Just cancelled the wedding

[sirmione16]

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

jellybellydancer is right. This is supposed to be the most exciting time of your life. Getting married, have a new baby...you are supposed to be in to each other right now especially as about to be newly weds! If not now, then when? Why did he ask you to marry him if he wants to seek attention elsewhere? It’s all very strange. If he’s not dedicated to you now and avoiding pretty women then if you hit a bad spell (illness, bereavement, hard times) where’s the proof he will stand by you during a storm? He got going even though he had lots of reasons to stick around. You need to get to the bottom of why he did what he did. Depression doesn’t cut it. Depressed people don’t message strangers about getting together at the weekend!! They just don’t.

'I think I'm more upset he felt he could talk to her and not me..'

They weren't 'talking' they were fucking

He just wants to guilt you out so uses the 'talking' bollox

Stay strong Op

I seriously wouldn't bother with couple counselling at this stage

He's basically been caught

He'd have married you whilst all this going on.

Says much about him

You don't need to be with someone who thinks that is ok

Your decision to call off the wedding is entirely the right one, sirmione16. Loyalty is - or should be - the foundation of a happy marriage. You should be able to totally trust your DH, and he you. You're never going to be able to trust this fool again.

You are young, you have character and strength. There's no doubt that someone much better - a decent, generous spirited man - is in your future.

The two of you have just had a baby and were planning your wedding - this should have been one of the happiest stages of your relationship. Instead Mr Charming goes off tom catting and, when he gets caught he blames depression.

Well I have chronic depression and I can tell you that cheating on your DP is the last thing a depressed person would do. Having an affair requires energy, commitment to concealment - oh, and a sex drive.

How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you catch him out?

There are worse things than being (briefly) gossiped about. Like marrying a man that you won't ever be able to fully trust again. You are lucky because you have found out before you got married and had more children. You now have the amazing opportunity to meet someone honest and kind and trustworthy.
Honest to god, every single one of them denies having sex so don't take that at face value.

My ex denied he'd had sex with the OW. He said he'd not been able to get it up because he thought of me and felt so guilty.

Total, utter horseshit. Her pregnancy disproved that lie.

Well done. I think you are brave and did the right thing. You dont get married for other people so only do it if it feels right. He is an arse, it wasnt a drunken one off, but in it for the long haul saying that he's free this weekend! Get rid of him, he"s dead weight.

So, you have counselling, get married and in (say) three years he's promoted to a more stressful job but takes it because you need the money. Will you really be able to trust him, or will he be out having another therapy shag? You did the right thing.

You did the right thing, OP.

Oh sure,they never had sex-and I've got a unicorn grazing on my front lawn!

You've done the right thing, Sirmione. I'm planning my wedding next year right now; and I hope to god I'm never in your situation, but if I am, I hope I can handle it as wisely as you have

Haven't RTFT but if this happened to someone I knew I'd have nothing but respect for that person cancelling the wedding. Its a hard decision to make but sounds like it's the right one and I wouldn't be gossiping or judging at all. (and I love a gossip!) good luck OP

Thank you all again.

Today I started ringing suppliers and cancelling orders/arrangements. Our venue has actually waived our invoice which is amazing of them. Unfortunately other suppliers understandably can't refund. He hasn't even regarded the fact that his sister paid for our band, his friend is baking our cake and bought supplies, his parents and my parents have put in thousands, I've personally paid hundreds. Never mind guests who've paid for outfits, hotels, travel etc And because I've found out so late all this money is gone, for nothing. If he had been honest sooner they could all have suffered less of a loss financially. Downright selfish, and it makes me angry.

I know people will say finances don't matter as long as I've dodged the bullet, but it's a kick in the teeth

@AnchorDownDeepBreath want any supplies?! Going free.

But seriously drop me a private message if so, I want it gone.

Of course it is. And it just adds an extra layer to his scumminess.

If I was you, I would 100% tell people why it’s cancelled.

I really would.

It’ll get out anyway and why should you shoulder any of the blame for people’s loss of money, or inconvenience?

Tell them. Don’t protect the fucking fucker.

I actually would sell as much as you can, too! Might as well try to get some money back

You’re totally doing the right thing.

I’m sorry he’s such an arse.

You’re doing the right thing for both of you

Can I ask why you're doing the cancellations? I'd have thought it would be on him to do that.

Oh you poor thing...And you amazing thing too x

You’re reacting exactly in the right way, and not sacrificing your own life for the sake of the flower arranger, or the guests hotel bills etc. no matter how upsetting and wasteful it feels now, this will all be over in the next few weeks, and well, it is what it is, you’re dealing with HIS mess, not yours.

Thank goodness you’re seeing through all the messy stuff floating around and not being diverted by embarrassment or fear of ‘letting people down etc, as some people would actually just get swept along with everything and get married to someone who’ve proved that they don’t love them and don’t have their best interests at heart. Basically sacrificing themselves for politeness sake... getting deeper in with someone who has hurt them more than anyone else in the world. More enmeshed with someone who hurts them more than their worst enemy.

So pleased you aren’t making this mistake! It’s sadly such an easy one to make for many women, because we are socialized not to take care of ourselves or protect ourselves well enough.

So yay for you! Please carry on what you are doing. It’s awful now but you’ll get to the other side quicker this way.

And on the other side, is a new life without hurt and betrayal, and the chance of happiness and love x

@ category12 he wouldnt though would he? Plus OP now has the feeling of control, which the selfish cheating fuckwit took from her when he had and hid his affair.

Both me and dh live with depression and both have had breakdowns. Strangely enough neither of us turned to others for a quick fuck.
I don't think you can move on from this, he didn't confide in you, he obviously can't. This will be your future together.
So sorry this is happening to you, he isn't worth it, and screwing around is no excuse.
Go get an std check, tell him you hope he's proud of himself.

I don't know, he might. he might want to take that load off the OP's shoulders since he's cheated on her and broken everything. I just think women automatically pick up the man's mess as if it's their problem, so the bloke is perpetually cushioned from the fallout and consequences of their shite behaviour. .

Now there could be very good reasons, such as only OP can do it, or she wants to feel in control, or she wants to make sure she gets any refunds, and that would all be fair enough - it just struck me why should it fall to her.

Yes, tell him to do some cancelling and make sure he tells them why.
Please don't give him an inch, he doesn't deserve any sympathy, let him rot.
As for your friends and family, if I was one of them I'd be so proud you found out and aren't marrying the scum bag, and the new outfit/ hotel I'd enjoy with my dh as a sort of treat we don't get often enough.
Anybody who feels personally put out isn't worth it, my love.