Nanny keeps bringing her children!

[Mella91]

Our nanny is amazing with DS. She loves him and treats him just as well and sensitive as I treat him. However she always brings her children with her and its really starting to stress me.

When we first hired her I told her in no way at all did I want her children around (this was the case with our previous babysitter) she agreed. Her first week in her son came once a week. 4 months down her children are always around and I am so angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. I am a very quite shy and even 'weak' person. I hate confrontations and arguments. DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

How can I nicely tell her to stop bringing her children round

@IHateCoronavirus DH works for the British Embassy here in Turkey. When I first moved here the idea was just for 2 years and then DH would continue his job in UK. However it has been 5 years and will probably be a lot longer as DH loves his job, is payed well and our lifestyle is a lot better here compared to how it would be in UK.

We do want DS to learn the Turkish language however this will naturally happen when he starts daycare 2 years later

OP have you tried explaining that it is two cultures clashing. "Your family is lovely but to the british it is usually very important to have as few people as possible in the home unless we have invited that specific individual. We have invited you by asking you to become our nanny, if we invite your children it would be for that visit only. Coming without an invitation is considered rude, I know you would not do that deliberately but as we are british we cannot help finding it very difficult. Please don't bring your children here unless we invite them to an event".

At the moment it seems like you are neither fully understanding the others way of thinking. Neither is wrong or right (although I would 100% not want extra people in my home!) but by explaining it is different cultures she might understand a little better that it is not against her children but difficulty with the societal set up.

Mella91 DS will pick up the language very quickly and having an additional language at such a young age will be fantastic for him. As you will know communicating in Turkey successfully relies on so much more than just being able to speak the language. If he will one day be negotiating Turkish society independently, being fluent in the ways of the Turk will be a huge advantage.

Will he be going to anasinif with expats or Turks?
After much debate we ended up sending our children to the local Devlet okul (it was between that and MEF) which was an experience in itself but they really became part of the local community and the emotional benefits far outweighed any negatives I thought we might find.

You have to do what suits your family’s needs, but your bakaci will not be being the CF pp are thinking. She will be coming from a place of respect and genuine love for your child and family, she is just getting it wrong as it is so far removed from anything she knows. I am sure she will be deeply sorry and embarrassed if she has done something wrong or caused your family distress which I think both you and DH already appreciate hence the difficulty you both experienced confronting her.

Yes, what Binglebong said. I remember when a neighbour inviting me around for tea every time she saw me. I always agreed, but never went as she never told me when to go.
Then, one day she was heartbroken and asked why I never went to her. I explained I was waiting for a time and date. She was mortified in her mind I was welcome anytime day or night and she felt ashamed that she had made me feel anything less than that. I tried me hardest to explain that in my culture going without a time or date would be bad manners but she still found it difficult to comprehend and still ashamed. It was just a cultural misunderstanding but it hurt her more than me.

Did they show up today?

Well done for biting the bullet

OP well done for talking to her about it.. this is your family home .. your space.. your private space... so credit to you for finding a way of bringing it up..

@IHateCoronavirus We are considering private for now (a full english speaking nursery and then a Turkish speaking private school (we are considering TED schools as they say it is the best.. any information will be welcome)

@crispysausagerolls No they didn't. I am waiting to see if they will turn up today.. I just don't know what to say if they do turn up.

Also even though I said she was ok yesterday I did notice that she was less talkative and feeling a little down yesterday. She also didn't help at home much too which she usually does. DH thinks we should give her a week and if she is throwing a strop and not helping around due to her children not being welcome we should just get rid (its even more upsetting because we have been so tolerant yet I feel she doesn't do her part - we don't even need a nanny now! I have been off work for 2 months and I will be off work until September (I am a private school english teacher) The only reason she is coming is so she isn't out of work and doesn't struggle with finances.

@IHateCoronavirus I had the same issue re time and date too. My co worker kept casually throwing 'come round to mine' 'we should have dinner at mine' etc and I kept saying yes that will be lovely waiting for a date she will invite until after one time I said 'yes I will come' she said well you never do come, I am starting to think you want your distance.

I explained to her that I was waiting for a date which she was shocked by and invited me that weekend.

I can’t remember anything about TED schools unfortunately, but we were quite taken by MEF as the split the day in to 50% English and %50 Turkish for all age children.

In the end by the time our oldest started school, we felt so comfortable in the local community that the devlet Okul was our choice. We stayed for 9 and a bit years then moved back to London. The children were all placed in top sets and specifically their maths was praised for being a few years advanced to that of the Uk curriculum.

I am also a teacher and when based there did English teaching. I’m not sure which age you teach but, I found the call from preschool English was huge. I ended up running classes of 10 children, aged 4+, and kept mine with me. (Might that be a solution, then your space is completely your own?)

The benefits for my own children was socialisation and learning to share my attention, take part in fun structured activities, and they loved playing with friends. For my Turkish students, they had three little English speaking examples (well eventually my youngest was a baby when I started but in some ways they tried even harder to talk English to her ).

Each group ran for 1hr and I did two in the morning and one in the afternoon most days. I kept older child/adult education to the times the children were asleep. I also did sessions in the local schools again taking the children with me.

We all look back on that time fondly. It worked really well for us and might help you to have your privacy and still work?

Your DH is right - good plan. If the sulking continues sit her down with your DH and just explain this is not personal, you made it clear at the beginning and if she is unhappy with that it won’t work. By all means explain you have been having her there despite not needing her and are happy to continue but not if she is offended or sulking over an original agreement!

Shes a cf

Does the FO not give diplomatic families any kind of a cultural handbook for families being posted abroad?

It strikes me that there are some very basic cultural clashes going on here (unspecified tea dates, what to expect from your nanny and what your nanny may expect from you, a hint that you shouldn't expect things to be the same as they are in the UK) that you shouldn't have had to find out about the hard way.

mathanxiety my DH works for a well known international organisation. When being posted in Turkey we received nothing in terms of support (not a bad thing as it turns out as it meant we got stuck in there with the locals).

The best guidance we ever received was when being posted back in London. We were offered lessons in hosting dinner parties and even English lessons. I told my DF that I was going to be taught how to speak English and he said “about bloody time too!”

DH thinks we should give her a week and if she is throwing a strop and not helping around due to her children not being welcome we should just get rid

Your DH sounds like a wise man

I would have thought that the FO would be keen that personnel and families would leave a good impression wherever they went, which isn't possible if they are unaware of how they may be coming across to the locals they are interacting with. A corporation mightn't have the same motivation.

at the dinner party instructions and English lessons though. Your DH's response was very funny

Or here’s an idea. Get rid of the nanny and look after your child yourself! You sound so stuck up and entitled.

How was nanny yesterday?

That’s kind and constructive, NiknicK.

There a are child safeguarding issues here. I wouldn't want teen boys and their friends having unsupervised access to my house and small child. Things do happen.

This is a bit harsh! My teenage ds babysits regularly for small children and enjoys it. It’s awful that you’d judge them for being boys Even cute little toddler boys grow up and they don’t all grow into predators!

@NiknicK FFS that’s unnecessarily rude

@NiknicK she’s said up thread she has a nanny as she works full time and although she doesn’t need a nanny at the moment she keeps her on so her nanny doesn’t suffer finically.

You sound like you’re very rude and judgemental.

@CanICelebrate

There a are child safeguarding issues here. I wouldn't want teen boys and their friends having unsupervised access to my house and small child. Things do happen.

This is a bit harsh! My teenage ds babysits regularly for small children and enjoys it. It’s awful that you’d judge them for being boys Even cute little toddler boys grow up and they don’t all grow into predators!

Nobody is saying that teenage boys are uniformly dangerous, but it's unrealistic to expect anybody to ignore the possible risks of strangers ("and their friends") left alone with your children in the home.

Did they come today?

You set out from the start what you expected of her and what you didn't want, what you were paying for, and she has breached it.

I'm glad if it's hopefully starting to get sorted out.

DH is starting to get really annoyed with me and just wants me to tell her to stop bringing her children.

If your DH is more comfortable saying stuff than you, you could ask him to sort out any problems with them etc in future. x

Well when the male sex stops sexually assaulting at a higher rate than the female sex I will start trusting them more. Until then, I can't compromise my safety or child's safety for their feelings.