Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

sending strength and support OP 🌺

One funny thing today.
I asked DH why, if he did not know she 'needed' to talk to my mum, did she write we would like to speak to your mother'? After all his dad has severe dementia so she is not including him. Could she possibly be pretending DH is complicit? Or does she always just speak for him?

I asked him.

His reply:

Royal we.

Google it.
Correct grammar.

So I did.
Have a mentioned how I like to be factual in an argument?
He clearly didn't google it:

the royal ‘we’
the use of the word ‘we’ to mean ‘I’ by a king or queen, especially in the past. People usually laugh at someone who does this, because it shows they think they are important.

How apt.

Thank you @BumbleBeee69
I need that today. Weekends are always harder and I'm reeling from mediation.
Hence Mumsnet verbal overdrive.

That's a great point @RandomMess

This weekend I took the kids to DD's rugby match at 11.40 on Saturday, watched with DH (she scored 7 tries ) then he took the them, and he wants me to take them after DS' water polo tomorrow at 4.20pm

I'm keeping quiet. Letting him did his own grave.

Such a waste of space as father

Returning to Kiwi seems he has 100% turned into son mode, with zero responsibilities, incapable of thinking for himself and doing as mummy wants. He has zero sense of self? Where has the man that lived in the UK and was responsible and enjoyed time with his DC and wife gone? Were you just a visa that afforded him an amazing lifestyle??

Your MIL is a grade 'A' Bitch.

God, I wish I could just scoop you and the kids up and bring them home. I feel for you not being able to visit your parents right now and really hope that you can at least make it home in August. Hope your weekend is not too awful.

He already had a visa from an ex wife, but yes, as well as me losing my identity, he has lost his. I told the mediator that I arrived with a different person than I left with.

@ThePluckOfTheCoward
You are right. It's this bit. How anyone can read this and not see it as a threat when they know the state my parents are in at the moment.
We would like to speak with your mother. She needs to know how you are. She knows my DM can't help me, it would just hurt us all.
In between me finding out about my flight and telling them, Dad wrote me an email planning my trip, offering to do shopping for me as well his bank card details so I could order stuff online and asking me about food. Just about broke my heart.

Have you spoken with your parents? We would like to speak with your mother. She needs to know how you are. Can you let me know how to contact her please.

Standard operating procedure - letting woman know she is crazy and they will tell all. Also threatening to turn your own people against you. Abuser's standard threat and more basic cult operations.

OP, you need to look at the statistics of alcohol and domestic abuse in NZ and compare them to the UK. It has been normalised there. Also mental health issues ARE stigmatized, and there is almost no help available

This.

And I think you dont realise it, but your counsellor was just bragging about her professional connections (everyone knows everyone) and achievements. She clearly sees you as the outsider and the problematic drinking and behaviour from the local perspective, that is, not an issue really, just japes.

I would put money on it that she hears your accent, and his accent and has him as the nice bloke doing his best for his family and you as the "whinging pom", never satisfied and totally ungrateful for paradise.

I would get a new mediator - or more likely move straight to divorce. You don't see it, but she's not on your side or even neutral.

Dear lady. When you come through this which I am sure you will... keep your records of this and write your memories. You write beautifully and honestly with compassion.

Antidepressants can only help so much while your 'maintaining' cause remains.

I am a homeopath, use Bach Flowers and nutrition to support emotional trauma and hormonal changes. Please do contact me if you want some support. And at a minimum, start with magnesium, D2 and K3, high dose vitamin C and evening primrose oil.

Take care strong lady.

@PicsInRed

Re the mediator:
I would get a new mediator - or more likely move straight to divorce. You don't see it, but she's not on your side or even neutral.

Yes I totally agree. I felt very uncomfortable reading OP's account of that session. She really didn't seem to be behaving in a professional or even-handed manner at all.

The mediator sounds shit to me, what do you call someone with a severe alcohol problem then ? what about all of them getting shit faced every w/e, what about driving with your children in the car?
She then goes on to call your solicitor a Bulldog, (surely that is a label.?)
if your H didn't know this sol. had a reputation as a Bulldog, he did afterwards.

& Yes, where has your husband gone? the man you loved, the father of your children. What happened to him as an individual adult? it seems everything he was & knew in the UK has be thrown to the wind, to be replaced for herd mentality & alcohol abuse. Does he envisage spending the rest of his life this way. Can't he see he has been conned by his parents & brother ? He has no shares in the company, he is working harder for less. he has to sing to his mother's song, he has lost his loving wife & will soon have lost his DC. He has sacrificed his DC's education for a bunch of sport.
Then he gets to dictate where you live, even though he has willingly said he will only see them for 24hrs EOW
How he can look at himself in the mirror is a mystery.

She actually hinted to your husband that he needed to get his shit together and get a decent legal counsel as well. She basically flirted with your husband, OP. She’s ddodgy.

@justilou1

She actually hinted to your husband that he needed to get his shit together and get a decent legal counsel as well. She basically flirted with your husband, OP. She’s ddodgy.

This.

Hi @Witchesandwizards ! Maybe this is a side issue and sorry if it's unhelpful and distracting. However I have a lot of personal experience regarding complex family trusts. Are you children beneficiaries? If they are not and the idea is that they would one day inherit though their father what happens if he remarried? Let's say he remarried to a woman with kids and leaves everything to her hoping she will ' do the right thing'. If your children are beneficiaries will the trust end when your mother in law dies what happens if she lives to be 100? What happens if them or their cousins are working for the business too? If one of your kids has a child in ten years will that child become a beneficiary? This reminds me of a situation in my fiancé's family. The will creating the trust was the worst written document I have even come across with obvious contradictions. This trust will also be divided when someone dies but the whole thing is a mess.. trusts can be horrible messy and not at all what people thought they were going to be when the trust was created.

Basically if money never reaches your kids or the trust goes to shit and can't support numerous families.. the only person who will ever benefit will be your mother in law having her sons in law.

Mother in law having her sons around that should say

Hi Op, I've just read your posts but not the whole thread and I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. He's vile but you're doing well and staying strong so keep doing that!

I do agree with @PicsInRed though, the mediator definitely sounds like she's on your husbands side so I'd try to get a new one or move straight to divorce. Good luck and stay strong!

Just checked the thread and what you have written. You said you assume that your children are beneficiaries. It could be a good idea to get proof. If they are not, you could point out what I mentioned about your husband potentially remarrying and everything going to wife two. You could ask for them to be added as part of your divorce settlement. If they are already beneficiaries definitely find out exactly what their rights are. The brothers may think they will divide the business fairly because they are brothers. But if MIL lives 20-30 more years it will be also divided between the cousins too and any children the cousins produce. Cousin is a different relationship to brother. One of the cousins could marry a partner who convinces them to screw your kids over. I might be projecting but my fiancé's mother lied to him about being a beneficiary of a similar trust because her claim for money would conflict with ours and those of all the children we are planning to have. She does not know I found the will or that we know.

Oh fuck.
Yes, re the mediator.

Oh, and she couldn't understand why I couldn't action her recommendation of setting up a shared photo album with MIL to share the children's lives. This makes me feel physically sick. I know she can't touch me, but even a digital link is impossible right now. MIL's behaviour has made me unkind. She has the children staying at her house every other weekend, is this not more than most GPs get?

@Thehouseofmarvels The children are not beneficiaries. I know this because the law changes in Jan 2021 and parents of minor beneficiaries have the right to see basic trust information. I pointed this out ages ago and DH told me they are not.
My dad on the other hand, realising there can be problems with families and wanting his 'wealth' to last longer than a generation, has made generous provisions for the children.

Ironically, the situation your described re remarrying, happened to FIL. DH's grandfather remarried when FIL and siblings were late teens and they were thrown out of the house, including his 19 year old aunt who was sent to live with her friend in Canada. The stepmother outlived her new husband and passed the inheritance to her children. It's family folklore.

And wow - your MIL to be sounds like another charmer.

@Mix56 your observation made me cry. We did have it good in the UK. We had issues, but they were manageable. The good still far outweighed the bad, and we created a loving home for our children. I have now hurt my children, my parents are hurting and I have grown to hate the man I loved. And I am broken. FFS, he is broken. But he also made his bed.
He listened to the mediator not only say that DD wants us back together, but for DS to specifically say he misses his daddy and wants to spend more time with him, but can still only commit to one night a fortnight because of his job. In the UK he left the house at 10 am and was back by 5pm every day, bar maybe, once a month.

My friend, a far better writer than me, sent this:

"While he is handsome and comes across as very charming, DH hasn’t behaved like a nice, kind or loyal person. He does what suits him. And while it suited him to stay with you in London because it made him look even better, the minute you asked for the same kind of support, the minute he ran away.

When you tell me about DH's siblings, I feel sick to my stomach. The fact one has allowed his wife to become a laughing stock/piteous creature is beyond the pall. And the other equally as useless one, being so irresponsible as to break quarantine rules in a country that’s regarded as about the only one in the world to have stopped Covid in its tracks.

Your parents-in-law have done a dreadful job of raising three sons to man up when the occasion requires it. Deep-down they will know they’ve been saddled with three very weak and pathetic males but they will never, ever admit it. Certainly not to you.

@ChateauMargaux Thank you for your kindness. Your advice will todays mission to distract me until the children come home. I know I need to take better care of myself - this week's events have made me have relapse in my self care after a period where I felt a bit stronger x

@Witchesandwizards

Interesting that situation already happened in your family. It happened to my fathers cousin. I mentioned it because it is super common sadly. Dads uncle was with this wife for only two years, she ended up with half a house, despite having a mortgage free one from a previous marriage. She also tried to throw an older teen and a young adult out.
If your soon to be ex husband ever gets a new female in his life I hope you will be able to have a chat with him about this possibility of this! If his share of the trust ends up with a stepmother then to her children, all this upset will have not benefited your kids or their future in any way. I wish you luck and happiness and for everything to be sorted.

@Witchesandwizards typo in my post.. D3 and K2!! Not the other way around.

You are resourceful and in the worlds of Dumbledore, there will always be help at Hogwarts for those who ask for it.. you will find what you need and you know where to look for it.

And regarding my future mother in law being a charmer.. the things she did to her kidskin s allowed her partners to do to them.. she was lucky no one found out how she treated her kids or she would have lost them to social services and had the police involved. Lies to the council about living alone to get a discount on council tax. Charmer indeed.

@Witchesandwizards one last thing. Sometimes with trusts beneficiaries can be added by trustees. If your partner remarried a person with kids, your in-laws may consider adding your children at age 18 if they thought their was a risk their money could end up going to unrelated step kids. Since none of the brothers appear to be in happy relationship I think that at least one step child being acquired could be possible.

@Thehouseofmarvels
Thankyou for your practical advice.
It was actually DHs family so at least he will understand this.