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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband touched me in my sleep...

181 replies

missbecks90 · 16/05/2020 12:39

So I've been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have children together and for the most part things have been good. Recently I've woken up to him sexually touching me when I'm asleep, I've confronted him about it and he swears blind he has no idea he's doing it. Problem is I pretended to be asleep a few weeks back to see if he really was or not, I moved slightly like I was stirring and he stopped. Once I acted like I was asleep again he started touching me again...I feel violated & dirty but I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion to? I feel guilt because I've not wanted to have sex with him in a long time and I feel like it's my fault. Anyone else been through this?

OP posts:
Gobbycop · 16/05/2020 15:04

You're not blowing it out of proportion.

He's a wrongun that's sexually assaulting you while you sleep.

Greenkit · 16/05/2020 15:26

There are two issues here

  1. Your relationship has broken down to the point you no longer wish to have sex with your husband.

Is this fixable?

  1. He is touching you sexually as you sleep.

I would be saying to him, I'm not f**king stupid I know you know what your doing and it's not acceptable. So stop now or I go to the police.

So is your marriage worth saving or not?

Either fix the problems within your marriage or cut him lose.

Original poster
missbecks90 · 16/05/2020 16:20

Thankyou all for your replies. I guess I've got to figure out what to do, it's a scary situation to be in for many reasons but it's also scary the thought of walking away from all I've known for 8 years. I'll take everyone's advice onboard though, please know I am so great full for it x

OP posts:
GingerBeverage · 16/05/2020 16:44

Mummy - yes I'm afraid so, touching and worse. It's basically fetishising nonconsensual sexual activity although they would argue the actress is consenting so it is fine.
I may be wrong but I believe this genre has become more popular recently, as has all the 'incest' type videos.
I don't think we can rule out that it's a case of monkey see monkey do, considering how many women here are mentioning it has happened to them.

BlackAndWhiteCat01 · 16/05/2020 16:52

I threatened to leave after it happen if it ever happened again and strangely enough it's never happened since

Isn't that interesting?

Anothernick · 16/05/2020 17:33

Sex defines a relationship - if you are not having sex and have no intention of doing so in future then you are not in a relationship, you are co-parents living in the same house. What he is doing is wrong of course and you should not tolerate it but both of you need to acknowledge that your relationship is over and you need to move on.

Whataloadofshite · 16/05/2020 17:53

Oh he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. I wouldn't even try and resolve anything, he won't stop. Men are selfish.

Please extricate yourself from him as humanly possible.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 16/05/2020 22:06

Please leave him. It's not fair on either of you to be in this situation.

No one should be exposed to sexual groping without consent

No one should be expected to be happy to be in a sexless marriage.

I feel very sorry for you both. My first marriage ended because of my DH refusal to have sex with me. It was the saddest, most awful time of my life. I felt so rejected it actually made me suicidal.

I had to leave him.

Redleathertrousers · 16/05/2020 22:21

Absolutely abhorrent. I can't believe how common this is on MN. Men who do this deserve a criminal record and putting on the register as far as I am concerned. You must be heartbroken. I hope you find the strength to leave this disgusting man. Flowers

em90792 · 16/05/2020 22:52

This is not ok.

My ex husband did this. I woke numerous times to him having sex with me. I sat and made my feeling clear. He did it a few more times. And then I kicked him out.

Its classed as rape and sexual assault.

Please please be careful. Xxx

Chocolate123 · 16/05/2020 23:01

OP this is not your fault. He touched you inappropriately without your consent. This Is assault. Is saddens me that there are a few posts about this. Tell your mam why would you cover for him? If this was your friend, sister or daughter what would you say?

DBML · 17/05/2020 03:05

Hi op,

Can I ask, is it just once he’s done this?
Or has he repeatedly continued after you’ve expressed you don’t like it?

I only ask, because my husband does this to me, but I don’t mind. Thing is, he had to try once to find that out... and it could have I suppose, gone the other way.

If I didn’t enjoy it I would have told him off and expected it never to happen again and providing he didn’t push that boundary, I wouldn’t let it further affect my relationship if it was otherwise good.

On the other hand, if he’s a repeat offender, then by now he doesn’t need you to tell him he’s an abuser. He knows. He’s deliberately taking your choice away.

DeeCeeCherry · 17/05/2020 03:13

He's touching you inappropriately.

You don't want sex with him.

I don't get why you are still in this sham of a relationship. Staying for the children is an excuse. There's nothing redeemable here.

Marriage is a sexual relationship, not a celibate house share.
I agree he is not entitled to touch you without consent - that is sexual assault - but he did not sign up for life as a celibate monk, and if you don’t want him, don’t expect him to put up with this indefinitely. Let him go.

^The Reality

Mnthrowaway20202 · 17/05/2020 04:11

For now you have to sleep separately especially as he refuses to seek help. He cannot be trusted

HannaH021 · 17/05/2020 04:22

This reply has been deleted

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Scott72 · 17/05/2020 04:42

Tell him unambiguously you have zero sexual desire for him. That you will almost certainly never want sex with him again.

Also tell him unambiguously what he did was wrong, would be wrong even if still you wanted him.

Separate and initiate divorce.

eaglejulesk · 17/05/2020 04:51

@HannaH021 - I totally agree.

There is no excuse for what he has done, but OP have you discussed why you don't want to have sex with him? Not saying anything is just wrong. Some people are happy with no sex, but most wouldn't be and he is obviously one of the latter.

I find it interesting that when a woman posts on MN that her man doesn't want sex she's told to LTB, but if a woman doesn't want it then that's fine and her DP should just put up with it Hmm

Scott72 · 17/05/2020 05:00

@eaglejulesk to be fair people are told here to separate if the woman has decisively lost interest in her male partner. In most of these cases I get the impression the woman is afraid to tell her partner she has completely lost interest and is keeping him in a state of false hope. Although of course that doesn't excuse him touching her without consent in this case.

differentnameforthis · 17/05/2020 05:09

To those saying "but you aren't having sex with him..."

OP hasn't posted about why that is, for all we know he is aware of something that is currently happening that means they can't/are not having sex right now.

Regardless of the ins and outs of that HE HAS NO RIGHT TOUCHING HER WITHOUT CONSENT. If he isn't happy about the lack of sex, he needs to talk to her and see if there is a way around that situation, or if it's off the cards completely.

ZenDay · 17/05/2020 06:02

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Companion42 · 17/05/2020 07:45

I'm baffled by loads of these responses Confused

OP - he's touching you without your consent, knowing you don't like it. I don't think you can trust him not to do it again and even if you could, would you want to stay with someone who was capable of doing that to you?

It may not be possible right now but leaving is very much an option and it wouldn't be you breaking up the family, it would be him
Flowers

Original poster
missbecks90 · 17/05/2020 08:00

I understand what everyone is saying, and I'm certainly not going to the police for the poster who was talking about that. This isn't the first time it's happened in 8 years, some nights it's kept me awake at night because it's happened a couple times in the same night and I'm anxiously waiting for it to happen. Thankyou all for your advice, I just wondered if anyone else had been in the same situation and what they did to resolve it. I get posters points about it not being fair that I don't want sex with him to, honestly I beat myself up over it daily but combined with this situation I've found myself in and mental health issues it's really taken its toll. Some people have no issue with their partners touching them and they may or may not go on to have sex with them, that wasn't the case for me and I'm very sorry to those posters who are annoyed that I can't just get over it, nobody in my life knows about this and I came for support of which I'm very appreciative.

OP posts:
FTMF30 · 17/05/2020 08:00

@ZenDay Your response is absolutely pathetic. You're the one who's not normal. She could tell him to "knock it off" if he tried to initiate something while she was awake. Except he does it while she's ASLEEP. Do you not see the difference?

Mummypig2020 · 17/05/2020 08:13

Actually my Dh has done this a few times, but he lacks confidence and seems like a completely different man. As soon as I make a move on him or talk to him he rolls over and starts snoring, he has no idea he’s doing it!

Treacletoots · 17/05/2020 08:17

Hi OP

I'm sorry there's only one way to deal with it. And I think you know that, it's just not easy.

People who wilfully disrespect the people they're supposed to love can't change because they don't want to

Honestly, leaving him is the least of what should happen. The sooner men are held accountable for their misogynistic normalising of sexual assault to fulfil their desires, because they believe women were put on this earth for they sole purpose, ... It can't come soon enough.

Be strong. Sleep in the spare room and make plans to get rid of him. Your life can't move on until you do. Don't waste any more years with this disgusting specimen.