizarre hours.

Tonight I lost the last of my dignity, I told him I was feeling very low and suicidal and I was scared that if I died no one would find me for weeks (yes I know I should not have done that, I'm very ashamed and it sounds like emotional blackmail but that wasn't my intention) I have no one else to talk to but he didn't even care and I think that's the moment I've finally realized that there's no going back. My last ex was extremely violent and when he was suicidal I contacted people to get him support but I barely got a response and don't think I'll ever contact him again now. Really made me feel worthless but now I have to pick myself up and start to put myself back together again.

Sorry if I'm babbling on here or just being annoying. I'm finding it helpful to write stuff down and hoping I'll be able to look back on how far I've come in the future.[/quote]
There is absolutely no need at all to apologise and please don't feel ashamed you are feeling low and down and reaching out in whatever way you feel will help. He's obviously not going to help but you had no-one else to turn to so please please don't feel ashamed.

I'm sorry that your family aren't there for you and it's not so good that you are WFH IMO.

There is a very very good book called 'Woman who Love too much'. This helped me when I was going through something similar with a nasty ex (I'm not in your position as such in that I had my family so you are going through much more than me). This book explains how, no matter what you do, the person you are with is not right for you.

Don't worry about how you look at the moment but please try and force yourself to eat something. If you hand on in there till your friend comes back and talk to her this is something to hang on to.

One day at a time and the pain will eventually subside (even though you cannot imagine that happening every again).

You will end up stronger honey I'm sure you will.

I wish there was more I could do or say - but probably you writing all this out and being able to look back will help as well. Going from day to day you will see how you're improving each day.

Hugs and love to you. Please keep talking on here - if you can to friends/GP. Everyone on this thread is routing for you.

I think we have to get to rock bottom before we can go back up. It's going to take time and there's no quick fixes here.
Your ex sounds like a total scum bag and one day you'll look back and feel relief.

Good luck at the drs today. Chase up the MH referral. And then you will have been productive enough for one day! Tv and snack for you after that.

That Dear John on Netflix is based on real life events if that's what you are after

@user1469989812 - whatever small thing you can do to look after yourself is worth a pat on the back. Getting out of bed, brushing teeth, the occasional shower. All of this is you looking after yourself.

Do you like any cereals? Can be a good way to get some vitamins in when you're really unable to manage much food. Feeling physically awful just makes everything harder.

Sleeping tablets are not a long term answer and you wouldn't get many from the GP, but getting a few nights sleep might really help. I'm not a big fan of antidepressants, especially after huge life events (because there's a clear cause for your distress that can be talked about and AD have a lot of side effects of their own), and getting some sleep may really help.

If you can afford private therapy I'd really recommend it, waiting lists are extremely long for NHS treatment, and you'd be unlikely to get a substantial number of sessions.I know it isn't affordable for many people, but there may be local charities that offer low cost longer term therapy - they may also have long waiting lists but better to wait for that than 8 weeks of CBT (not that CBT doesn't have benefits, just that you are likely to be going round and round and up and down with this for a long time after such a sudden and dramatic life change, it isn't necessarily going to benefit you long term in the way a more consistent relationship with a therapist would).