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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:

Report

HettySunshine · 04/05/2019 08:28

How're you feeling this morning op? I hope you managed to get some sleep.

BertieBotts · 04/05/2019 08:28

Surfing

It is never 20 years of healthy relationship and then abuse out of the blue.

As OP is finding the signs are always there, but they are incredibly easy to miss, downplay, misunderstand. We like to see the best in people, it's human nature. Especially people we love. I can't blame anyone for that.

I left my ex because of emotional abuse but it was not until I had left and had some space that I realised he had been physically threatening on a number of occasions and had actually hurt me (and DS) a couple of times. I had glossed over these as "not counting" for whatever reason and if he had got to the point of hitting me I probably would have initially also thought it was out of the blue, but it usually isn't. It just feels that way when you have normalised treading water in stress and living with coercive abuse.

MeltedEggMum · 04/05/2019 08:38

How could I have not seen it all this time? I have lied to myself so effectively.

So many little behaviours that he treated as a joke, he was actually just being mean.

OP posts:

PeakedTooEarly · 04/05/2019 08:44

In answer to your OP. Yes you do have to leave him. Please try and go nine months ahead in your mind where everything is settled and sorted and you are safe from being possibly killed. The bones of the neck are fragile and he could so easily have seriously injured or killed you in that moment. He doesn't have Alzheimers, dementia or schizophrenia. He is a nasty bastard and that is all you need to know. Photograph the bruises and log them with your GP. He should be prosecuted for common assault not given a caution FFS!

Whatastrawberryfool · 04/05/2019 08:49

Sorry this has happened op, wanted to give you my experience to strengthen your resolve.
I was attacked after a minor argument after 14 years of happy marriage ( Just had promotion at work and started seeing friends more for contact, he didn't like this increased independence and the row was about him ' babysitting' our children) I called the police left with 2 kids and for the next 7 months rebuilt my life, contact was necessary for the kids and he guilt tripped me constantly about breaking up the family after a one off very out of character incident. I relented, felt I should try again for the kids (who constantly asked me to forgive him but hadn't witnessed what happened and thought we had just argued) and he moved in to my new house, for 6 months at which point it almost happened again except I got away (I think it would have been a lot worse that time too as he was so angry )
Don't be weak like me , stick to your guns you will never trust him properly again and he doesn't deserve you after what he has done.
Good luck with everything x

Whatastrawberryfool · 04/05/2019 08:53

I also did the freedom programme after as i realised i had not sen a lot of controlling behaviours throughout the marriage. It helped a lot.

WienerDiva · 04/05/2019 09:57

OP

Do not under any circumstances put blame to yourself or question why you tolerated behaviours from him for so long. You'll do your own head in about it.

What you do need to understand is that people like him are good at conditioning people to tolerate them.

I admire your bravery, your strength and determination.

You'll probably feel this falter and it's understandable. But we are all here supporting you.

As a pp, do not tolerate anyone that minimise his actions or say that your actions must have caused them.

Remove those people from your life immediately.

Also there is nothing you need to be ashamed of.

WienerDiva · 04/05/2019 10:06

Sent too soon

Don't be worried about telling people what happened.

If he didn't want people to know then he shouldn't have done it.

So what if this embarrasses him or makes him feel ashamed.

More women need to speak out not just to authorities.

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 04/05/2019 10:20

You have done the right thing in telling him to leave.
You are probably remembering other incidents because you now have the “space”.
Don’t let him guilt trip you. Manipulative men are good at doing that. He knows your “weak spots “
Good luck.

CupoTeap · 04/05/2019 10:27

It's good you are seeing these things now, start writing them down.

It will stop you from going back.

Zofloramummy · 04/05/2019 10:35

Because these people are incredibly good at it. They subtly push the boundaries. They make us question our actions rather than theirs. Overtime keeping them happy becomes the central purpose we rarely reflect on whether we are happy.

They aren’t awful all the time (otherwise why would we stay). But they don’t cope with the focus being taken away from them. He won’t have liked you becoming more independent at all.

You are doing amazingly well to be able to start to see the dynamic and that it was so wrong. Do not minimise or let anyone else minimise what has happened or his previous behaviours. This is how they wiggle their way back in by making you feel like the crazy person who over exaggerates everything.

Photograph your bruise. And pp suggestion of writing things down is a good one.

Contact Women’s Aid for counselling and the freedom course. You are doing really well.

bluejelly · 04/05/2019 11:04

to you OP.
Stay strong, you can get through this. (I had 5 sessions of counselling to help me process what had happened with my abusive ex and it helped enormously)

MeltedEggMum · 04/05/2019 11:15

How am I going to survive? Keep a roof over our heads? This house was meant to be our forever home. Will I lose it?

OP posts:

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 04/05/2019 11:29

Egg- take things one day at a time.

Pigsinduvets · 04/05/2019 11:31

You need to get some legal advice as soon as you can, Melted, terms of your legal and financial situation. Do you own the house? Is it in both your names? You are married so that affords you some protection.
You will survive. I and others have and you will too.

category12 · 04/05/2019 11:33

Don't panic.

You're married so have a claim on the marital assets even any not in joint names. You should be entitled to legal aid as there is domestic violence. You might want to arrange an appointment with a solicitor to get a feel for your options.

MeltedEggMum · 04/05/2019 11:47

I do have an appointment next week. My name is on the deeds but we only bought it a few years ago. Our first house.

OP posts:

TessaL23 · 04/05/2019 11:52

Oh wow ... he obviously has been building up anger towards you for a long time and just finally snapped. Time to part ways for sure.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 04/05/2019 12:20

Look the future will happen and no matter how much it seems bleak you will come through the other side of it better because you and the children will be safe and healthy.

The house is just a house if you lose it you'll find another.

In the shorter term you will be entitled to benefits so you have money to live and the council won't leave you on the streets because you have children then once you are in circumstances where you have a bed and food from there you build a new life.

It'll take time but there is only up and one day you'll look back on it from your new life with a job and a home and happy safe children and think it was tough for a while but I did it and I'm glad I got out.

cricketman · 04/05/2019 12:29

Um if he did do that then you have to leave him. Its disgusting what he did it doesn't matter that he was stressed, he is a father and he grabbed the mother of his children by the throat

YOU deserve better then him, keep yourself and your kids safe

doverbluebird · 04/05/2019 12:47

I hope you are ok.

You did the right thing. I wish I had done it.

I am sitting here now after years of it...he finally left last night.

I am bruised, bitten, terrible bruising on my neck and have a broken toe.

I feel empty and lost and I miss him - don't know why.

The first time was as you described. I could have saved years of pain and scars.
If you stay you will not recognise the woman looking back at you from the mirror.

Well done xx

MeltedEggMum · 04/05/2019 12:48

Oh dover I'm so sorry. Please stay safe.

OP posts:

Rhiannon87 · 04/05/2019 13:53

Dont feel embarrassed about not seeing this earlier.
When I escaped my abusive marriage I was a teacher specialising in working with incredibly vulnerable teens. I was shit hotat safeguarding but failed to safeguard myself.
You are doing brilliantly - it might not feel like it but try to find the positives in the day. Can't chew? But you can rock a smoothie etc.
There are plenty of specific DV survivors groups on FB, SEEDS or Victorious Vixens are brill.

MeltedEggMum · 04/05/2019 14:18

I'm very anxious today. Knocks in the door or cars driving past make me jump. He has sent me an email with links to family therapists in the area.

I think it's too late for that, though he certainly needs therapy himself.

OP posts:

category12 · 04/05/2019 14:23

No, family therapy or joint counselling are not appropriate where there's abuse.

Would it help to get out and about, do something nice for yourself and the dc?

Flip

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