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Original poster

Touching a sleeping partner intimately

198 replies

mummy1428 · 20/07/2019 14:55

My husband has never been delighted with our sex life. I'm fairly unadventurous and our sex is "routine" but in my opinion frequent enough for a couple with two young kids and full time jobs. Last night as we were going to sleep he had a go at me for never touching or kissing him. He maybe had a point but I just told him I was tired and going to sleep. I then woke up at 6.45am with his fingers inside me. I got such a fright and jumped out of bed asking what the fuck he was doing. He claimed he was "trying to wake me up for morning sex". We never have sex in the morning and he would know 100% that I would not want to be woken up by that ever.. or by anything at 6.45am! I truly believe he was just horny and wanted to touch a vagina so he went ahead and did his thing, completely dehumanising me. I don't want to destroy our whole family for this but it has made me feel so sick I don't see how we can move forward. Does anyone have any advice? I should add that he can be quite degrading in other ways too - groping me or making comments about my bum/boobs. He also gets sulky if I am "still" on my period or we haven't had sex for a while. I suspect he pretty much has sex on his mind 24/7. I will never be enough for him in that respect so what do I do?!

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 15:39

Groping and making comments about her boobs and bums isn't finding OP sexy. It's treating her as a series of body parts. Further evidenced by him shoving his fingers in her while she was asleep.

jellybean85 · 20/07/2019 15:39

@Tulio would your husband actually wake you up with fingers in the vagina though? We love a bit of morning sex in my house but dp (or me the other way round) would try and wake the other person up with a bit of a stroke on the arm or leg to initiate. Waking up with a hand inside you does seem very abrupt and uncomfortable

CatInADoghouse · 20/07/2019 15:42

My xbf did this to me too but with more than a few fingers...he had put lube on his entire hand! It woke me up before he could hurt me too much. It's sexual assault. I should have reported him to the police when it happened but I didn't. I think I was too scared that no one would believe me and he would just deny the whole thing. I left him very shortly after that.
It's your body and no one should touch it without your permission.

Tulio · 20/07/2019 15:43

@jellybean85 I mean (tmi I’m sure) he has in the past, but then again I’ve woken him up with the equivalent before. But I guess as other people have said, the key is knowing before the fact that you’re both into it!

Fraggling · 20/07/2019 15:49

3 women in the thread see this as normal healthy happy and op has issues, apparently.

Bollocks to that
They never have morning sex
They have never woken each other up friskily
This was more than frisky he had his fingers up her
He knew she would not want to be woken that early, for sex or anything, and that she would not want to be woken like that.

Yet poor musunderstood chap.

It's sexual assault and still women minimise and blame the victim.

boymum9 · 20/07/2019 15:49

@mummy1428 also just like to add, since this happening to me people will have differing opinions of whether it's a "normal" thing to do, but try and stand by whether you felt it was normal for you, if not and if it's something that was a shock to you, it was assault, whether he felt entitled to as your husband or not.

My ex h even today (after a now rare argument and that came up again!) completely doesn't feel like he did anything wrong because he felt like I "baited him", that his mum (?! He's 36 by the way!!) didn't think it was bad, that he didn't ruin me sexually for life so was ok, and that he hadn't masturbated for a couple weeks so wasn't "thinking straight", it really hurts me because for him to do that to me, for me, was heartbreaking. And we actually had a fairly good adventurous sex life over the years.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/07/2019 16:06

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's so easy for strangers on the internet to tell you to 'LTB' but the reality is very different. Do you have kids? I'd be heartbroken if DH did this to me, but ending a relationship is hard and horrible, especially when you have planned a future together.

Personally I'd take some time. I'd make him move into the spare room or on the sofa or something, but I would not let him back in the bed. I'd take some space to figure everything out. If you don't want to be with him, it is not you breaking up your family, it's him with his sexual assault. You'll get loads of support on here and from people IRL so don't be scared. Do not just forgive him though unless you are fully prepared to truly forgive him. Don't just brush this under the rug.

Redruby25 · 20/07/2019 16:08

Tulio Sorry no, they don't just have different love languages, there are things you just don't do in life, and those she has told us about are some of them! Groping etc is not affectionate, just because you are partners does not mean you can do as you please!

PicsInRed · 20/07/2019 16:32

that you just have completely different love languages...

Barking.

TeaForTheWin · 20/07/2019 16:51

That isn't intimate touching. If he was 'touching' you down there it would have been inappropriate (especially considering it sounds like he knew you wouldn't have been into it). But shoving his fingers up there?! Is flat out sexual assault.

I'd have his bags backed on the doorstep before he came down for breakfast.

clarissa469 · 20/07/2019 17:00

It's not even assault. It's rape. Any form of penetration is rape. I'm so sorry that he did that to you

PurpleDaisies · 20/07/2019 17:01

I might be in the minority here, but that I think the problem is that you just have completely different love languages...

I hope so. It isn’t a different “love language”. It is not loving to sexually assault your wife.

PurpleDaisies · 20/07/2019 17:02

clarissa you’re wrong, rape requires it to be a penis.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-information/what-is-sexual-violence/what-is-rape/rape-consent/

YesQueen · 20/07/2019 17:04

For me it is fine if it is agreed specifically as part of a consensual happy relationship
So for me, and I will spell it out, don't ever wake me up for morning sex because I hate it. Another women might want to be woken with kisses. Some couples might want to be woken with penetration or oral
But if you have never ever said "I want you to wake me up like X" then no, it's not on and it's assault
I've had an ex who requested to be woken up a specific way and that's fine but it's not if it hasn't been asked for! Inserting fingers is a bit different to cuddling up and saying "fancy some?"

WomanLikeMeLM · 20/07/2019 17:08

He assaulted you whilst you were asleep, you were not awake to give consent. What an absolute awful man. Please report this, i do not care if he is your husband, in my eyes thats worse, the one person who should protect you implicitly is your husband. He sexuallyThanks assaulted you.

MeltedEggMum2 · 20/07/2019 17:15

My stbxh was a sex pest and often groped me while I was busy or distracted or exhausted, he would sulk for weeks at a time if we didn't have sex often enough. He started groping me in my sleep towards the end, and I genuinely feel he would have escalated it to this sort of assault you've endured, OP.

He was awful. I didn't want sex, right. With him, though, because I was a piece of meat. I should have been turned on simply because he existed, apparently.

He was an abusive wanker in other ways but I didn't recognise any of it until he grabbed me by the throat and hit me across the face.

I sincerely hope your situation doesn't get so scary and violent, but these sorts of men seem to share a whole suite of behaviours. Be careful, op. He has hurt you abominably already.

clarissa469 · 20/07/2019 17:30

@purpledaises you are right! I was wrong believe it or not my friend is a police officer and told me that! Sorry everyone and OP

Feelingwalkedover · 20/07/2019 19:13

I don’t know what I’m more shocked at ..what happened to the op or the apologists on here .

The op has clearly ..CLEARLY said she’s not happy with how she was woke up ..yet still people still say poor didums of husband.
Op I’m sorry this has happened to you.dont be rushed in to doing anything,take your time to decide what to do 💐

Cherylshaw · 20/07/2019 19:42

I do enjoy this type of thing as does my partner but that is neither here nor there.

It is clear for anyone reading the op that it is not something she would be up for, what some people find acceptable for them makes no difference that the op feels violated somewhere she should feel safe and by someone she should trust.

Op I would have a very frank conversation with your partner but if you don't feel safe or like you can trust him then you are best leaving as life is too short to spend it with someone who treats you like this

Anotherusefulname · 20/07/2019 20:05

I have read back through the thread as I was a bit confused, I am still not sure who has been an apologist?
Several posters have said it is something they are comfortable with but they, myself included, have all also appreciated that it is not for OP and that she feels violated and have offered appropriate advice.

K1ssIt · 20/07/2019 20:06

I once read a thread like this out to my husband, now whenever once of us wakes the other in an 'intimate manner' we end up in fits of giggles saying "call the police you assaulted me" "I want a divorce" etc. Ruined a lovely bit of our sex life.

I dunno if I've read that wrong but that sounds like you and your partner think it's funny that someone expects her husband not to stick her fingers inside her without her consent?

If you and your husband like morning sex and don't mind being penetrated in your sleep that's one thing but not sure why it's funny that other women don't want to be woken up that way and feel upset when their husband does that.

If my dh feels a bit randy on a morning he'd stroke my arm and wake me up gently, if I don't wake up or tell him "not now" he leaves me alone, he doesn't start sticking bits of his body in my vagina.

AnotherEmma · 20/07/2019 20:15

What he did was sexual assault by penetration. The other behaviour you describe is coercive sexual abuse and sexual harassment.

I suggest that you contact Women's Aid (the national helpline and/or your local branch). Do you have a close friend or family member you could talk to who would be supportive? Would it be easier to talk to your GP or a counsellor?

Anotherusefulname · 20/07/2019 20:18

No, what we find funny is the mumsnet instant, LTB, it's abuse, phone the police etc attitude.
It's like not every one who is a twat has a personality disorder, not every naughty child has SEND.
People on here get a micro snapshot of someone's life and most often the way to solve whatever issues they have is to stop think, have a conversation.
I imagine that is why after 20years we are still married, clear calm thinking, not a world of red lines and calling the police even if just to 'log it'.
Shit happens its how you deal with it that makes you. I wonder how many of the people on here who offer this knee jerk advice have ever experienced the situations they are advising on. And even if they say they do like mumsnet hq say not everyone on the internet is who they say they are.

PurpleDaisies · 20/07/2019 20:20

No, what we find funny is the mumsnet instant, LTB, it's abuse, phone the police etc attitude.

He’s touching her sexually without her consent. How is that not abuse?

Minimising it is disgusting.

Hidingwhoiam · 20/07/2019 20:22

We do get a micro snap shot.

Can you explain one circumstance where, more information about the relationship would mean this is not sexual assault?

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