I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

[Weenurse]

So sorry you are going through this.💐
Time to leave or have him go.
Tell school for support for your children

[Dropthedeaddonkey]

You may find out from the kids this isn’t the first time he has snapped. It was only when my friend called the police and her daughter who witnessed attack on her mum was questioned and my friend had chaperone her daughter in the police interview that she found out he had been violent to the children. Until then she thought it had just been her. Think about counselling for both of you.

[MeltedEggMum]

I think I've minimised a lot of his "grumpy" behaviour.

It's true - nobody does anything without thinking about it first.

I'm telling school now.

[beenandgoneandbackagain]

You must be in a state of absolute shock. Well done for acting swiftly and demonstrating behaviour like this is unacceptable, so your daughter learns that message too.

I suspect, as a PP said, that much of his "grumpiness", i.e. emotional abuse, has been minimised. I think, as women, we are conditioned to put other people first, to try and coax and cajole men out of their grumpiness by conforming to their wishes. It's a sick societal model.

As for the other posters who suggested a possible medical cause. Even IF it was medical, it is not safe for the OP to remain with someone who has the potential to cause her life-threatening harm at any given moment, so OP has to make a safe-space for herself and her daughter whatever the root cause of the man's violence.

As others have said, he will beg, plead, apologise, cry, blame you, blame anything but his own male aggression.

Good luck.

[JuniFora]

Unless he has a long history of emotionally abusive behaviour and this was the culmination of it then I would be concerned that he has a brain tumour or early onset dementia. A radical personality change is caused by something.

[BlokeHereInPeace]

Good luck. Kick him out. Spend time with your daughter.

[Littlechocola]

@JuniFora that would make it acceptable?

[JuniFora]

Little; no, it wouldn't, he wouldn't be safe to live with. However, if it is caused by a brain tumour or dementia then it's not a choice, he needs medical treatment. The only person I know of who suddenly became violent in his forties had a brain tumour. Radical personality changes in later adulthood need to be investigated because people don't change for no reason.

Again, if he's always been a dick and this is an escalation of that, his behaviour is on him. If this is something very new, I'd be concerned.

[afrikat]

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. When I was 18 I saw my step dad attack my mum and when I tried to intervene I got punched in the face. Police were called. They sent him for a fucking walk. She took him back a few weeks later and I'm not sure I ever quite forgave her for that
HE has ruined this, HE is the one to blame and no matter what happens from now, you can never go back to how things used to be

[Pigsinduvets]

Yes Juni however OP has already said that she realises now that she has minimised his ‘grumpiness’. So far more likely that he has been emotionally abusive for years and that OP is on the brink of the process of discovering what abusive behaviour really is and what he has been doing to her and her children.

[MeltedEggMum]

Waiting to see the GP now. My parents are waiting at the house so I won't be alone when I go home after.

This feels like a dream.

[Rhiannon87]

Been here, bought the t shirt.

It sucks. Hugely and may be one of the most painful things you will ever have to do. If your gut instinct is to leave follow it. I'm sure I speak for the entire Mumsnet commuinity when I say we'll be here to listen and suppory but make sure you have "real" people in yourlife too.
Much love, this is an incredibly tough time xxx

[JeezOhGeeWhizz]

Yeah he'll do it again.
No way back here.
Kick him out, why should you have to leave?

[bluebell34567]

did he take something do you think, like drugs?

[Backseatonthebus]

Was the 'joke' more than a joke? A personal attack? A threat? Something like that?

Are you referring to the OP's first post? If so, whatever she said, nothing would make his behaviour acceptable, or even excusable. His violence is his responsibility.

Well done OP, you have achieved so much already. And you are setting a really important example to your DC that violence is never acceptable in a relationship.

[MeltedEggMum]

The GP wants me to get an x-ray if the pain continues after a few days. My face is swollen.

I amp purposely not giving a huge amount of detail here, for obvious reasons.

But no, I didn't do anything to warrant being grabbed by the throat and hit around the face hard enough for a GP to order x-rays.

Nobody does! Doesn't matter what yosaid. Doesn't matter how much he despises me. He shouldn't have done this.

Thanks to people offering support.

[ImNotNigel]

But no, I didn't do anything to warrant being grabbed by the throat and hit around the face hard enough for a GP to order x-rays

There is NOTHING that you could have said or done that would warrant this. Please hold onto the truth and ignore the victim blamers here.

I’m in awe of your strength and courage in dealing with this so quickly to protect yourself and your children.

[Pigsinduvets]

Glad you have seen doctor and have your parents support. Did the police take photos? I suggest taking your own photos of your injuries. In part because at some point you may doubt yourself and it will be useful to remind yourself of what he actually did. Are you taking anti-inflammatories?

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Your instincts in a horrible situation were 100% correct. You phoned the police and got him removed. You should be so proud of yourself for showing your DD exactly what to do.

Now you have to keep showing her what to do.

I know it's hard, I really, really do know. And there will be lots and lots of people, online and IRL, who will want you to sweep it under the carpet and carry on.

But you must not.

To repeat a pp's advice: if this had happened to your DD, what would you want her to do? Now do that.

[Lweji]

OP, like I posted before

Prepare yourself for people minimising it and asking what you did to cause his assault. Distance yourself from those people.

Even on this thread.

[AnyFucker]

bella what if it was ?

[Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom]

You are handling this like a superstar egg!

This thread is the perfect blueprint to teach people how to react to dv in a relationship.

I'm very sorry I know that won't be of any comfort to you, you must be devastated and rightly so but this part will be over soon and then you and the kids will forge a new better life and you'll look back on this and it will feel like your past and it will be.

[TakeMeToKernow]

bloody well done for doing the right thing straight away. Now keep on doing the right thing.

afrikat’s post should be food for thought - “she took him back a few weeks later and I’m not sure I ever quite forgave her for that”