My husband touched me in my sleep...

[missbecks90]

So I've been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have children together and for the most part things have been good. Recently I've woken up to him sexually touching me when I'm asleep, I've confronted him about it and he swears blind he has no idea he's doing it. Problem is I pretended to be asleep a few weeks back to see if he really was or not, I moved slightly like I was stirring and he stopped. Once I acted like I was asleep again he started touching me again...I feel violated & dirty but I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion to? I feel guilt because I've not wanted to have sex with him in a long time and I feel like it's my fault. Anyone else been through this?

If he has been doing it for years, and you keep telling him to stop. Then he isn't listening to you and I would boot him out

Clearly he knows its wrong as he knows to stop when he thinks she's awake. But perhaps he doesn't realize its so wrong it actually qualifies as assault and its caused her trauma. Perhaps he just rationalizes it as "playfulness". OP needs to tell him how wrong it is and how much harm this has caused her.

Whilst I agree that they need to discuss the OP not currently wanting sex and possibly never wanting sex again within this marriage, so they can decide between them how to move forward (not all marriages fall apart if the sex stops fyi )
I cannot imagine why PPs here think the lack of sex excuses the fact that unwanted sexual touching whilst the OP is asleep is straight up assault!

This thread is a great example of why conviction rates are so pathetically low with all these posters lining up to try and justify why the OP’s partner might have done it.

The state of the OP’s sex life and the feelings you’re all projecting her partner may have about it are TOTALLY separate to his decision to sexually assault the OP in her sleep. The fact he stopped when he thought she was waking and resumed when he thought she was asleep again tells you all you need to know.

To the OP, please please speak to someone you trust about this or better yet, call one of the helplines and get some proper support to protect yourself (both physically and mentally)

I do have my own issues around intimacy and I am more than willing to see and speak to a professional about them. I've been assaulted before now years ago, because of that It doesn't take much to turn me "off."

I have PTSD from traumatic things in my life so this is something I battle on a daily basis. I take medication for this along with my depression & have had therapy a few times.

I know that the medication I take one of the side effects can be lack of sex drive, but frankly it helps me to function and be a good mum to my children.

All those saying that he should get out of a sexless marriage I quite agree, I don't know how he puts up with me..hence the fact I've blamed myself for the situation I've found myself in...poor guy I've probably pushed him to it in some way.

As posters have said, the issue of sex is separate. If there is an imbalance in terms of sexual needs in the relationship then the two people need to have a conversation and if this is an issue that cannot be worked on then they may need to discuss the future of the relationship.

Of course the partner is entitled to reconsider the relationship if they are not experiencing a satisfactory sexual relationship - that is their right but the way to go about it is not to impose themselves on their partner - that is not acceptable.

I have been in a relationship where my ex and I were no longer able to enjoy a satisfactory sexual relationship. Guess what, we discussed it, it was never going to improve so we decided to go our separate ways. It's what grown ups in a respectful relationship do.

..poor guy I've probably pushed him to it in some way.

OP I’m hoping against hope that this is a sarcastic comment.
Of course you aren’t responsible for his actions.

I personally don’t think you should stay in a marriage where your husband sexually assaults you.

Right now you might feel like you never ever want sex again but you could be wondering if at some point in the future sex might be enjoyable again for you. You don’t know. You can’t know.

And that’s OKAY

"hence the fact I've blamed myself for the situation I've found myself in.."

You shouldn't be blaming yourself for him abusing you. He already knows its wrong, perhaps he just doesn't realize how wrong. Tell him how much distress and anxiety its caused you. If he's got any decency he will feel guilty and remorseful. You also need to tell him you have lost all desire. Probably you should sleeping separately.

OP you haven't pushed him into anything - he is responsible for how he acts. Does he know the extent of the PTSD, and the assault that you have experienced before?

It sounds like you would both benefit from sex & relationship counselling together to see if a way through this is possible or if a split is the right way forward.

In the meantime I would really suggest sleeping separately for your own wellbeing and so that he understands the gravity of this. If I were in your husband's situation (and giving him benefit of doubt that he is sincere in what he is saying, which of course is questionable) I would be horrified to hear your experiences and would have taken myself away.

You haven’t pushed him into it AT ALL, I hope PPs are happy with themselves making you feel this way.
I’ll reiterate what I said in a previous comment... he thinks you wouldn’t say yes to it while you’re awake so he’s doing it when you can’t say no. And he’s stopping when you wake up because he knows you don’t want him to do it.
He knows he is doing sexual acts to you without your consent and he’s happy to continue doing it. Please please leave him, this relationship isn’t safe.

Some of the people on this thread have real misunderstanding about what constitutes sexual assault!

Any unwanted physical interaction of a sexual nature be it bum smacking, grabbing or penetration and anything in between IS sexual assault.

OP your husband has shown he has no respect for you or your boundaries as he is doing this whilst awake knowing you don’t want it. Whether or not you are having sex is irrelevant. If he doesn’t want a sexless relationship he is free to leave. It is not an excuse for abuse!

My Ex used to wank on my face whilst I was asleep. It still makes me feel sick now.

OP it absolutely is in no way your fault! You have not 'pushed' him into anything. He is a grown man and has decided to assualt his wife. He is responsible for that and no one else.

I'm also not sure couples counselling is the right thing to do as it's not recommended in abusive relationships and I think his disregard of your boundaries would come under that?

I think you do need to leave him but it's easier said than done. Can you sleep separately for now? Are you still receiving support for your PTSD/mental health?

Hi op

I previously asked you to clarify whether this was a one off, as originally you implied it was.

So I've been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have children together and for the most part things have been good. Recently I've woken up to him sexually touching me when I'm asleep

I threatened to leave after it happen if it ever happened again and strangely enough it's never happened since.

Since then you have clarified that this is a regular occurrence and something you have tolerated for a while.

This isn't the first time it's happened in 8 years, some nights it's kept me awake at night because it's happened a couple times in the same night and I'm anxiously waiting for it to happen.

So, as with most things, when the information changes, as does the advice. If it had been a one off, as the original post suggested, I would have not thought too much of it. As I said before, Dh does it to me...I do it to DH...we never explicitly consented to touching during sleep early in our relationship. It was an assumption, albeit a risky one some might think. Good news was he tried, I was up for it. Happy customers. If I hadn’t been, he would have been told to fuck off and that should then be the end of it forever. Which is where I thought you might be from reading your initial post.

However, if he’s repeatedly doing this against your will and you’ve told him not to. This marriage is over. He should be reported to the police and you need to kick him out, for the sake of you and your children. Not one more night with him. There is no working on a marriage with a man who sexually abuses you, when you’ve asked him not to. That is not good for you. And you need to feel safer, stronger and happier (as well as not be afraid to sleep) in order to be the best mum you can be.

So I’ll give you one of my very first LTB. There is no saving this.

Recently I've woken up to him sexually touching me when I'm asleep, I've confronted him about it and he swears blind he has no idea he's doing it. Problem is I pretended to be asleep a few weeks back to see if he really was or not, I moved slightly like I was stirring and he stopped. Once I acted like I was asleep again he started touching me again...

@DBML I think it is quite obvious that this was not a one off..

Like some posters have said , if you don't want sex with him which is a part of marriage, leave so that he can find someone who will fulfill that need . He's clearly desperate for some form of intimacy

This is bollocks. Why is the onus on the OP to decide for the husband that he would be better off with someone else? If the husband isn't satisfied in the marriage then it's up to him to discuss his feelings and make an adult decision for himself. This can easily be done without resorting to sexually assaulting anyone.

@differentnameforthis

If I wasn’t unsure, I wouldn’t have asked. But as op has now clarified, my advice stands.

Wow, some of these responses are shocking.

OP - what he is doing is illegal. Your husband is a sex offender. If he broke into someone's house and raped them asleep in their bed your mother wouldn't think you should work at it. You wouldn't allow him to live with you and your children. And people on the internet wouldn't say "aw, poor guy, he's craving intimacy"

It's only been 8 years. That isn't long at all, not even 10% of your life expectancy. Don't give him any more value than that. Get rid.

OP, due to my own health issues there have been periods of years in my marriage where there has been no sex or other physical intimacy. This has obviously been very difficult for DH but he’s never once used it as an excuse to sexually assault me.

It does not matter that you don't want to have sex with him. It is not your fault. You have not pushed him to do this. This is not a valid excuse for his behaviour. There is no excuse for it.

He is abusing you. He is raping you. It does not matter if it's not full on sex - any sexual contact is rape and is a crime if there is not consent.

You have made it clear to him that his behaviour is not ok. Yet he continues, and you continue doing nothing about it. Although I do understand that it is probably very confusing for you. He is continuing to rape you, and is ignoring you telling him to stop. It is abuse!!

He is committing a crime. People have been arrested and imprisoned for far less than this.

Like some posters have said , if you don't want sex with him which is a part of marriage, leave so that he can find someone who will fulfill that need . He's clearly desperate for some form of intimacy

And that desperation justifies sexually assaulting his sleeping wife?

If he doesn’t want to be in a sexless marriage, he’s free to leave. He’s not free to assault her. FFS.

@lovellost your comment is disgusting. I actually came back to this thread to re-read it as I was thinking I must've got it wrong.

Vile

@crustycrab why ? Because I don't agree with your line of thought. It is my opinion, the Op doesn't have to agree with it but as far as know , this is a forum and I am free just like anyone else to voice my opinion

Like some posters have said , if you don't want sex with him which is a part of marriage, leave so that he can find someone who will fulfill that need . He's clearly desperate for some form of intimacy

^this is a disgusting ‘opinion’^

Lovellost yes you are and people are also allowed the opinion that your comment based excuses his sexual assault because men have sexual needs
There is simply no excuse for assaulting your sleeping wife

You are excusing a sex offender 🤢 lovelost

Disgusting. Rapists are craving affection are they? Oh well, that's ok then.

Not only that, you are also putting the onus on the OP to make the decision her husband should be able to make for himself.

Please tell me you aren't raising any young men