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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have to leave him, don't I?

688 replies

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:08

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

OP posts:

Report

category12 · 03/05/2019 07:27

Yes, that's fubar. Sorry.

ChristmasFluff · 03/05/2019 07:27

@Melted I can only echo what others have said. Please don't try to minimise what he has done - as a first attack this is horrific, and that is a good thing, because you CANNOT explain it away as just an argument gone a bit far.

The violence ALWAYS escalates. My heart goes out to you, it really does. I remember the first time the ex attacked me, I was horrified, but was able to explain it as 'he was drunk', 'it was a row gone wrong'. He didn't touch my throat or slap me. Within a year strangulation and banging my head on the wall was a normal event. By the time it ended he was strangling me until I blacked out, and punching me to unconsciousness.

Do not waver. He will cry, he will plead, he will promise. As he does, remember he will get worse, ot better, and the promises mean nothing. No-one would stay with a man who was constantly abusive - it is the 'nece guy' that they stay for. That is a mask. The moster he has revealed is the true person.

Please be strong xx

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:28

He is 42.

He admitted to everything, the police tell me.

Apologetic, etc.

I feel sick.

OP posts:

bodgersmash · 03/05/2019 07:29

So sorry this happened to you OP. You need to show your daughter that this is never, ever acceptable, and you need to leave that man immediately.

Imagine how you would advise your daughter if her partner had done this to her, and heed your own advice.

It's going to be scary, it probably won't be easy, but you need to do it and you absolutely can do it.

Well done for phoning the police without hesitation.

We are all here for you.

MeltedEggMum · 03/05/2019 07:32

Imagine how you would advise your daughter if her partner had done this to her, and heed your own advice.

Thanks for this.

OP posts:

TheSerenDipitY · 03/05/2019 07:35

make yourself a promise, an oath, an unbreakable oath! to leave this man and never go back, and if you cant do it for yourself... do it for the children, so they dont have to grow up witnessing the abuse, so that they dont suffer the abuse and so that they are not at risk of accepting the abuse when they get older.... staying with him is not just going to effect you at put you at risk... it risks their entire lives from this moment on... do ti for them... protect them

Lweji · 03/05/2019 07:35

Big hug. I've been there and it is a shock to the system.
Whatever you do, don't take him back or allow him back in.

The police may have only issued a caution, but ring Women's Aid or the police domestic violence unit and ask for advice on keeping you safe.
Look into court orders if he doesn't stay away voluntarily or issues any threats.

This may have been his first time in actions but I bet he thought about assaulting you before. He just didn't do it.

Prepare yourself for people minimising it and asking what you did to cause his assault. Distance yourself from those people.

category12 · 03/05/2019 07:36

I'm so sorry, op.

Because your dd witnessed it all, was pushed away etc, it's even more important that you continue to take a stand on this. You wouldn't want this to be something she accepted in her own relationships.

You've done the right thing in getting the police involved.

bigbadbadger · 03/05/2019 07:37

Well done for calling the police. Do not see him. Do not speak to him. Look after your dc. You are still a loving family, he is just no longer part of it.

sazzle27 · 03/05/2019 07:38

Stay strong, you have done the tight thing with calling the police straight away.

You have to make sure you stay away from him, for your safety and that of you children. As pp have said, DV only escalates, and that is a horrific first act of violence as it is..

Moondancer73 · 03/05/2019 07:42

Very scary for you and your daughter. My ex also grabbed me by the throat and squeezed. I came to on the floor and he very calmly offered me a glass of water. Stupidly I let him stay and of course he used it as a threat to scare me again - hand toward throat if I became too troublesome. Thankfully it never happened so badly again but it could have ended badly obviously - you totally did the right thing although I don't understand just a caution.

Beansandcoffee · 03/05/2019 07:42

Stay strong for your daughter. She is on the verge of dating etc. She needs to know that isn’t acceptable behaviour from anyone. You need to leave him. I’m so sorry.

hidinginthenightgarden · 03/05/2019 07:43

So not only did he seriously assault you, but he hurt your DD as well.
Walk away now whilst you have the strength to. Your DD will never forget seeing that. She doesn't need anymore memories like that.

Divebar · 03/05/2019 07:49

He’s been given a caution because he ( presumably) has no previous convictions and because the injuries were sustained we’re at the lower end of the spectrum ( a common assault rather than an ABH). He would have been interviewed and would have needed to admit the offence for the caution to be an option. It is now on his record so it will show if anyone checks in future.

I’m sorry this has happened.... it must be incredibly shocking after being together so long. And the fact it was in front of your child is doubly tough.... sounds like he was completely enraged.

Pigsinduvets · 03/05/2019 07:51

Sorry this is happening to you Melted. Well done for reporting it. Yes leave him.
I know he hasn’t been violent to you before. Have you experienced any coercive /controlling abusive behaviour from him before. Could be anything from making jokes about you that you have told him hurt your feelings, to blocking you going passed him, to controlling the finances, to telling you he doesn’t like your friends/family, to coercing you to do sexual things that you don’t want to do. Abuse can be physical, sexual, financial or emotional.
I recommend doing Freedom Programme which you can do online or at a group. Also buy the book “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It may be that he has become abusive overnight but more likely that he has been abusing you in other ways and you haven’t realised that it was abuse.

ooft · 03/05/2019 07:52

He will do it again and again and again if you don't leave. So sorry this has happened

recall · 03/05/2019 07:54

I am full of admiration for you....calling the police, especially the first time . I didn’t have your courage and only wish that I had . Your daughter is downloading your behaviour and you’ve shown her that DV is never acceptable.

Popetthetreehugger · 03/05/2019 08:00

I’m so sorry this has happened, for me , practical head helps . If your daughter is 16 , she’s in exam year ? I’d let head of year know what’s happened as she may need an ear at school . Also she may have homwork due in . This will give Her the breathing space she will need . Every good wish 💐

vdbfamily · 03/05/2019 08:01

If this was first sign in all those years married and over something minor I would suggest he sees A GP asap as there are medical conditions that can cause personality changes. I would be looking for a reason of it is genuinely out of character.

scarbados · 03/05/2019 08:16

Please leave him. Please don't think it's a one-off and let him back.

I gave my ex the benefit of the 'just the once and he won't do it again' doubt. The second time he did it, I spent 4 days on an ITU and my parents were warned I might not survive.

Please don't ever put yourself in that position. If he can do it once, he can do it again. And if he can do it to you, he can do it to your child.

Mammatino · 03/05/2019 08:30

Stay strong. Whatever his reasons/excuses they are his to deal with, he needs to take his own responsibility and deal with it ALONE. you need to concentrate on you and your little family, you sound awesome, a really strong character who can walk forward here. Get as much help and advice as you can regarding your emotional, health and finances. See a solicitor and do not allow this to be brushed under the carpet. Keep strong and practical.

ShatnersWig · 03/05/2019 08:33

There's no fixing this, is there?

Absolutely not. And you know there isn't.

Pack his bags for him. He leaves, you don't.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2019 08:33

Yes you do, sorry

Bluntness100 · 03/05/2019 08:35

Op there is always a first time. Always. And the first time is never the last time. Never.

So I don't believe this is some mild mannered man, his aggression has likely been escalating to this.

The bottom line now is you need to model good behaviour for your daughter and end this. You must teach her it's never ok for someone to physically assault you., what she witnessed will have traumatised her.

The relationship has to end. For all your sakes. Because if it doesn't you teach her it's ok to be hit or to hit. And because it's only so long till he does it again. And the next time could be a hell of a lot worse.

LilyRose16 · 03/05/2019 08:35

I’m so pleased that you phoned the police, you are the biggest role model for your daughter, she is watching and learning from you with every decision you make. Stay strong and don’t back down, he will try and minimise it as much as he possibly can but there is absolutely no way his behaviour can be forgiven. You’re doing great

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