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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just cancelled the wedding

337 replies

sirmione16 · 10/06/2019 22:08

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

OP posts:

sodonesooverit · 10/06/2019 22:11

Don't feel mortified - feel strong for not marrying the fucker!! So sorry he's done this to you - don't listen to his pathetic excuses.

Sarahlou63 · 10/06/2019 22:11

He's the one who fucked up, not you. Be glad and proud that you were strong enough to do what needed to be done.

Most people who have a breakdown go to their doctor...

DharmaInitiativeLady · 10/06/2019 22:12

Oh, OP. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you were extremely lucky to discover this in time to cancel the wedding. I wasn't so lucky and discovered everything 3 years and 2 kids later.

Sending you hugs, I know it's horrendous but it will get better.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/06/2019 22:13

so he had to stick his dick on another woman

OP credit to you for tackling this head on a cancelling the Wedding, you are a legend, despite your hurt you have not taken any shit, and be honest about why it's been cancelled.

maybe things will look different in a few weeks time, but right not you need to focus on you and your baby boy, not him.

SheWhoShouldNotBeNamed · 10/06/2019 22:14

Don't be mortified! It's him that should feel embarrassed and ashamed.

You are totally valid in your feelings. You're allowed to be hurt and angry. Do not let him talk you round with his excuses.

Original poster

sirmione16 · 10/06/2019 22:14

@Sarahlou63 I recognised he wasn't himself months ago and told him if he thought he was depressed or anything he should see a GP and he said it sounded a good idea but he never acted on it...

I think I'm more upset he felt he could talk to her and not me..

OP posts:

DharmaInitiativeLady · 10/06/2019 22:14

Sorry should also have said for God's sake do NOT go ahead with marrying him! People don't change.

I'd give anything to have known before my wedding. A cancelled wedding is better than a ruined life like mine :(

Ski40 · 10/06/2019 22:16

I am so sorry to read about what happened to you, it must really feel rotten. How long have you been together? Is he normally a good partner otherwise? I know it would be a dealbreaker for me but you seem to be open to work on it. Does he want to? I would definitely postpone the wedding as it would feel really bitter to me. Maybe have some time for life to calm down a bit and see if he works to earn back your trust. Big hugs and the best of luck xxx

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 22:16

I’m sorry you must be devastated. I’ve got a 4 month old too and know how tiring and all consuming they are right now. What a fucker to do that to you.
One day, one hour at a time.
Don’t be mortified, YOU have done nothing wrong

Pikapikachooo · 10/06/2019 22:18

You did right
My friend had this , went through with the wedding and he left her shortly afterward

You are very brave I know you feel shot but you are so brave

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 10/06/2019 22:18

Amazing, the amount of men who tackle depression by sticking their dicks in other women......

Original poster

sirmione16 · 10/06/2019 22:19

Thank you all, my family IRL have been supportive, sympathetic and understanding but I think this sort of "screw him" is what I needed to get through tonight!

Can you believe yesterday he was messaging her, whilst I took a cute photo of our wedding rings on the babies toes. How the fuxk could he do that? How could he be doing this so close to the wedding?!

It was my hen do the weekend, and he messaged her "I'm free all weekend" YEAH because your fiancé is on her hen do?!!!???? I feel so sick. And disrespected

OP posts:

babbi · 10/06/2019 22:22

Don’t be mortified- you are AWESOME 👏
Very well done for having the courage to call it off ...
people will applaud you for being the strong woman you clearly are ...

Congratulations on your baby ... enjoy your baby and be glad you are not facing life with a lying swine who can’t be trusted ..

I wish you well for a happy future ... you’re clearly someone with inner drive ... you’ll do well in life .... completely his loss

LorelaiRoryEmily · 10/06/2019 22:22

Op I have no advice I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for you. That’s horrendous. I think you’re right to cancel the wedding.

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 22:23

It was my hen do the weekend, and he messaged her "I'm free all weekend" YEAH because your fiancé is on her hen do?!!!???? I feel so sick. And disrespected

So not just a one night thing? Seems he was in it for the long haul. What a bastard.

Sarahlou63 · 10/06/2019 22:23

*I recognised he wasn't himself months ago and told him if he thought he was depressed or anything he should see a GP and he said it sounded a good idea but he never acted on it...

I think I'm more upset he felt he could talk to her and not me..*

Oh, lovie - he wasn't himself because he was taking the cowards way of distracting himself rather than dealing with your joint challenges. It is absolutely not your fault, one day - hopefully soon - you will see this and pity him.

Cuppycakes · 10/06/2019 22:24

So sorry to hear this OP .

The only person that should be mortified is him. Be glad that you were strong enough and cancelled rather than going through with it to just save face then possibly find yourself in an even messier situation further down the line.

Original poster

sirmione16 · 10/06/2019 22:25

@Ski40
ow long have you been together? Is he normally a good partner otherwise? I know it would be a dealbreaker for me but you seem to be open to work on it. Does he want to?

Been with him 5 years, and hand on heart we've had the perfect relationship up until 3 months ago everything's changed. He went from being thoughtful, patient, kind to short tempered, distant and non-caring. I've sat down and had 2 "heart to hearts" with him in which one he was crying and saying how hard he's finding life at the moment and that's all.

He seems regretful, he's cried a lot today and he keeps apologising. When I came home (told him to be gone by the time I did) he'd stocked the baby supply cupboard and bought dinner and breakfast stuff. He's text to show concern for how baby is and said he wants to talk really badly but whenever ready.

Apparently no sex has happened, just a lot of sexting and met up 2 times in a bar kissed/making our type thing. But he lied to me about where he was to go and do this. He prioritised her over spending time with me and the baby (we would've been home both these occasions)

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 10/06/2019 22:28

He’s a fuckwit coward and you are TOTALLY AWESOME.
Make bloody sure everyone knows the reason why.
You are so doing the right thing x

Original poster

sirmione16 · 10/06/2019 22:28

PS I certainly don't feel brave, and I know it's easy to think "fxck what other people think" but people are going to raise eyebrows and gossip at a called off wedding so close to the date

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 22:31

People will gossip you’re right.

But it’ll be - what an arse, who does that to a woman with a 4 month old baby? They’ll gossip about him, not you.

Missbee90 · 10/06/2019 22:32

Well done for acknowledging that you can’t marry this “man” in 5 weeks time.

You need to ask yourself honestly, could you ever trust him again? You have a new baby + planning a wedding and probably have needed his support more than ever and he’s decided to go and entertain another women. Of course he’s crying, he’s been found out.. what would’ve happened had you not found out?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I promise you if you do decide to leave that the hurt does heal, I know personally I couldn’t ever forgive cheating but everyone is different.

DpWm · 10/06/2019 22:33

up until 3 months ago everything's changed
Which coincides almost immediately after your baby was born ...

Doyoumind · 10/06/2019 22:34

You had a baby and he went off with someone else. It's that age old story.

There are no excuses. He let you down when he should have been there for you and your baby most.

Walk away and don't look back. Don't dare let him make out he's the victim. Be glad you've found out now. It will take time but things will be ok.

DpWm · 10/06/2019 22:34

but people are going to raise eyebrows and gossip at a called off wedding
Just tell them he went off shagging someone else straight after your baby was born.
No one will judge you

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