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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nanny keeps bringing her children!

264 replies

Mella91 · 26/05/2020 21:04

Our nanny is amazing with DS. She loves him and treats him just as well and sensitive as I treat him. However she always brings her children with her and its really starting to stress me.

When we first hired her I told her in no way at all did I want her children around (this was the case with our previous babysitter) she agreed. Her first week in her son came once a week. 4 months down her children are always around and I am so angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. I am a very quite shy and even 'weak' person. I hate confrontations and arguments. DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

How can I nicely tell her to stop bringing her children round

OP posts:
noyoucannotcomein · 26/05/2020 23:34

@MrsSchadenfreude why did she have a bedroom at yours when she was a married woman?

listsandbudgets · 26/05/2020 23:36

I had some sympathy with the nanny given lockdown until I saw the age of the children.They do not need to be in your home OP... they want be

LunchBoxPolice · 26/05/2020 23:42

Are you in the UK?

She is taking the piss and you have let her.

ColdCottage · 26/05/2020 23:47

Maybe write her a nice card so you can put it across just the way you want to. In a nice way explaining how you think she is great but she can no longer bring her children over as originally set out, as lovely as they are you need your home to be just your family and her when she is working.

HollowTalk · 26/05/2020 23:53

I could absolutely understand if she had to take care of her own small children and lockdown meant she had to bring them with her if you wanted her to work.

But her kids are teenagers! Nobody brings kids that age to work. And for them to eat your food... Bloody hell, OP, grow a backbone. I'd fire her, tbh. I wouldn't trust her not to take food home for them.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 26/05/2020 23:54

I cannot believe ANYONE would allow this to continue for this long without addressing it.

You are a doormat, she knows this, as you have never challenged her and is accordingly taking the piss.

You need to start fresh with someone else, you will never get the correct balance now, with someone with such an obvious lack of respect

LightDrizzle · 26/05/2020 23:55

Much as your son adores her, the trust is gone and it is a gross breach of trust.

She has to go. If you have a soppy, apologetic conversation where you say she can’t bring the children; how is the relationship going to feel after that?
I know a family where the agreement from the first was that the nanny brought her tiny son to work, that was successful, I went to that boy’s wedding and his mum’s employer’s children were like siblings to him and all there.
This is entirely different. You made it clear at the start and it’s escalated.
As a parent you have to have a spine where your children are concerned.

Cherrysoup · 27/05/2020 00:20

16 and 13?! For real?! Of course they love it at yours, you’re funding their snacks! Tell her no, ffs!

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 27/05/2020 01:30

Tell her they are not insured to be on the premises

Dontletitbeyou · 27/05/2020 05:15

I’m a nanny . I’m a professional, I would never dream of taking my teenage children to work with me .
She is taking the piss, good and proper . Why would anyone want other people’s teenagers hanging around their house .
You need to be firm , you can do it in a cheerful non confrontational manner . Just tell her that you would prefer her attention to be on your child , and that having her own children around is a distraction , and you wanted to bring it up now and sort it out before it has a negative impact on the great relationship you have with her , and as she’s is so great with your DS, you would hate that.
You are not jeopardizing your relationship with her , she is .
If she don’t listen look for another nanny who will listen to and work within the boundaries you have set . Tbh , from here , she maybe good with your DS, but she doesn’t sound very professional to be ignoring something that you agreed at the interview .

SunshineCake · 27/05/2020 06:19

Nice card? Hmm.

ememem84 · 27/05/2020 06:44

Sky writing?

In all seriousness, I’d not be happy with this and would be having a chat with the nanny.

Someone above said that a cleaner bringing kids may have invalidated insurance. Do nannies have to have insurance? Not sure as have never employed one.

The other issue may be dbs checks.

But yes. Just speak to the nanny. It may be a difficult conversation but nothing will change unless you do. I’d also follow up with something in writing so you have it formally too.

mathanxiety · 27/05/2020 06:48

DH is being difficult and wants me to 'man up' he keeps saying I should tell her as I am the one who speaks and sees her.

Sorry, but that's actually very funny.

'Just do it'

'No, YOU do it'

'No, YOU do it'

'No, YOU do it'...

Not a single functioning set of balls between the pair of you.

Original poster
Mella91 · 27/05/2020 07:02

Hi,

Thank you all so much for your advice and oppinions. It means a lot to me. DH is not sexist one bit :) however he always mentions that I should be comfy with the staff (cook and nanny) and learn to speak up. He wants them to value my words and not feel like I am weak and its my husbands word who should be taken (which is obviously the case)

@Purplewithred I will start practicing in the mirror! love this idea - we once did speak about it I mentioned to her is there a problem the kids are always round and she said oh yes they love coming here and love DS and want to play with him and that her children are calm and don't cause any harm etc which completely shut me up. Then I was completely angry with myself for not saying - they don't have to cause harm they shouldn't be here etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 27/05/2020 07:06

Also we do not live in England. I am an expat living abroad so we have no contracts and insurance here

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2020 07:08

When are you seeing her next? I would just say “I don’t understand why your children keep coming here - when I hired you i specifically said that wouldn’t be ok. This isn’t what we agreed” and just repeat

Original poster
Mella91 · 27/05/2020 07:15

@WhitbyGoth

When the lockdown started we didn't want to stop her working as she needed the money and to be fair I could do with the extra help too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 27/05/2020 07:18

@crispysausagerolls Today. She works 5 days a week 9-5.

and we even had issues there. I work part time (not working now due to pandemic) however told her I want her home 9-5 everyday even if I am home as I could do with the help. She agreed. A month in she started asking for the odd time off (dentist, childs show at school, funeral etc) eventually it got to the point when I got home at 1pm she would want to leave. DH told her in no way whatsoever is she to leave again before 5 unless there is an emergency. For appointments she should inform us prior and it never happened again. This is why DH is fed up, he dislikes having to constantly warn her and says I should do the talking too

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2020 07:25

She sounds unreliable

Myfriendanxiety · 27/05/2020 07:29

If you get home at 1pm and are not working then is it clear to her what you expect her to do? Is she still taking care of DC at this time or are you doing it and she is doing household jobs? She probably feels very awkward having you there too and might need some clearer guidance on expectations while you are home.

crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2020 07:32

@myfriendanxiety

This is nonsense. A professional nanny will be used to the parents being home. My nanny is excellent and she is there to support me. She will just use her common sense and do what makes sense - if I need a rest she has DS. If I have DS she will do housework (she’s a housekeeper too).

This nanny is taking the piss. Yes, you need a nanny who is good with your child, but ultimately they need to be reliable and consistent. This nanny is neither. Nor is she trustworthy. She is fucking pointless and I would fire her based on your update. I hate people like this - being a nanny is not one of the jobs for someone who likes to try to squeeze time off etc.

Corruptedtongue · 27/05/2020 07:33

Is there such a thing as nanny insurance? Could you say she is covered, but not her sons, so they can’t come round as you are employing her. If an accident happens...

Stuckforthefourthtime · 27/05/2020 07:39

She and you have created an absolutely bizarre dynamic and she needs to go. As it's been under 2 years this should not be a complicated process - do you have a payroll agency, or did you hire via an agency? They can help advise on proper process.

If you're not working right now, then unless you have other needs not mentioned, the right thing to do would have been to furlough her anyway, as her services are not needed so why increase risk - but probably no point now.

When you are working, what is she needed for for the 20 hours when you are home and she is too? It's not a standard setup for a single young child, so if/when you get a new nanny you need to be clear on your roles when you're home and she is too.

BananaSpanner · 27/05/2020 07:40

Surely the easiest thing is just to find a nanny for when you return to work? Get rid of her in the mean time. Hire a cleaner if you still need help.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/05/2020 07:42

Are you paying her decently? Because it sounds like she sees herself as a friend/relative/helper rather than professional employee and I wonder whether that's because you've not treated her as a professional? Does she have a contract, written hours and decent hourly pay or salary?