Touching a sleeping partner intimately

[mummy1428]

My husband has never been delighted with our sex life. I'm fairly unadventurous and our sex is "routine" but in my opinion frequent enough for a couple with two young kids and full time jobs. Last night as we were going to sleep he had a go at me for never touching or kissing him. He maybe had a point but I just told him I was tired and going to sleep. I then woke up at 6.45am with his fingers inside me. I got such a fright and jumped out of bed asking what the fuck he was doing. He claimed he was "trying to wake me up for morning sex". We never have sex in the morning and he would know 100% that I would not want to be woken up by that ever.. or by anything at 6.45am! I truly believe he was just horny and wanted to touch a vagina so he went ahead and did his thing, completely dehumanising me. I don't want to destroy our whole family for this but it has made me feel so sick I don't see how we can move forward. Does anyone have any advice? I should add that he can be quite degrading in other ways too - groping me or making comments about my bum/boobs. He also gets sulky if I am "still" on my period or we haven't had sex for a while. I suspect he pretty much has sex on his mind 24/7. I will never be enough for him in that respect so what do I do?!

@christian77 so if you woke up with your wife's fingers up your arse you'd be totally fine with that?

I suppose because he's horny, she doesn't get to enjoy the intimate touching? As long as he enjoys it? You do know that many women don't enjoy being suddenly penetrated without warm up or lube? I'm guessing you think we all orgasm every time we put a tampon in? Clearly you know nothing about women's bodies so heaven help any women unfortunate enough to sleep with you

Since @Christian77 compared this to going to the dentist, I wonder how he would feel waking up to his male dentist, sticking his fingers in his arse, while he is asleep.

If Christian consented to the dentist having his hands in Chritiansa mouth and the dentist feels a bit horny. Does Christian believe he has also consented to have the dentist penetrate is arse at another time?

I am so glad that I don't live a life with poking and groping men in it. It's a depressing thought though.

Yes Christian please do come back and enlighten us with your thoughts on the rapey dentist
Seeing as though you compared the two, I’m assuming you’re absolutely fine with consenting to the dentist putting his hands in your mouth....but then if he feels a little bit randy while you’re sedated he can stick a finger up your arse to help himself along right?

To pre-empt Christian or others coming back and saying "Well the difference is that no one expects to have a sexual relationship with the dentist, but a sexual relationship is an expected part of being married therefore this can't possibly be abuse"just no. A sexual relationship may be an expected part of marriage, but that does not therefore mean that marital rape or sexual abuse doesn't exist. If one person hasn't consented to the specific act, it is not something they have to endure just because they are marriedhappily that is no longer the case in the eyes of the law, at least, even though it's apparently the case in the eyes of some posters. Intimacy is something to be encouraged and negotiated, not to be just taken or coerced.

Getting back to the OP--I agree that what your husband has done is completely inappropriate. He is not entitled to have access to your body just because he wants it. However, if your husband is truly dissatisfied with your sex life, he really needs to consider if he wants to continue the marriage, and you will need to face up to that. He shouldn't be forcing himself on you and being a sex pest (I have been there so you have all my sympathy) but it wouldn't be fair for you to hold onto the marriage if you two are not sexually compatible and can't reach a compromise that's acceptable to both parties.

Best wishes, I hope you are doing OK.

Well, according to Christian by consenting to having a dentists hands in your mouth and daring to be unconscious in their presence, implies consent for all penetration.

Or is it only marriage that means you can do what you want to another person, without consent?

Dps dad was very old fashion (sexist) but he always used to tell DP, if you ever think of having sex with a drunk woman, wolf whistling at a woman, groping her etc......think about it. If you dont want another man to do it to you, dont be the man that does it to a woman. It's that simple.

In all fairness, I don't expect sexual relations when I go to the dentist, however I also don't expect to be raped or sexually abused in my own bed.

@Christian77, have you ever been into toe sucking? If you agree to it once I assume you have no problem being face fucked by your wife's foot when you're asleep? Heck, even if you didn't agree to it, there is an expectation of sexual relations in a marriage so why shouldn't she facefuck you with her foot? The poor woman just wants her toe sucked and her ex didn't mind so...

I can't imagine many men would want to wake up with their partners fingers up their arse.

To be fair why stop at fingers?

If in a loving relationship you are obliged to do what lever your spouse fancies doing sexually, what if a woman decided to stuck a big strap on up there?

Or is just women that are meant to obey @christian77 ?

Hi all,

Can we remind everyone that victim blaming isn't something we allow?

Please step back from the thread if you're unable to refrain from posting in this way, as doing so does break talk guidelines and can result in deletions and a suspension.

, OP.

With an old love, we enjoyed tickling & trading each other when sleeping in on a weekend morning. It was part of our intimacy & something I was receptive to.

Then I had another boyfriend who woke me up several times in the middle of the night when I was fully asleep by inserting his hands in me. It’s actually taken me years to admit to myself that I feel it was rape. Left him abruptly soon after those incidents (plus other sex pest behaviour ) and now have to tell new partners to please not touch me sexually in my sleep because I don’t like it.

There is a difference between intimacy & sleep sex assault. It’s not romantic touching, craving skin on skin contact with your lover - it’s just using their sleeping body as something to get off with.... feral.

Then

@prawnsword sorry to hear you experienced this too. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since it happened. He apologised to me yesterday and admits he crossed a line and that on reflection he does know that it's not what I would want... but he got carried away and thought I would like it at the time allegedly. He also says that he is really happy with our sex life and our relationship so perhaps I have got that wrong. I just don't see me ever getting past this. If anything.. I expect as it sinks in I will feel worse and worse about it.

@babysharkah how are you getting on after what happened to you? It's been 5 days for me and I just feel so much anger and disgust

Have you asked him, OP, how he feels about spending NO time in your bed? Or life?

Because you are still angry (understandably) and unless he understands that, and tries to make it right, that is the way it'll go. Eventually.

If it were me, he'd be out already. Rapey fucker. No respect, no appreciation of what you already do. Just wanting more, more and more - regardless of your feelings or wants.

I wouldn't get past it.

Several times l woke up to find my (now ex) husband on top of me, trying to have sex with me.
That's one of the reasons he's my ex.
Do these men not realise that this is at best sexual assault, at worst, rape?
Mine was of the opinion that because we were married, he was 'entitled' to do it. Not because l'd agreed to it, or we'd discussed it at any time. That's a totally different situation.

If either of you need sex more often than the other person perhaps you should split up and find someone more in tune with you.

I should add that I didn't necessarily believe him about the sex site - I went and got tested and everything
Your gut instinct has been warning you all along that his behaviour isn't right.
Your logical mind found excuses for you to stay due to dc and the sunken cost fallacy.

You don't need a crystal ball - your day to day life is enough proof of what's happening.
He's an abuser and will never change - the fact that he deliberately assaulted you whilst you were asleep shows he is prepared to rape you in order to get what he wants.

At the moment he's backing off when you confront him - there will come a time when he won't.
Whether he achieves that by brute force or by spiking your food/drink remains to be seen - but do you want to take that risk?

He's gaslighting you by telling you he's happy with your sex life etc, so you being upset is all your fault and him being in the wrong is all in your head
He's playing the long game - he tries it on, you reject him, he waits until things are 'normal' and then tries again.
He's been doing this now for how many years?
In your head these are just 'occasional blips' because that's how he's manipulating you to perceive things.
In fact, it's not occasional (what about all the times you've asleep and not noticed?) and they are not 'blips' - it's regular sexual assault and it will lead to rape eventually - whether it's by force, when you're asleep or you give in because he's ground you down so much you have no energy left to argue or say no.

Please put your safety first OP.
You deserve better than this.

The above PP is absolutly correct.

@SavingSpaces2019 thank you for taking the time to post that, it has definitely helped me. @katseyes7 WTF how many men actually do this?! It's insane how many people have commented saying this has happened to them. No doubt that would just make men think it's totally ok as lots of men seem to do it so it's "normal" 😡

I'm going to see a counsellor on Monday, hoping they can help me process everything. My husband remains in the spare room. My children remain blissfully unaware 😢

I don’t think it’s normal but the fact it is “common” to me is an indicator of misogynistic thinking in the male - wives perform functions, one of the benefits of taking a wife is sex on tap, so when you complain he is upset because the situation is working out how he envisioned. He knows his touching you isn’t turning you on, he isn’t even thinking about you as a person.

The problem with telling this type of bloke what kind of touch will turn you on is they will try to exploit that & destroy something else you previously liked! Sleep touchers destroy everything they touch with their selfish, sexist hands....!

Op he sexually assaulted you. He wasn't waking you up for sex, he was helping himself without your consent.

How many times has he done this and you haven't woken up? You cannot know if this is the first time, or the hundred and first time.

Leave.

@Tulio- but that I think the problem is that you just have completely different love languages.

Inserting your fingers into a vagina, without consent is sexual assault and that isn't a love language. Why are you justifying sexual assault?

Not compatible? I doubt many people are compatible with people who sexually assault others. (no little shruggy shoulders emoji needed)

it’s your husband and surely that means it’s the one person you want to have sex with out of anyone in the world

But it still needs to be agreed upon. Husband or not, he doesn't have the right to digitally rape you because you are in bed with him. I like to have a choice as to when I am touched in a sexual way, I don't like someone to decide that for me.

Ask yourself, why was her husband happy to penetrate someone who wasn't responding?

@Proteinshakesandovieshat - What really worries me, is that it seems quite a few women dont understand personal consent

Yes, and what also worries me is how many of these women have been conditioned to think they like it. Because as someone who was looking to start having a sexual relationship with someone, I never once thought "oh I hope he wakes me up by assaulting me"