Touching a sleeping partner intimately

[mummy1428]

My husband has never been delighted with our sex life. I'm fairly unadventurous and our sex is "routine" but in my opinion frequent enough for a couple with two young kids and full time jobs. Last night as we were going to sleep he had a go at me for never touching or kissing him. He maybe had a point but I just told him I was tired and going to sleep. I then woke up at 6.45am with his fingers inside me. I got such a fright and jumped out of bed asking what the fuck he was doing. He claimed he was "trying to wake me up for morning sex". We never have sex in the morning and he would know 100% that I would not want to be woken up by that ever.. or by anything at 6.45am! I truly believe he was just horny and wanted to touch a vagina so he went ahead and did his thing, completely dehumanising me. I don't want to destroy our whole family for this but it has made me feel so sick I don't see how we can move forward. Does anyone have any advice? I should add that he can be quite degrading in other ways too - groping me or making comments about my bum/boobs. He also gets sulky if I am "still" on my period or we haven't had sex for a while. I suspect he pretty much has sex on his mind 24/7. I will never be enough for him in that respect so what do I do?!

my opinion is he was wakening her up because he wanted sex, they have DC together, she knew what he wanted but has chosen to make a big fuss about it, i don't regard it as sexual assualt, if she doesn't want that in her married life, she should leave him and have all the sleep she wants

Are you aware that just because your partner wants sex you are obliged to do it?

Do you realise that penetrating someone, who hasnt consented is sexual assault?

Are you aware that by living with someone, you dont have to have sex with them as and when they want it, if you dont.

Having kids or marrying someone isnt consent to any and all sexual acts. If a man wants anal sex and a woman doesnt, do you believe she has to say yes? What about finishing in her mouth? She has to say yes? What about making a porno and putting it online or sharing it with his friends? She has to say yes.

Its not a matter of opinion. Its fact. Its sexual assault. Living with, marrying or having kids with someone does not over ride consent.

Especially when you know that person doesnt like it.

Your opinion is factually wrong and I feel sorry for you that you feel that you just do any and all sexual acts, as and when your partner wants once you live with them

Dont stay there and let it happen.

1. If the DH has been told NO and he still persists the only sure way to stop him is to stay well away from him in another house preferably.
2. I have said she has the choice between her leaving or him being put out. That is a choice to make with the knowledge of who owns the house or whatever the circumstances are.
3. I have been in her shoes in different ways. I have left and thrown out which implies that I know that a woman is capable of either move.

4 OP has options. She wants DH stopped from inserting fingers where they are not wanted. What other suggestions does she or any other person have for making sure that does not happen again.

1. Given this and other stuff this DH has done, is he really worth keeping?

SHE'S CAUSING HERSELF DISTRESS BY NOT LEAVING HIM YEARS AGO

It’s no wonder the conviction rate of sexual crimes is so low when MRAs are so rife with their victim blaming.

For the thicko at the back. On a Monday I could have sex with my husband. On Tuesday I could have sex with my husband. If on Wednesday I say “no” and he still has sex when I’m asleep, that is rape.

Educate yourself on consent.

She's been with him 15 year's he's also done thing's in the past, she's still with him, as far as im concerned that say's it all

Are you thick or just a goady fucker? Or maybe have no clue about people in difficult and/or abusive marriages.

Or all 3.

1. If the DH has been told NO and he still persists the only sure way to stop him is to stay well away from him in another house preferably.

She didnt have to say no. She was unconscious. Therefore no opportunity to give consent. That's assault. He didnt hive her the chance to consent, therefore assaulted her.

There is no implied consent in marriage.

Hold on a minute

1 second
She should comply because they are married and he can and should do whatever he wants to her sexually whenever he wants as that's the whole point of being married
Next second
She should leave him immediately, irrespective of years married kids etc. Up and walk out right now if she doesn't then clearly she's asking for it and making a fuss about nothing

I see.

As I understood it she has said NO to this a few times.
This is a problem. What can be done to sort it?
Leave him Throw him out Break his arms Chop his hands off
Talking has not worked

Just because a person is married it does not mean that they have to stay and put up with rubbish.

Choose a method of stopping it.

Others have left marriages and other relationships when all else has failed. It is fairly common

While I would be 100% ok with my husband doing all of these things he didn’t do any of them before I made it clear that I liked it. I don’t think it is even remotely prudish or over sensitive to call this assault. You have made it clear to him that you don’t like it and he’s done it anyway. There is no other way to look at it. I appreciate the point that some pp have made that you are clearly sexually incompatible and you have both failed to deal with it effectively but you’re not assaulting him are you? I don’t really know what to say here besides that you shouldn’t feel like you have to put up with being assaulted for the sake of a marriage. If he won’t understand what he is doing wrong and stop you really should leave.

Sadly these threads come up often and you always get a few idiots yelling bUt mY HusBanD dOes tHiS anD I LikE iT!

I envy these people, who have no idea what it’s like to be sexually abused by someone who’s supposed to love you.

Then they’re banging on about it being OP’s fault for not leaving, for something that they said isn’t even a big deal in the first place. Again: idiots.

How many men would be happy with a couple of fingers inserted into their anuswity no lubricant while they’re asleep? Not many, I’ll bet.

@Proteinshakesandovieshat many couples have an agreement that it’s ok to wake each other up that way. It’s not as simple as she was sleeping. The issue here is not about her being asleep, it’s about the fact that there would be no room for doubt in his mind that she doesn’t want any of this.

'Break his arms Chop his hands off'

??!!??

Boggles it really is a simple as that.

Otherwise the law allows men to rape unconscious women and its only a crime of she says she didn't like it afterwards.

If she is drugged and doesn't know /can't remember etc then it's not a crime.

How will that play out for women do you think.

The fact that some people explicitly consent to this in advance is neither here nor there.

Men and boys are already taught to push /coerce for sex /sex acts.

Tell them it is legal to give whatever a try, while women are asleep /unconscious and where will we be.

The point about consensual sex is that no one reports anyone to the police.

This is all bizarre.

So men are ok to stick their fingers up unconscious women's cunts now are they, with no prior consent or indication out would be welcome. Is this all the time, only when they live in the same house, or what.

'The issue here is not about her being asleep'

Fucking hell!

Let's chuck all the capacity to consent laws out the window right now.

For my specific case, with DH I'd have no problem with it. In fact I like and enjoy it (the infrequent times it happens). I've also done the same.

I also recognize that many people would not be comfortable with that in any way. OP is clearly not it a good situation. I would not stay in such a relationship.

Okay this thread has dissolved into something horrific. There is no longer any support or thought or advice for the OP, just people infighting and scoring points over (mostly) semantics.

I appreciate I have been part of this, because I feel very strongly that the rape apologists on here should not be allowed to get away with their comments unchallenged.

Enough is enough. And I think the OP has probably been scared off her own thread, when she really needed support, and I'm really sorry about that.

many couples have an agreement that it’s ok to wake each other up that way. It’s not as simple as she was sleeping. The issue here is not about her being asleep, it’s about the fact that there would be no room for doubt in his mind that she doesn’t want any of this.

Actually the issue is very much she was asleep. If you do not have clear consent to wake someone up like this and they are unconscious, they you dont get to guess at wether they consent or not.

She was asleep. He has never been told she consents to this. He doesnt get to assume she would.

For the idiots on here, shall we go back and use the cup of tea analogy?

• DH makes wife a cup of tea (this is an analogy for him making a move or suggesting sex btw)
• Wife says "yes please" (this is what we call consent
• husband and wife mutually enjoy the tea (aka, they had consensual sex)

Now

• DH makes wife a cup of tea (as above)
• wife is asleep or says "no thank you"
• DH pours the tea down her throat anyways (this is sexual assault or rape)

Now, in some relationships, one or the other may have said "if I'm ever asleep and you pop the kettle on, just pour it down my throat whenever you like", personally I find this odd but you take your tea however you want.

Just because you have consented to this, doesn't mean that I, in a totally different marriage with a totally different partner, has also consented

Skip to 1:20

That is sexual assault. End of. You did not concent in any way shape or form. I would absolutely consider ending the relationship over this. Disgusting behaviour.

My DH wakes me up sometimes to DTD but never, ever like this. He's kind, caring, rubs my back, rubs my legs, cuddles me. It's a lovely way to wake up and be lovingly intimate with someone. We've also talked about it in advance.

What happened to you was without consent and therefore is assault.

It's up to you what happens next - perhaps you should get some advice first. Women's Aid perhaps?

I hope you’re okay OP. Do you have anyone who could support you in reporting this to the police?

Just wanted to add my support, OP.
All the minimising of your H's behaviour is horrifying. He was completely out of order.
I've been there and nothing kills desire faster than a man who sulks because he can't use your body when you're unwilling.

I like waking up to my husband being intimate with me.

So what? It’s irrelevant what you like. This thread is about the op.

The abuse label is a tad melodramatic.

No it isn’t. She did not consent to him penetrating her. That’s abuse.