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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nanny keeps bringing her children!

264 replies

Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:04

Our nanny is amazing with DS. She loves him and treats him just as well and sensitive as I treat him. However she always brings her children with her and its really starting to stress me.

When we first hired her I told her in no way at all did I want her children around (this was the case with our previous babysitter) she agreed. Her first week in her son came once a week. 4 months down her children are always around and I am so angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. I am a very quite shy and even 'weak' person. I hate confrontations and arguments. DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

How can I nicely tell her to stop bringing her children round

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheBogey · 26/05/2020 21:05

If you don't like confrontation, could your husband tell her?

sqirrelfriends · 26/05/2020 21:07

Is this a lockdown situation? If so, you're being a bit harsh if she has nowhere to leave them.

If they're old enough to be left at home, or they can be left with someone else then you need to have a talk to her. There's no other way really.

KylieKoKo · 26/05/2020 21:08

She's probably finding it quite hard to find childcare at the moment so if you ask her not to bring them you risk losing her.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 26/05/2020 21:11

Before lockdown, I would have said you were absolutely within your rights, and I'd be looking to end her employment as she's (a) clearly not respecting you and (b) unable or unwilling to set up childcare that works for her job, so should find a better suiting opportunity.

HOWEVER we're not exactly in normal times right now. Employers around the world are having to be flexible about balancing childcare and paid work. You need to have a really frank conversation to understand if they're with you for that reason - and if so, see if there are ways you could make it work in the short to medium term or if not, whether that's because of covid risks or care standards, at least to furlough her temporarily (this can legally be done for childcare reasons).

If it's going to be a longer term issue then maybe you do need to part ways, but please do be sympathetic to another mother, with far fewer resources than you have, trying to make a living in the middle of a global pandemic.

Original poster
Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:12

This has nothing to do with lockdown, we hired her around a year ago and she first started of with them coming once a week, eventually the past 4 months of them coming everyday. Her husband is home due to the lockdown and her children aren't young. One is 16 and the other 13, she once mentioned she brings them because they enjoy our house (I hate sounding harsh but they are not financially well and I have noticed her children rather enjoy the unlimited snacks, wifi and drinks we have)

She brings her children simply because they enjoy our house

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:13

Like I mentioned before I would hate to part ways. She is fantastic with DS (14 months old). He loves her and his eyes shine everytime he sees her. I am grateful to have her however I am just not comfy with teens constantly in my house around my baby

OP posts:
Abbccc · 26/05/2020 21:14

That sounds very strange!

tenlittlecygnets · 26/05/2020 21:15

You're going to have to woman up and tell her not to bring her kids. She's ripping the piss out of you. Tell her in an email if it's easier

Original poster
Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:17

I may sound paranoid but there are so many things that could go wrong with two teenagers who I do not know constantly coming and going. Once I left work early and came to find her sons friend in my house! I was furious. She said he only dropped by to leave her sons homework I told her I did not want strangers in my house ever. I just wish that day I told her to not bring her children too. I hate that I am so weak :(

OP posts:
Igotta · 26/05/2020 21:17

What did you say when she first bought her DC?

TeddyIsaHe · 26/05/2020 21:19

What? Who on earth would ever allow this to happen?

cez88 · 26/05/2020 21:19

That's bizarre and very unprofessional on her part. She's treating your home like a doss house and I'm sorry but you're going to have to put your foot down. If you don't feel like you can confront her maybe do it by text? When I first read your post I assumed all the children were the same age so it seems strange to have a 16 year old and a 13 year old. Seems like you've been taken advantage of and now they're comfortable with the set up especially as they haven't been told that they've overstepped their boundaries

Original poster
Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:19

@BlameItOnTheBogey DH is being difficult and wants me to 'man up' he keeps saying I should tell her as I am the one who speaks and sees her.

@tenlittlecygnets I wish I could. I just want a polite way of telling her without hurting her feelings.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 26/05/2020 21:20

What the fuck!

scottishlass123 · 26/05/2020 21:20

Just say, 'you are a great Nanny, we are happy with the care you give to our child but my husband and I are not comfortable with your children being here, we just want our privacy. I did state when you took on the job that it would be just you and not your children. I hope you understand.' You are paying her as a nanny to look after your child, not to be using your home to entertain and feed her kids.

Original poster
Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:21

@cez88 DH says the same, they are taking advantage of us at this point. I find her children always sitting around snacking of food watching tv etc. They're very comfy here as the house is nice and they can find unlimited snacks.

I just need a nice polite way of telling her not to bring them.

OP posts:
KellyHall · 26/05/2020 21:22

Tell dh to grow a set of balls and tell her if he's annoyed, not tell you like he wants mummy to sort out the help ffs!

MarshaBradyo · 26/05/2020 21:22

That is odd

IHateCoronavirus · 26/05/2020 21:22

Would 16 yr old need DBS check to be around DC could you use that to support your POV

tenlittlecygnets · 26/05/2020 21:22

Why are you worried about hurting her feelings? She doesn't care about riding roughshod over yours!

cez88 · 26/05/2020 21:24

@scottishlass123 you are far too polite, I would tell them to p off and start treating this as your job not your second home 😂 I would also bill her for all the WiFi used and snacks eaten! 😂😂

sqirrelfriends · 26/05/2020 21:25

Fuck that, they're teenagers! I know your DS loves her but there are so many nanny's looking for work and I'm sure you will be able to find a great one that doesn't take the piss.

If I were you I would talk to her and say you are uncomfortable with her bringing her children as you like your own space. Tbh though I think she is likely to take liberties and just end up bringing them round again. At which point, get rid.

savehalloween · 26/05/2020 21:25

In a way it could be better to have your husband do it, if he's not got much of a relationship with her. A sort of good cop / bad cop approach.

But wow, I'd be putting a stop to that.

Troubledmummy3 · 26/05/2020 21:25

You need to have a conversation with her and be honest; tell her you can see her children obviously like coming round but that you hired her to care for your child and to give her focus to him...you are not being unreasonable and I know it won't be easy but you haven't really got any other choice

Supersimkin2 · 26/05/2020 21:25

She's using you in the rudest possible way.