Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

@bluethistles its an indian mince and potato curry

aahhhh lovely ☺️

OP

I went through this at exactly the same age as you. All my hopes and dreams were wiped out from under me.

It took ages to recover. But I did in small steps.

It's 25 years ago. Only time will reinforce what a bullet you have dodged.

@paddy1234 thank you. I feel like I'm 2 steps forward 1 step back. Today has been a really bad day again which has made me feel rubbish as I thought I was doing so well . I think no contact while I know its for the best is really difficult. I feel really bad. I miss him even though he is a horrible person, I feel incredibly alone.

Another little update. I'm at the hotel now. Unfortunately it hasn't sorted the sleeping pattern yet and I miss ny cats loads (they've been extra loving recently). But I'm feeling a little better. Off out for a day of activities and then a nice Turkish meal.

A few missed calls from him so far, but I'm doing better at ignoring him now. I do still love him and miss him terribly and sob uncontrollabley in my moments of weakness but keep reminding myself he isn't the same person anymore.

oh lord I cannot believe he is still calling you, the nerve of Him. You enjoy your Hotel stay. You matter, you are worthy, you are precious. 🌺

It’s not been long since the breakup OP, so please don’t berate yourself for having a cry or feeling emotional. You are grieving, and grief takes time to overcome. Baby steps for now, and be kind to yourself.
I promise it will get better, you won’t feel like this forever, even though it may feel that way at the moment.

@sunshinecocktails thank you I thought I was over it and better but I'm not at all. I came home early from the hotel because I missed my cats and ended up just crying and crying and couldn't sleep. I feel a bit better now I'm back home and going to keep pushing forward although I'm definitely back to feeling quite low and missing him now.

My friend told me today to stop speaking about it because people are bored of me and will stop speaking to me. I know its true but has made me feel particularly shit, especially since I'm always the friend who will happily stay up all hours comforting my friends and listen to them regardless of how long and often we've spoken about it before. This healing and moving on business is hard. I think deep down I'm still waiting for him unintentionally which makes me feel crap because he's treated me absolutely terribly.

Those people are not friends, that's just typical of the type of selfish attitude you don't need around you right now, so cut them off, block for a while. Happy to pour their sobbing heart and soul out to you for however long it took, but give zero fucks in return. You'll find out who your friends truly are during this recovery period OP, sad but true. Stay strong 🌺

@bluethistles that's the thing, I've realized I don't have any. I only have 4 people who I call friends and 2 of those are back home. The 2 I have here are the ones who are fed up now. It's my own fault for making my partner my best friend, a mistake I'll never make again.

I need to learn to be happy in my own company. This has made me realize I have massive codependency issues. I have to start taking responsibility for my own choices and actions now and learn to let go of the past. I keep telling myself I will be ok, it will get easier eventually.

I still love him and want him back too, which repulses me but I know in time that too will go.

Lonely now, I have been through pretty much the same experience as you.

Married for 17 years, seemed very happy with me.

Then a colleague comes on the scene and it's like he's rewritten history. He left 18 months ago to live in her spare room.

I went through the sleepless nights and dropped weight through no appetite.

It really does get better. You will find that the sleep returns and little bits of enjoyment come back. You don't notice at first.

I have children with my husband so have contact with him. He is now saying he can't work out how he ended up where he is from what he had.

I just let it all go, you will too.

@clarinet53 sounds very similar, in the beginning I was told it was someone from work but wasn't a woman and he was staying in the spare room until I forced it out of him little tiny details at a time. He doesn't ever admit to anything until he can't deny it anymore because he's been caught red handed then says he didn't want to hurt my feelings .

Thank you for sharing your story it must have been awful for you. I'm glad he's realized what a fool he was and you are doing much better. I have lost quite a bit if weight but could definitely do with losing alot more 😂.

I am lucky we weren't, married no kids etc so not as complicated. I am slowly starting to feel a bit better but am still consumed by it, it is like an obsession and my self esteem which was already very low is lower than ever at the moment. He has made me hate myself.

Just checking to see that you are okay today?

@baronesswrongcrowd thank you so much for checking up on me. It's nice to know people care.

Well I've been offline after a tough few days, all his lies unraveled again, I stupidly messaged her to tell her exactly what he has been doing, leading me on again and lying about them being together etc and she's contacted the police now apparently. Saying I'm harassing her. Such a messy situation, I've messaged her on 3 occasions throughout all of this, never called her names, threatened her or anything but she has always replied trying to provoke me by calling me names and trying to put me down. Please no tough advice on this, I know I was in the wrong but anger took over.

I woke up today dyed my hair, changed my number and feel like I'm officially done now. I know, I know I've said that many times now but this time is different. I'm 30 on Friday and I really can't be bothered with this drama anymore, I've been feeding it for weeks now and now I have to walk away. A wound can't heal if I keep poking it.

Changing your number was a good idea. Now he won't be able to contact you.

The OW isn't your problem and the contact with her will only make you come across as obsessed.

I agree with your comment about being codependent and would say that's good self reflection you've done.

Break ups can be difficult, but there are no guarantees of a relationship lasting forever.

I personally have the belief of never making a partner my whole world and centre of the universe. If you do this, you'll feel as you do at the moment.

Of course the manner in which a relationship ends can be especially heart breaking and cheating is soul destroying.

It takes a lot of resilience, not to crumble when these difficult life events happen.

It will take time, but don't rush it. Work on building your inner self up, so you don't get to ever feel suicidal and are better able to cope with difficult life events in the future.

Your Ex has become a very nasty piece of work. Keep remembering what he's been saying and his abusive messages when you say you still love him.

Hi OP
Hope your ok tonight

Again, don,t beat yourself up on this, it's understandable.
Women have done worse and I believe by the sound of your nature you were not aggresive but.....

Don,t give that piece of crap a stick to beat you with.
She's enjoying the drama if she,s contacted the police.
Have the police been in touch with you?
What have they said?

The only thing this will do is unite them with their shared fake anger.
It makes their guilt easier.

Vent on here
Your welcome to PM me

Hope you get some sleep
Sending hugs

Hi op,

I've just read the thread. My goodness you've been through the ringer. Well done you, you sound far far stronger.

I went through a similar big breakup when I was your age. It was hands down the best thing that ever happened to me.

I began serious therapy, stayed for two years and dealt with so much baggage I'd carried since childhood. I developed new hobbies - learned how to salsa dance, began running initially and generally opened my attitude to trying new things. Now, fifteen years later I am way fitter, more confident and generally a very happy person. I drink far far far less as I just don't want to waste my free time hungover. Life is just so much more fun now. I was previously crippled with self consciousness although you never would have known it.

I did stay single a few years as I just wanted to really figure out who I was and what I wanted in a partner. This isn't mandatory, I'm just giving you my experience.

It was a weird age to be single as all around me my friends were getting married. I didn't mind.

I had so many adventures and my career really took off. In hindsight I was an employer's dream as lots of women men my age wouldn't have been so open to overseas contracts. In reality I made lots of money. It was win win.

I met a lovely man, we have a beautiful child and we are getting married. I would never have attracted someone like him before - we have really similar attitudes to life.

Life hasn't been without its challenges (illness, bereavement) but I manage it in a way I never would have before.

You should truly truly believe a wonderful life is waiting for you.

Oh and by the way I think you are doing brilliantly. Anytime you ignore his calls is a win. Also, I can't believe nobody has pointed this out but they are not happy! She's with him but he phones you all the time and follows you around. They have already had one breakup. She feels the need to advertise their relationship all over SM. Nah, it doesn't add up. The lady doth protest too much.

Enjoy your new life and pity her - she's wasting her youth on this loser.

You've done the right thing blocking him.
As another poster said he isn't happy. If he was he wouldn't be turning up at your house or calling you. However, his unhappiness is own doing not yours.

You've got this!

@onthedunes no,still no contact from the police yet although as it's not classed as an emergency I wouldn't really say that's abnormal. I don't think she's making it up though. Can't quite get my head around her thought process when she's deliberately provoking me amd attempting to video call me at 1am after telling me to leave her alone, which I did.
Yesterday was my 30th and was the worst birthday of my life. Lots of tears and feeling sorry for myself but woke up today stronger knowing that it was the last birthday he will ever ruin for me.

@sandyY2k thank you for all your advice, I absolutely know everything you've said is true despite not wanting to admit it to myself.

@isthisnothing thank you for sharing your experience, I'm definitely nowhere near ready to be with anyone else. I've totally embarrassed myself at times by trying to throw myself at him and he's rejected me, really makes me crunge. My main focus is on improving my own self esteem and trying to like myself a bit more. At present I can't believe anyone would want me.

@baronesswrongcrowd thank you for your ongoing support it really does mean alot x

@Lonelynow happy birthday for yesterday. New hair colour, new start, new opportunities, new you. You can do this.

What's the betting he leaves her for someone else younger in a few years time. Once a cheat, always a cheat. They did you a favour

@Lonelynow

Thanks all. I've ruined it by speaking to him, he called me from a withheld number. Said truly awful things, I don't understand why he's being nasty now I'm leaving him alone. Makes no sense at all. Said it was all my fault that I had a miscarriage and that we struggled to conceive,said he didn't love me for years, I disgust him.

Drying my tears and won't be answering withheld calls anymore and picking myself back up again and carrying on. He's a disgusting human being.

WOW so nasty. Talk about trying to kick someone when they're down.

You are best off rid of him. Thank Goodness he's gone. What a loser.

@Lonelynow

My friend told me today to stop speaking about it because people are bored of me and will stop speaking to me. I know its true but has made me feel particularly shit, especially since I'm always the friend who will happily stay up all hours comforting my friends and listen to them regardless of how long and often we've spoken about it before. This healing and moving on business is hard. I think deep down I'm still waiting for him unintentionally which makes me feel crap because he's treated me absolutely terribly.

Sorry but that is not a real friend.

If they really were happy together I doubt they'd be video calling you etc and boasting on social media. Sounds like they're just caught up in their little infidelity drama. Wonder what it will be like for them when the thrill and novelty wears off.