Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Fuck that. Get legal advice. If the Hague convention will let you, take kids, go home, but legal advice first.
He's got what he wanted and checked out.
And I speak as an ex pat in Oz of many yrs (with kids) so I know more than a little of what you're going through believe me.
But DO take legal advice, don't just flee. I know a woman who did this and was dragged back but your case could be different.
Best of luck

Just remember that they are dual citizens and haven’t been there long enough to have formed lasting friendships. I think it would be better to get your ducks in a row legally to try and prove coercive control (I am not sure if that is a legal defense in NZ, unfortunately not in Aus) and abusive behaviour. Start emailing DH under the guise of privacy in the home with the kids around and see how he responds. See if he gaslights you via email.

I just checked - it is not. Bugger

Meanwhile, he is still emotionally and financially abusing you.

This happened to my mother. She was incredibly unhappy and we were miserable. She left and went back home which was bad for us kids. It’s very difficult. I would still give it a bit of time if I were you. If you can work on the marriage it would at least mean you’re there with your friend rather than on your own. So sorry you’re feeling so bereft.

I didn’t want to read and run, and my situation is in no way comparable to yours but.....
When I left my home, my job, my friends and family to move a few hundred miles away to get married I was excited and happy. Then I started hating everything about my new life. I felt miserable and trapped. I had no friends, no job, I hated my husbands house and I wanted my old life back.

Things took quite some time to change, but they did change. I joined a group, (it was Yelp) started meeting people, formed friendships and felt decidedly more settled. My husband gave me free reign to redecorate our house. One new kitchen, two new bathrooms, new carpets throughout and now I love this house, it feels like home. It took me a long while but now when DH talks about selling this place and moving back up north to be near my family when he retires I find myself thing of how much I will miss.

It’s still very early days for you Witchesandwizards, please don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself time to adjust. I think everyone is feeling the strain of lockdown right now so you’ve got it doubley hard.
Hopefully once things return to normal you can work on your relationship, if he’s a great dad then I’m sure he’s a great husband when he’s not in self isolation. I think you just need to fall in love with him again, sorry, I’m not meaning to tell you what to do, I only meant to give you my experience of something I considered to be similar. I really feel for you, but what I’m clumsily trying to say is, give yourself time. You’ve made a huge change to your life. It’s not something that everyone adapts to immediately.

I moved overseas a d it took 18mth to have roots. Proper roots. Give it more time and you might find them.
I bet when you first moved away to another town in the UK it was hard.
Have you the option of time for your own hobbies? Go join some stuff and make your own friends. You'd be surprised how many people due to careers and spousal deaths or moves are in the baot where they are looking for some mates.
My mom did this when she retirees early in her 50s for health and honestly she's crazy busy now!!

I've asked for counselling but he doesn't seem keen.

It's not only that he oversold it, he just didn't think of me.
Yes, on our third date when he said 'in two years I'm moving back to NZ, just so you don't waste your time', I said I would come. But I didn't have the information at that point to even consider what I was agreeing to. I still didn't when we left.
The trigger for the move was him taking over the family business from his parents to run with his brother. It would be 'the making of us' - we were being given a business worth $Xm'. Only he found out last month that it's actually worth a third of what he believed. And it owes his parents money. Probably a lot. I was never allowed to query the 'deal' as it was the family business. I can't imagine not being included had it been a normal job offer that required emigrating. And he hadn't taken into consideration the high cost of living, running a second car, me not working. In real terms we have at least £4000/$8000 income less each month. We're not on the breadline, but not comfortable. And it's not about the money, but it just seems ridiculous. I asked him today, what do you think I would get out of the move? What would compensate my sacrifices? He said, a year off work (which was the initial plan to settle in), a better house. FFS.

The problem with gaslighting is that I am just as bad, in my own way and I come out looking worse because what he does is subtle, designed to hit my buttons.

I feel weird writing this - we had issues at home and have always been quite volatile, but he is lovely and the best dad anyone could hope to have. We have had a lot of good years.
Suddenly he has control over our family's destiny and his matriarchal mother backing him up. That was the phone call thing. I'm was in a new country, in isolation alone with the kids, worried sick about my parents and the Covid news from home and he won't pick up the phone when I call. For two weeks.

I couldn’t not reply
I’m so sorry ,you poor poor thing
If I was you ,I’d be on a plane ASAP ,going home with my kids .
If I was stopped I’d say my dh moved here ,and the kids and I were dividing our time between the U.K. and oz...
Get yourself a job in U.K. ,and get kids enrolled in schools here ,get your house back ,and tell kids you will bring them to oz for holidays .
So like divide your time between both countries,but don’t let them go back to Their dad on their own ,as he won’t send them home .

You need to get your ducks in a town as the saying goes on here
Plan your escape during lockdown..get copies of bank accounts and house deads

In a row

Cissyandflora, thank you for that insight. It is as I suspect. I don't think the kids would do well without him. Actually I know they wouldn't.
I think I am going to be here forever. And this kills me but the kids are most important.

1. GP - depression and peri menopause
2. Marriage counselling

I think my behaviour and reaction mentally is actually sheer bloody panic.

There isn't a solution that works.

I'm trapped.

I was never allowed to query the 'deal' as it was the family business

I think you have two separate, but interlinked problems. The first is your husband dictates what you do, your feelings are ignored. The second is you are now experiencing the culture shock of moving to another country, something you clearly didn't want to do in the first place. And now you feel trapped. Understandably. You need to seek legal advice to see if extrication is possible. If it isn't, then your husband has effectively moved you to a place where you can't leave him. If there is a pathway out of this, you need to get evidence to support your claim that he is behaving unreasonably. What a difficult situation.

So he said he was going to go back to NZ Anyway whether or not you and the kids went with him? and when you said about taking the DC home he asked on what basis and it turned out he meant would he be able to see them in the holidays?

Kit - if he had left for NZ and I had not decided not to come, the kids would have stayed with me at home. Oh the benefit of hindsight.

Bovary - effectively yes, but he can leave me. And keep me in this country. This is what he is threatening really.

This is my original thing about being trapped in a coma and no one listening. I have no options.

This is my original thing about being trapped in a coma and no one listening. I have no options

You need to seek legal advice. Because you don't know that until you have heard it from a lawyer. You have two choices. Leave or stay. With all both entails. You need to find out from a lawyer if you can leave with the children. Do not rely on information coming from your husband.

Is there another area of Auckland that might suit you better? If he travels a lot do you need to be based in Auckland?

My friend moved to the North Shore in Auckland recently and hated it so much that they moved back to Wellington 6 weeks later! Different strokes for different folks!

But could a location change help?

Oh dear OP. What a cock and balls of a situation you've got yourself into.

The crux of it appears to be that on top of dealing with turning your life upside down, your DH is being the opposite of supportive. And just in case you were in any doubt, ignoring you for 2 weeks is wholly unacceptable, and would be a very big deal for me.

I'm sure that in time, you'd make a life for yourself and the family if your DH was prepared to support you fully. But he's not.

On the flip side, you moved without fully understanding the situation. There's no way on this earth I could ever not work, I have a similar job to you and I love what I do. Just 6 months on maternity nearly sent me crackers.

You can try and make a life for yourself but it won't be with him, I suspect NZ is only part of the issue. As the old MN saying goes, you've got a DH problem.

Honestly, I'd start making a life for yourself, without him. I think you'll find if you start putting YOUR needs first it won't matter whether you're in the UK or NZ. The issue here is your DH. Closely followed by you not wanting to stand up for yourself. Strap on your big girl pants. Work out what you need to be happy and start putting steps on place to get there, not reasons why not.

You can't get a job because of the commute. Move closer to the jobs. DH won't move, go without him. Harsh, but it is doable. Consider the possibility that when you moved to NZ, the marriage you had has now gone, the dynamic has changed and unless you're prepared to live your life in subservience, you need to do something g to change it.

He travels a lot but is still in the office 2-3 days a week which is in Glenfield. I think it's an option if we are still here in a year or two, but reluctant to move schools etc so soon.

I really don't want to criticize NZ to New Zealanders, but it's the whole thing. After London it's just so small and samey.
This is how I explain it to my friends at home - I use the analogy of the school holidays:
At home, because I work part time, I worked a bit and they went to holiday club at school or a local sports camp. For the rest of the holiday we might go on away for a week or two, have a camping weekend with friends, visit my family, tennis camp, cinema, picnic in the park with friends, day at the lido, sleepovers, rugby camp, trampoline park, day at the seaside, bike ride..... A mish mash.

But here, everyone leaves Auckland for the entire 6 week period and decamps to their family beach house where they have BBQs, drink too much and go fishing. Everyone. The same thing every day. I did that this year. Apply this principle to life in general.

And for people who are worried, the friends I have made are amazing, especially considering I only really joined their group after Christmas. There's a group of about 10 mums who are normal and not 'Auckland' mums (cliquey and materialistic and that is my husband's definition) and I am very close to 4 or 5 of them. They have been brilliant, and checked in on me every day when my husband was away. I have been able to open up almost fully - maybe not just the extent of my depression.

Firstly the dc don't have to stay where they are, it's just under the jurisdiction of the NZ court to decide - I agree they would probably refuse just now but if you can wait til they are older (assuming the children want to return) Please people stop suggesting she just takes the children and leave. That is classed as parental abduction. She would be forced to return and her DH would then get anything he requested. NZ is a country signed up to The Hague Convention.
As OP's have suggested counselling, seeing your GP and reaching out to your new friends seems the best option. Remember this isn't forever, worst case scenario it's 11 years till dc 2 is 18.

It is promising that he wants to make terms about when he would see the kids if you took them back to the UK. Take him up on that conversation and get the ball rolling on making a move happen. The longer you leave it the less chance you have. Don't mess around waiting for counselling. He will not do counselling as he loves his new life and doesn't give a shit if you don't.
It sounds like you are wallowing in your misery when you need to be moving fast to try to get out.
You relationship is dead. Leaving you alone and not even answering the phone for 2 weeks is unforgiveable. When you seek legal advice that should weigh heavily in your favour as clearly you are main caregiver and with all his work travel he would not be able to be resident parent.
If you are lucky, he won't put up much of a fight as he seems to have embraced his new, responsibility free, bachelor life already.

Nope - they lived as a family unit in the UK for 13 years, and been in NZ for 6 months. It's not illegal or unfair.

Yes, yes it is - the illegal part anyway. Dc are settled in to life in NZ, they have passports, extended family, are at school. This is now classed as their habitual residence.

I also suspect you have a DH problem and not just issues pertaining to emigrating. I also think your kids would thrive without him; what is he like with them day to day?. And please stop with calling him a great dad, women in poor relationships write that more often than not when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. I wonder if your kids would call their father a great dad, probably not actually.

I doubt whether your husband would actually attend any marriage counselling sessions. If he refuses I would go on my own, apart from anything else you need to be able to talk unencumbered by his presence. To this end also I would seek legal advice re returning to the UK with your children in the event of marital breakdown. Given his past behaviour as well I cannot see him wanting to behave fair or reasonable in the event of divorce.

Please seek help for your perimenopause issues; at the very least you should not have to put up with irregular bleeds like you are. I have read here that some restrictions to everyday life in NZ are to be lifted around April 20th onwards so this should help.

It does sound like this is what you now have to accept is your way of life. I think get some kind of help from the GP and concentrate on making yourself feel as best as you can in this situation. You cannot leave if you will be forced to return and then have even less than you have now, ie probably nowhere to live, a split family etc.
Is it at all possible to focus on some of the good things, the biggest one that shines out is that you have made some fantastic friends. Please keep talking to them and keep them close. I think your children are happy, is that right? That again is a big positive, imagine if they hated it too and you still couldn’t leave.
I lived in Auckland for a few months years ago and did temp work. I relied on the buses, they were good then but this was years ago. What are the trains and ferries like? Is there a good place to live to get good access to those to then get to work?
We moved from London to the country about 12 years ago and I admit about 4-5 months in I had a complete panic and wondered what the hell we’d done. It definitely takes a while to adjust and to not miss the excitement of London, I desperately just wanted to go on a mad shopping spree with friends, go for a lovely meal, go to the theatre etc. Now I cannot imagine walking out every day and not seeing the sea, being in beautiful countryside. Back then I couldn’t see this at all.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation but I think at some point you have to try and find some positives else you will be in a very bad place. I know that’s much easier said than done though