Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just cancelled the wedding

337 replies

sirmione16 · 10/06/2019 22:08

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

OP posts:
BattenburgIsland · 10/06/2019 22:53

Good for you. Stay strong Flowers
Dont marry a man who's cheated on you... when you have his 4 month old baby!! That's just disgusting. You deserve so much better. And there are decent men out there who would stand by you and who would be much more worth marrying... it's supposed to be a partnership... you are supposed to be a team who have each others backs....
This man let you down at the very first hurdle. Cancel the wedding and dont for a moment feel ashamed because this is his fault and he is the one with the shame.
In the short term it will hurt but your life will be so much better than if you marry this man that you cannot trust.

purplecatt · 10/06/2019 22:54

He's not the first man to change once a baby comes into the picture. And of course he's had sex with her.

I wouldn't take him back. He's weak and a liar. I'd be getting an STD check.

user1486131602 · 10/06/2019 22:54

What a complete dick!
I am glad you had the courage to do what’s right for you and your baby. Cancelling doesn’t have to be something to be ashamed of, that’s a big ballsy thing to do.....go girl!
Take time to make yourself better. Let him do the same.
I wish you the best and send love 💕 and hugs 🤗

Ellie56 · 10/06/2019 22:54

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding

Don't feel mortified. You're the girl who cancelled her wedding because she decided she didn't want a knob for a husband.

stanski · 10/06/2019 22:55

You are a legend OP. Hats off for your quick reaction to this.

Ellie56 · 10/06/2019 22:55

And all you have to tell anyone is that you found out he wasn't the person you thought he was.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 10/06/2019 22:59

My ex struggled to manage with no longer coming first with me. He was jealous of the baby and resentful about me not wanting to have sex with him very soon after the birth.

I didn't pick up on this before the birth but he seemed resentful I was getting attention as a pregnant woman.

I believe he cheated soon after I gave birth but was unable to get definite proof (whilst I was in hospital with complications after the birth).

I wish I'd ended things at this time because he was quite convincing.

When a previous ex had depression he didn't want sex for months until he'd started recovering and being medicated.

Lilymossflower · 10/06/2019 22:59

He's an absolute horrible twatface and you will be so much better off when he is moved out and fucked off

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 10/06/2019 23:00

Sorry, meant wish I had ended things then but he was really convincing about changing so I didn't.

Grainedmonkey · 10/06/2019 23:04

Agree with the other posters who say he has definitely had sex with her and is stupid to try and deny it. What an arsehole. Is it someone from his work who knows you as well ?

Honeyroar · 10/06/2019 23:04

I had a cancelled wedding because of a cheating fiancée years ago. I remember that feeling of "everyone will talk". In reality nobody did, most were extremely concerned and sympathetic to me. There was a lot of support. If anything he got the worst of it, everyone found out, one way or another, what had happened, and he was the one that got judged. (One of the reasons he was so upset and guilty initially)

Surround yourself with friends and family. Lean on them. Don't be swayed by his guilt or tears. This wasn't a one off (and he so will have been sleeping with her, he won't have been suggesting he was free the whole time you were away for chats and flirting..). It was the lying and scheming behind my back for so long, rather than the sex, that was the deal breaker for me.

Annasgirl · 10/06/2019 23:05

Oh you dear girl OP, you deserve so much better and one day you will find it. You are so strong and you will get through this. My friend cancelled her wedding because she just realised she didn't love the guy so you can do this - no one will gossip about you, they will be disgusted at your DP (who is not a DP now by the way!!! but I am using the MN term).

Have you friends or family who can move in for a couple of weeks to help you out? You need to tell him to leave - do you need to get someone to come and help you do that?

I honestly cannot believe he has the cheek to cry - I am so angry on your behalf, if you were my DD I would go over there and run him out of your life.

You need hugs and support OP, I really hope your friends and family can come over to you and physically support you tonight.

wastedyearsandtears · 10/06/2019 23:09

You good, strong, brave girl. I have to add lucky too. Better to find out now than after 40 years of marriage that you are married to a lying, cheating bastard. You will not face a wasted life, looking back at empty memories and knowing you have lived a lie. Loyalty is the most underrated virtue, and he has fallen at the first setback.
You would never trust him again - he is a selfish, weak excuse of a man. You deserve so much better.
Go girl.

Allhailthesun · 10/06/2019 23:10

Good for you. The easy option is just to go ahead with your fingers crossed and only have to be on Mumsnet a short while to read how that turns out.

It leaves you in a stronger position. He knows now you won’t put up with it and you can legitimately tell anyone you want about the affair and get total sympathy.

I would move him out and start over. Maybe you can overcome his cheating. But its up to him to make it work. You can step back and view your relationship objectively.

whatthehe11 · 10/06/2019 23:10

People will gossip, but you have taken a brave step in not being railroaded into anything you could regret.

He will be stepping up now as he wants to smooth things over make you realise how "great" he is / can be.

Don't be rushed. Whatever you choose to do, do it in your own time.

Babyduck2 · 10/06/2019 23:11

What a prick. Don't fall for his bullshit stories, he's playing the sympathy card so you feel sorry for him rather than be angry with him. Pack his bags and tell him his poor me routine might work on his bit on the side but it won't with you. You deserve so much better!

rollingpine · 10/06/2019 23:15

Christ, what a bastard, I am so sorry Flowers

FancyAPint · 10/06/2019 23:22

don't fall for it, he's only sorry he's been caught.

Stay strong otherwise you'll be facing this again in 1 year, 3yrs 5yrs....... (probably with a 2nd baby in tow).

He is the one that looks stupid not you.

Flowers
Isatis · 10/06/2019 23:34

It's a very strange breakdown that causes someone to enter into a secret relationship which can only impose more strains.

FabledChinHair · 10/06/2019 23:39

Let people gossip, you've got nothing to be fucking ashamed of. He has. Sorry but I am so angry for you, yet another coward that can't keep his dick in his pants. Do not marry this coward.

foreverhanging · 10/06/2019 23:43

Close shave, op. You'll look back with a sigh of relief one day.

foreverhanging · 10/06/2019 23:46

You are a powerhouse op. You can do this ✊🏻

Ilady · 10/06/2019 23:56

You have done the right thing by cancelling the wedding. He cheats on you despite you having his child and planning a wedding.
He is trying hard now to get things back to where the way they were. He does not want his family, friends and co workers to find out just what he is really like. If he cheats on you once he will do it again.
You and your baby deserve so much more than this. I hope in time you will see you did the right thing for you both you and the baby.
Let him deal with the results of his actions. I would also tell him that you want any of the money you put towards the wedding back. Tell him to get a loan if needs be to pay you this. If you have a mortgage with him get some legal advice and don't move out or sell the house until you do this.
In fact pack his bags and tell him to go to his girlfriend as he is no longer staying with you.
I wish you and the baby the happy lives you both deserve.

Miniloso · 10/06/2019 23:58

However hard it is, be glad you found out now. You’ll meet someone lovely instead in the future. He’s a loser, good riddance!

Spudina · 11/06/2019 00:01

Well done OP. You can (and will) get through this. There's just something utterly fucking despicable about a man who cheats when his partner is pregnant/just given birth. Like you don't feel vulnerable enough already! Truth is, if he could this to you at the time you need him most, you can never rely on him. Hold your head up high and be proud of this decision.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread