Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

It doesn't feel like it now but you will look back on this time and thank your lucky stars he has gone. You are young and you will move on and get better. Stop seeing yourself through negative eyes and see yourself as a positive strong woman who is moving on without a coward of a man like that. Don't let him knock you, hold your head up high, value your worth and begin the rest of your life. You will do this. X

@redlipstickandnails I know you're right, I was actually starting to feel much better before he wormed his way back in and am now right back to the beginning. My self esteem is completely destroyed again and I really dislike everything about myself. He's made me feel worthless about myself once again. I know its going to be a long road and hopefully I will wake up tomorrow feeling a little better. The uncontrollable sobbing is really annoying me because I keep trying to snap myself out of it and it just won't stop. Thank you for your kind words x

@Lonelynow you know you were starting to feel better so that's a real positive. You can do this again. You've just a had a minor blip. Everyone goes back to shag an ex at some point.

How about starting an online course of some description? What do you like doing? Is there anything you'd like to do?

@footprintsintheslow I'm just so annoyed with myself. I really thought he had realized how stupid he'd been and that he loved me. I am an idiot.i knew it would be a long hard road to get through everything that had happened but I was willing to put in the effort. Lesson learned though, I deserve better than being second best to a man I always made me priority. Now I have to be my own priority. Wish I wasn't such a hopeless romantic who believes any olf rubbish he feeds me simply because I love him.

I'm not really in the best financial situation at the moment to be even thinking about doing courses and things until the end of next week.

I've been exercising regularly to try and keep busy but woke up today with a very heavy period (which i am relieved about as at least he didn't get me pregnant) so today is being spent on the sofa. Going to run a nice bath, put on a facemask, light all my candles and cook myself something nice and try and make myself feel a little better.

The texts have started again, saying he loves me, he's sorry, he's stupid, he's turned up at the door 3 times over the weekend and I've just ignored him.

Block him.. please don't let him play with your mental health like this OP. He does not respect your mental wellbeing.

Have just looked at this thread today - reminds me of some dark days that I had myself many years ago when my marriage of 20 years broke up. I was luckily enough to have support from good friends. It does get better I promise

@bluethistles he is blocked but i can't seem to stop myself checking my blocked messages and calls. I'm so weak willed.

Thank you @eviebeans I don't have much in the way of support, I seem to use this thread as a sort of diary and am hopeful I will be able to look back in a few months time and see how far I have come x

Well done for ignoring him all weekend. 💐

can you change numbers ?

@bluethistles I've already paid to change my number once now but will probably have to do it again.

@melstarrynight thank you, I won't lie its hard i want to message him all sorts of abuse. But then i miss him so much too x

@Lonelynow try and take some pleasure in that everytime her tries to contact you, you choose to knock him back. What a kick in the teeth for him.
He thinks he can have you when he likes... think again cockface!

@Lonelynow don't beat yourself up it's very common. I did this 17 yrs ago after my then fiancé dumped me 2 months before our wedding.
He kept turning up at our house and I kept sleeping with him thinking it meant he wasn't sure he'd done the right thing.
It didn't mean that, I was just easy familiar sex for him.
Don't do what I did. It made me so ill I ended up In hospital thinking I was dying. And the after effects lasted years.
I wish I'd had MN back then .

@footprintsintheslow its really difficult I keep going to message him then stopping myself because I know that's what ge expects. He thinks he can pick up amd drop me as and when he pleases.

Its difficult because I still don't see a future without him. I have terrible social anxiety, struggle to make friends and am very much happy at home on the sofa with him and the cats. Now I'm incredibly lonely and can't see how that will change. I really do feel lost at the moment. Don't know what to do with myself or how to make myself feel better. Started a new Tv series and that's helping to distract me, looking back on this page it wasn't so long ago I wasn't able to even watch TV so I am making some progress.

@indietara I'm sorry you went through that. I'm the same, I keep thinking the fact he's still been in constant contact and slept with me again must have meant something when the reality is it was just easy and familiar for him. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days, I really hope this passes quickly. I hope you're in a much better place now x

@Lonelynow he gave me chlamydia! I had terrible panic attacks for years after, depression and very low self esteem . I drank too much and went on a search for affection from anybody who was willing to give it.
In reality, I got drunk whilst on anti depressants and had too many one night stands. None of which made me feel better. I had counselling but it didn't help, I knew what had happened and why but couldn't manage to stop the downward spiral.
2 years later I ran away and worked abroad for nearly 4 yrs to escape my life.
13 yrs later I've had a couple of bad relationships and a very bitter divorce and court child custody case.
I can't trust men any more or tolerate any hint of crap from them.
I çan however rely on myself and try to show DD the positive sides of relationships

@indietara you've just reminded me I need to get myself tested. I already have the anxiety, depression, panic attacks this has just made them worse 😢. I have no intention of ever being with another man again. I don't want to put myself through this again. I don't even find any other men attractive I was that infatuated with him.

I'm glad you've learned to cope and show your DD the positives. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone again after this.

@Lonelynow you probably will find other men attractive at some point.
I do occasionally, but not enough to give them all my spare time, headspace or do anything on their terms! And I will never live with a man again. Ever

He isn't for you anymore. Your feelings are separate to the person he is. You are 30. Try therapy? You deserve better and don't go back to him.

Hi. I don't usually comment on relationships board I mainly hang around for style and beauty but this popped up on active threads and I felt I needed to reply.
I went through a very similar situation 3 years ago my partner suddenly declared out of the blue he wasn't happy anymore. I suspected there was someone else and he swore there wasn't. Unfortunately I couldn't afford the house on my own so I was the one to leave and two weeks later he moved a woman from work and her two kids in with him.
To say I was devastated was an understatement I felt like my life wasn't worth living. At the time I had also lost my job was battling a serious health condition and my dad had just died. I went from feeling happy that although a lot had gone wrong I still had him to being absolutely suicidal.
I went through a whole ton of emotions from begging him to come back, messaging her, getting incredibly angry and seriously depressed. I felt like she was rubbing my face in it by doing things like returning my mail to sender, turning up to parties with him and our mutual friends, using things that belonged to me and then posting pictures on social media it goes on and on.
I can't even tell you when or how things started to change for me it took a long long time it was almost like he had died and I was grieving his loss. He also came back to me a couple of times and would say he didn't know what he wanted and that he still loved me etc. I stupidly slept with him too.
I think the major turning point was cutting all contact which was so hard I was so desperate for him to come back to me and it all be a bad dream. I even put a count down app on my phone to tell me how many days I had managed to do it for 🙈 a bit cringe but seeing the progress helped.
Anyway with time things did change and My life could not be anymore different from the day I was curled up on the bedroom floor wanting my world to end I am now living in the sunshine running my own business with a great guy and generally life is very good and peaceful and happy.
A couple of months ago he got in touch with me I stupidly didn't block him on email 🙈 he was saying we should let bygones be bygones etc. For a split second it brought everything back but I replied saying yeah I'm happy now it was all for the best. Then he started with the suggestive messages talking about the things we used to do 🤢. I had a good old laugh to myself and thought a leopard never change its spots and then blocked him from the email too 😂. I assume the novelty has worn off and the grass isn't greener I just found the whole thing absolutely hilarious and went on with my day.
I look back now and wonder what the hell I was ever thinking ! He wasn't a nice person he was a complete narcissist and tbh pretty average looking too 🤣.
So what I am trying to say is that it's still so early on and honestly I feel like it took me a good year if not longer. You will get there and when anybody told me that I thought don't be so stupid I will never get over this. But I promise you will

@thistooshallpas5 I think a countdown timer is an excellent idea and not cringe at all!

@thistooshallpas5 thank you for sharing your story. By the sounds of it you were feeling exactly as I am now. I'm so glad you're in a much better place now and love that you were able to have the last laugh.

I find it oddly comforting knowing that others have also taken breakups so badly as lots of people around me are making me feel like I'm pathetic for being as low as I am.

It's the loneliness I find the worst, especially in the evenings. I still cry every night when I get in bed and every morning when I wake up.

I have downloaded a countdown timer app

Hey OP. There are so many of us feeling like this. The world will always be littered with broken hearted people but not the same ones all of the time. I am where you are now and I have been before and recovered.

I have a good few years on you and I had forgotten how it feels and how destructive it can be. We will be ok. We will not always feel like this. Hold on and know that people are thinking of you.

I've just read this whole thread and want to say my heart goes out to you. Something though has leapt out to me, now is the time for you to consider making big changes to your life. You have no ties to the area (except for that cheat and manipulator) you can apply for jobs anywhere in the country or the world for that matter. Make a list of your dreams, imagine yourself as a happy, powerful young woman who can do what the hell she wants. Look at all of this as a huge opportunity for yourself. I know I might be talking cobblers but I do think you need to change your mindset. I can see you've made huge strides already so feel proud of yourself. Big hugs and lots of luck!

@lookingoutside I hope you are doing OK . It really is a rubbish feeling isn't it, I hate him so much but still love him and miss him terribly to which makes me disgusted with myself.

@oblahdeeoblahdoe thank you, I know you are right, the only thing holding me back is me. I have terrible self esteem issues and anxiety, even before all this mess so my main focus at the moment is trying to like myself a bit more and believe that I can get through this.

@Lonelynow I understand what you're saying so maybe I was encouraging you to run before you can walk. Lots of self love is needed. Don't focus on your mistakes, you're a loving, kind person who has been mistreated, don't let him ruin the rest of your life.

@oblahdeeoblahdoe thanks, I really don't know how to learn to like myself. It's something I've always struggled with, I've had counciling in the past for it and and am currently waiting on CBT. X