Just cancelled the wedding

[sirmione16]

4 month old baby. 5 weeks until the wedding. Discovered he's been cheating. Have told him there's no way I can marry him in 5 weeks time, so cancelled it. Will sort logistics tomorrow/this week

He started a new stressful job last October, baby came January, wedding looming and claims he's had a breakdown, not wanted to show or tell me and he just reached out to this girl as a confidence boost.

Can this ever be moved on from? Will counselling be beneficial, if he is emotionally down as much as he says? Or would I be stupid to try and save this?

I'm mortified at being that girl who cancelled her wedding, I feel like he's stole this from me... I've got to be strong for my baby boy but my god do I hurt

Hi OP well done for asking him to go. He has not told you everything and I’m sure he will have slept with her. If you need to think of times he was late home or extra nights out or even at work when they had time together.
You have made the right decision and I’m sorry to say this but he may go to the other woman . He’s weak and there is someone readily available.
Surround yourself with family and friends and your lovely child.
Keep strong.🌺

He was happy to plan a jolly cheater’s weekend with the other woman while you were on your hen do. That’s all there is and all you need to know.
He’s deceitful, disrespectful and utterly self-serving. You can’t trust this man. I don’t believe there has been no sex for a single second.

He has lied and he continues to lie. He wants his cake and to eat it. Wife and baby at home, shagging about elsewhere. Nice for him.

OP ..I have never met you nor probably ever will but I just wanted to say how very proud of you I am...You have made an incredibly hard decision but the best one you will ever make. To stay strong you only need to have faith in yourself that you did the right thing and you did.

I agree. You did.

As much as you will be wishing with all your heart that it were different, you already know you would be mad to marry him under these circumstances and you have taken the appropriate action. He caused this, not you.

Hang in there OP. You've done the right thing. It will be hard as you adjust to this new path your life has taken but don't forgive a cheater. Life could be a lot harder for a lot longer if you stay with him. Good luck

Thank goodness you found out now! It would've been worse if you married him and then having to deal with divorce proceedings soon after. You are not silly at all! You've done the right thing. Whatever stress he was under, is absolutely no excuse to commit infidelity. I wish you all the best in the future! You deserve so much better.

I've screenshot so many lovely messages off this board, thank you XX

Op...you are the strongish woman. Youve done totally the right thing. He caused this but cheating. Im sorry you have to deal with this as you and your baby dont deserve this. Sadly it goes happen but not all woman are as strong as you and sadly would go on to marry him and regret it as sadly if he cheats now he likely to cheat again. Your family and friends will understand and support you. Continue to be brave xxx

So whilst you were on yr hen weekend, who looked after the baby? Was it him?

Take care OP and hold your head high .
You have done nothing wrong ..
stay strong.... however distressing this is now .. I promise you will get better and see you are do much better off without him xx

Marriage is supposed to be forever.
Can you honestly hand on heart say now, knowing what you know, that if you married him this would be the case. It's different when it happens to people later on in their marriage they didn't go into it with any inkling that their partner is capable of being unfaithful but you do. It was his choice. He didn't have to. Mental stress didn't make him do this and it certainly didn't make him carry on the affair.
Stay strong, it's tough when baby is young as you still feel mentally vulnerable but in a few more months you will be even better x

You've done the right thing OP.

Can you hand over sorting out anything relating to cancelling the wedding to your bridesmaids/friends/family?

You've got enough to get your head around.

I have so much respect for how you're handling this. You will be happy again. Your long-term happiness is not reliant on this man.

So whilst you were on yr hen weekend, who looked after the baby? Was it him?

MIL had baby whilst he was at work Saturday until 3 (confirmed) then he was with him the rest yeah. He's told me he only said it because he knew she wasn't free anyway I see it like the fact the thought even crossed his stupid little mind is wrong

He's told me he only said it because he knew she wasn't free anyway

Does he expect you to believe that? What a gent
Not only lying to you but thinks you’re stupid.

@sirmione16
Firstly well done in your strength and taking such a brave decision!

I’m not usually a straight up LTB-poster but I think in this case he’s obviously been lying and deceiving you for months.

Instead of celebrating your new baby and supporting you and working together as parents, he checked out of your relationship and decided that shagging someone else was the way to deal with his ‘depression’ at being a grown up. This is not a man that will put you first, or who you or your son can rely on.

He’s still lying to you. He says they didn't Have sex. He must think you’re an idiot. He’s been seeing this woman for months, arranging weekends with her and seeing her regularly. I don’t think they’ve been playing scrabble!

He’s doing the classic ‘minimising’ script Of the cheater: Deny, excuse, minimise. First you discovered the affair - he had no intention of ever being honest with you - he’s a coward, then there’s a ‘reason’ for the affair - he was ‘depressed’, now ‘it’s not really an affair because they didn't Have sex’, they have had sex, he’s just too much of a coward to admit to his own bad behaviour. Over time and with questioning, his story will keep changing. I’m sorry, but he’s not the man you thought he was

He has no intention of being honest with you, only if trying to hide his own bad behaviour. Soon he’ll start to lash out - it will be ‘your fault’ because you didn't Give him enough attention/sex/whatever when the baby arrived, you’ll be overreacting/unsupportive to his ‘depression’, the breakup will be ‘your fault’ because you cancelled the wedding rather than accepting his sleazy cheating behaviour.

It’s fairly classic and predictable affair behaviour. He’s not original.
You’ve done the right thing, stay strong.

Claiming depression, crying when caught out and then doing something nice (putting food in the cupboards in your case) are all from the cheaters script. They all think they're sooooo original, and their circumstances soooooo unique. Really its just another case of Me Man, Me First.

Sirmione, I’m so sorry. What a bloody horrible thing to happen.

I would bet my bottom dollar that he has had sec with her. ‘Opening up’ about feeling stress is one thing, and it doesn’t involve setting, kissing and lying to your partner!

You are doing well,

In your shoes I would go to counselling by yourself first, and get clear and strong about your own priorities.

If you go to counselling together it could be an arena in which he legitimises his “hard life under work pressure “ sob story.

I’m not saying people can’t make mistakes, do terrible things and then reform: actually I have seen that happen twice in my extended family.

But right now isn’t the time to decide. You need time to work out what this means for YOU before working with his version of events.

Bloody hell, what the fuck was he thinking? New baby, wedding approaching! I want to shake him.

Good luck.

Remember that him moving out will probably feel upsetting and you’ll miss him despite everything, that’s natural. It will take time for you to come to terms with it and process everything. Don’t automatically assume that it means you need to work on getting back together. That was my first instinct too. But more and more details came out in time and I clearly couldn’t take him back with hindsight, I’d never have trusted him again.

Also, joint counselling will be a way in of his making his cheating somehow your fault.

A man who cheats is not worth having. It's that simple.

It's not the sex - it's the lying, the disrespect, the deep down knowledge that he doesn't have your back.

A man who does this while you have just been through having a baby together and are planning a wedding is beneath contempt, not even worth the breath of speaking to.

I wouldn't even bother with counselling! You have before you all the evidence you need to know what kind of person this is - is that who you want to spend your life with?!

Oh and the depression, the crying etc - all classic stuff, nothing out of the ordinary when they've been busted. All it tells you is that he's still playing you, disrespecting you - tell her anything to get off the hook.

Ugh.

Oh and they will absolutely have had sex!!!

This happened to a friend of mine. New baby and the same type of thing. Over time, more and more things came out. He said it was a drunken one night stand and then it was more than that etc etc...basically he started off saying it was just flirtation and more and more details leaked as his lies caught up. He also caught something nasty from this other woman (which is why he couldn’t keep on denying sex) so I really suggest getting checked out. To this day, my friends ex can’t explain why he did what he did. It’s like he went nuts when the baby came and couldn’t keep his hands off another woman. He’d never done anything like that before. It was really strange. He became a totally different person! She spent a couple of years trying to hold things together but he just couldn’t be trusted anymore. She’s got a great life now with a fella she can trust. Your current bloke can’t be trusted. He’s a liar. He’s deceptive. You don’t want or need that. Stick to higher standards. In a years time you’ll be glad you did.

You poor girl.

But you have dodged a bullet.

He is disgusting.

You will survive this.

There will be gossip but it will absolutely be in support and admiration of you.

It is highly unlikely that you will ever trust him again.
How could you.

He's a disgusting excuse of a man.

Tell everyone exactly what you have found out.

Shame him totally and let him feel the wrath of his family.

You have had a narrow escape.

Lean on people who can support you.

You will thrive without him and be a wonderful role model for your child.

Best of luck.

This is supposed to be a happy time, just had a baby and you are getting married. If he can’t be committed to you then, how would he behave when something bad happens in your relationship?

You’re supposed to be a team and he’s supposed to be someone you can rely on.

You’ll look back on your baby’s first months and hate him for destroying this happy time for you.

He’s not worth the effort. You deserve someone who’ll put both you and your son first.

oh you poor thing, cry all you need but the right thing is done by cancelling the wedding, you'd look back at the photos and see your sadness not your happiness - that's not a memory you want to relive.

Your life has changed too, it's been stressful and you're experiencing something completely new - the difference? YOU didn't choose to have an affair to deal with that did you? So why does he get to be allowed to?