Just cancelled the wedding

[sirmione16]

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

No wise words for you OP, just sending strength. I think that time is a healer, as clichéd as that is. You need to give yourself time to grieve for the life and future you had. Don't make any huge decisions. It might take a month or two, but you'll know what to do.

He has demonstrated himself to be rhr very worst kind of partner. Just remember that you and your DC are worth more. Much, much more.

I recognised he wasn't himself months ago and told him if he thought he was depressed or anything he should see a GP and he said it sounded a good idea but he never acted on it...

we've had the perfect relationship up until 3 months ago everything's changed. He went from being thoughtful, patient, kind to short tempered, distant and non-caring. I've sat down and had 2 "heart to hearts" with him in which one he was crying and saying how hard he's finding life at the moment and that's all

Thats because this is when he started fucking about with other women.

The crying was the guilt.

@Bossinger I agree, and had reached that conclusion looking back. Makes my skin crawl thinking I wrapped my arms around him and comforted him

He's oven you space, etc....

But at some point comes the bill: what's in it for him?

He's been kind and patient for XX days.

He's restocked your baby food cupboards to the tune of £xx.

At which point (he's wondering) has he done enough? So that you're ok and he can go back to how things were (i.e. shagging around and you not complaining).

Consider instead what else he should be doing: genuine self-reflection. And if he's still under your roof, with all (or even some of) the amenities therein, there's been no penalty, and therefore no need to Think About Things.

Chumplady has some sassy words about "genuine naugahyde remorse". Do read them.

I would expect there to be a lot more anger to get through before you get close to acceptance. Because this future of single parenting you're now facing wasn't your choice! And how dare he throw away what you thought he valued as much as you did!

But if you're struggling and thinking you might make a foolish decision, how about giving yourself three months? Three months of space from him, which means he moves out, you just communicate about his contact with the DC when necessary, and other than that, nothing. A bit of space and peace in which to process. Because it takes time. You can't even think clearly yet.

And after three months, you decide if you're through with him, or if you think you can work through it. But the advantage you have at that point is some experience of managing by yourself. Some realisation of your own strength. (And maybe some further insight into his character.)

OP, just take each day as it comes. It will get easier. My EXH had an affair before we got married. I ignored it and thought it was a one off. We married a couple of years later and had 2 children. 12 years later he had another affair. This time I kicked him out. It was really hard As he wouldn’t leave. He cried, he rolled around on the floor. But ultimately he never said sorry, he never tried to make things better and he didn’t end it with the OW. He had to go. It was so hard as he was my fUture. I still love him but I don’t like him, his lack of morals and I will never forgive him. You are doing so well OP. Just look after your baby, see your friends and family and don’t look ahead.

SandyY2K I don't know what he could do tbh. He has done everything he can

I've supported a lot of ppl in his position who are desperate to get back together after infidelity.

The two questions a cheating spouse or DP hasn't been able to answer when I ask, is *If your DW/DH/DP was the one who cheated, what could they possibly say or do to make you give them another chance?

Followed with How, given the fact they've cheated would they be able to convince you you could trust them again?*

Only when faced with these questions do they get a sense of what it's like to be you and realise...they aren't able to come up with anything.

A man recently was insistent that he'd never cheat again...but I wanted him to think about it...given he only ended the affair when he was caught....I asked if he knew what would convince him to try again if the shoe was on the other foot, perhaps he could do and say whatever it was for his GF... he came up blank.

So, if you were the one who cheated, would your fiance forgive you? What would make him think that you loved him when you were planning to meet up with another man on his stag night?

I've not yet been given an answer by a cheating spouse/partner, because when faced with those questions... there's really nothing solid they can think of that would truly convince them...yet they want a second chance for themselves.

I guess that's human nature.

I'm not saying this to sway you one way or another...but I'd be expecting my cheating fiance to walk over hot coals (not literally) and pull out all the stops to show me he was all in.

Having said that, sometimes the damage is done, trust is gone and no matter how hard you want to, there's no getting it back.

Starting marriage like this (I know you've cancelled the wedding) is
like building your house on sand... it would be a very shaky foundation.

Your emotions will be up and down. Ppl are asking where your anger is. It comes and goes...it's a rollercoaster of emotions...you won't and can't be in a constant state of anger. It's not healthy for you.
You feel how you feel. There's no right or wrong.

It's a cycle of denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance... in no particular order.

Sirmione - when my fiancé left me and I was still thinking that if only he came back, I'd take him back, a very good friend of mine's husband told me this:
Think of your relationship as a glass ornament. He's taken that and smashed it. Sure, you can glue it back together if you want to - but the cracks will always be visible, and it will never look the same again.

This was very valuable to me because it did highlight, perfectly, that this would Never Go Away - it would always be there, I would always wonder, the trust had gone and would never entirely return.

As it turned out, this one never did come back and thank goodness!

But the analogy still holds true for you - can you bear to have a sub-standard, cracks-showing relationship from now on? There's no merit in subsuming your feelings for "the relationship" here - you have to do what's right FOR YOU and for your baby.
Your baby does not need to have a flake of a father in your life - who knows if/when he'll fuck off again, when your baby is older, maybe 5, 10, 15, whatever. Far harder for your child to deal with at an older age - especially as it then comes with the risk of them feeling that it's somehow their fault Daddy has gone off. What if you got pg again and he fucked off again at that point, or when the new baby was born? Think how THAT would affect your current DS's train of thought - "oh it must be because of the baby that Daddy has gone" - and how that would affect sibling relationships.

SO MUCH more to consider in this scenario, than just your relationship with this dickweevil.

I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship. He's nearly throttled her a couple of times, but she keeps taking him back. She hasn't reached the point of being able to resist him. She's doing therapy and course after course, and now at least understands that her feelings for him are an addiction, like a drug addiction - she likes the high she gets from being with him when he's not under the influence of alcohol so forgives the lows where he beats her and tries to kill her, in front of her children. It affects her children too but STILL she can't seem to let it go - she knows it's wrong, but her heart/hormones haven't caught up with her head yet.

Head should win, honestly. The heart can be a bit dim sometimes.

The heart can be a bit dim sometimes.

So true.

And we overvalue love. Love that holds us in place where we are treated badly and hurt, is not a good thing and shouldn't be listened to.

The heart's also a bit of a liar/dramatist, it says it'll die and never love or be loved again, etc, but you know, we recover, we find someone else: widows remarry, divorcees lead happy lives.

No comfort when you're going through the pain of it, of course.

I would agree with thumbwitchesabroad. You have to ask yourself what life do I want for me and my child? I know it not easy to cancel a wedding or to end what is a serious relationship especially after having a baby together.

I know a lady who was in your position a few years ago. She went on to marry him. When her children were 6, 3 and a baby her "loving husband" arrived home and told her I am moving abroad with my girlfriend as she is pregnant.
She was left 2 kids unhappy and upset with daddy leaving. She lost her house as her husband made 3/4 of their income so she ended up moving in with relatives.
You have to remember the pain you felt when you found out he was cheating on you. Ask yourself how would you baby cope as a child if you broke up because he cheated on you again? How would your child cope if daddy had a new baby with his new girlfriend?
Long term you have to think of what you do can effect your baby and child. If you know their father can't be trusted your better bringing up the child on your own. Make sure you get maintenance off him. Let him visit and co parent the child. Try to remain as civil as possible with him and don't say anything nasty about him to your child as they grow up. Some parents split up and they fight over the child. Then the more child is caught in the middle of a pair of waring parents which is not fair on them.

Just checking in to see how you are doing as I said keep posting so I've kind of committed to come back here! There's no wrong or right answers OP, I hope you've found a solution you can live with.

That was a good thought, SomeonesRealName.

.I'm thinking of you too sirmione16. How are you doing? We're still here if you need us.