My husband touched me in my sleep...

[missbecks90]

So I've been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have children together and for the most part things have been good. Recently I've woken up to him sexually touching me when I'm asleep, I've confronted him about it and he swears blind he has no idea he's doing it. Problem is I pretended to be asleep a few weeks back to see if he really was or not, I moved slightly like I was stirring and he stopped. Once I acted like I was asleep again he started touching me again...I feel violated & dirty but I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion to? I feel guilt because I've not wanted to have sex with him in a long time and I feel like it's my fault. Anyone else been through this?

Some of the posters here need to google the definition of “consent”:

• someone who is asleep cannot give consent

• someone who has never been asked in advance if they want to be touched in their sleep has not given consent

• someone who has made it clear previously they don’t want to be touched in their sleep has not given consent

I’m so sorry OP, please confide in someone about this, it’s so wrong what he’s doing xxx

I think very occasionally they do it in their sleep but you’ve tested it and it isn’t that.

How is your relationship in general? Do you need to do some work on it with support from a relationship specialist?

I hope you don’t mind OP, but you said a couple of things in an earlier post that made me worried that you might be a bit depressed? I mean before this started happening? It’s totally normal to feel down about what is happening now but I just hope you are ok in general?

I dont understand why you pretend to still be asleep and let him carry on? Not defending what hes doing I think it's weird, but if you say it can happen several times a night and your consciously aware of it why are you not telling him to stop or even better kneeing him in the balls? If you never resist he will think its fair game.

Yes I've suffered depression and anxiety on and off over the years. Especially after my children were born....I think this severely effects my desire toward him to. If I am awake and it happens then I tell him to get off, if I am asleep and I wake to him doing it I tell him to get off but the amount of times I've woken up to him doing it over the years when I'm not aware has left me feeling anxious and I can't sleep at all.

Also I only pretended to be asleep the once a couple weeks back, I wanted to see if he was genuinely asleep as he says he is totally unaware he's doing it or if he was lying and he knows.

Jesus Christ, some of these comments are so horribly victim shaming I don’t know where to start.

Goodness, if i were in his place, i would have made my way out a long time ago, i dont need to be with someone who doesnt satisfy my needs.

And that would be your right, as it’s her husband’s right.

If OP has no sex drive (I don’t know what her situation is there and it’s not relevant), she shouldn’t have sex she does not want. You can’t force yourself to want sex if you really don’t.

Her husband’s options are therefore to stay in the marriage with no sex or to leave it. Harsh but true - he can’t and should not force her.

His options don’t include sexually assaulting her during her sleep.

I don’t know which order all this happened in, but certainly if he’s been doing this for a while this may be one giant reason why she doesn’t want to have sex with him, and even if whatever is causing her loss of sex drive is resolved, it’s likely she may never want sex with him again due to this.

I assume some of you have never experienced the loss of sex drive that comes with certain conditions or medications - I have, for many years, and it’s not something that can be fixed by counselling or just gotten over. I don’t know the OP’s situation but it’s not always as simple as some here think.

OP, I’m sure that if you discovered that you were unintentionally sexually assaulting someone in your sleep you’d be mortified, as would any decent person. If I found out I was doing this, I’d be removing myself from the shared bed indefinitely and seeking medical advice. Funny how these men never seem to do this, however.

These threads generally get piled on by people who say they like being touched in their sleep, it’s their husband so why wouldn’t they want to be touched etc. None of that is relevant to you.

I hope you can find a way out of this relationship

Bloody hell, she doesn’t need to work on her relationship with an abuser! And nice victim blaming there Concerned7777.

She needs to get rid of this repeat offender and responses trying to minimize or explain away what he’s doing are unbelievably stupid.

I dont understand why you pretend to still be asleep and let him carry on? Not defending what hes doing I think it's weird

Again, victims of sexual assault don’t always respond as you’d expect - calling the actions of someone being violated “weird” is disgraceful. It’s 2020 FFS.

Not blaming her just wondered why she didn't tell him to stop. I would have kicked off right there and then when I realised he was awake and knew what he was doing

In happy, loving relationships I have been in there is usually a bit of sleepy fumbling initiated by myself or my partner from time to time - and it has always been very welcome. It is either met with reciprocal interest and more deliberate sexual activity, or it becomes clear very quickly that one partner is not up for anything at the particular moment in which case it settles into a contented cuddle and intertwined resumption of sleep.

The difference is I guess it is always clear the caressing is welcome whether it doesn't develop or not, no offence is taken if nothing further happens and it makes for some lovely close together sleep when nothing happens - so it is win-win regardless. It's about being very attuned to responsiveness or lack of it in the particular moment.

If you have made it clear however that you find any sleepy initiation of sex unwelcome then he certainly needs to respect that. It sounds like there are major intimacy issues in your relationship that it has got to this stage and those need addressed or a split needs to be considered.

OP, if you don’t want to have sex with this man, you should divorce him and set him free to find a partner who does want to have sex with him. Marriage is a sexual relationship, not a celibate house share.
I agree he is not entitled to touch you without consent - that is sexual assault - but he did not sign up for life as a celibate monk, and if you don’t want him, don’t expect him to put up with this indefinitely. Let him go.
This.

ZenDay

This is not the same situation at all.

If you dh asked you not to touch his penis whilst he is asleep, would you continue to do it?

Tbh you may as well divorce your refusing to have a sexual relationship with husband and his wants one. Its over let him.go.

@Concerned7777 freezing and disassociation are normal responses. You may think you’d fight, but the reality when it happens is very different unfortunately. In any other area of my life, people would describe me as assertive and confident. But rape takes that away from you, in the moment and after.

I don't understand the posters concentrating on your comment that you don't want sex with him. That's irrelevant here.

If you don't want a sexual relationship, your H has every right to talk to you about that and leave if he so chooses.
He DOES NOT have the right to help himself to a sex life when you are asleep. If anyone else did this to you, you wouldn't question it at all, you would know it was assault and be horrified.

Pretending to be asleep makes sense to me. He is your husband and you were most likely looking for a way to make the experience less horrifying because he is meant to love you. If he genuinely couldn't help it you would have had a problem you could face together, which is a lot easier to handle than the idea that your husband is doing something so awful to you on purpose.

The truth of the situation is that your H knows what he's doing. He's making the choice to wait until you're asleep, until you can't give consent, you can't object then take what he wants. Even if he stops now, you know he's capable of it and you know you won't ever feel fully safe in your own bed.

I don't see a way for you to move forward without ending things now. Your children will see you separate, happy and thriving - you may well find it serves them better than having them live in a house with you together but miserable, with the tension of these issues in the air.

I hope you're ok OP. This is a lot to process - a call to rape crisis may help you talk through your feelings.

Zenday

Calling people not "normal" isn't helpful.

The issue of consent is a tricky one. It's difficult for some people to grasp that others have different physical boundaries.

On the one hand you downplay non-consensual groping by saying touching your sleeping husband's penis would be funny.

Then you switch tactic and tell the OP to loudly tell her husband to stop, as if that will take care of everything.

Mocking other people's emotional reactions is not funny. Switching the groping around doesn't work because women do not generally rape men.

I expect if you took the next step and digitally penetrated your husband's (softly farting) anus while he slept his reaction would be different.

So while you may be fine being groped and groping during sleep, for other women being touched without consent is a horrible invasion of their dignity and privacy which they don't feel strong enough to stop.

OP - you are allowed to feel the way you do. You are allowed to post about it and talk about it and work it through. You do not need to justify your emotions to anyone.

Zen day your post is awful you seem to impky that because you can’t help yourself you touch your husband when he is asleep without his consent and it’s not assault and the sheriff would find it funny

But it shouldn’t be because everything you say makes your needs and feelings ahead of his. Now I hope you have a relationship where he knows and would be ok with it. Many are not

My husband asked me what was wrong last night so I told him I was having trouble dealing with the fact he put his fingers in my vagina whilst I was asleep (something I don't even let him do whilst awake). He basically said he was sorry he upset me but he didn't see it as that bad. He said if he had done it to a random girl asleep at a party then yeah it would be bad but not his "gorgeous wife who he loves". I tried to explain to him that actually it is much worse (not literally just trying to make him realise) for this to happen to me by someone who is meant to love me and who I should be able to trust. A husband is meant to protect his wife not be the one she fears. He didn't say much but it was clear he didn't get it at all. I think this just shows how some men have these attitudes which are just not going to change. They don't realise at all how much it can affect a woman to be violated like that.

It isn't sexsomnia.
There is so much going on here, a sexless marriage and sexual assault.
If you want to stay married you both need to see a counsellor asap separately.
It isn't as easy as "just leave" if you have kids, bills, no income. This is why so many women including myself stayed in abusive relationships for so long and when I did finally leave we suffered years of poverty before I finally started earning good money at work.
I would make it clear to him that if he does this again the police will be involved. Sleep in another room for now until counselling has been organised. Call the police if he so much as looks at you funny.

For those of you who don't seem to be getting it, what the OP's husband is doing is a crime. From the CPS website itself:

'Lack of consent may be demonstrated by:

The complainant's assertion of force or threats;
Evidence that by reason of drink, drugs, sleep, age or mental disability the complainant was unaware of what was occurring and/ or incapable of giving valid consent; or
Evidence that the complainant was deceived as to the identity of the person with whom (s)he had intercourse.'

OP, you are not responsible for any of your arsehole husband's actions. Not having sex for a long time doesn't turn people into sexual abusers, most people manage not to assault others when they've had periods of celibacy in their lives.

In response to the posters who are saying that the marriage might be worth saving, once a sexual crime has been committed there is no going back. All trust has been destroyed.

Also to all those mentioning OPs lack of desire to have sex. Men like this often have other undesirable qualities that seriously put you off wanting to have sex with them. You feel like a piece of meat to them and having sex can feel very demeaning. I personally have felt like that about my husband for a while too.. all the years of him making comments about how we never have sex, trying to persuade me to have sex when I'm tired, groping me or making suggestive comments. It wears you down and you just don't see sex as an enjoyable thing.. it becomes a chore.

@Concerned7777 when I was assaulted I froze because I couldn’t believe what was happening. It felt like I left my body and couldn’t move. Genuinely can’t say what I think about you little “that’s weird! I would have kicked off!” comment or I’ll get banned so you’ll have to infer my opinion on it.

@madcatladyforever "It isn't as easy as "just leave" if you have kids, bills, no income."

I hope that the husband in this case is simply unaware that what he is doing is very wrong.

But once he realizes is wife has zero sexual desire for him and never will have, why should he want to remain married? If he should feel guilt over this issue of unwanted touching, that might only make things worse.

Like some posters have said , if you don't want sex with him which is a part of marriage, leave so that he can find someone who will fulfill that need . He's clearly desperate for some form of intimacy

@missbecks90

dead bodies don't resist
comatose people don't resist
disabled people might not resist
drugged people don't resist...

STILL DOESN'T MAKE THEY ARE FAIR GAME TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED!