Nanny keeps bringing her children!

[Mella91]

Our nanny is amazing with DS. She loves him and treats him just as well and sensitive as I treat him. However she always brings her children with her and its really starting to stress me.

When we first hired her I told her in no way at all did I want her children around (this was the case with our previous babysitter) she agreed. Her first week in her son came once a week. 4 months down her children are always around and I am so angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. I am a very quite shy and even 'weak' person. I hate confrontations and arguments. DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

How can I nicely tell her to stop bringing her children round

[Yeahnahmum]

Good job op for doing what you did. Your nanny was a CF by bringing her teenagers with her. Next time be firm. Tell the future nanny no kids in the house. Or just draw up a little contract. Always do and say what feels right for you in your own home. X

[Mella91]

@HedgeHogFoxBadger Hi, I did mention a few times before the snack part wasn't my issue :) It was just the fact that I didn't want other peoples children at my house constantly. After I told her she always looked down and was visibly upset which just made it clear to me that we had come to an end. Like I said I will forever be grateful of the way she looked after DS and I would be very lucky if I find someone else here who looks after DS the same way.


@Wishingstarr This time I have more experience. Thank you for the tips, i will 100% put it in writing and be very clear from the start if something goes wrong. I blame myself for this whole situation, the first time she brought her kids I should have told her straightaway 'we spoke and I said I didn't want kids'. I thought it was a one off, kept quite until it became a regular thing.

[HedgeHogFoxBadger]

This has made me feel sad tonight, I was backing you OP but there was mention of you being in Turkey in your original post.
The only way I would ever hire a nanny in this country (UK) is through an agency and with qualifications. An au pair doesnt have qualifications and is more suited to older children.
She wanted to be part of your family, she had a good bond with you DC, ok her kids ate your snacks, I get that and thats not fair but she cared for you child how you wanted her too and you are in another country which we didnt know about!
I think its nice her children want to come and help (ok sending the child to look after you DC is a bit extreme) but it is nice they want to make relattionships but again you can put the rules in place.....

[madcatladyforever]

Ah just read your update.

[madcatladyforever]

16 and 13!!! You are having a laugh.
All you need to say is, It is a condition of your employment if you remember that you do not bring your children to work with you.
If this continues I'm afraid I will have to reconsider your employment here.
FF's what a flaming cheek - eating all your snacks too.

[HedgeHogFoxBadger]

She sees herself as part of the family bless her.
Is she a level 3 qualified nanny or an au pair?

[HedgeHogFoxBadger]

Ah so it makes sense now you say you are in turkey. Very different to the uk.
I feel a bit sorry for the nanny

[RantyAnty]

I understand it's now a cultural thing.
She does seem wonderful and caring.

Do the teens have school during the day or something they can do during the day?

[Wishingstarr]

For the next nanny be very clear about your expectations, put them in writing and translate as necessary to be absolutely sure you understand each other. Problems happen so much of the time due to unspoken assumptions. Ask if they have questions and concerns and let them know you are always open to hearing and listening, to try and get ahead of any potential problems. Give concrete examples of what would NOT be ok. I worked in recruiting and also student exchange. The best thing to avoid cultural problems is to be very up front and explicit about what you want. Otherwise everyone has to fall back on their own cultural assumptions which may be different.

You of course don't want to be patronizing but don't assume anything. Maybe tell your nanny you apologize if you are stating anything she/he thinks is obvious but you want to avoid problems.

An example might be cleanliness (as we found of course different families have different expectations). Show the room or area you want to be tidied after your child in its clean and tidy state and say "it should look like this", if that is important.

Anything that is particularly important to you or a priority for your family make sure that you have communicated clearly about it. Also set time aside at least once a month to sit with your nanny and do a debrief without your child and "check-in" to make sure you are on the same page to nip issues in the bud.

If you struggle enforcing boundaries you could find an agency who would be the go-between and so you have a buffer and someone who can help iron out problems and negotiate.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

You've done the right thing, Mella; the boundaries were already being pushed too far, and to send her daughter without discussing it first - especially after your recent conversation - was just ridiculous, as was the thoroughly unprofessional sulking

Had you not dealt with this, your home, wifi and food may well have become a complete free for all, so well done for addressing it firmly

[Beautiful3]

What a shame it turned out this way @Mella91. At least it's all been dealt with. I'm surprised at her for sulking, I cannot imagine her next employer being as nice as you.

[Mella91]

@Aclh13 I am an english teacher here but currently on paid leave due to corona - I wont be back in for work until September.

@IHateCoronavirus I am going to have to send a message privately, I am interested in this preschool group idea

@NiknicK aww a nice bitter soul. Love myself some bitter people who hate on other peoples 'privileged' lifestyles.



We have finally decided to end our relationship with nanny. On Monday she was sick so sent her daughter to help out. I sent the daughter back, called our nanny and told her we spoke just the other day and I told you I didn't want your children round. Even if you are sick you cannot just send replacement without speaking to me first. She came Tues and Wends sulking, down and visibly hurt by my refusal. I sat her down and said it seems this just isn't going to work, we will look for a new nanny and you should look for another employer. She said she tried to do her best etc I told her she should be more honest with next employer with what she expects etc.

I am quite upset with how everything turned out, I think this whole experience has been a lesson for me and hopefully I wont have to deal with anything like this again with a new nanny (hopefully I'll be able to find someone until Sep). I have to say our nanny did look after DS wonderfully this past year and I will forever be grateful for that.

[Aclh13]

I've read back through the chat and she has been entirely unprofessional. It is a job at the end of the day and you wouldn't be able to take your children to the office so why on earth would it be OK to take them to your employers house. How on earth can her full attention be on doing her job when she is also caring for her own children at the same time? I get that she might not always get them the food they want all the time ect but that isn't your problem, you are not a family member you are an EMPLOYER. you honestly need to stop being so naive and lay down the rules. It seems as if she saw an way in to your home by basically caring for your baby so her children are fed all the time and on your WiFi she is saving so much by doing that. You laid rules down in the beginning that is verbally a contractual agreement, she has now broken that and showed she didn't take it serious by her response. Can I ask what your job is I didn't see it mentioned previously?

[managedmis]

This is entirely your fault, op.

This supposedly kind hearted nanny saw you coming, didn't she?

[hotsouple]

Well when the male sex stops sexually assaulting at a higher rate than the female sex I will start trusting them more. Until then, I can't compromise my safety or child's safety for their feelings.

[NoMoreDickheads]

You set out from the start what you expected of her and what you didn't want, what you were paying for, and she has breached it.

I'm glad if it's hopefully starting to get sorted out.

DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

If your DH is more comfortable saying stuff than you, you could ask him to sort out any problems with them etc in future. x

[crispysausagerolls]

Did they come today?

[BitOfFun]

@CanICelebrate

There a are child safeguarding issues here. I wouldn't want teen boys and their friends having unsupervised access to my house and small child. Things do happen.

This is a bit harsh! My teenage ds babysits regularly for small children and enjoys it. It’s awful that you’d judge them for being boys Even cute little toddler boys grow up and they don’t all grow into predators!

Nobody is saying that teenage boys are uniformly dangerous, but it's unrealistic to expect anybody to ignore the possible risks of strangers ("and their friends") left alone with your children in the home.

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

@NiknicK she’s said up thread she has a nanny as she works full time and although she doesn’t need a nanny at the moment she keeps her on so her nanny doesn’t suffer finically.

You sound like you’re very rude and judgemental.

[CanICelebrate]

@NiknicK FFS that’s unnecessarily rude

[CanICelebrate]

There a are child safeguarding issues here. I wouldn't want teen boys and their friends having unsupervised access to my house and small child. Things do happen.

This is a bit harsh! My teenage ds babysits regularly for small children and enjoys it. It’s awful that you’d judge them for being boys Even cute little toddler boys grow up and they don’t all grow into predators!

[MrsSchadenfreude]

That’s kind and constructive, NiknicK.

[notchickenagain]

How was nanny yesterday?

[NiknicK]

Or here’s an idea. Get rid of the nanny and look after your child yourself! You sound so stuck up and entitled.

[mathanxiety]

I would have thought that the FO would be keen that personnel and families would leave a good impression wherever they went, which isn't possible if they are unaware of how they may be coming across to the locals they are interacting with. A corporation mightn't have the same motivation.

at the dinner party instructions and English lessons though. Your DH's response was very funny