I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

[KTara]

Do not read the text again or anything you do not want to. It is fine to put these emotional boundaries around yourself as well as the physical ones.

[Atalune]

These next few months will be so hard.

But you’ve done everything right. Everything, and he has ruined it all. His fault. His hands. His temper. His actions.

Don’t lose sight of that and if anyone has the audacity to suggest forgiveness, or counselling, or reconciliation. Ditch them. Once an abuser always an abuser. Always.

Just be kind to yourself.

Do not leave the family home.

[BertieBotts]

I'm so sorry OP. I agree with reading about signs of emotional abuse. Often it's hard to see while we're in the situation but it might help make some sense of this whole mess in hindsight.

[Zofloramummy]

Thinking of you. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your safety and for your children’s physical, emotional and psychological safety.

There is no turning back now. And you have been incredibly strong and brave. Try and eat small amounts and sleep. Don’t engage with him at all for a good while yet and then only about the dc. It’s too raw and you are in shock still

[LangCleg]

No, there is no going back from violence. I'm so sorry this happened to you. As so many PPs have said - you're doing all the right things. Take comfort in that. x

[EchoCardioGran]

I'm so sorry to read what you have been through. Strength to you. .

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Just checking in OP. You don't have to read the text, you can just delete it. It's just words, doesn't mean anything, Stay strong. One step at a time.

[MeltedEggMum]

I've been watching a silly movie with DD tonight but can't stop thinking about what I just noticed earlier - a bruise has come up on my chin.

This is much worse than my jaw - I've been marked. I hate this.

[resisterpersister]

MeltedEggMum I just wanted to say, you are an amazing and incredibly strong woman (even if you don't feel it right now). You've done exactly the right things. I was in an abusive relationship and it took me years to leave. I wish I'd had your strength.

You can be really proud of the example you've shown your DD.

Beware of him playing on your emotions - getting you to prioritise his feelings over yours. Perhaps I'm projecting, but my ex managed to wheedle his way back in so many times, by playing on my caring side. persuading me to think of him, or to just let him in while he sorted himself out etc etc.

[5LeafClover]

So sorry this has happened to you. You did the right thing. There was no other option for you or your kids. for you.

[Weenurse]

Well done, keep strong and safe 💐

[MeltedEggMum]

Yes, we've been together a long time.

I'm thinking about things a lot. I remembered he raised his fist to me once. Or perhaps to DC. Maybe both.

I've been a sahm for years and recently I've gotten involved in volunteering which has led to me getting a job in a field I'm passionate about. It's a small job, and I work from home, but it's a change in our dynamic.

Yesterday I said this came out of the blue, but the real truth is that he bottles up his feelings and ignores me when he's annoyed and so many other things.

For a long time now I've lost my feelings if love and attraction to him and couldn't really pinpoint why. I think I was a boiling frog. I would have kept at it for the rest of my life with him if he hadn't done this. Feeling vaguely uneasy, increasingly unhappy but not bad enough to do anything.

I do feel like scales are being lifted, and I'm feeling less and less inclined to consider any notion that this was out of character. It seems to me he has always been perfectly capable of violence, I just minimised it.

I rehomed our puppy because of the way he treated her and his lack of patience. I know I'll get flamed for that on MN but I promise you it was safer for the dog.

I have minimised his behaviour for years. Years and years.

[ctrlalt]

My message way back got deleted for pointing out that posts like @Surfingtheweb and @JuniFora's are dangerous and turning the abuser into the victim.

It doesn't matter what's changed, if anything has changed. No one has to live with the threat of violence and abuse for any reason.

[JuniFora]

ctrlalt; don't insinuate that I said that anyone should have to live with threat or violence. I didn't and wouldn't. I mentioned that if this was a sudden personality change there may be an urgent medical reason such as a brain tumour or dementia, neither of which are uncommon. Brain diseases can happen to anybody and people need to be aware of the possibility if they see a sudden change in a loved one.

That doesn't appear to be the case here at all. The husband has been emotionally abusive for years and this was the final escalation. Op has dealt with it amazingly well.

[Surfingtheweb]

@ctrlalt I'm not trying to minimise or say it's ok, but if you've had the best part of 20 years with no abuse then I don't think the person is naturally abusive. It's easy to sit on here & judge, but it's not that easy, of course he should never hit her & she shouldn't hit him. But something has obviously gone wrong for that to happen now after so long.

[Pigsinduvets]

Yes Melted. The change in your dynamic because of going from a sahm to working is likely to have played a part in the escalation of his behaviour to violence. Abuse is about control. As a sahm he felt you were dependent on him and that’s where he wanted you. You have been beginning to gain independence from him and have been growing in confidence, meeting new people etc. In a healthy relationship a partner would be happy for the other to gain independence and confidence. In an abusive relationship the abuser feels threatened that they are losing control. They want to keep you down.
Yes, the mistreatment of animals is also abusive. They enjoy the control over the animal and enjoy hurting it. You did the right thing rehoming the puppy.
Photograph the bruise.

[Mummaofmytribe]

OP I just want to say I think you're being really, really brave. It's terrible and I'm so sorry.
I hope you and your kids get plenty of good support as you certainly deserve it.

[emmeline333]

This notion that the first sign of dementia or tumour is someone wrapping their hands around someone's throat is absurd. It's one of those ridiculous things that gets spouted on MN. 'My 50 year old neighbour shouts at me in the street'. 'Could he have dementia?'

No he's a just a man who likes to control and threaten women. Ffs.

[Surprisedmom]

I know how you feel, the first violence from my partner was similar and I also called the police and left. I sometimes think to myself that i’m glad the first time was so clearly violent and dangerous that I left, with some people it starts with smaller acts of violence. Well done for calling the police. Stay strong and honestly you will be very proud of yourself and feel free in the longer run even if you don’t feel that way now.

[justilou1]

It’s no large leap from animals to people, OP. I’m glad you’re sticking to your resolve. I know it’s hard. You know if you let him back he’ll do it again. You’ve read it here’s million times. It will be harder to get rid of him again. You don’t want your kids growing up feeling like this could happen again... like they could trigger him. Like they could be next. It’s not fair.

[Weenurse]

💐

[GiveMeFiveMinutes]

What an awful situation. I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with the effects of his violence,@MeltedEggMum

It's interesting what you said about the puppy. Sounds like you did the right thing in finding the puppy a new home.

What was his response to your toddler after he discovered the talc?

[Lweji]

I rehomed our puppy because of the way he treated her and his lack of patience.

Ah, yes, I threatened exH with divorce because of our (DS's) cat. He asked me if I'd actually divorce him over a cat and I said yes.
It was actually the first time the scales dropped for me. It was then clear that the issues in our marriage weren't because I was difficult, but because of him. The cat is lovely and affectionate.

[Pandamodium]

My DH has a condition that can cause personality change (schizophrenia) if he gets ill he goes to the doctors or into hospital and gets his head sorted out.

Illness isn't an excuse I've lived (just I very nearly died) through horrendous DV. The first time he raised a hand to me would be the last, illness or no illness.