My husband touched me in my sleep...

[missbecks90]

So I've been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have children together and for the most part things have been good. Recently I've woken up to him sexually touching me when I'm asleep, I've confronted him about it and he swears blind he has no idea he's doing it. Problem is I pretended to be asleep a few weeks back to see if he really was or not, I moved slightly like I was stirring and he stopped. Once I acted like I was asleep again he started touching me again...I feel violated & dirty but I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion to? I feel guilt because I've not wanted to have sex with him in a long time and I feel like it's my fault. Anyone else been through this?

My ex used to do this. At the time I didn't realise it was abusive. I'd been abused as a child which he knew about. And then he made me feel unsafe and vulnerable by doing this. He pleaded it wasn't anything horrible that he thought I'd wake up randy and ready to have sex with him. But this happened over and over again. He saw how upset it made me. I'd wake up really freaked out.

It stopped for a few years and I started to feel secure again. Then went through a spell where I had ill health and couldn't have sex. And I woke up to him having sex with me...and he wouldn't stop. I'd let him get away with it before so he didn't think I'd do anything this time....I left him

Still to this day I think he doesn't see anything at all wrong with what he did. And I've carried the secret with me since. I don't want my children to know. And I still recoil when I see his fucking horrible face.

Please make it clear to him that this abuse. Tell him if it happens again you will report him. Leave if he won't take you seriously xx

You do need to leave though so cant in the first instance just tell them itsover

Sorry you’re going through this OP. I agree with other posters that there is no way back from this. You will always wonder what he has been doing to you while you’re asleep even if he swears he stopped.

Being abused while you sleep is not the solution to not having sex. I would figure out the best way to leave and don’t explain what happened to your family if you don’t want to. I think if you wait you’ll only end up feeling worse in yourself and never be happy. And please ignore the horrible comments from @TheClootieDumplin

Hope everything gets better for you.

Er well it's not so-called 'sexsomnia' as you tested him, and he stopped when he thought you were waking up then went back to groping you when he thought you were back to sleep

OP you have the ick and have probably fallen out of love with him because he's shown himself to be a disgusting rapey shit who lies to you.

This isn't your mothers' relationship, it's sad as she's thinking of herself here really, not you - much 'nicer' to have your DD settled in a 2.4 kids nice family and pretend all is ok. She's letting you down, but you know that.

I couldn't stay with someone like this - the decision would be out of my hands - I couldn't bring myself to have a physical relationship with him any more, it would sicken me. So that's no marriage.

You seem to be in the same position and it is ENTIRELY his fault.

@Mintjulia before you do anything else, you need to explain to your DH why this is so totally unacceptable. Make it crystal clear that consent cannot be given when asleep, that his actions are sexual assault, and that he has completely breached your trust in him

He's an adult. He DOES NOT need telling that he didn't have his wife's consent!! Stop infantilising him, consent isn't complicated.

Tell him that if it happens again, you will move into the spare room and lock the door every night

Don't wait until it happens again, op. You have no idea how many times it has already happened, and I wouldn't be giving him any more opportunities to do it again.

Your mother's feelings are not as important as yours. Don't make them the reason you are staying.

You've spoken to your H, told him why it wasn't right and that you weren't happy bwith his behaviour, and he simply isn't listening to you. He's made no effort to to get counselling.

That he's been touching you in your sleep, and isn't doing anything about resolving this, shows me that he feels entitled to touch you, and I reckon his behaviour will escalate.

Your DC will pick up on the change in atmosphere that would result, and this could cause them damage in the long run.

Op, you don't need counseling because you don't want sex. Not wanting sex is not shameful or wrong. To the poster who said what's the point in sharing a bed if you are not having sex: grow up. I guess when you're on your period you exclude yourself to an outbuilding? Having sex with your partner is not a legal or moral right.

That is obviously totally wrong. The marriage must be failing however for you to not want sex. Maybe you need couples counselling if you do want to work at without sex a marriage is only a friendship. Explore why you don’t want that side of the relationship anymore

Sorry just to be clear I’m not saying that behaviour is any way justified of course

I wouldn't be happy with this.

I've been known to climb aboard DPs 'morning glory' to wake him up and my dp will sometimes perform oral or whatever. And it leads onto sex. The difference being we've consented to it, it's something we like.

If he just started randomly poking around one morning with no previous discussion I'd consider it assault. Id find the fact he denied it even worse tbh.

I pretended to be asleep a few weeks back to see if he really was or not, I moved slightly like I was stirring and he stopped. Once I acted like I was asleep again he started touching me again

He's doing it deliberately OP....and you're falling for his 'innocent' act and making excuses for him!
He doesn't have sexsomnia....he's choosing to do this deliberately when he thinks you're asleep
Don't let him gaslight you!

@Skyla2005 The marriage must be failing however for you to not want sex

Not necessarily. There are many reason why a person cannot/does not want sex.

Ok. So I had a boyfriend who I woke up to having sex with me. I remember he was totally asleep. He woke up and freaked out. Like he was horrified. Curled up in a corner crying type of freaking out. Plus I'd seen it too. We went to a dr who said that sometimes in a very deep sleep when incredibly stressed. This can happen.

I know this man. I know he was asleep. I'm just saying it can happen. There are cases of it.

However. If you knew he was awake

That's a totally different story.

Ok. I re read the post

Apologies. No. That's not what happened to me. It was ONCE.

No. Your story is totally different. I would leave. For sure.

If he cornered you and forced his hands into your underwear and inside you, while you were awake and could attempt to fight him, off would you leave him? And tell your mum why?

What he's done is the even more cowardly version, he attacked you when you were totally vulnerable.

Sadly I posted something very similar to this back in July. I have tried and tried to put it out of my mind for the sake of my children but lockdown has left me with nothing to distract me from my thoughts and feelings and I am starting to realised just how traumatised I am from it all. He hasn't done it since (that I know of), but I now sleep facing him as I am scared he will do it again. Having that constantly in the back of your head is horrific. I also find myself obsessing over it thinking what must of been going through his head when he saw me there sound asleep, creeped across the bed and put his fingers inside my vagina. I have now realised that this is not something I can control or decide.. he decided our fate when he did that to the mother of his children. There is something seriously wrong with a man who will do this to a woman in her sleep and we shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to accept it. I don't want to stick around to find out what my husband will do next so I plan to leave. I haven't had the courage to do so yet but this is all just happening to me over the past few weeks. Some kind of delayed post traumatic stress I think!! I'm so sorry you are going through this too but I can promise you you won't get over it. Having sex with him again will make you feel awful.

Mummy I'm so sorry this has happened to you to :(

My OH used to do this, grope my boobs and crotch in my sleep. He also said he didn't realise he was doing it and I believed him. It would irritate me more than anything else, but he never did more than touch. However you know your situation best and you know how you feel about this/what it is like, so you can decide how you want to respond. If he is consciously touching you when you have said not to, then that is not on at all.

Probably not what you want to hear there is a whole porn subgenre dedicated to this action.

I'm sorry you've been violated this way.

Please ignore anyone making thinly veiled comments blaming you for not wanting sex. They’re frankly idiots.

I’m also going through the same. Right down to my mum telling me to make a go of it (despite me breaking down and telling her after a year of it happening). I also pretended to me asleep to ‘test’ if he’d stop. It’s a normal response to an abnormal situation - it’s so big that someone you trust is doing that, that your brain almost shuts it out to protect you. I’d even wake up and act normal or have sex. I’m so very sorry it’s happening to you too. I’m still debating the best way forward for the kids, and me (well I know what’s best for me. But it will destroy their lives as they know it). xx

OP I can relate to how you are feeling. I recently ended a relationship and this was the main reason, amongst being controlling etc but this was what affected me the most.

It happened 4 times within a time frame of a year. Every time it happened he had been drinking a lot. He claimed he didn't know he was doing it.

The last time it happened he was very drunk and he was very forceful. It has been engrained in my mind ever since.

I just could not look at him the same after that. I was nervous to go to sleep next to him, so much so that if he was staying over at mine for the night I would go to the other room as soon as he went to sleep.

I Googled everything I could find about sexsomnia. To this day I don't know if it was this or he was jusy horny and wanted his way after drinking.

The feeling I just can't describe. The only way I can is that I felt like a piece of meat. I was pushing his hands away and then he just kept carrying on but each time more determined. (on that particular occasion we had people staying over so I had no spare room or sofa to go to).

It was a newish relationship so for me it was easier to walk away. I would make a bed up in the spare room for him and process how you want to go forward.

You should not be afraid in your own bed!

Wishing you the best OP. I know it's not easy.

@GingerBeverage there is a porn section just about touching people in their sleep? Men are so fucking weird. I always wonder what my husband gets out of touching me in my sleep. I just don't understand how that can be enjoyable?!!!