Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

Happy Birthday for yesterday! My 30's were honestly the best. In fact it was a relief when I went from 29 to 30

This is the start of something awesome for you if you reach out and grab it. I know it sounds twee but during my 20's I suffered from mental health problems, split up from my long-term boyfriend, got made redundant, It really wasn't great. In my 30's I decided to take life by the horns. I got married, had a child, retrained job wise, did other stuff that I'm really proud of. It's not all been easy but i wasn't going to let anyone or a anything get me down.

Is there a thing you would love to do? Write a book, travel, retrain? Whatever it is, aim for it . It might not happen but it's great as a distraction

As for him and her. Well. I would make note that she tried to video call you after she threatened you with the police and if the police do appear tell them about all the little incidents where they have tried to contact you. They just want to suck you into their drama.

Anyway. I'm rooting for you

If they were truly happy together you wouldn’t be in their thoughts op, so video calling and
provoking you is very immature. I bet she’s feeling all jealous cuz he can’t stop contacting you! The Better you do the harder they’ll fall😁 have you ever watched Bridget Jones Diary? Bloody brilliant film funny but also relatable for so many people! Hang in there, I promise soon you’ll wake up and he won’t be your first thought! Have you considered maybe joining some dating sites? Have a few dates, get dressed up and meet some new people? You don’t have to rush into anything but it’ll make you feel loads better! X

How are you OP?

Hello OP. I’ve been thinking of you too. How are you?

@sunshinecocktails @lookingoutside thank you for think of me. I'm not very good to be honest, got a really painful water infection so been sleeping loads. Still very lonely and emotional but I think thats because I'm poorly and feeling sorry for myself. Still no contact from the police x

@Lonelynow glad you are seeing some improvement, As Baroness said the only way is up.

Sorry posted too soon, hope your water infection is gone soon x

Just to say, it gets better.

I was in a pretty similar situation. Married almost 4 years, with them for over 10 (on and off), went to visit my folks one weekend, got home and apparently they had 'fallen out of love with me', was obvious it was more than that, worked out they had been having an affair for a few months, confronted on that, apologies, wont happen again etc. marriage counselling. Long story short they continued to have an affair for another few month before leaving me for the other. I tried to be nice, left all our furniture, car, pets etc. Other person moved into our house almost immediately. Lockdown happened, I filed for divorce, they got angry, it became increasingly difficult to deal with them because they continued to lie about affair, told our mutual friends I was to blame, had a go at me for seeing someone else. So I just stopped speaking to them or having anything to do with them. I ended up with 4 boxes of stuff after 10 years of a life built together, living at my parents. They don't feel they owe me anything. I loved them absolutely to death and helped them through some really rough stuff, also forgave them for cheating earlier on, totally heartbreaking. But... it gets better, even with everything else going on and not being able to make the most of not having to worry about someone else, I know one day I'll be ok and so will you.

How are you doing today?

Hi OP, just wanted to say you have done an amazing job so far –even if it doesn't feel like that. You deserve so much better, your ex is a nasty, horrible piece of work who clearly loves seeing you so torn up over him and can't stand the idea that you are slowly beginning to move on. My ex left me about 4 months ago and I was utterly bereft for the first few months but I can honestly already say that him leaving was the best thing that has happened this year! I hope you feel the same in another 2 months, you are doing brilliantly, although your friends sound a bit crap and nowhere near supportive enough, please continue to post on here if you feel it helps.

Hi everyone, I haven't been about much. I have been the absolute stupidest idiot ever.

I slept with him and let him worm his way back in and use me as he pleased for a week. I actually felt happy as stupid as that sounds after everything he was done and it was only for him to drop me as soon as he's back at work and around her again, denying he's seeing her again but saying he doesn't know what he wants and feels like he doesn't know what is best, and doesn't know what to say when he's around me sometimes.

I know alot of you were rooting for me so I'm sorry and fully expect a telling off and I really have let myself get dragged right back down to rock bottom again. I feel so used and stupid. How can he treat me this way .

Many of us have been there Lonely. It called Hopium and he's taken advantage of you. Don't be hard on yourself. You have him a chance, he showed you who he truly was.

He will be getting a thrill out of two women 'fighting' for his attention. Take yourself out of his drama. I guarantee you that he will be back again, trying to drag you in to his latest melodrama.

Walk away and don't look back.

Also maybe think about having a look at surviving infidelity. Com forums. So much advice there from people who have gone through the same thing.

Forgive yourself. And take care with the language you use towards yourself. You’re not any of the things you say at the beginning of your last post.

You’re human, you’re hurt, you’re vulnerable. You’re capable of love, compassion, empathy and that will always be a good thing. This man is cruel and selfish and that is no reflection on you. His behaviour is all about him and do try to remember that he is treating this other person in exactly the same way.

I know how you are feeling and how everything looks to you at the moment. Hang on and try to take care of yourself. No judging yourself or unkind words. Sending lots of love.

The person who feels pain at the end of a relationship is the lucky one. They are the ones who feel the lowest lows, but that means they will also feel the greatest highs. You’ll love just as strongly again.

The people (like your ex) who walk away easily and play on other people’s feelings are the ones I pity. They’ll never experience those strong feelings of love and spend their lives looking for something better. What a waste.

Accept that this is not a loss, but just the beginning of your next opportunity. And without this relationship ending, how were you supposed to move on and find the person you’re meant to be with?

Take care.

@baronesswrongcrowd thank you. I feel so stupid, I really believed that he wanted me again but the reality was she had just lost interest in him so he came back to toy with me some more. He really does think he can pick me up and drop me as he pleases. When I last spoke to him I said I don't want to see you or hear from you again, he said like that will happen you'll be texting me moaning at me again in an hour . I'll have a look at those forums.

@lookingoutside thank you, I really was starting to feel better about myself. I had changed my hair, lost a bit if weight, wearing things I never would and doing my makeup every day. Now I feel totally worthless and disgusting. He said to me "you know who I want and you know who I don't, lets not beat about the bush" now all I can think is what is so wrong with me, what has she got that I don't? Need to snap out of it because it's not doing me any good.

@dbml thank you I know you're right, I have no intention of meeting anyone else now. I have nothing to offer anyone at the moment I'm completely worn out but I know things will slowly get better again.

tomorrow is a new day

Know that it isn’t something she has which you don’t have. He just spent the week in your bed. It’s not that he wants her and not you he just wanted to say something cruel. There is nothing wrong with you and he is bad, bad person.

I hope you’re looking after yourself OP and that you manage to sleep. Have you eaten something today?

@lookingoutside no I haven't eaten since Wednesday, I did manage to get to sleep with the help of some herbal kalms. I feel so worthless and ashamed today. Considering opening a bottle of wine and it isn't even 9am, but I won't. Keep checking if he's even tried to contact me, he hasn't and I really don't think he will this time. Struggling not to contact him and tell him what a disgusting human being he is. I feel like I'm right back at square one just crying constantly waiting for the days to be over. He could have just been honest and told me he'd gone back to her but he isn't even man enough to do that, not that it really makes a difference .

This is 6 weeks old with no update from the original poster.

“Struggling not to contact him and tell him what a disgusting human being he is.”

Write it all down. Have a diary or a document where you just furiously scribble all the angry things you feel about him. But keep it for yourself. You need to get those feelings out of you but not to him because he doesn’t give a damn about you. So write them down.

Take up some exercise that involves a lot of boxing or kicking moves - I’m sure there are videos on YouTube. If you’re already doing that, do it more. It will be great exercise for you and the high energy moves will help burn off your anger and frustration.

This too will pass. You will reach a time - you truly will - when you are indifferent to this man (but have taken the necessary lessons from the experience) - keep your eye on that moment. Your wiser, sassier future self is already waiting for you with open arms!

@Lonelynow - my message was for you.

This is 6 weeks old with no update from the original poster.

LonelyNow is the Original Poster, She changed her name, and explains within the thread. 🌺

@pyewhacket yes I am the OP but I name changed.

@dery thank you I already have a notepad I write things down in and regularly send myself emails that I write out so I don't send them to him. You're right he doesn't give a damn, I've held onto this hope that as he was still contacting me and seeing me all the time there must still have been feelings there, when in reality I'm just his emotional punchbag. I will try and do some exercises today, need to snap out of this as I've come back to bed to cry which certainly won't help me at all.

@Lonelynow - broken hearts are rotten. And I do think it's important to cry and let yourself feel the pain amongst the other things also. It will pass. It will take time - probably several months - but you will gradually start to notice that you don't wake up thinking about him; that you were able to laugh at something you've seen etc. etc. He will gradually take up less of your mind and your heart. And you will start to emerge from the other side of the pain. It takes time but it will happen. Many of my good friends met wonderful partners in their mid-30s so you still have plenty of time. Don't worry about that at all.

@dery thank you. I really feel like I'm back at square one now. Spent the whole weekend crying. Really tried to keep busy, went for a run, cooked nice healthy food. Tried speaking to friends, that hasn't gone well they're all very frustrated with me which I of course understand.

I just feel incredibly lonely. I really struggle to make friends. Have no family here. Am currently on garden leave after being mafe redundant and just don't know what to do with myself .