Left for another woman

[user1469989812]

Not a regular posting here so not sure what Im expecting but just need to get it out. My partner of 10 years (no children) has left me for another woman. He went for a drink with her 2 weeks ago on Friday and didn't come home. I was up all night waiting, phoning around hospitals etc as thats never happened in the whole relationship. He returned Saturday afternoon and ended it with me stating he hadn't been happy for a long time and didn't love me anymore, but said there was noone else he'd been with friends and left.

He came for all his things Tuesday and admitted that he has been with a woman after all his stuff was loaded in his car. Insisted they hadn't slept together and it wasn't like that. I messaged the other woman who said they'd been speaking at work and gone for a drink and he stayed there but nothing happened. He then decided he couldn't leave, had made a mistake and came back and slept in our bed with me. Then went to work and came home and left properly this time. I have seen him a few times, well most days really but all his stuff is now gone and I have the key to our flat. He still says they aren't an item and haven't even slept together but I am of course not that naive, her social media gives the impression they are getting on brilliantly and she thinks he is the one already.

I feel so lost without him and have completely embarrassed myself begging for another chance. We've had a tough few years I've suffered with terrible depression and have definitely let myself go, followed by a miscarriage at Christmas which I really struggled to come to terms with but I thought we would get through it together.

How do I start to heal from this? I'm sat in our home crying constantly, I haven't eaten a thing since that awful Friday. I physically can't bring myself to do anything. I feel pathetic,embarrassed and worthless. I'm 30 next month and feel I've wasted my best years on him. I feel so alone.

Shes younger, more attractive and overall better than me it seems. I just want him back, I still feel like we're supposed to be together. I can't stop blaming myself and have this constant hope that he'll realize he's made a mistake.

Any advice to try and pull myself back together?

Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes I'm a wreck.

Just phoned 111 and have been referred to the CMHT and a few other organizations to try and get me some help and support. Thank you for all you lovely people who have offered your words of encouragement you really have helped me through.

OP Glad to hear you've called for help, they can support you through this, and you will get through it!

Please don,t be hard on yourself, this has affected so many people like this.
Take one day at a time, its the brain that needs to switch off, overthinking and analysing it will play its course.
The advice about trying to watch something thats easy to watch for you is good.
Only time will heal this, and it will heal.
Take care, sending hugs.

@onthedunes thank you. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind, going from wanting him back to wanting to ruin his life. I don't wish him the best or want him to be happy as much as I'd like to be the bigger person. I want him to be as miserable as I am.

OP don't worry about being the bigger person right now, you're going through a roller coaster of emotions which is very very normal. You are in shock at the moment.

When they have calmed down you'll see things more clearly. Just take each day as it comes, try to get through each day as best you can.

Hugs and more hugs

OP what are your plans for the day? Do you have work? Can you make a list of things to do like showering and having breakfast, put a wash on, short walk etc. There's nothing like ticking off the list as you go. Even these are small achievements.

Maybe a quick message to a friend just asking how they are?

Then maybe look up about going swimming or something?

One small thought to cheer you; the new love of his life is launching into a relationship with somebody that she knows has callously jettisoned his previous partner. I'd guess that deep down this might make her uneasy.
I know you two never married, but I think the French saying has some bearing; "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy."

[quote user1469989812]@onthedunes thank you. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind, going from wanting him back to wanting to ruin his life. I don't wish him the best or want him to be happy as much as I'd like to be the bigger person. I want him to be as miserable as I am.[/quote]
I completely understand this, your emotions will be everywhere at the moment, you really have had no time to adjust.
Many people adjust differently some quicker than others.

Its a question of acceptance.
Your are not not ready to accept.

As time goes on the pain will subside, belive that!

Then you will start to have more possitive thoughts and be receptive to those thoughts, and have more energy for those thoughts to proceed better.

You are obviously a 'deep thinker' so please take your time and look after yourself, little steps.

Feel free to privately message me if you wish.
Remember we are all concerned for you so let the good people of mumsnet help.
Sending hugs x

Hi, @twoshedsjackson as far as I'm aware they're no longer together but that could just be him lying to me, I do know he is now living at his mother's though and has been for a while now. He will get back with her though as they were tell each other they loved each other after 2 bloody weeks . I'm actually thinking he's not coping as well as I initially thought as he's turned up here steaming drunk twice now, and has been drinking excessively most days which is completely out of character for him. But i really struggle to feel bad for him.

Today wasn't great, I was refused medication (because of the recent overdose) but have an hour long consultation tomorrow with the community mental health team to try and convince them I need something to help me get through. I do feel they're taking me seriously as they seem very concerned about my level of distress and how poorly I am coping. Although the suggestion of relationship counciling had me a little bit .

One of my lovely friends who isn't local has told me she's sent me some shopping that a couple of other friends contributed too and is making the journey to see me at the weekend for a takeaway. So that's made me feel very grateful and also gives me something to look forward to.

@onthedunes I do agree, I am definitely not ready to accept and clinging onto every tiny piece of hope and all our memories. This doesn't necessarily mean I want or would ever have him back but it's hard to just let go of our 10 year relationship and accept that he isn't my person anymore.

Hoping for a positive outcome tomorrow and going to try and push myself to do some housework as the whole flat is a mess at the moment, embarrassing. Also going to force myself to do my hair and makeup and just try and feel a little bit more human.

Good luck today and just do what you can. One room at a time, maybe put some loud music on that you love or a true life podcast. I listen to 6 music and there is an advert on every day about the bbc true life crime podcasts and I always think of you!

It's lovely what your friends have done so you obviously have some who care a lot about you.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. Was getting kids back to school and dealing with a break up 'anniversary'. You'll find, as you progress, that the distress lessens but certain things, like birthdays or anniversaries, stir them up again, but not always to the same extent and the feelings change. I've got through all of mine now and I'm hopeful that I can keep progressing.

Something else I remember I found helpful in the early days was an app called Insight Timer. It has free meditations you can do - choose by type or length - and for a subscription also courses. There are a few about healing, moving on, dealing with difficult thoughts etc. They help fill the silence, stop your brain running off with negative thoughts and maybe even actually do what they say they will... try the freebies and see what you think. I still use the meditations even now.

You obviously have good friends who care and we're listening too, so keep going x

OP I’m in a similar sort of situation, my relationship of 7 years has ended and I feel beyond bereft. It’s the thought of him going on a date that I find the most painful, and eventually him marrying another girl. I also feel that nobody will ever get me in the same way that he does, or be as loving and supportive as he was. I’ve gone no contact now and struggling. Downloaded a dating app and felt even worse because I’m comparing everyone on there to him and they all fall short. I’ve also been googling ways to hang my self, ways to overdose etc. It really is shit. So big hugs to you and I’m watching your thread closely for tips, feel free to message me whenever if you need someone to chat to who understands xxx

Gosh you have not wasted your best years - I suspect if you have been with the same person between 20-30 you don’t know what you are missing!
Let him go. But be strong - men tend to like fan clubs and when he realises you have let him go he will be pawing at your door.
There are 5 kids in my family and we all met our life partners in either our 30s or 40s. We all have kids - my sister had her 3rd child at 41.
You life has just begun! He’s likely to have done you a favour - you are now free to find someone who adores you. Maybe you thought you were happy but if he’s not been happy then your relationship has been missing something. After 10 years it’s natural you are upset - but in a few years you will realise it was for the best.

@footprintsintheslow thank you. I've done a bit today, not as much as I had hoped yet but going to carry on and do little bits at a time. I had my assessment at 1 and will have a call at 4:30 with the results. I'm not very hopeful though and have a feeling they're just going to put me on a waiting list for CBT.

@canwecomeintotheoutnow I hope you're ok after the breakup anniversary. I have both of our birthdays to get through this month and feel so sad that I'll be spending my 30th without him. I will have a look at that app, thank you. I've currently got True Detective on as background noise while I try to potter around getting some things done.

@eveisthelady I'm so sorry you're going through this too, I really know exactly how you feel. Thinking of him being with anyone else really destroys me. I think he also blames me that it hasn't worked out with her but I really don't care. I've gone no contact too, very early days though and I've had several missed calls and texts asking if I'm ok but I am ignoring them. I expect he will turn up again at some point but I won't open the door. Please reach out for some help with your suicidal thoughts, I know how scary it is. Same goes for you if you need a chat just message me. I'm awake at all hours these days so please don't suffer alone if you need a chat. I find it easier to chat to strangers who are unbiased.

@ittakes2 thank you that's really encouraging to know, I guesse this just isn't how I thought my life would be at 30 years old but I am starting to feel hopeful that there is a way forward.

Well the review really didn't go as I hoped. Very, very low dose of citalapram has been offered and nothing else as apparently I can't have counciling if I'm suicidal, they won't accept me.

He turned up earlier after I ignored him all day, I told him if he doesn't want to be with me I didn't have to reply to him and tell him how I am anymore and closed the door....

But then I ruined it all by opening it again a few minutes later and begging him to come back to me and try and fix things. He said he does not want to try again because he could not do it anymore and things wouldn't get better, I laid on the floor and cried. Pathetic, he must be thinking what a catch I am. Then he went home said he didn't want to speak to me as he'd been at work all day and I demanded he sent me a photo of his mums tv to prove he was there. Yes I really have stooped that fucking low. I hate myself

Sweetheart, he is toying with you. For the sake of your own sanity please block him.

Why did he turn up?

I have blocked him again now @baronesswrongcrowd he went and stayed at hers last night and tried to lie about it so I'm officially done now. So exhausted with his games now I give up she can have him.

@footprintsintheslow no idea, because I ignored him he said and he wanted to check I was ok.

Ok love, I'm going to sound like I'm being a little harsh but I mean this with kindness.

You need to get a grip now. It's been a few weeks. The key to doing this is realising 1) he's behaved abysmally and this is not someone you want to be with long term; 2) you deserve better and 3) this is actually a great opportunity.

I went through a bad break up at a very similar age to you and it was dire. I remember drinking too much, howling with tears, sending messages I shouldn't have, generally falling apart and most of all thinking that 29 was old and I had wasted my best years.

What people don't tell you is that your 30s are wonderful. I'm now 32 and engaged and pregnant, in a great career following a year travelling the world. I look back on that relationship and know I dodged a bullet.

Getting from where you are now to where you need to be - self sufficient, full of self worth, happy - feels insurmountable right now, so take it step by step. First off, no more contact with him at all and definitely no more messing around with overdoses. Get out, get fresh air, walk, think, slowly start putting one foot in front of the other. Work out what makes you happy - it certainly isn't him. Do you work? Can you throw yourself into work for a bit? Could you go somewhere with a friend for a week or two for a change of scenery?

Take it day by day and you WILL get there. I promise. Keep posting. They key is to find happiness within yourself, but it can take time.

OP please keep posting. Even just to vent. Or if not here there is the Surviving Infidelity website forums.

Keep talking to people. You are not alone or pathetic. You are grieving the end of your relationship.

Hello. I have name changed now but I am the OP. Thank you Mumsnet for reinstating my thread. Its been my safe place these past few weeks.

Just wanted to give a little update. I've finally gone full no contact, very early days but I'm just prolonging my own pain. He isn't worth it, in the beginning it was friendly but he started to be quite nasty so I've blocked and deleted him. Booked 5 nights in a hotel so he can't just pop round and doesn't know where I am. I deserve to be happy and can't believe I have let that idiot make me feel this way for over a month.

I lost someone who didn't love or respect me enough to stay faithful and work through our issues, he lost someone who adored him and would have done absolutely anything for him. He is the loser in this.

Been to the gym today, started some new medication and trying to decide on a drastic hair colour change. I know there will still be very difficult days to come but I feel like I'm in a much better place now.

I'm glad you are doing things for you. The only way is up from now on!

Thank you @baronesswrongcrowd . I'm trying to stay positive and push through.