Touching a sleeping partner intimately

[mummy1428]

My husband has never been delighted with our sex life. I'm fairly unadventurous and our sex is "routine" but in my opinion frequent enough for a couple with two young kids and full time jobs. Last night as we were going to sleep he had a go at me for never touching or kissing him. He maybe had a point but I just told him I was tired and going to sleep. I then woke up at 6.45am with his fingers inside me. I got such a fright and jumped out of bed asking what the fuck he was doing. He claimed he was "trying to wake me up for morning sex". We never have sex in the morning and he would know 100% that I would not want to be woken up by that ever.. or by anything at 6.45am! I truly believe he was just horny and wanted to touch a vagina so he went ahead and did his thing, completely dehumanising me. I don't want to destroy our whole family for this but it has made me feel so sick I don't see how we can move forward. Does anyone have any advice? I should add that he can be quite degrading in other ways too - groping me or making comments about my bum/boobs. He also gets sulky if I am "still" on my period or we haven't had sex for a while. I suspect he pretty much has sex on his mind 24/7. I will never be enough for him in that respect so what do I do?!

I see it as having seen someone take liberties tightening up of boundaries are required.

No. If you want stick your fingers in someone while they are unconcious, then YOU need to have made sure they have consented before hand.

Someone unconscious can not consent. Its is not right to give it a go on the off chance you like it. Its sexual assault, that's the boundary. You dont get to give it a go, hope they like it and if they dont, promise ti not do it again.

Its clear, you dont do something somone has not explicitly consented to.

As I said before, just because some people like anal sex, a man should never just put is cock in anyones arse without making sure they consent first. Consenting to vaginal sex, is not consenting to any sexual act or anal sex.

Sleeping next to someone is not consenting to them assaulting you while you are asleep.

I have no idea why you are questioning your own boundaries. If someone spoke to you in a disgusting way and you were able to ensure they didnt ever speak to you again, that's great. That doesnt mean what they did the first time was ok, but they didnt understand your boundaries. That person is entirely to blame for how he spoke to you. You having a conversation or being near him, was not you consenting to him speaking to you in that way.

And it's not that simple when you HAVE to interact with that person.

And as for telling people to 'just deal with it', you clearly dont know how hard it is to leave a relationship under these circumstances. Especially, when people like you are shift some of the blame on the victim and making it out to not be such a big deal. That in itself makes you question wether your own boundaries and your own feelings are correct. That leads to doubting your boundaries and accepting behaviour you arenr happy with, because its partially your fault.

I don't see it as victim-blaming. I see it as having seen someone take liberties tightening up of boundaries are required.

So I’ve never explicitly told my husband not not hit me in the face. If he did, would you still be telling me to “tighten up my boundaries”?

I need to stop reading this thread because the rape apologists are making me too angry/sad to be useful

OP he's not 'sex starved' he's sexually preoccupied. That's not normal or healthy. He's not likely to change, just escalate his behaviour (which he is already doing, with this sexual assault)

I really don't understand why this is being classed as sexual assualt thousands of couple wake each other up touching the other sexually, i often waken my partner up giving him oral sex he's never complained, if you dont want your H or P to waken you up when he's sexually aroused why do you live together?

Are you always so obtuse?

It doesn’t matter what works for YOU. The OP didn’t consent.

Had the OP’s partner woken her up without penetrating her, there wouldn’t have been an issue unless he continued to force the issue when she said no.

He PENETRATED her WITHOUT CONSENT. That is sexual assault.

It’s not rocket science is it?

He sexually assaulted you op
Please ignore all the rape apologist shit on this thread and keep yourself safe. He's a disgusting excuse for a man.

As a general concept this is 100% NOT OK op and he has crossed a serious line.

‘Some’ relationships this would be ok in. For example, I’m newly married and DH and I have given explicit concent to waking each other up like this should the mood take us! HOWEVER if I told him I was not feeling well or in the mood the night before he wouldn’t do it- common sense.

I really don't understand why this is being classed as sexual assualt thousands of couple wake each other up touching the other sexually, i often waken my partner up giving him oral sex he's never complained, if you dont want your H or P to waken you up when he's sexually aroused why do you live together?

Its sexual assault because its sexual assault. That's a fact. He touched her without her consent in a way she knows he doesnt like.

Doesnt matter if 99% of women like it. The OP doesnt. He knows that, so its sexual assault.

I dont know anyone e who has moved in together for the sole purpose of being able to wake someone up by sexually arousing them. There are thousands of reasons people live together.

If you moved in with you OH just so you could wake him up with blow job, then I would suggest you have your priorities wrong. Who combines finances, rent or buys together just for that.

Let's make it clear. Its sexual assault. Its not in your relationship, because you and your OH know eachother like it. In the ops situation it is.

I really don't understand why this is being classed as sexual assualt thousands of couple wake each other up touching the other sexually, i often waken my partner up giving him oral sex he's never complained, if you dont want your H or P to waken you up when he's sexually aroused why do you live together?

Since you are so hard of understanding, let me frame it in terms that might get through to you:

If you wanted to suck your husbands cock whilst he was asleep and he had told you that he didn't like it, would you do it anyway?

Some couples like this behaviour and it's fine. It's fine because they both know they like it.
If you know your partner hates having fingers shoved up her vag and has previously expressed a dislike for this type of behaviour then don't fecking do it!!!!
My exH repeatedly crossed my boundaries in this manner despite repeated discussion about it. No doubt he would have cried assault if Id hit him with a le creuset round the back of the head but he thought clear non consensual touching was OK.
Marital rape has been illegal for many years now.

@mummy1428 I'm really sorry you're going through this, your 'D'H's behaviour is appalling around sex and quite frankly it sounds like a sure fire way to put you right off for good so he hasn't achieved any of his 'goals' by doing this.

For other posters saying it should be ok because you live together etc like @happyhillock you're way off base. Me and DH enjoy being woken up in certain ways that others would definitely not enjoy, DH works late shifts and we text throughout the evening, if we're both in the mood then he'll wake me up when he's home in ways that we both enjoy. However this has been prearranged and is done with explicit consent. There is no way in hell either of us would have just decided that this was ok without discussing it first, people have boundaries as they should, what works for one doesn't work for another. What happens in my relationship has no bearing on what happens in yours.

Better still report the sexual assault to the police.

Some of the responses on this thread are fucking hideous

Let’s call a spade a spade shall we? The OP’s husband has sexually assaulted her. There’s no other way to describe it. She woke up to fingers penetrating her and wasn’t a willing participant in the act. That is sexual assault whether she’s married to the perpetrator or not.
The rape apologists on here need to give their fucking heads a wobble

Just catching up

'Dont stay there and let it happen again'

Wow. This is victim blaming.

I'm aghast at some of these responses.

I’ve never needed to put a ‘boundary in place’ expressly forbidding any partner from penetrating me whilst I’m asleep!!! Isn’t it a given that such an action is a serious sexual assault
Some of the comments on here are truly frightening. OP I hope you’re ok. I could not stay with a man who did this. Try to put yourself into his headspace at that exact moment, knowing you’re asleep!!! Is that who you want to be with? Frightening yes .....

my opinion is he was wakening her up because he wanted sex, they have DC together, she knew what he wanted but has chosen to make a big fuss about it, i don't regard it as sexual assualt, if she doesn't want that in her married life, she should leave him and have all the sleep she wants

Why are you ignoring all the explanations?

Penetration without consent is sexual assault.

they have DC together, she knew what he wanted but has chosen to make a big fuss about it

So because they have children he can use her however he wants?

Just when I always think I’ve come across the stupidest poster on MN, someone else comes along to knock it out of the park.

For the hard of thinking and rape apologists on the thread, this is the pertinent definition from the Metropolitan Police.

Assault by penetration is when a person penetrates another person's vagina or anus with any part of the body other than a penis, or by using an object, without the person's consent

Can anyone explain why telling someone they should leave a DH who sticks his fingers where they are not wanted is victim blaming?
There are plenty of people who have been so angry about something that they walk out the door (or put the other party out the door) even if they have a child multiple children or no children. It is about ensuring that something that was not liked can not be done again.
You would hope that people would know that banging someone round the head with le Creuset (as a pp said) is not going to be a welcome move. People should know any partner they share their life with well enough to know what they like or dont like and act in accordance.
This DH is going the wrong way about things and if he cant understand the instruction not to do that then the OP has to safeguard herself and her children.

@happyhillock JUST FUCK OFF.

I'm not sure if you're thick, insensitive, a rape apologist, hate women, or just enjoy causing distress. Probably all of the above. So yeah, fuck off.

'Dont stay there and let it happen again'

Your words. Victim blaming.

Given your other posts I'm not surprised tbh

I am not ignoring the explanations, what the fuck she woke up with him having two of his fingers inside her, her husband not a stranger

Read the definition from the police. Or do you need smaller words?

Are you really so mind-numbingly stupid you think it can’t be assault because he’s her husband?

Wow you 2 are absolutely vile

Marital rape was made illegal in 1992ish

Seems some haven't had the memo