I have to leave him, don't I?

[MeltedEggMum]

Yesterday my husband attacked me.

We have had our ups and downs like all couples, nothing out of the ordinary I thought.

Before he attacked me we were having a good day, he was off work, we had the plumber in, everything was chilled.

I left to do the school run and came home to him feeling stressed because the toddler had made a mess of talc upstairs. I joked with him a bit to try to diffuse the situation but he suddenly turned nasty.

He grabbed me by the throat and slapped me around the face three times.

I froze. I couldn't believe it was happening. He walked away from me and as we went downstairs he threatened to do it again.

Luckily I had my phone on me and I called the police straight away.

They arrested him and he was given a caution late last night - he's staying with a friend.

There's no fixing this, is there? He's ruined everything. I'm still in shock. Yesterday morning I had a normal life.

[MeltedEggMum]

Thank you all for the kind words.

I'm in the process of instructing a solicitor, and I have family court coming up soon.

Definitely KOKO!

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Thanks for the update. And congratulations! You're an inspiration.

[Weenurse]

Well done 💐

[nakedscientist]

I've been with you since the beginning and am still rooting for you

[MeltedEggMum2]

Hi all, I've lost my login details for the other username so had to re-register.

I went to family court this morning, saw him for the first time since he attacked me.

I coped ok, I think. I kept away from him as much as possible, spoke clearly to the judge and court officials, and didn't fall to pieces. No decision was made today, we'll be back in court in 3 months. I did it.

[HippyTrails]

well done, how are you coping?

[MeltedEggMum2]

I had adrenaline shakes afterwards for a bit, but cake helped. :)

Back to the reality of parenting a toddler keeps me grounded.

There was no question of him doing wrong, but for some reason the judge discouraged him from taking a domestic violence course. I was utterly dumbfounded by that. And quite angry, too, because now he has a judge backing him up in thinking it wasn't so bad! I will forever be the one who overreacted now. Gah!!!

[Nesssie]

Well done! First one out the way.
Hows your daughter doing? She sounds like a real credit to you.

[RandomMess]

Well done

[LannieDuck]

Hope your DD's exams went well. Are they all done with now, or still ongoing?

[MeltedEggMum2]

Yes, all done. She's enjoying a well deserved break from the stress of school and life. Results day is ages away, but I'll be sure to update the thread with her (obviously) amazing results.

She's worried about younger DC and visitation orders. She won't be subject to it, but she's unhappy her sibling will be. I am doing what I can to calm her fears - the judge said visitation would definitely be supervised at least for a while, and no decision will be made until October at any rate.

It's hard to calm her fears when they are my own fears as well, but we just need to keep going. At this point I have done everything I needed to do to prove I am the safe parent, and all I can do is hold onto that knowledge. And hope.

[Weenurse]

Well done 💐

[MeltedEggMum2]

Mini celebration here today - I've been accepted into the access to higher learning course at my local uni, and I am thrilled! Well, slightly terrified but mostly excited.

[ChimesAtMidnight]

Oh well done Egg ! many congrats to you. The sunlit uplands are in sight.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Congratulations! It's all looking up for you. So pleased.

[mrsw2]

Fantastic, how exciting. Onwards and upwards

[MeltedEggMum2]

So many apologists in my wider circle of "friends". I have really battened down the hatches but tonight heard through the grapevine that certain people think we should just "work through" this and "what about him" etc etc.

I'm sick of this attitude. He was arrested, he admitted his crime, there is no question! If he was a stranger, would people be expecting me to invite him in for tea? Obviously not. But because I'm married to him this somehow absolves him from taking full responsibility and I should reconsider my reaction.

Unbelievable.

It feels like victim blaming. It feels like gaslighting. It feels like being abused all over again. I won't allow it! I won't have anyone like this in my life ever, ever again.

[pog100]

Good for you. Keep that assertiveness and anger with the apologists.
The access course will do you a power of good, they are hard but full of inspirational people. I used to teach on one. They were usually our best students in future years.

[AnotherEmma]

Nothing particular to add except that you are amazing. You might not feel like it but you are. I can tell from your posts that you are an intelligent, articulate, strong person, and a lovely mum.

You can add me to the list of cheerleaders rooting for you

[AnotherEmma]

Oh I missed loads of posts because of the new username.

I am so sorry that you are surrounded by so many abuse apologists - it's shocking and very sad.

No wonder so many women struggle to leave their abusers, or leave but then go back.

[MeltedEggMum2]

No wonder so many women struggle to leave their abusers, or leave but then go back.

Yes, yes, yes. This is becoming clearer and clearer to me.

[Absolutepowercorrupts]

Well done Melted, you been so strong, I'll bet you've been an inspiration to many of us that have read your thread. You've come so far and you've done so well to get yourself and your children away from that violent bully.

The 10th rule of misogyny is that the worst thing about Male violence is that it makes men look bad
Misogyny can apply to men and women and it sounds as though some of your wider circle of 'friends' are very misogynistic. And so was the Judge.
Some people can be very judgemental and without knowing your story will seek to minimise his violent behaviour
You know the truth, hold your head up and remember that you've done nothing wrong. KoKo

[Theworldcouldbemymollusc]

It’s batshit how many people say - you were perfect for each other. Erm no - I covered for an abusive arse. That’s no where near perfect!!!

[MeltedEggMum2]

Feeling kind of bitter today - he dropped a bomb in everyone's lives and I'm left picking up the pieces. From now on, basically.

I mean, I'm glad to be rid of him and every day I'm becoming more "me" again, which is wonderful. But he can go back to living a free and easy bachelorhood, while I do everything to keep our children healthy, happy and whole. It is so deeply unfair. I feel so resentful of him.

Some days it all feels too much.

[GoldenFlaps]

It will pass, Melted. You'll go through stages of different feelings. The main thing is you're free. Try and keep your thoughts on the positive things and give him less headspace. The more your life moves on the easier that will be