Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

You can't start divorce proceeding in NZ for two years.

I'm super happy my work studying trust law helped someone other than my partner and future family! It's nice to think my studying has meant I can offer useful practical advice!

I am studying all this because the beneficiaries in our case almost all hate each other and are estranged so it will be competitive. The will says that the trustees need not make equal distributions and can give all the money to one person who can convince the trustees they are ' the most fit' to receive hundreds of thousands of pounds.

These sorts of trusts can get very competitive as you can see. Absolutely lobby for your kids to be added.

I would say to your soon to be ex as part of the divorce settlement that you wish him to back you up in asking the in laws to add the kids to the trust. I would find out everything you can about the way the trust works. If you wait till he has a new partner, his loyalties may shift to the new partner as they do with men who leave everything to stepmothers. Taking steps now to safeguard your kids inheritance may pay off.

The best time to extract a promise to help might be when he's feeling a bit guilty about something regarding the children. If he ever wavers remind him he forced you to keep a promise that he kept on the second date. I'd get the promise in writing.

If not possible to add beneficiaries I'd ask the in-laws what they can do for your kids and how they would feel if a big chunk of what they have worked for went off ended up with someone else's grandchild. They may offer up a solution.

I wish you massive amounts of good luck.

Indeed @Thehouseofmarvels - already I am betting that LA BIL, who has not worked for the last ten years and lived in LA on MIL's credit card, now virtually has sole use of a house on a VERY exclusive beach, drives a company SUV and uses a company mobile, will have the same share of the trust as DH who has sacrificed his family or even other BIL who has worked for the business for 20 odd years. I know that SIL is, rightly, up in arms about this.
He just sits at the beach house with his Grizzly Adams beard, leopard print leggings, wafting incense around and preaching about anti capitalism.

Does anyone think MIL was being genuine with her concern re my mum? I think it's black and white and can't understand, under the circumstances, how it could be construed any other way..

Just remembered another mediator thing.

I was telling her how well I am actually doing re functionality.
My friends here are astounded at what I am going through and how I am coping. The kids have a home cooked meal every day, the house is immaculate, sports every night, constant play dates and sleepovers. I'm really doing my best.
And on the last day of the school hols I held a disco (our garage is still a nightclub following DD's party) and when I mentioned this she turned to DH and asked him if he went.
'I wasn't invited' he replied.
Of course he wasn't fucking invited. These are my new friends, who I have only known since February/March, but who have helped me through one of the toughest things I will ever experience. We are separated. Would I have enjoyed it the same with him there? Hell no.

Which brings me to.....
I was telling her how it feels like a bereavement, but in a way harder (no offence to anyone who is grieving ) . If you lose someone they are gone. You have to get over it. But a big part of what I am grieving is still there, but just out of reach. I don't want to get over it, I want to get home. Does this make sense?

Agggghhhhh. Sorry for the rants today. Next weekend I'll be busy.
Hell I may even have another disco.
DS wanted everyone to queue outside until he told them they could come in!

@Witchesandwizards

It sounds awful that LA brother in law gets all that and an equal share of the trust for nothing! Absolutely grossly unfair. If he has a share for doing nothing your kids absolutely should!

I imagine there will eventually be a woman who fancies all that luxury! Do you think SIL would be even more annoyed if he moved a woman or a woman and her kids into that beach house ? Nothing to stop him starting a family in the beach house. And totally irritating that a random new partner and possibly any kids she has would benefit from the sacrifices and hard work of the other two brothers.

If grand child beneficiaries can be added it would not be in your husbands interest because it would dilute his share. However it would be in his parents interests if they care enough about the blood line to set up a trust in the first place. This is a huge conflict of interest especially if he gets a new partner who does not want his share any smaller. For once your in laws may be in your side and against him. Lol

@Witchesandwizards

I do not think your mil was being genuine to answer your question.

If you mean the bit where she said they were so worried about you they wanted to contact your mother.

It's a manipulative tactic. She is trying to make you think that you are so unwell or unstable they have to tell your mother. This would only likely be genuine if Mil was normally lovely and caring towards you.

@Witchesandwizards

Does your husband mind that he has such a raw deal compared to LA brother in law?

Also if your husband is now around 50 and MIL lives 20 years he could be slaving away until 70 funding LA BIL and any family he creates, not to work if he is living off the business. If your husband wants to work for decades to fund another person or family he's a total idiot. He dragged you across the world for that kind of a bad deal ???

The in-laws may in time encourage the grandchildren to work for the family business in order that it continues. It would be so annoying for grandchildren to be working in the family business which funds their uncle. Any grandchild that thinks they may want to join the family business when they are older should definitely get a share of the trust. If mil lives twenty more years, grandkids could be working for the family business in their 30s.

I hope your husband one day has enough spine to confront his parents about the fact he has been tricked into coming to NZ, has destroy his family in order to get something that his brother will get for free with no sacrifices.

Unless he is completely fine with his brother receiving total preferential treatment?

The annoying thing is if your husband had refused to come after the trust was created he may have got the money without ever leaving the Uk. Once the trust was created his parents maybe could not have prevented him from getting money. LA BIL could have been made to work and your husband could have been the one not working at the business but still getting money. 11 year old cousins might join the business in 7 years. So their may have been enough people to keep the business going without your husband.

Would be shit if he could have got the exact same amount of money while never leaving the uk.

Was this mediator organised by ex? Is she a family friend? She sounds beyond invested? Is she sleeping with him?

And if he went back to the UK with you and stopped working for the family business?

Then he may well get the exact same share of the family business while not working for it and just living his life in the Uk. A trust is not like a will where a parent can threaten to disinherit. It's much much harder to remove a beneficiary.

The rule that applies to LA BiL that he need not work for the family business either applies to your husband equally or your husband must accept and be ok with his parents favouring his brothers needs over his.

Was this mediator organised by ex? Is she a family friend? She sounds beyond invested? Is she sleeping with him?

There is no connection - she had to check because she lives down the same (very long) road as MIL!

But, she is MIL. Similarly aged, it was apparent from her anecdotes that she is very heavily involved in her children's and grandchildren's lives, telling me that in NZ, GPs are heavily involved until the early teenage years when the GCs lose interest.
She lectures in change at the university and her angle was that I am in culture shock, and have lost my identity and need to find it. Although she admitted she didn't know how.
I have actually been robbed of my identity and I am not going to adjust to the kiwi culture, including meddling in-laws. I have survived for 49 years without this and I am a private and independent person as DH knows. There are plenty of Kiwis living in London as 'Kiwis', I will live here and keep my English ways if I have to stay.

@Thehouseofmarvels The family trust and business are quite complicated and I only have what I have gleaned.
It includes IL's house, the business including the premises, a second commercial property and the beach house. The business is owned 90% by the trust and 5% by each of the ILs according to the companies register. Yet BIL 'owns' a 20% share in the business and this is backed up by annual dividend payments (dickhead DH left the full annual accounts lying around so I have seen his shareholder status). Interestingly SIL seems to think he owns 50% which ties up with what DH was promised - the other 50% share. She claims to have seen the paperwork showing this 50%, but I HAVE the paperwork with 20%.

LA BIL would never be able to work for the business - it's medical sales and the Grizzly Adams beard wouldn't go down too well in hospitals. He's still hanging on to be an actor.

Thinking of you OP, been reading your thread from day one and just wanted to give you a hug.

@ witches and wizards.

Has your husband gone through the trust documents with a solicitor? Even if he thinks he understands them he needs to get professional advice from a good trust specialist. Not someone suggested by his parents, independent.

He needs to ask a solicitor what would happen if he quit working for the business and went back to England. If it's impossible to remove him as a beneficiary then he's free to go if he wants!

With regard to what SIL says I'd be inclined to believe what I saw with my own eyes.

I wonder if this is what happened. I wonder if they made the trust, and said to themselves 'let's protect our family wealth from divorce'. I think then BIL had a panic because he realised this meant he would be building wealth for the other two brothers with no help. He may have said to his mother that this was unfair and that they should do whatever they could to get his brother back from England. So they just told him whatever pack of lies they thought would get him home. I could be wrong but it's possible.

Your in laws have lied to your husband on a massive scale and I think he either needs to be ok with loosing his family, being a Saturday dad and loosing 70 percent of his wealth or he needs to confront his family about their lies. Telling him the business is worth three times what it actually is and not telling him he'd be supporting a non working brother? Disgusting.

If he tells them ' you lied to get me here, if you can't keep your promises I can't keep mine, I'm going back to England' and they threaten to remove him as a beneficiary but not his actor brother? That shows him that his actor brother gets special treatment.

He seriously needs to think about the future of his relationship with his parents if they allow LA brother not to work for the business but not him.

If they do not threaten to remove him or can not remove him then he can go do whatever he pleases with impunity.

He needs to grow a backbone and negotiate.

If he tells them he is going back to England and not working for the business and they threaten to remove him from the trust.. but then say ' we will remove you from the trust but we still expect you to visit us so we can play happy families with our grandchildren.. ' I would not let my kids play happy families with a parent who had threatened to disinherit me unless I worked in a family business while my sibling did nothing. I would not want a person capable of this level of manipulation within a mile of my kids. If they remove him for leaving the family business they out to think very carefully about their place in their grandchildren's lives.

Also the mediator sounds awful and very biased.

@Witchesandwizards

You say there is no solution.

This is not true.

The solution is that your husband picks standing up for himself over loosing his family and money and lifestyle.

The solution is that he tells them he is moving back to England that he wishes to get the same one third that LA brother gets. That if they are not agreeable to this and threaten trust removal he does not wish people who play ' do what I say or I will disinherit you' games in the lives of his family.

If they follow through with trust removal ( if it is even possible and it may not be) he needs to stand by the family he has created that loves him. Not the family that dangle inheritance like a carrot'.

People absolutely use wills and trusts to punish and control their children. My fiancé's grandmother created the trust he is part of with the sole purpose of punishing a particular person for not doing enough for her in her old age from beyond the grave. She created the trust deliberately to be as divisive and controlling as possible.

So sorry to have upset you, I just feel outraged by your situation.
Also, & this is very unfair on many Kiwis, It has totally changed my outlook on NZ.
It is outrageous, that he as a parent is willing to only see his DC 24h a fortnight, but still gets to keep them as hostage in NZ. When they have spent their entire lives up till now in the UK.

If your husband does not agree to confront them he will loose the family he created.

If he does this then imagine him being a poor divorced Saturday dad and LA BIL meets a new woman and or her kids who he then expects will be supported by the trust.

Imagine the resentment and arguments thus will cause. Trusts can cause siblings to become estranged believe me I have seen it. I do not think for a second fiancé's sisterThis sort of thing could cause your husband to have a falling out with his birth family.

If he lost your family and his own and they fired him what would he have ?

If you put it to him like this he may realise his only options are confront them or condemn himself to likely misery.

Post sent to soon so one paragraph does not make sense but you get the idea.

Good luck with it all and you can solve the problem you thought had no solution. I believe in you :)

I feel the same @Mix56 & can't understand how it's even legal to force them to stay in NZ when they've spent their whole life in the UK.

I'd also argue they'd get more quality time with their dad if they spent weeks at a time visiting during Christmas, Easter, summer holidays etc rather than the current arrangement so they'd be better off in England and have a better relationship with him.

Witchesandwizards I have contributed to this thread from the start (NC since).....and you really have taken it all in an done somersaults to try to work through this. At the end of the day your DH has been duped - and he knows this - but either his ego is too fragile or he is so enmeshed with his DM that he is prepared to trade the loss of his DCs childhoods to maintain the false narrative farce that he was probably sold all his life. Interesting that 2 out of 3 sons chose to leave to the otherside of the world for decades?

I am also chuckling at your description of LA BIL in his leopard print leggings - all I can visualise is the Kenny Everett sketch or Rod Stewarth singing “If you want my body” with his expanding arse in leopard print leggings - find it on youtube if you want a laugh.

I am also thinking of the 3 roles les assigned to the children of narcs - golden child, scapegoat, ignored/lost child. Do any of the brothers have these roles?

I wouldn’t be surprised if you could possibly get the consulate to help you op. You haven’t been there long and already h is abusive.

@Witchesandwizards

I think @Sssloou hits the nail on the head regarding what I was thinking.

There is a book by Susan Forward called ' Toxic Parents' I have not read it but I have seen it recommended on Mumsnet countless times. I think I will order it today.

I have seen it recommended on the Stately homes thread. This is a thread for people with dysfunctional families or like me who will marry into a dysfunctional family. I owe almost everything I know to this thread.

I owe massive amounts to Mumsnet because it has educated me about how toxic families dynamics work and allowed me to understand enough to progress towards marriage with a wonderful, incredible person who has a lot of issues due to these dynamics.

If you are able to educate yourself and spot the dysfunction you may be able to make your husband more aware of it and to try to get him to go to therapy.

My fiancé has gone back to therapy partly at my urging. His mum also uses lies and money to control. My fiancé is also begged for money while his brother does not work because he does not enjoy working and likes to live at home and play computer games despite being middle aged. My future mother in law scrapes together pension money or anything she can beg because she likes to indulge his dislike of working? Sound familiar? Therapy is a huge help and it may help you.

I can certainly see big parallels between fiancé's family and your in-laws and you may see similarities such as money to control if you read the stately homes threads.

Please please post a description of family dynamics an over view of the situation and your concerns that they may be toxic and manipulative on stately homes. There are many kind people on there who will give you advice and support.

She gets it!

After coming out of the first mediation very sad and quite scared that DH had pulled a number on her, I requested a solo session which was held today and I am confident that she now has a more accurate picture .

I took notes, dressed nicely and held my head high. No tears. I've got this. I'm not the loony MIL and DH are trying to make out - I was articulate, plausible and got on well with her. She even suggested I do a criminology post grad course at her university.

I explained in a bit more detail how the business was used to manipulate me/us and she agrees - MIL is probably at the root of this, with DH being naïve, going for the easy option and a typical Kiwi mummy's boy. When I told her that when they visited us for our wedding five years ago MIL gave DH the contract for this job, despite no chance of moving sooner than 4-5 years, she noted the symbolism of this - keeping her claws into DH. Inviting herself on our holidays, commenting on my parenting (DH: 'she's just trying to help'), just generally acting like she owns him.

We also talked in quite detail about the relationship she has with FIL now (non-existent), recognising this will have spurred her on to gather her clan, as well as both BILs who are also on her payroll in different ways. The conclusion was a typical, power hungry matriarch who has no idea how to parent girls/have relationships with DILs. My problem is that I have lost all control of my life and my family and I need to 'get rid' of MIL if we are to work. Her power over DH, not push her over the side of a boat.....
She is aiming to tell DH this in his individual session. I told her she would have a job delivering any criticism of MIL but she seems to think he will listen to her. He definitely thinks she is on her side following the first session so maybe she will disarm him.

Interestingly, when I described the other family dynamics, including LA BIL, other BIL and SIL she said she feels it's all about to implode.......

She was much more on side with the alcohol as well - I suspect now she didn't want to alienate him at our joint meeting. He will definitely be more open than if he feels she disapproves. We had quite detailed chats about Christmas, SIL, me feeling awkward refusing drinks because before all this I felt too 'judgy'. She feels I could help SIL at some point. Turns out she grew up with SIl's mum and dad though which was a bit awkward.
She said that there is a massive alcohol problem/drinking culture in NZ that she herself disapproves of. She was at a dinner at the weekend where everyone was downing as much as they possibly could and she felt out of place. She said that if we are to stay together, we need to implement our own family values that do not revolve around alcohol. She asked to see photos of IL's to double check she doesn't know them (same street/same pub etc) and noted the alcohol glaze in the pic I had. Said MIL might not last long!!

She said not to worry about money - I absolutely will be ok, and she suspects if we sit round a table with DH, her and 'Superman', I will get what I want without going to court. And if anyone can bust open a family trust he can. He's already hinted I may be able to get income from it.

Thank goodness I cleared up a few of his lies and she believed me, acknowledging his charm, baby face and salesman tactics.

Meanwhile, poor, poor DD has been having a terrible time. Partly the Mean Girls, but mostly awful homesickness, almost like I had it February - she said it has just hit her and she wants to go home. She cried all night on Sunday night then got sent home from school on Monday because she was crying. It's obviously everything, but I think it's clear what she wants. When I let DH know he just said 'she'll be ok next year (new school), she's just going through a bad year, DN went through the same thing'. What? Moved countries, bullied at school and her parents split up acrimoniously? He really has his head in the sand about what he's done. My friend's daughter moved here from the UK two years ago at the same age as DD and also faced bullying and homesickness, so I arranged for them to get together last night and that 13 year old was brilliant with more empathy than her own father. She came away a lot lighter after speaking to someone who listened and understood.

He also got DS' answer at mediation wrong, saying DS wanted to stay here but bring his UK friends but it was the other way round and DS confirmed it with me. DH just said 'bless him, he said that because he wants to support his mummy'.
I'm over the gaslighting, lying mother-fucker.

I just wonder how he feels as a 42 year old man sleeping in his childhood room, seeing his kids every other weekend and having his laundry done by his mummy?

@Thehouseofmarvels the difference between your DH and mine is that mine will not listen to ANYTHING I say.
I am attacking them.
I am trying to out a wedge in between him and his family.
I am evil.
All they want to do is help me.
They have never done anything wrong.
They are perfect.

It has shocked me to the core.

I am also chuckling at your description of LA BIL in his leopard print leggings - all I can visualise is the Kenny Everett sketch or Rod Stewarth singing “If you want my body” with his expanding arse in leopard print leggings - find it on youtube if you want a laugh.

I remember this!!!!

@Witchesandwizards

I'm so happy the mediator got it!

I'm interested she said it was all going to implode with regard to his family.

I think that too. It seems obvious to outsiders.

If it does implode and they all fall out with him and maybe even sack him or threaten to remove him from the trust then I think he might be a little sorry for treating you badly. If things were to implode while he still lived with his mum it would be awkward for him.

If he ends up in a situation where he has lost absolutely everything perhaps one day he will be so desperate for money you can bribe him to agree to permission to a return to England.

I'm so sorry you are going though this but you sound like a strong person. I think you kids are lucky to have you.