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Original poster

Touching a sleeping partner intimately

198 replies

mummy1428 · 20/07/2019 14:55

My husband has never been delighted with our sex life. I'm fairly unadventurous and our sex is "routine" but in my opinion frequent enough for a couple with two young kids and full time jobs. Last night as we were going to sleep he had a go at me for never touching or kissing him. He maybe had a point but I just told him I was tired and going to sleep. I then woke up at 6.45am with his fingers inside me. I got such a fright and jumped out of bed asking what the fuck he was doing. He claimed he was "trying to wake me up for morning sex". We never have sex in the morning and he would know 100% that I would not want to be woken up by that ever.. or by anything at 6.45am! I truly believe he was just horny and wanted to touch a vagina so he went ahead and did his thing, completely dehumanising me. I don't want to destroy our whole family for this but it has made me feel so sick I don't see how we can move forward. Does anyone have any advice? I should add that he can be quite degrading in other ways too - groping me or making comments about my bum/boobs. He also gets sulky if I am "still" on my period or we haven't had sex for a while. I suspect he pretty much has sex on his mind 24/7. I will never be enough for him in that respect so what do I do?!

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 21/07/2019 16:27

I like waking up to my husband being intimate with me

Utterly irrelevant. This is about what the OP does and doesn’t like.

The abuse label is a tad melodramatic

Feel free to tell the Met Police then - the following is the legal definition of sexual assault clearly visible on their website:-

Assault by penetration is when a person penetrates another person's vagina or anus with any part of the body other than a penis, or by using an object, without the person's consent

SimonJT · 21/07/2019 16:39

@starzig I also like a partner doing it, my partners have always known I like it, so sometimes do it. This means it is something that has been consented to.

It doesn’t matter what the act is, without consent it should not be happening and it is assault.

ptumbi · 21/07/2019 16:40

I like waking up to my husband being intimate with me. The abuse label is a tad melodramatic. - but... you like it. And presumably your DH knows this?

OP doesn't like it.

@starzig - how would you feel about being woken up by someone other than your DH 'like this'? Because if you 'like it' with him, then maybe you'd like it from Gerald from next door? NO? Why not?

Because that would be ABUSE! Anyone - married or in a partnership or someone off the street - ANYONE penetrating a person without their consent is ABUSE.

Op has NOT consented. Therefore - it is abuse. And you are an abuse apologist.

Maybe a little reading up on the subject? Angry

IntoValhalla · 21/07/2019 17:57

starzig Go take your face for a shit Hmm
Doesn’t matter what you like. The OP most definitely did not like it.
Have you even read the whole thread? Hmm

K1ssIt · 21/07/2019 18:11

I like waking up to my husband being intimate with me. The abuse label is a tad melodramatic.

Keyword there is "like" - you giving your husband consent to penetrate you in your sleep because you like it doesn't mean a man in a different marriage, who hasn't been given consent and doesn't know his partner will like it because he's never fucking asked wasn't abused.

Your husband penetrating you in your sleep with your consent because you've told him you like it - not abuse

This husband penetrate his wife in her sleep without attempting to seek consent and never being told she's happy to be penetrated while sleeping and also him being told the very night before she needs sleep, to then penetrate in her sleep? - a rapey abusive arsehole.

It's not difficult to see the difference.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 21/07/2019 18:47

What really worries me, is that it seems quite a few women dont understand personal consent. They seem to believe that because some women like it, all women should. Or that if they wish to live with a man, they have to accept any sexual act he wants and do it willingly.

It's really awful that any women dont understand their own legal rights.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/07/2019 19:48

Exactly! These women who keep saying "oh I like that so I don't think that what happened to you is abuse because I wouldn't class it as abuse" have absolutely no fucking clue. And it's worrying.
Just because you enjoy something, doesn't mean all women do. The anal example someone up the thread gave is a perfect example.
I have consented to anal twice with my husband.
Firstly, because I've said yes twice does NOT mean that he can put his penis in my arse whenever he feel like it.
Secondly, because we are married and have taken vows, does NOT mean he can perform anal sex on me whenever he likes.
Thirdly, when I am asleep, he can NOT have anal sex with me whenever he likes because I have previously consented.
Fourthly, because I have agreed to anal sex twice with my husband does NOT mean that YOU have to let your husband perform anal sex on you whenever he likes.
Fifthly, under no circumstances should any person ever experience someone using their body without their consent.

Please watch the link I posted up the thread, if there is any confusion.

CallmeAngelina · 21/07/2019 21:57

Anyone who woke me up in this way would get a swift kick in the balls, to be honest.

Christian77 · 22/07/2019 08:40

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PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2019 08:42

It’s funny how the male and female reactions to this differ so wildly.

It’s funny how many women are taped by men. I wonder if the two could be related.

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2019 08:43

The poor guy is just horny, the OP needs to think about this.

Any you are condoning non-consensual sexual touching. You need to think about that.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 22/07/2019 08:46

And if it is assault, then I’ve been assaulted hundreds of times over the years and loved it, every single time

Then you havent been assaulted.

Or you have, because you never gave consent, dont understand consent so dont recognise it as such.

It's a fact that its assault. Your opinion has no bearing on the facts that its assault.

If you enjoy being assaulted and touched when you cant or havent given consent, maybe you need to think about that.

Hidingwhoiam · 22/07/2019 08:48

Oh...bless him he is horny....that gives him good reason to break the law and assault his wife.

I suppose when men have a bad day at work or a drink and are wound up and then punch their wife in that face, that's ok too? I mean the poor man, he was wound up and needed to get it out somehow.

Christian77 · 22/07/2019 09:03

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Hidingwhoiam · 22/07/2019 09:06

Nobody in their right mind would advocate assault of any kind, but there clearly needs to be a discussion about a precise definition of the word.....otherwise we could say my dentist assaults me every six months.

You just did advocate it.

There is a legal definition of the word.

Your dentist knocks you unconscious and puts his finger in you vagina every 6 months?

Or rather by attending the dentist you consent to them putting their hands in your mouth. And you are awake? Or if you asleep they explain what they will be doing you sign a consent form and then they do what you consent to?

You dont see a difference?:

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2019 09:21

Nobody in their right mind would advocate assault of any kind, but there clearly needs to be a discussion about a precise definition of the word.....otherwise we could say my dentist assaults me every six months.

Penetration without consent. It’s nit rocket science.

The op has not told her partner she is happy to be penetrated in her sleep. She is unconscious so cannot consent while he is doing it. What don’t you understand about that?

How is the dentist relevant here? Hmm

Butterflyone1 · 22/07/2019 09:25

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PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2019 09:26

Your husband clearly is being denied a loving relationship with you so it's no wonder he's tried spicing things up.

Spicing things up with sexual assault?

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2019 09:27

They have a much higher desire however being intimate is all part of a loving relationship. If this is something you don't want, then that's not fair on your DH.

Maybe I’m hard of thinking, but to me a loving relationship doesn’t involve doing things to people without their consent.

BIWI · 22/07/2019 09:28

Well, Advanced Search is a revelation, isn't it? I see Christian is a regular male MNetter who seems to live mainly on the Sex board. Seems to think that a man's right to sex trumps a woman's desire not to be assaulted.

Hidingwhoiam · 22/07/2019 09:40

BIWI hopefully he either learns that actually there is a legal definition of assault.

Also hopefully if he does this to another woman, she will go to the police. Or women that he has done it to go to the police before he does it to another women.

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2019 09:43

@Christian77

There is a definition you wet quilt

JacquesHammer · 22/07/2019 09:47

Not hard to see who the rapey fucker is on here, eh Christian.

Do you understand the concept of consent?

IntoValhalla · 22/07/2019 11:37

BIWI thanks for the heads up about Advanced searching a username.
Kind of wish I could bleach my brain to rid it of some of Christian’s nuggets of wisdom Confused

BIWI · 22/07/2019 13:36

... and more worrying is the fact that he claims to be a teacher Hmm

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