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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:09

*as he went downstairs

OP posts:
SweepTheHalls · 03/05/2019 07:10

No fixing ever. You have to be strong today xx

Wheresmyvagina · 03/05/2019 07:11

I'm sorry x yes he has ruined it.

Singlenotsingle · 03/05/2019 07:11

You can't let him get away with it. He'll do it again!

Happyspud · 03/05/2019 07:12

No there is no fixing this EVER. I’m sorry OP, this must be very distressing and shocking.

7yo7yo · 03/05/2019 07:12

Yes he’s ruined it.
Well done you for calling the police.
Now get real life help and support and don’t let him back.

whatsnewchoochoo · 03/05/2019 07:12

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Yes you have to leave. Because anytime an abuser goes for your throat - statically they are more likely to end up killing you. This man, your husband, could leave your children without a mother

But even if he doesn't kill you, you will be miserable. You will walk on eggshells. He will do it again.

And he will teach your children that violence is normal. And they replicate that pattern in life.

I'm so sorry.

You can do this this. Get out.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:12

He's never attacked me before. How could he go from never to this? I don't understand.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 03/05/2019 07:13

I’m so sorry but yes he’s ruined it and there is no fixing it.
You can’t risk it happening again or live in fear that it will.

ChocAuVin · 03/05/2019 07:13

Please be strong and don’t be persuaded this can ever be fixed. You’ll always be scared now, no matter what he says to ‘mend’ it.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Be kind to yourself and keep you and your DC safe Flowers

PicsInRed · 03/05/2019 07:13

He grabbed your throat and slapped you 3 times and the police only cautioned him?

Do they intend to charge him?

RubberTreePlant · 03/05/2019 07:13

Why so very many "he grabbed me by the throat" threads in the past few days?

It's a bit alarming.

Sarcelle · 03/05/2019 07:13

ThanksHe's an idiot. Bet he Is regretting it now. But if he has done it once, all too easy to do it a second time.

Longdistance · 03/05/2019 07:14

Aww, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He’s now shown you who he is. There is no fixing this as he will do it again.

Whatisgoingonwithmylife · 03/05/2019 07:15

Gosh OP. You have handled this really well, you’ve done the right thing!

Did he assault you in front of the toddler?

PicsInRed · 03/05/2019 07:15

Melted Egg, they never attack until they do.
They all have their first time, this was his (his first with you, he may have hurt other women).

Now he's breached this boundary, it's highly likely he will both continue and escalate the behaviour.

PicsInRed · 03/05/2019 07:16

RubberTree, throat grab porn and generally wider acceptance of misogyny and violence against women.

katmarie · 03/05/2019 07:17

There may be some underlying reason why he has suddenly snapped, but to be honest that doesn't really matter. As others have said, when an abuser goes for the throat the risk of them killing you goes up dramatically. You did all the right things,but please now make sure you have real life help and support, be it family or friends. And don't be ashamed to tell people what he did. Like you said, HE ruined this, and it's for him to be ashamed of his actions, not you.

RubberTreePlant · 03/05/2019 07:19

@PicsInRed - awful.

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:19

I don't understand the system or why they chose to caution him.

We've never had any dealings with the law, or social services, or anything. The worst we've done is speeding tickets.

I'm sorry if this doesn't seem a genuine thread, I saw the other ones and read them.

He didn't choke me, he held me by the throat, but my jaw hurts.

I have real life support.

OP posts:
JenniferJareau · 03/05/2019 07:22

Yes you do Flowers

Original poster
MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:23

Our eldest witnessed the whole thing. She is 16 and saw him going for me while my back was turned. She tried to stop h but he pushed her away and went after me.

This is sounding worse and worse isn't it. I feel very confused. We've been together 19 years. We have a life together. What now?

OP posts:
whatsnewchoochoo · 03/05/2019 07:23

Domestic Violence - did you witness any towards your mother?
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3363626-Domestic-Violence-did-you-witness-any-towards-your-mother

If you can read this post. Witnessing ongoing domestic violence ruins children's lives. Leave. I want you to leave for you, but that's always harder than doing it for someone else. So leave for your children.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 03/05/2019 07:25

You deal with it all one step at a time Flowers

Reassure your children and keep yourself and the children safe. I’m sorry you’re gong through this and I’m sure someone will be able to offer better advice for the practical steps required.

Singlenotsingle · 03/05/2019 07:27

How strange. He does this after 19 years? Shock How old is he? Has he got incipient dementia?

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