Just cancelled the wedding

[sirmione16]

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

The problem is that some men think they were put on this earth to be looked after and supported by others. But when it's their turn to step up to the plate, such as your situation, they are too selfish to provide the support for the other person and find a way to make it all about them (again). In some ways you are lucky that he has shown his true colours early on. You could have spent 20 years with him only to realise he only knows what it is like to take love, not to give love.

I wish you and your son all the best with whatever you to choose to do next. I hope you get the love that you deserve.

What a sad event OP. Course your doing right by cancelling the wedding no doubt re that, question is what to do next?.

I can't help but wonder if he's all there in the head somehow?. Yes shoot me down or up for asking that but it perhaps might be the thing to insist he sees a GP at least who can refer him off to a councellor or a similar MH service and see is there is anything else that can be done before you start any reconcillation talks.

Then up to you of course if you do get back together or not, but for the
moment give yourself a bit of time to recover from the shock of it all please!

PS I certainly don't feel brave, and I know it's easy to think "fxck what other people think" but people are going to raise eyebrows and gossip at a called off wedding so close to the date

They'd gossip even more if you got married and then divorced 6 months later, or if they knew he was cheating and you married him anyway. They're gossips, they're going to gossip about whatever they can and if you don't give them something to gossip about they'll probably exaggerate something benign just to fill the space.

Hold your head high for respecting yourself enough to take a step back and not be pressured into sleepwalking into a shitty situation. Maybe, with counseling, you can rebuild your relationship even stronger than it was before. Many couples have. Maybe you end up realising you don't want to, or you don't trust that he's not going to do it again. That's all fine. You have the space to do that now and it's easier to do it (and for him to take you seriously) because you've been decisive and clear over the wedding. Give yourself a little time to grieve for the future you thought you had mapped out, but don't blame yourself for canceling the wedding. Acknowledge your feelings and then pick yourself up, brush yourself off and look to the future. Your ability to make difficult decisions that respect yoruself in the face of all that pressure not to rock the boat is a good indicator that you have what it takes to make a really good future for yourself and your kid(s).

Christ sake don't ever take him back. It will be a green light to do it all again the next time your parts are unavailble for whatever reason. He has something missing. He's lucky you haven't punched his fucking teeth down his throat let alone having heart to hearts!

As PPs have said. Some men just expect (and often get) waiting on hand, foot and finger. They have absolutely nothing to give if the situation demands it and just go "Whaaaaa" when a beady eye is turned upon them. Tossers!

He should be so mortified, after all he's the man who's been caught cheating....,,,,,
Mmmmmmmm

I’m thinking depression my arse. Depressed people don’t spark up new ‘friendships’. They are too depressed! It’s an excuse. Sorry but it is! It’s a way of deflecting from what he has done.

Out him. Don't marry him. You'll be the stronger person.. it won't be easy. Honesty is the best policy. You'll be the happier long term.

Any gossiping will be along the lines of, "Did you hear what that arsehole did to OP?" None of it will judge you, only him. A bit of gossip is a small price to pay for saving yourself from further pain.

Also, putting a few bits of food in the cupboard does not make up for cheating (and let's face it, why else would he tell the OW he was free all weekend unless there was actual cheating going on?) on the mother of a newborn - HIS newborn. Please don't fall for his woe-is-me act. He thinks it's a get out of jail free card. Show him it is not.

He is appalling and should be outed to friends and family. You have done the right thing by yourself and your baby.

Big hugs xx

Who was looking after the baby while you were on your hen weekend? Was he messaging that other woman while looking after the baby???!! That’s really vile. He’s a disgusting liar. Good for you for calling off the wedding

You get a plus 1 from me!

Mine was similar, though no looming wedding and I hated him at that stage, but yeah, the indifference, arrogance, childishness, cruelty etc? I had all that. I didn't give a fuck at that point though, so I'm sorry you're still caring about him. That's hard.

I know it's hard now but you really have massively dodged a bullet OP. From what you've said he sounds the type that would do this over and over again. Nobody deserves a marriage like that. You and your beautiful baby don't need this shithead

I recognized he wasn’t himself months ago.

He became “short-tempered, distant and non-caring” because he was having this affair and wanted to put emotional distance between you to justify it. He wanted to prioritize OW, so he treated you with contempt. He still is.

He may be crying and apologizing, but he and OW are still together. He most certainly has minimized, and I would assume they’ve had sex. Get angry and don’t participate in his pity party. Stress did not make him lie and cheat.

Sirmione, you are devastated, but throwing him out and canceling the wedding took courage. You respected your dignity when he did not.

You are awesome, Sirmione16.

Hats off to you

Go and get STD tested.

Your fiance is sorry - sorry that he has been caught.

Many immature men find it very difficult to cope with their partner's pregnancy and then the baby when he or she arrives.

This is because they have been socialised to believe they are the centre of the universe and that women owe them all of their attention and affection, with no room for anyone or anything else. So they 'reach out' to another woman when they are faced with a reality that is too much for them - i.e. that women were not put on earth to dance attention on them and that a female partner who is the mother of his child has valid needs and preoccupations of her own.

And even now he is trying to get you all concerned and upset about his distress, and focused on him, with the story that he couldn't reach out to you implying that this was because you were so selfishly caught up in pregnancy and the wedding planning that you couldn't see how awful he was feeling - a nice swipe at you.

Depression my arse.

You are dealing with a selfish, manipulative, immature liar.

I would out him.

No more sitting down and talking things out. In doing that you are inviting him to insult your intelligence

Who cares about him or what he says. He's lying. If someone loves you they don't cheat on your break your heart and ruin your child's future and family life. I would cut off all contact and focus on your own healing from this heartbreak

@Sirmione16

You are 100% right to call off the wedding to this selfish, lying cheat

You and your baby deserve better

Hey, don't EVER worry about being "that girl" - I had to call my wedding off a few weeks prior to it as well, because my fiancé had fucked off with someone else.

It doesn't matter if yours hasn't actually voluntarily left - he left the relationship when he started with this other woman. It doesn't even matter if they've had actual sex they have - he's cheated on you.

Ring all the people you need to, to cancel, and TELL them that he's cheated on you. You'd be amazed how sympathetic most of them will be. Well, I was, anyway. The only ones who were not were the stuck-up venue - wasn't like they couldn't have rebooked it, but they didn't give me back the deposit because arseholes. EVERYONE else was lovely, even the haberdashers - they took back a cut length of fabric, which they don't usually do.

And yes - his cheating started when you became less available because you'd just had a baby - fucking hopeless manchild who couldn't cope with sharing your attention!

Please don't take him back - if he stumbled at this first hurdle, I doubt he's going to get any better.

Hugs to you. He’s awful. You deserve better

How did you find out about his affair, OP?

You've went through a massive change lately and now got a beautiful little boy. When he should be supporting you instead he's running around acting like a teenager texting this other woman.

He's only upset he's been caught. When you were out on your hen do he was texting this other woman telling her he's "free". No mate, you've got a newborn and a fiancee. You're not free to do anything with this woman and I bet you'll uncover more about what is going on with them soon enough

You 100% did the right thing. If people gossip it will be about them not you. Hold your head up high, surround yourself with people who care about you and focus on you and your son.

OH god don’t take him back.

If he can cheat on you at the most vulnerable time in your life you stand no chance.

He totally slept with her.

No one will judge you, they will gossip about him.

@HermioneMakepeace found messages. As I said, I had suspected something for a few months and it was the fact the wedding was getting close and we weren't improving that I thought I just HAD to know for definite, so I looked through his phone. I have never done it before, always respected his privacy etc and honestly never felt the need to all this time.

thank you for all your comments, your encouragement and opinions have honestly built me up SO much. Someone said to grieve for what I thought my life would be, and that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. It's unbelievably hard accepting all this. Surprisingly I slept well last night, but waking up and realising I've still got these major decisions to make is daunting.

Right now, I'm leaning towards breaking up, and going to counselling maybe together, and seeing how I feel over the next days, weeks, months. Him moving out will certainly show me whether I feel relieved he's gone or if I feel I could possibly re build something one day.

Coming to terms with the fact I only just started my "family" and now it's been ripped away from me through no fault of my own is breaking my heart

Just want to say that crying and begging don't mean he wouldn't do it again. My ex did that. Very convincing, but it didn't stick.

He also claimed depression and stress as the cause.

The first time he was unfaithful was while I was pregnant with our first.

What he's done, and the things he is saying, are far from unique.

I'm sorry, I know how painful this is. I'd really recommend you don't take him back. It'll happen again and you'll never have peace of mind with him.

I’m so sorry that your going through this....he may not have had sex with her but he hasn’t prioritised you and your little boy throughout all of this. I can imagine your head is all over the place and your heart is hurting. Take some time ask him to go and stay elsewhere, and really consider if you can trust him again, because if you can’t then it’s best to end it now. For me I would be constantly worrying about people in his phone, what if you had another baby would it happen again? But only you truly know deep down what your gut feeling is. I wish you well and hope you find some contentment soon. You are brave and strong which is an amazing set of attributes to have and show your son x

Well done OP - I had to cancel mine too. It was brutal, but a damn sight better than pretending it was all fine and pushing on.

What an utter twat he sounds.... also, he hasn't told you the half of it. They rarely do.