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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just cancelled the wedding

337 replies

sirmione16 · 10/06/2019 22:08

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 15/06/2019 14:21

In my case it seemed to start changing when I started to look obviously pregnant and he felt ignored. I had to redirect attention to him so he'd not be in a mood afterwards.

Honeyroar · 15/06/2019 14:42

When you said the baby won't know how much in love you were, how you were good together you reminded me of something a colleague said to me when my ex cheated. Her father had cheated on her mother when she was little. Her parents stayed together for the sake of the family. Her father cheated time and time again. Both her parents thought the children didn't know about the cracks and flaws in their marriage, that they didn't hear the rows when they were in bed. They thought they were doing a great job of staying together for the children. My colleague, now a wife and mother herself, said she'd grown up thinking she never wanted such a relationship for herself (which is amazing, she could have grown up thinking that was what a normal marriage was like!).

Long story short, your child won't grow up knowing how much you love each other because your fiancé doesn't show it anyway.. But he can still grow up with two parents that are seperate but work together for him and you can still tell him that you were very much in love once but it just didn't quite work.

Ginger1982 · 15/06/2019 17:40

@sirmione16 he clearly WASN'T as in love with you as you thought. He clearly WASN'T part of any 'team.' He clearly WASN'T supporting you. Your baby will be better off growing up with an example of his mum being strong and independent and not letting herself be walked over.

Original poster
sirmione16 · 15/06/2019 17:40
Sad
OP posts:
Xmas2020 · 15/06/2019 17:45

You had a lucky escape! I work in a very stressful job, have kids etc etc, but I don't go running round reaching out having an affair! Count your lucky stars, your Ex is a dick who got caught.

mathanxiety · 15/06/2019 17:52

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sat 15-Jun-19 14:10:09

The baby is four months old and three months ago he started distancing himself from you so he could shag this woman. So you know that the maximum amount of time he can cope with not being the centre of your attention is FOUR WEEKS, and that when you've just become parents for the first time, which for most people is exhausting but exciting and involving.

Would you ever dare have another baby with him if you took him back?

THIS ^^

mathanxiety · 15/06/2019 18:11

And every time you sense he is getting a little distant, snappy, cold, or preoccupied with his phone, what you will feel?

IncrediblySadToo · 15/06/2019 18:59

((HUG))

You’re doing very well so far 🌷

I just wrote you a really long post, but decided I didn’t want the dailyfuckingfail posting it. Sorry.

Short version.

I ‘get’ that you love him, aren’t angry, just hurt. That you feel people deserve second chances and that you have too much history & planned future to just finish it now. I felt the same, I tried to put it behind us, that near destroyed me - way more than his affair.

You said you didn’t want to start over and rebuild your life - no matter whether yo stsy with him or not, you will have to do that, you can’t just turn back the clock and have it how it was before.

He’s no different to any of our (now) ex’s. All tears, promises, excuses and pathetic attempts at winning you over - as soon as he’s got his feet back under the table that’ll be that. He’ll expect you to be ‘over it’. He’ll feel like he’s won and you’ll feel like shit. You won’t trust him. You’ll walk on eggshells in case you upset him and he ‘turns to someone else’. It. Is. Hell.

Don’t do it. Don’t extend and delay the pain, just deal with it now.

category12 · 15/06/2019 19:11

There's a bit in the Tall Guy (old rom-com) where Emma Thompson gets cheated on by Jeff Goldblum and he says "she didn't mean anything to me" and she replies "but neither did I". Something like that anyway.

Sorry things are looking so bleak,OP. Flowers

annielouise · 15/06/2019 19:42

If you were to patch things up what future do you see with him?

Another baby?

Another wedding?

Both will be linked to the first two that should have been a special time and weren't - why? Because he shat on them.

What is he doing to make amends? What promises is he making (even if they end up being empty)?

Will you be able to trust him again?

Will you be able to look back after 30 years together and think that was a blip but we've been happy?

Do you believe this man has any true depth, integrity, decency or sincerity?

Honeyroar · 15/06/2019 20:11

Sorry, I know what we're saying must make you feel rotten. 💐💐💐

Miniloso · 15/06/2019 22:58

I’d also say, it’s not that he doesn’t love you enough, it’s that he’s incapable of loving ANYONE enough.

IM0GEN · 16/06/2019 16:53

You need to read that Chump Lady link OP, it’s spot on

GirlOnIt · 16/06/2019 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirlOnIt · 16/06/2019 17:17

Apologies Op. I meant to post that on my own thread. I've reported it x

StillWould · 16/06/2019 17:31

OP the person who you are meant to be able to trust and rely the most deceived you at the worst possible time. He is not the person you thought he was and is not worth your energy. If you take this person back bear in mind it’s not the lovely, loyal and dependable man you believed him to be that you will be inviting back into your life. Instead you are permitting a cheat and a liar whose bad behaviour has gone unpunished, who therefore has no reason to change, to pick up where he left off.

The person you loved and the relationship you had no longer exists, do you even like this deceitful, unremorseful and unloving stranger?

motherofcats81 · 16/06/2019 17:45

An amazing team doesn't mean one member of it deserting the mother of his child to shag someone else while she is vulnerable and caring for his offspring.

I'm sorry OP, this must all sound very harsh, but the way you are describing your relationship is the way you wanted it to be, not the reality.

Cheating is always bad, but there is a special place in hell for men who do it while their partner is nursing their baby. And on their hen do too. It really doesn't get any worse than that.

If you do split now, your child won't be affected as they are so young, but if you continue your child will definitely come from a broken marriage because your OH will do this again, a man that can sink so low at a time like this is not going to change forever.

I know this is absolutely heartbreaking, but don't make a choice which will ensure that heartbreak goes on and on for years.

Original poster
sirmione16 · 18/06/2019 17:28

Hi all. Tough few days, I'm not healing well. I feel a shell of who I used to be.

I'm starting to try to look forward and figure out what my future may look like. I never wanted to be a single parent, and I'm seriously struggling to accept this - my heart and urges say not to do it. How do people over come that feeling? How do you reach a place of acceptance? Especially when a part of you still loves that person despite the awful things they've done - how do you make your head overrule your heart?

Please help

OP posts:
Original poster
sirmione16 · 18/06/2019 17:29

@Miniloso that link did help me, thank you. I read it at a weak point of crying and despair led on my bed and it made me sit up, wipe my face and feel a little stronger.

OP posts:
Miniloso · 18/06/2019 17:34

@sirmione16 ❤️

1forAll74 · 18/06/2019 17:44

Even if you could ever talk all this through later, you certainly would,and could not, enjoy a wedding day now. Such awful,and damaging behaviour from your partner !

Annasgirl · 18/06/2019 17:50

@sirmione16 it will take time but you will get through this, you have to for your DC. That is what will get you out of bed each day and you will put one foot in front of the other, and go on with life. Then one day you will realise that you laughed at something. Another day you will realise that you felt happy for part of that day ....... life will be good again but it is hard to see it now.

I've had some awful stuff happen in relationships and I thought I would never heal, but I have and you will too.

Do not think that you have to feel happy or reach for happiness - happiness is overrated. Feel content that you have done what is best for you and your child, the rest will follow.

SandyY2K · 18/06/2019 17:53

The sad thing is he's not really done anything to show he's worthy of a second chance, that you're the only one for him, that he loves you, that he is full of remorse and that he will go above and beyond to be the man you fell in love with...never letting you down and betraying you like this.

Why wouldn't he do that?

Original poster
sirmione16 · 18/06/2019 18:32

@SandyY2K I don't know what he could do tbh. He has done everything he can, which isn't a lot. He's given me space, he's listened and not retaliated when I've had to yell and scream. He's promised and apologised over and over. He's cried whenever it gets emotional. He is making effort with the house/baby. He has arranged counselling and is 100% willing and says he's relieved I'm even considering it.

It just doesn't take away from what he's done. Nothing can. Nothing will. My life has changed now. Whether I stay or leave, its changed. Forever.

OP posts:
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