I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

[Inawholeofdoom82]

You have done the right thing for yourself and your kids. Stay strong, you will get through this. I am so sorry this happened to you and that your poor dd witnessed it. Every abuser has a first time, get out now.

[2cats2many]

Well done for calling the police. That was brave and strong.

You can refer yourself to the Freedom Programme. You may find that this isn't as out of the blue as you think and that there are patterns in your relationship that you maybe couldn't see before.

freedomprogramme.co.uk

[MeltedEggMum]

So. He's been and gone. I never saw or heard him. My parents spoke with him and he appears contrite. He's staying at a hotel for the weekend but no plans have been made beyond that.

I know there's old baggage between us and we have had our differences, but he doesn't know how to communicate. The times I've talked to him about serious things he just sits mute. I thought he was at least listening but it's like he was frozen and nothing went in.

He basically needs a lot of therapy but I can't sort it out. If he wants to salvage any sort of relationship with the dc, that's on him.

It hurts to chew and it's pissing me off.

[MrsBailey2be]

You are so so brave. Well done you

No matter what anyone says or does to someone they do not have the right to abuse you verbally, mentally or physically

As others have said if this was your DD or even DS you would demand they leave straight away so stick to that advice. You have shown that it is not acceptable behaviour & this is what to do should anyone ever be placed in the situation you have so sadly found yourself in. You are not putting up with it & neither should anybody man or woman, that find themselves in an abusive situation.

No one is saying the next few weeks, months or even years are going to be easy but I assure you now he has done it once, he will do it again I absolutely guarantee it, from personal experience

The apologies, gifts & sorry's are all good & well, plus he's swore to never do it again, doesn't know what came over him, he'll get help yadda yadda, until next time. There WILL be a next time.

The mental scars & the fear will always be there lurking in the corner no matter how much you think you've gotten over it if you take him back.
Every time you say something he doesn't agree with, 'will he go for me', every time you have an argument, 'will he go for me', did I make his cuppa right, 'will he go for me'? Might sound dramatic but he's never laid a hand on you in 19yrs, now that he has that line has been crossed & there is no going back.

I send you all my love & strength & promise it gets easier in time

Much love xx

[ImNotNigel]

Soups, milk shake, smoothies, ice cream, fruit juice. Anything apart from alcohol ( the worst thing in this situation, you need a clear head ).

I’m glad to hear you have lots of RL support. Please try to focus on yourself and your children, you don’t have the mental energy to worry about his issues / therapy / lack of communication skills.

There’s plenty help for him out there is he wishes to access it but that has to be 100% his responsibility. Please politely rebuff any friends and family who want to talk about him and how you can fix him.

And don’t worry about where he will stay next week. I work with homeless people and I can assure you we NEVER see men with jobs, savings, credit cards and a support system who have split up with their partner like this. Because they are very good at doing what they have always done - looking after Number One.

Despite what he ( or any flying monkeys) might tell you, he will find a room somewhere very easily, either a friends spare room or rented.

I hope you will be able to get some legal advice next week, so you know where you stand regarding the house etc.

Have you taken sick leave from work ? Will you boss / colleagues be sympathetic ?

Have you set up a means of communicating with him that doesn’t involve you seeing him or speaking to him Eg email , via a third party etc ? Email is best so you don’t have to screen shot everything.

[SignedUpJust4This]

You are doing the right thing OP. Imagine that rage unleashed on your toddler. So sorry this happened to you.

[mary91]

[Pigsinduvets]

The sitting silent, frozen and mute is called stonewalling. It’s an abusive technique. It’s done purposefully to devalue you and your feelings. It’s not because they are crap communicators. It’s because they are effective abusers.

[Branleuse]

im sorry OP, you must be devastated, but not only must you protect yourself, you must also show your daughter that this is absolutely unforgivable and that if a man raises his hand, you walk away

[MsDogLady]

I am sorry that you are going through this physical and emotional pain. Yes, you must leave him.

Your daughter bravely tried to help you, but he pushed her away so he could attack you. She may feel some guilt that she was unable to stop him. She must also be shocked at what her father is capable of. Your calling the police and refusing to allow him back is showing her that she should never tolerate violence.

Did your toddler see or hear the attack? If so, it must have been very scary. I wonder how your husband reacted to him/her after he found all the talc.

This is so difficult to come to terms with, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. You and your daughter would likely benefit from the support of counseling to process your thoughts and feelings.

[pointythings]

You're doing everything right. Your determination shines through all your posts. Keep being the exception to the rule, keep being the one woman whose partner gets exactly one shot at DV and no second chances.

As one exception to another, I raise a to you.

[MeltedEggMum]

I keep reading this thread. Thank you all for commenting, it makes me feel less alone. I have support, but it's easier to read than talk.

Social services are being contacted. The school had an obligation etc. I have been referred to a DV charity and have an appointment with a solicitor next week.

He's texted me but I haven't replied.

[MeltedEggMum]

Alone isn't the right word. Can't think.

[S1naidSucks]

May I suggest that you video yourself eating and talk about how uncomfortable and painful it is, how frightened you were when he did it, how your daughter reacted and how you feel now. If you end up crying during it, so be it.

If you ever feel that you want him back or kid yourself that you over reacted, just play back the video. Good luck OP, I wish my mother had been as strong as you. 💐

[Charley34]

Thinking of you and your DC.
sorry this happened to you sending hugs x

[Annasgirl]

Oh OP just want to send you support. Please do not listen to this man and do not let him back into your life. Why did your parents mention that he is contrite - so what? My parents would not be in the same room as a man who hit me. If your parents are not 100% on board with you please find people who are. Also, change your locks.

He seems to think he can come back after the weekend - please do not let him back ever, you owe it to yourself and you owe it to your children.

Reach out to people who will help you. And continue to be strong. There are lots of women on here who can give you practical advice and emotional support.

[KTara]

I am so sorry, you must be so shocked.

You are doing the only thing you can but that does not make it any easier. You did not cause this.

I am glad you have support around you. Please take it. Be gentle with yourself

[pointythings]

I'm shocked at your parents' response, to be honest. My parents loved my H - he was a DH for most of our long marriage until it went wrong - but if he had ever raised a hand to him, he'd have been dead to them. I hope you will seek support with this - PP have suggested the Freedom Programme and I second that.

I also think making a recording is a good idea. It will steel you when you start doubting yourself. And you will.

Meanwhile let the wheels of officialdom and services roll on. And don't let him come home - SS can help with that, as can police DV services. The law is on your side here, use it.

[Sarcelle]

Is the text an apology. Or does he want to come back?

[IndieTara]

What did the text say OP?

[Tavannach]

Stay strong. I hope you feel better soon.

[MeltedEggMum]

I skimmed through it. I can't read it again.

He apologised fir the kids, he said sorry to me. I don't remember.

[MrsMozartMkII]

Oh lass. I'm so sorry. No wise words, just a gentle handhold.

[Starlight456]

Agree well done in phoning the police . I was strangled by my ex . He was cautioned and Ss informed. I didn’t leave at the time absolutely should have. From that point it will never get better.

The one thing that sticks out for me that I haven’t seen mentioned Is in your post you tried to diffuse the situation . I do wonder how much you do this and compromise.

It may well be worth looking at the freedom program. I think you will find there have been lots of emotional abuse.

[cakeandchampagne]

What if?
What he caused you to be unconscious or dead?
What if your daughter kept trying to fight him?
What if he had attacked and killed your daughter?
Maybe next time.

Make sure there is no contact, so there is no “next time”.