Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

BA have just cancelled my flights home

Oh no... you must be devastated!!! I can imagine that was keeping you going. I have just caught up on the latest. I think your SIL is wanting to reach out to you. Sounds like your MIL wants to keep her separate because she knows too much. You might be able to leverage some very valuable information for your future divorce proceedings from SIL if you play your cards right. Don’t let MIL be the puppet master.

He can't see it because he knows it true and the truth is too painful. He doesn't want to admit he was wrong and his family are deceitful.

So sorry about the flights.

You need to call them, it may just be they have changed the schedule.
I have had this with Air France & Air Transat.
Just cancelled, but infact their were other options.
It is really hard to get though, you need to call the call centre at exactly the opening time, & be ready to wait for ages, ( I waited for nearly 3 hours on one occasion before giving up !)
try looking on line at what other flights they are still showing first.

So frustrating - and what your DH doesn't seem to want to admit is that he's a victim also.

Scenario 1: DH realises that his DM lied to him about the business, and shares his shock, horror that he has moved his entire family, lock stock and barrel to NZ under false pretences. He stands up to DM for lying to him and the family all move back to UK and try to pick up the pieces.

Scenario 2: DH continues to bury head in sand about toxic family, and that since Witches is calling time on the lies, she clearly is the one with the problem, since she's the only one complaining. Never mind that she may have a point, but cognitive dissidence in operation.

The question I would want to know, is why is he is so blind? He may think there is genuinely a part of the business that will be his if he doesn't rock the boat, but at what cost?

He sent me an email yesterday saying that he still loves me and that I have pushed him away.

Hahahaha, mine also said I'd pushed him away. He was a violent and abusive nugget, who pushed himself away well enough for the both of us. It must be a phrase from the abuser's manual!

@ilovemydogandMrObama

So frustrating - and what your DH doesn't seem to want to admit is that he's a victim also.

Scenario 1: DH realises that his DM lied to him about the business, and shares his shock, horror that he has moved his entire family, lock stock and barrel to NZ under false pretences. He stands up to DM for lying to him and the family all move back to UK and try to pick up the pieces.

Scenario 2: DH continues to bury head in sand about toxic family, and that since Witches is calling time on the lies, she clearly is the one with the problem, since she's the only one complaining. Never mind that she may have a point, but cognitive dissidence in operation.

The question I would want to know, is why is he is so blind? He may think there is genuinely a part of the business that will be his if he doesn't rock the boat, but at what cost?

It's cult mentality. Everything hinges on continued belief and faith.

The OP is criticising the cult, and that rocks the foundation, the bedrock of everything he's ever been told about himself, his family and his country. It goes to the core of his self esteem and self worth. Strange I know, but you have to be from it to get it.

@Witchesandwizards

BA have just cancelled my flights home

Last I heard there may still have been flights going through Dubai - Emirates? 🤗

You need to call them, it may just be they have changed the schedule

absolutely... call them.. my Miami flights were cancelled.. it was merely a numbers issue.. there will be other flights OP.. please ring them

I don't think he is a great Dad. A great Dad would not treat his children's mother like this

Ilovemydog has the words that your mediator can put to him in black and white - so he can see the stark reality of the situation - but I think that the denial position that picsinred paints is his likely stance.

Either way - it needs to be laid squarely and officially at his door that this move was a financial fantasy and emotional disaster for the whole family - and the ball is squarely in his court to rescue your children’s childhoods by returning to the UK with his family in tact - even just for a few years until they go to uni - or stay in NZ and continue with the destruction.

He needs to make it clear what choice he is making for his children.

Check Emirates for flights. I hope you get back to the UK to see your Mum and Dad.

I'd be aiming for UK for school and holidays in NZ on a 70/30 split. It's roughly a 40/12 week split. Do you think "The Family" might go for that? Do you think you could live with that?

Clearly things would change once the kids want to do their own thing in the holidays which probably isn't so far away.

Oh god hope you can get flights sorted. Did they say why cancelled?

I've been lurking for a while and just wanted to offer my support also. Have you heard any more about your flights?

Sorry I haven't been on for a few days - shocker of a week.

The flight situation is not good. I can get out technically but very few flights now that it's likely quarantine will be charged out. Most flights available are multi-airline which will be an absolute arse to change or if one leg is cancelled. I'm now looking at September. But it's been announced today that too many people are coming back and they are going to introduce quotas which may delay returning. Effing nightmare. But I do have Christmas flights with the kids.

I know I shouldn't have (and it's against Mumsnet 'law'), but I sent an email to MIL. It basically said, 'this is how I found SIL and how she came to be in my house, you didn't need to make it about me, I already have X, Y and Z to deal with which is more than I can handle right now.'

Amongst other things, she replied:

Have you spoken with your parents?
We would like to speak with your mother. She needs to know how you are.
Can you let me know how to contact her please.

Very thinly veiled threat. When I told DH to tell her to butt out, she claimed she was just concerned about me. As if my 75 year old mum, who has had polio, a stroke and a hip replacement, in is her 5th month of lockdown / full time carer to my dad, and has just been told I am not coming home, could help me from the other side of the world. Any fool can see that knowledge of my situation could tip her over the edge.
She knows my parents are my Achilles heel.

Oh @Witchesandwizards, your MIL is a piece of work.

My friend just got back from London on qatar, she went London-Doha-Brisbane-Auckland so they will have flights going back the other way?

So the kids had their mediation on Thursday and we had feedback and our first session on Friday. Suffice to say, I have never cried so much in my entire life - three hours of wracking sobs.

He was also in bits. Maybe for himself, maybe for the kids, maybe for me or a combination.
But I can't find much sympathy. We came here against my will, and therefore there was always the risk that this would happen.
And he still has his job, the children, friends and family. I have the children.

And there were several times he lied to make himself look better - when she said she really hoped I get back to the UK for a visit soon, don't you agree?', he said yes despite having sent me an email earlier in the week saying it wasn't a good idea. He said I had the choice of suburb and house when it was based on his office location and when I said how 'poor' we are now, he feigned shock and said 'you should see people in X Suburb' when he cares more about money than I do. I obviously know we are not poor but we have £4000 less a month here. He basically got her on side as a 'good guy'.

The kid's feedback was heart-breaking, but telling and slightly amusing. She said they are not going through anything that wouldn't be expected given our situation and they are bright and articulate. Both children said they like NZ but prefer the UK, but DS paused and said 'if I can take my friends back' and promptly reeled out a list of all his friends. Both wanted us to stop fighting and get back together. Both say I am sad and are worried about my parents. DD said she doesn't like going to my mother in law's house because it smells of dogs and the dog constantly humps her leg (the dog is disgusting but she prefers it to FIL)!

The mediator was neutral but very worried about me. Unfortunately, that meant he was able to persuade her that his mum's threat to contact my mum was out of concern for my health. If this is true, why not do it when I initially had my breakdown in February/March? He told her all about the depression, menopause (without my permission) then and nothing has changed other than the SIL incident. She offered to do a session for free with me and MIL but I don't think that will be happening any time soon.

As an only child, the mediator understood the problems of joining another family, especially one with such a strong matriarch, and a husband who is a twin. She recognised one of my problems as culture shock - socialising and family relationships are very different here. She said I have lost my identity which I have been saying to DH for a long time - I have lost everything that 'makes me me'. And obviously lost my independence.

There was a lot said in the three hours, and we weren't allowed to take notes, but she did sum up that she thought we could be happy if we went back to the UK.

Stupidly he only asked to have the kids every other weekend, and by that he only means Saturday night, so one night in fourteen. I'm not going to say anything as this is a massive own goal financially.
She asked who my lawyer is and when I told her she exclaimed 'Superman! We are very close and he helped me on my thesis'. She then turned to DH and said she was sorry, but her thesis resulted in a legislative change acknowledging the economic disparity of women who hold a traditional role in the family. I would be firmly in that category having given up my career to follow him to the other side of the world. Safe to say she unnerved him as he has been insistent that assets will be spilt 50:50. This may sound vindictive, but if I can't go home, I want to hurt him, and financially will be better than nothing.

At the end she pissed me off a bit though. She thanked us both, thanking him specifically for his honesty and vulnerability as most men just clam up. She then said he was good he hadn't found another woman as a lot of men only take a few days or weeks!!!! Clearly the bar is set quite low here.....

She wants me to see a counsellor who is her mentor before I see her again. She is worried about how sad I am and even said she's not sure it can be fixed if I stay here.

He managed to spin some things whereas I stayed honest, so I have requested a session on my own.
She wasn't worried about the alcohol at all.

Sorry of this is a bit of a jumble - exhausting week...

@anticon
I asked my lawyer about a move within Auckland and this was his reply:

Even a move within the same town can be seen as a “relocation” which would require the father’s agreement or , failing that, the sanction of the Court.
The issue will be whether or not a move will somehow impact adversely on his relationship/contact with the kids.
It would be hard to say that a move from, say, Takapuna to Epsom would have that effect in a situation where he is not sharing the care in a substantial way.
If you have good , logical reasons for a move and it does not unduly disrupt his contact arrangements I would think that it will not be an issue.

FFS, I have completely lost control of my own life!!

OP, you need to look at the statistics of alcohol and domestic abuse in NZ and compare them to the UK. It has been normalised there. Also mental health issues ARE stigmatized, and there is almost no help available. If they try using any of your “mental health issues” against you, point out what services would be available to you in the UK, and that they would be covered by NHS. This is very important. (So far, this is their only defense against you, so you can throw it back in their faces.)

She did admit there was a big drinking problem in NZ but when I referred to him as an alcoholic when discussing his supposed black out on my birthday, she glared at me and said 'we do not label people'.
When summing up and saying how we had to treat each other she turned to him and said, almost jokily, 'I assume you won't put your hands down her pants again?' referring to the same night.

I also had to see my GP for a repeat prescription yesterday, and she asked if I had thought about counselling but warned it would be very expensive. I definitely miss the NHS.

I think you have been gaslighted (gaslit?) by your fucking counsellor.

Yep I am very unimpressed with the mediator.

Do you have more sessions?

I would be writing down the lies he told and bring them back up with the evidence that contradicts them. It says bucket loads that you couldn't confront the lies there and then

I wasn't allowed to interrupt.
And you know when you hear yourself and it just sounds like excuses?
DH is very plausible. He's a salesman, good looking, baby faced...

But I am writing down as and when I remember, and I have requested to have the next session on my own.

When we talked about the business/deceit etc, I didn't go into too much detail because she kind of brushed it off saying 'businesses are constantly changing'. But I forgot to tell her it is in a trust which my lawyer and her mate told me is to protect it from marauding wives.

We loved holidays, both of us with our long haul holidays spent with his London Kiwi friends. I was mentioning all the things that he didn't warn me about or that I miss, and one of them was 'he told me in January that we can't afford holidays any more' and he completely lied and said 'I said, this year, while we pay off the initial costs of moving' then he gives a conspiratorial look to the mediator and says 'I'm very frugal', just shy of winking at her. As if I'm some spendthrift. But I'm not. I'm also a cheapskate and I am the one who books the most dodgy and dirt cheap flights to get to lovely places. My kids faces when we flew to Mexico via Frankfurt and they realised we were flying back over London :-)

But I think she is good.
I suspect she has a plan.
She didn't push his request for one weekend a fortnight despite telling me initially that they always try and push for 50:50. I think she realised I need the kids and the money that will come from having them.

The other great thing about one night EOW is that you moving is not going to impact on his contact time.

Who knows perhaps once it's all signed off it would make a legal case to live in the UK possible...