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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband touched me in my sleep...

181 replies

missbecks90 · 16/05/2020 12:39

So I've been married 5 years together for 8 years, we have children together and for the most part things have been good. Recently I've woken up to him sexually touching me when I'm asleep, I've confronted him about it and he swears blind he has no idea he's doing it. Problem is I pretended to be asleep a few weeks back to see if he really was or not, I moved slightly like I was stirring and he stopped. Once I acted like I was asleep again he started touching me again...I feel violated & dirty but I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion to? I feel guilt because I've not wanted to have sex with him in a long time and I feel like it's my fault. Anyone else been through this?

OP posts:

Original poster

missbecks90 · 17/05/2020 15:41

Afternoon guys, I'm really sorry that there's become a disagreement between anyone that's not what I intended at all. Due to being in isolation because of Covid 19 I haven't got anyone to talk to when he can't hear me, when I came across this message board I saw it as an outlet.

I really appreciate everyone's honest and quite frank responses, it's given me a lot of food for thought & I'm going to see someone professional to talk to before I make any rash decisions.

Thankyou all for opening my eyes whether it be negative or not.

OP posts:

SharkAttack1972 · 17/05/2020 16:26

I don't get the responses of women saying their husband's are unaware they are doing it. The one who says her husband was having sex with her and then went hysterical and rolled off crying!!! These men Must know what they are doing??? If not surely, the women would be leaving immediately?? I would not have a man who was not in control of his sexual behaviour in my house!!

Vretz · 17/05/2020 18:05

Biologically men's testosterone levels increase as they sleep. It's why men get 'morning glory' (sorry).
The condition isn't uncommon as you are basically sleeping next to a man who's hormones are raging. Tell him to seek treatment as I've had friends who have had similar incidents with wives. It's like a weird phase (a bit like women suddenly needing a baby!) that makes you do odd things when asleep. Doctors said alcohol that does it, so once they cut that out, it stopped happening... Just food for thought. All still happily married.

MattBerrysHair · 17/05/2020 18:55

Vretz

I think you missed the part where the OP stated he wasn't asleep....

FizzyGreenWater · 17/05/2020 19:18

Yep Vretz, he wasn't asleep.

Just likes touching her up when she can't consent.

'Weird phase' indeed eh?

Poor thing. Just can't help sexually assaulting people.

isthismylifenow · 17/05/2020 19:27

In my experience, alcohol was related.

He wouldn't do it when he was sober. But the 4 times I mentioned it did happen, he had been drinking large amounts of whiskey.

I think he wanted sex and I didn't and being intoxicated gave him the 'Dutch courage' to be forceful and try to get his way.

Which is still assault in my book. I don't accept the i't's because I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing' excuse.

Original poster

missbecks90 · 17/05/2020 22:25

He still maintains that even that time I pretended to be asleep to see if he was, although it was dark I still feel that he wasn't. He stopped when I moved then started again surely me moving if he was asleep would startle him out of doing it but he didn't move his body just his hand.

Since I blew up over it a couple weeks back when it last happened I can't stop thinking about it and looking at him differently.

He's not mentioned it again since and it hasn't happened again since we are just almost pretending like it never happened....or at least he is.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 17/05/2020 22:31

He stopped when I moved then started again

You know he wasn't asleep, OP.

You don't need to tie yourself up in knots about that bit.

And you don't need to sleep in the same bad as him either, maybe tell him why.

BubblyBarbara · 17/05/2020 22:42

I know the feeling although not sexually. My husband used to try waking me by running his hands through my hair and stroking my forehead and I had to put my foot down and tell him to knock it off otherwise I would be leaving. He did as I said and to be honest I consider the lack of sex a bonus.

MyBlueMoonbeam · 17/05/2020 22:51

ZenDay

Despicable post

PurpleOrangeYellow · 17/05/2020 23:02

Sexual assault is not about sex. Or only in a very indirect way. It is about control, power, exploitation. It is about someone compensating for some inherent weakness or shortcoming in his own character by exerting himself over another in the most violating way imaginable. It is never due to the victim's behaviour.

My thoughts and sympathies to you OP.

franfine · 18/05/2020 00:58

This thread is disgusting and I hope no one who has been assaulted and goes online looking for help ever reads it. They will blame themselves just like the op is now doing thanks to you victim blaming idiots.

OP, if you don’t want to have sex with this man, you should divorce him and set him free to find a partner who does want to have sex with him. Marriage is a sexual relationship, not a celibate house share.*

He's free to leave isn't he? He's not free to sexually abuse his wife. It is not your fault op and you have not pushed him to it.

isthismylifenow · 18/05/2020 08:37

I can't stop thinking about it and looking at him differently

Yes. Because you were assaulted and he isn't bringing it up as he knows he is in the wrong.

I don't think you should push this under the carpet OP. You can't leave this as is as its no good for your mental health.

I didn't have sex with my exdp after what had happened, as I just couldn't. Yes some people might find that quite dramatic, but its easier to chirp from the sidelines when you have not been in that situation.

Good luck OP with your decision going forward.

differentnameforthis · 18/05/2020 11:58

@Vretz The condition isn't uncommon as you are basically sleeping next to a man who's hormones are raging

So why don't all men do it then?

Plus, sexual assault is NOTHING like wanting a baby!! But nice minimizing!!

Hoggleludo · 18/05/2020 12:01

For all those saying he didn't sign up for a sexless relationship

If he's soooooo unhappy with it being sexless. To the point of sexually assaulting the OP.

Then he can leave. He can CHOOSE to Not assault his wife and go find someone who would be happy to have sex morning. Day and night.

You're all forgetting that.

A normal adult. Would wait for consensual sex. Unless diagnosed with sexomnia and if that was the case that it could be worked on.

I can 10000% tell you that my husband would never assault me without my consent. Their is no way on this earth he's ever touched me whilst I was asleep. Surely that's a given in any relationship?

Hoggleludo · 18/05/2020 12:04

@Healthyandhappy

She's not tying him to the fucking radiator!!! He's free to walk out at any given time

Why on earth does she have to let him go?!?

category12 · 18/05/2020 12:04

What a crock of shit some people are saying about men, like they can't control themselves. If that's true, we should be locking then up for their own good. An excess of testosterone doesn't make men assault their wives in their sleep.

I always think these apologists for men hate men more than feminists are alleged to, as they think so little of them.

NoMoreDickheads · 18/05/2020 12:05

Since I blew up over it a couple weeks back when it last happened I can't stop thinking about it and looking at him differently.

That's good- he's a creep and a dangerous sex offender and now you've realized it. Keep it in mind and leave ASAP. You are not safe with him, he's already assaulted you.

Hoggleludo · 18/05/2020 12:25

@SharkAttack1972 that was me. That wasn't my husband. It was an ex boyfriend and he was Diagnosed with sexomnia. Something totally different to the op

CarolefeckinBaskin · 18/05/2020 13:25

OP, this is absolutely not your fault in the slightest.
I often comment on threads where one partner decides for both parties not to have sex for whatever reasons - my advice is normally to leave the relationship (having been part of one for a long time previously)
However this is so not the issue here
Please don't listen to the posters who are stupidly attempting to blame you for him assaulting you in your sleep.
He could have spoken to you, he could have been supportive and suggested some counselling together, been patient etc...Assaulting you in your sleep was not the way to go.
As you already know, he is awake while doing this, fully conscious and aware of what he is doing and he knows you don't want him to but carries on regardless. This is all on him not you! Your lack of sex drive does make it okay for him to do this, please believe that.

I would be done and I most certainly wouldn't allow him in the same bed as me.

Original poster

missbecks90 · 18/05/2020 13:25

Morning guys, my husband has gone back to work today after being off for 8 weeks whilst lockdown has been happening, I'm enjoying the sense of calm and not having anxiety of him being here.

I definitely need to sit down and speak to him about it because I don't think he understands just how traumatised I still am over it.

I wish I could just walk away but it's not that easy, I'm mostly financially dependent on him, I work part time but I'm currently furloughed from my job, I certainly don't have enough money to up and leave and move me and the children into our own place. I can't ask him to leave either as we are joint tenants on the home we currently live in and he pays the rent and all the bills, something that for myself alone would be completely impossible to afford. He's the main breadwinner in our house and he's self employed with his own business.

I'm terrified of upsticks and trying to move anywhere and taking the children out of their home and I wouldn't be able to afford all the luxuries they have here.

In a word I feel completely trapped in my life that I'm in. I've arranged to meet my best friend for a social distance chat and walk so I'm hoping to speak to here and explain what I have done to you guys and get some support from her.

I'm also going to contact a councillor and speak to them about my situation to hopefully straighten things out in my head.

OP posts:

Figgygal · 18/05/2020 13:30

Could you go to a family members op?

Original poster

missbecks90 · 18/05/2020 13:31

Not really, with the lockdown still being imposed in the UK. Plus my dad has health issues so as a family (mum,dad & sister) they've been isolating.

OP posts:

category12 · 18/05/2020 13:40

You can move out/change household during lockdown, it's just going between households.

Original poster

missbecks90 · 18/05/2020 13:46

I know I can but I don't want to move into my parents because of my dads health.

OP posts:

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