My husband touched me in my sleep...

[missbecks90]

So I've been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have children together and for the most part things have been good. Recently I've woken up to him sexually touching me when I'm asleep, I've confronted him about it and he swears blind he has no idea he's doing it. Problem is I pretended to be asleep a few weeks back to see if he really was or not, I moved slightly like I was stirring and he stopped. Once I acted like I was asleep again he started touching me again...I feel violated & dirty but I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion to? I feel guilt because I've not wanted to have sex with him in a long time and I feel like it's my fault. Anyone else been through this?

Thanks for coming back OP, I’m glad you’re going to speak to your friend

He's not mentioned it again since and it hasn't happened again since we are just almost pretending like it never happened....or at least he is.

Op this shows you he was doing it on purpose surely?

Funny how it’s stopped now he’s been caught out.

Hope you are coping op, and really hope you’re planning a way out.

I just don't know what to do in all honesty, my heads all over the place at the moment.

Thankyou all for your comments it does really help.

Isn't the point to stop the behaviour?
He's been a tool, either make him work to rebuild your trust which will take time (i.e 6 months+) or hit him and it'll end.

Cue the inevitable LTB, he won't change comments.

@missbecks90 I'm sorry this has happened and you've been sexually assaulted twice by your partner. It's quite a shock to think that someone you love and trust, could do something like this. It will take time to process.

Do you think talking to an organisation like Rape Crisis would be useful? They have a chat facility which means that you can talk anonymously to a professional about this and they can perhaps help clarify things for you.

You are in no way to blame for this. You aren't responsible for anyone's behaviour, only your own. He chooses to sexually assault you and he knows that what he's doing is wrong. He doesn't have a 'condition'.

"I definitely need to sit down and speak to him about it because I don't think he understands just how traumatised I still am over it."

You definitely need to tell him two things. Firstly, his abusive behaviour isn't just a harmless bit of fun. Its deeply wrong and has left you traumatised. Secondly, you've lost all desire for him, and this abuse isn't the cause but its definitely cemented it, and there's no real hope of it coming back.

Cue the inevitable LTB, he won't change comments.

He is a sexual abuser. If he’s gotten to adulthood without understanding even the basic principles of consent, and he has no regard for the bodily autonomy of even his own wife who he’s supposed to love, why do you think he will change?

I'm so sorry OP, I hope you are ok, well as ok that can be expected.

Both myself and partner have touched each other in our sleep and I have consented to be touched in my sleep, but that is because we are trying to wake the other up (not trying to get away with doing something without the other knowing), if either of us aren't interested then nothing happens. There have been times I can't remember doing it, or I know he is sleeping when he has done it because then I'll be 'in the mood' and he'll start snoring. I believe that even when you are genuinely sleeping you have an awareness of who is next to you and if it is acceptable - because I certainly haven't done it to anyone else!

That is the difference that some people don't seem to be able to understand. If my partner knew I would not like it and did it anyway or they were PRETENDING to be asleep while doing it I would feel completely violated, as you do. As pp have said, the lack of sex is a separate issue. This is a complete breach of trust. I hope counselling helps.

Hi guys just wanted to update, today I spoke to someone on their live chat at rape crisis. They were helpful and have reinforced everything you guys have also said. He seems pretty off with me today so I think he's finally starting to realise that something is on my mind.

Hopefully soon it will be brought up and I can get my feeling across.

OP what you did today was really brave. Well done.

I am so glad you’ve spoken to someone, it’s a great first step

Yeah. Technically sexual assault

Thankyou I can only take each day as it comes. I appreciate everyone's comments, I really do.

@Deathgrip as i am living proof. I had a similar situation during my sleep in my early 20s, scared the hell out of my girlfriend at the time so ofc we split (don't blame her!). It worried the hell out of me, went to GP, referred and then got diagnosed with BPD & medicated - hasn't happened since. Should I be treated as a leper then?

It's not similar, vretz. Op's bloke is awake - consciously and stealthily assaulting her.

Slightly different there isn’t it?

1. You were asleep, he isn’t
2. It concerned you so you sought help for it

Completely different scenario

Had your response been too keep sleeping in the same bed and not bother seeing a doctor, because you didn’t give a shit about her feelings, that may put you in a similar category.

@NoMoreDickheads i think you're making very personal attacks on me here. Please stop. I am fully aware of what consent is and isn't.

Hi everyone, Just a quick update. OH tried to initiate sex this morning & I point blank refused so the convo was then started on why.

I told him I had asked him a couple times to speak to someone regarding what happened as when isolation ends and councillors are open again I will be visiting them to help me get over what happened. He then came back with "well I've told you I'm sorry and who am I meant to speak to?" To which I replied "a doctor or councillor or another help professional, because this isn't just going to go away because your trying to sweep it under the carpet"

He's still swearing blind he has no recollection of what happened & that he wasn't awake - this to me is BS (which I've told him) because he says he knows for a fact he hasn't put his fingers in me...if he had no recollection he wouldn't know details like that either way.

I'm so annoyed right now and I have told him that unless he gets himself help or at least tries to rectify the situation I won't hang around let alone have sex with him. He just doesn't see this as a big of a deal as I do obviously but I'm not letting it slide.

The ball is in his court.

As far as I'm aware, if a counciler, especially an NHS one heard of something that could be abuse and that person is identified, they might be duty bound to record that or report him. Not sure if you're aware of this.

I think this depends on context. I have been half awake in the middle of the night and felt my ex doing this kind of thing and because we are twined around each other and our marriage was fine at the time didn't think any more of it - probably did the same with her in similar circumstances. Usually several drinks were involved

HOWEVER if it is frequent and when you are dead to the world and it makes you feel uncomfortable then that is not right and it sounds like you feel you are violated.

One swift conversation then outski if it happens again